Thoughts please?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Don't know where to turn. Bit of background: My wife of five years suffers from depression. I can handle it, sometimes its difficult, but I understand that she cant help this - she refuses to get help for it, which is her choice.

We have two gorgeous girls, aged three and a year and a half. When Im not working I do my fair share of the housework and looking after the kids etc. I always treat my wife like a queen. My wife is out of work at the moment. My job is steady but offers no challange to me, but it pays the bills so in the current recession I guess Im lucky to have it.

Thats by-the-way stuff, I dont know if it has a bearing on my problem. My actual problem is that we have a non existant sex life. Ive given up trying to have sex with her. Our sex life used to be good but after the birth of our first girl went downhill. We used to argue about it and my wife would go from saying that its my problem to sometimes promising it would get better. After promising this it did improve - for a very short while. We concieved our second girl quite quickly and have not had sex since then. Since then Ive tried everything to get over this problem. Nothing works. She knows that its a big issue for me but thinks that it sould not be an issue. If I even mention sex - "remember that time we" etc she accuses me of trying to make her feel bad. So even mentioning it is a no go area. I suggested a counciller but again like the depression she refuses to accept that this should be an issue and that we need help with it. She says she finds me attractive but just does not want to have sex with me.

I really love my wife and children. Outside this problem our marriage is great. But every night we go to bed I let myself hope that tonight will be different - that she will want to make love to me. But nothing ever changes. And I get up and go to a job that is dull come home and play with the kids and then go to bed again hoping.

Every day that passes I feel more and more crushed. Each day my soul dies a little. But I have to keep going for the sake of my family.

Sorry this has been a long post.

Kimia

I'm sorry to hear that OP - sounds horrible. Your wife is being very selfish, refusing to seek help for her depression and low libido. Why does she get to decide that you both live a celibate life, who gave her all the power? You need to get serious on this - you need to sit her down and ask for couples counselling. At this stage you need to both see someone together because the alternative is that you either live with her and never have sex again or you break up. Both scenarios suck, and can be avoided, if you communicate to her that you are very unhappy in the relationship. Maybe she needs a fright to shock her out of complacency.

starnight

1one wrote: »

Hi,
Don't know where to turn. Bit of background: My wife of five years suffers from depression. I can handle it, sometimes its difficult, but I understand that she cant help this - she refuses to get help for it, which is her choice.

We have two gorgeous girls, aged three and a year and a half. When Im not working I do my fair share of the housework and looking after the kids etc. I always treat my wife like a queen. My wife is out of work at the moment. My job is steady but offers no challange to me, but it pays the bills so in the current recession I guess Im lucky to have it.

Thats by-the-way stuff, I dont know if it has a bearing on my problem. My actual problem is that we have a non existant sex life. Ive given up trying to have sex with her. Our sex life used to be good but after the birth of our first girl went downhill. We used to argue about it and my wife would go from saying that its my problem to sometimes promising it would get better. After promising this it did improve - for a very short while. We concieved our second girl quite quickly and have not had sex since then. Since then Ive tried everything to get over this problem. Nothing works. She knows that its a big issue for me but thinks that it sould not be an issue. If I even mention sex - "remember that time we" etc she accuses me of trying to make her feel bad. So even mentioning it is a no go area. I suggested a counciller but again like the depression she refuses to accept that this should be an issue and that we need help with it. She says she finds me attractive but just does not want to have sex with me.

I really love my wife and children. Outside this problem our marriage is great. But every night we go to bed I let myself hope that tonight will be different - that she will want to make love to me. But nothing ever changes. And I get up and go to a job that is dull come home and play with the kids and then go to bed again hoping.

Every day that passes I feel more and more crushed. Each day my soul dies a little. But I have to keep going for the sake of my family.

Sorry this has been a long post.

Hi this must be so hard for you and fair play to you for sticking in there and not leaving. It look likes she does not want help.

Your wife will not change unless she gets herself help I have been there and I started to get help and I am so much happier I not on any meds or anything just speaking to someone really helps and often enough a stranger is the best person to talk to.

I really hope she gets the help she needs

missmelo

Hi op, i totally agree with kimia, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation, before you also get depressed, and in turn affect your kids.

Maybe she does not want to go on anti depressants etc, not a lot of people do but there is always the natural remedy route too.

But seriously this is your marriage here, and needs to be sorted, its not fair on you, as much as depression is not nice for your wife, i have been there myself and am glad i got help for it.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks to those that have replied. I hope I didnt make too much of my wifes depression. It occurs maybe once every few months where she is down in the dumps for a week and nothing I say or do will help. It just leads to arguments - at the worst possible time i.e when she needs love and support. She says that talking to someone about how she feels isnt going to change anything.

Anyway its not often she gets down so I dont know if it has a bearing on our sex life. I feel shes against the idea of a councilling because she feels that she will be the one to get the blame. The ironic thing is Im not interested in assigning blame - I just want my wife to want me - which she very clearly doesnt.

Maybe Im just clutching at straws. Realistically I dont see anything changing. And leaving my children is not an option. I dont want to leave her either - like I said outside this issue its a fantastic marriage and she is otherwise a loving and devoted wife.

I wont get depressed - Im just not that sort of personality. And Im despondent already ;o) But Ill carry on nonetheless.

I sound like a right moaner and also self absorbed so Ill shut up.

Thanks again for your replies.

santana75

1one wrote: »

My wife of five years suffers from depression, but I understand that she cant help this - she refuses to get help for it

Of course she can help it. She can make an effort to battle her depression instead of throwing her hands up in the air and saying this and that wont work without even trying.
You're being way too understanding man. I know theres a certain amount of compromise that you gotta give in a marriage but it seems like your wife is calling all the shots. To say that she wont even discuss the sex issue with you sounds very much like a little dictator/drama queen at work. The bottom line is that you cant make her do anything, you cant change her behaviour. But what you can do is change your behaviour and choose to take yourself out of the situation as it currently stands.

Kimia

Op you don't sound like a moaner, you're just in a bad situation at the moment, it's good to express how you feel about things. I don't know if I would call your wife depressed per se, depression is a very serious mental illness and getting down in the dumps occasionally doesn't sound to me like depression.

There's no compromise here at all. She won't talk to you, and she refuses to try and make things better. I don't know what to say to you beyond that - you have to make a choice now because that's all you can do. Will you put up with this for the rest of your life or maybe take a break to get some space? I don't know if I could live with someone who I knew didn't want me and made no effort to reignite the love and passion.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I am sorry to hear of your situation, and again as others said fair play to you, you sound like a devoted husband and father.

I am not picking sides here, but I was very simular to your wife, I too suffer with anxiety and depression caused by pnd initially, I had to be treated for depression i.e. tablets and counselling etc. Now I do not know what level of depression your wife has, but if it is only occassionly etc, I cant imagine it would effect her sex life.

Anyway I have to say when I was very depressed, and at home all day with my children, the last thing I wanted was sex at night, I felt ugly and soooo tired all the time. And my partner tried everything. Some times I did it, just to keep him happy, but he knew I wasnt into it. We had so many fights over it, and I got more and more annoyed at him, and vice versa. Eventually he didnt try as much, or made smart comments about it.
After a period, I started getting my life back, and feeling better in myself, we had a break away from each other, and them everything fell back into place, and our sex life is better than ever now. I guess I just needed to take action in my life, just like your wifes needs too. Also I hate to admit, but the thoughts of him trying to get it elsewhere scared me.

It is obvious you love and desire your wife, she has to meet you half way, it took me a while to realise that. But please remember sexy is one thing she probably is so far away from feeling. You have to talk to her, and tell her how unhappy you are. Have you tried taking her out, or going away for a night or weekend?? Try and remind her how sexy you think she is, and not just a mother. Ask her what you can do??

If all this fails and you get no further, well then you have to decide is this what you want for ever?

Just remember it can get better, best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks again for those that replied. My wife and I had a long chat a few days ago. She knew I wasnt happy - and the reasons why. She was very upset and asked did I still want to be with her. Said of course I did but wasnt happy at the moment.

Anyway after a long talk we decided to give it a few months to see if we can work these issues out. Its in her ball park to do this - I did suggest a counciller etc. But she knows its up to her to resolve if she wants to save our marriage.

I did also mention a therapist but again shes totally against the idea. First said it wouldnt help and when I explained that it might she said we couldnt afford it (theres some truth in that). To this I told her that her mental health and general wellbeing will always come first and no price is to great to pay and that we would afford it somehow.

But time will tell how things pan out. At least the air is cleared now. She knows now that sex is something I need to feel our marriage is working. Hopefully we can get back on track. Would hate to see our marriage fail, cant stand the idea of leaving her and the kids.

But if it comes to that horrible place I honestly know that I did everything I could to make it work and that I tried my very best to make us happy.

Thanks again for your replies!

LegacyUser

hi,

it is great that you talked to your wife about everything. And yes you are right its up to her now. Best of luck with everything.

1one wrote: »

OP here again.

Thanks again for those that replied. My wife and I had a long chat a few days ago. She knew I wasnt happy - and the reasons why. She was very upset and asked did I still want to be with her. Said of course I did but wasnt happy at the moment.

Anyway after a long talk we decided to give it a few months to see if we can work these issues out. Its in her ball park to do this - I did suggest a counciller etc. But she knows its up to her to resolve if she wants to save our marriage.

I did also mention a therapist but again shes totally against the idea. First said it wouldnt help and when I explained that it might she said we couldnt afford it (theres some truth in that). To this I told her that her mental health and general wellbeing will always come first and no price is to great to pay and that we would afford it somehow.

But time will tell how things pan out. At least the air is cleared now. She knows now that sex is something I need to feel our marriage is working. Hopefully we can get back on track. Would hate to see our marriage fail, cant stand the idea of leaving her and the kids.

But if it comes to that horrible place I honestly know that I did everything I could to make it work and that I tried my very best to make us happy.

Thanks again for your replies!