Advice on internet dating/general safety when meeting people IRL?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm looking for some advice. I've recently joined a dating website (which shall remain nameless) and I've been really surprised by the amount of interest I've had even in the past few days. To put this in context, I have no picture up, but (at 21) I'm probably one of the youngest females on the site and I'm concerned some of them are contacting me just because of that.

I'm just wondering how you distinguish between people who are interested in you and would be good dates, and people who wouldn't. Like one person who mailed me his number and email and said he'd like to get to know me better, in his first mail. Someone else had a look through my profile and asked if I'd "give him a try" and that he'd "treat me well". Then there's someone I've been mailing for a few days and he's said nothing of the sort, though he seems quite nice and I might like to meet him for coffee or something.

How soon would you meet up with someone you've been talking to online? Where would you meet them? I just remember all the scare stories about internet predators I heard when I was a teenager, and though I'm no longer a teenager I still feel a bit concerned that I'd end up agreeing to meet a psychopath.

I haven't shared personal details beyond my first name with them, they don't even have an idea what I look like. Not really. I mean I've put my height, weight, hair colour etc on the site but again, no picture. Should I be concerned if they want to meet/start a relationship with me despite this?

I'm going unreg. for this because I don't want people I know on other forums to know that I'm trying internet dating. I suspect it would lead some of them to set up accounts also, just to make a mockery of me. With friends like these, and all that

I'm also aware that there was a (69 page long) thread on a topic similar to this until recently, which got locked. I think it was going off-topic - perhaps we could keep this one to words of advice about safety and about internet dating generally? It would be much appreciated.

Novella

I've met up with a good few people with whom I came in contact with online first, although never through dating sites. To stay safe, meet in a public place - a coffee shop or shopping centre etc. Tell a family member or friend where you are going, or even bring someone with you.

Chat online for a while and basically just don't ever feel pressured into meeting up or doing anything which makes you uncomfortable.

Yer 1

Hey!
I used to be on a dating website too and met a couple of guys (1 was lovely, 1 was a nut job)! lol
I used to get a lot of guys asking to meet up and sending their number in the 1st email which I think is pretty wierd. Obviously these guys have no idea what you are like at this stage and i think they must just send a generic email to lots of women in desperation! ie DO NOT REPLY!! You kinda recognise these emails after a while and just know not to bother replying.
But if your talking to a guy for a few weeks and yous seem to be getting on well I suggest meeting in a bar / restaurant (somewhere public obviously)
Theres a lot of wierdos out there but at the same time there are genuine guys too You just have to know what to look out for.
A friend of mine met her boyfriend online and things are going great for them, they'v just got a house together and everything!
Best of luck darling!

mood

I agree with Yer 1.

I first joined a free site and had no photo up. I found there were a lot of creeps and odd guys on it so I deleted my profile and joined a paid site. There seem to be much nicer, more normal guys on it.

On the free site I found it odd to get asked to meet a guy who didn't see my photo. Not being shallow or anything but you need to see a photo before meeting someone. Not much point meeting them if you don't think you would be attracted. And it's not very safe to meet someone when you don't even know what they look like! Some guys would ask for a photo and you wouldn't hear from them again (obviously didn't fancy me or whatever) so it's good when you put a photo up, at least you know the guys contacting you most likely will fancy you in reality.

Spend some time chatting on the site until you feel you might get on etc. Don't let them pick you up. Meet in a public place. Don't bring them home or go to there house after the first meet.

It's quite easy to spot the odd guys. After a few weeks you will spot them a mile off!

Just remember if you're meeting someone, let a friend know where you are

TommyKnocker

From a guys perspective, these would be my recommendations

• Don't be pressured into meeting up until you feel ready
• Arrange to meet for the first time in a public place of your choosing rather then you traveling somewhere unfamiliar/suggested by him
• Always tell someone/a friend where you are going and what time you expect to be back. If you decide to move on to somewhere else, let them know this
• Arrange to have a friend call you about 20-30 minutes after you were due to meet. This will give you an "out" should you need it, if it turns out they guy is a lunatic
• Possibly arrange to have friends with you first time, who could move on after a while if things are going well.
• Of course never leave a drink of any kind unattended and if you do then buy a fresh drink rather than finish the old one

I myself tried internet dating a number of years ago and although the ladies I met were close to double your age, the above are some of the steps they took to ensure their safety, which I understood and had absolutely no problem with.

The main thing is to look out for your own safety. Some of the ladies I met recounted stories of some weirdo's that they had met through the site.

Good Luck, have fun & stay safe

Yer 1

TommyKnocker wrote: »

• Arrange to have a friend call you about 20-30 minutes after you were due to meet. This will give you an "out" should you need it, if it turns out they guy is a lunatic

Now theres an idea!

Chuchoter

Meet in a public place, speak to them on webcam first to make sure they are who they say they are. Any hint of pressure and call a stop to it, you don't need to be arranging to meet the second after you start talking.

psycho-hope

hey Op, i met the bf on a dating site, my personal rules were
1. meet somewhere public the first time preferably for a coffee during the day
2. talk on the phone once or twice before you meet
3. try and arrange to meet a friend afterwards so you have a double back up, he/she knows where you are and if you dont turn up when your ment too they will know where you should be
4. if something seems off about the person it probably is
5. Listen to your intuition, if hes giving you the creeps/coming on to strong, make your excuses and leave.

hope that helps

MsJenjers

My ex and I met on a dating website, we were together for 10 months! I felt really safe meeting up with him because we really took our time getting to know eachother before meeting. I added him on facebook and it helped to see how he spoke to other people. We used to chat on the phone all the time getting to know eachother better and by the time we met up, we were already pretty connected! My advice is to just take your time, don't let any guy pressure you and learn as much about them as you can!

Ammsy500

Ive gone on a few dates with guys ive met online thankfully all turned out to be normal. You just need to use your head really. I think anyone who sends you an email with their number in the first message without even seeing a picture of you are best to stay away from. Their probably just sending the same message to everyone.

Before I met anybody especially for drinks I had been talking to them for a few weeks (normaly weirdos wont spend that much time talking to you they wouldnt waste their time lol) I think its best to meet for a coffee first so that if they do turn out to be strange you can leave quickly after one coffee/tea no akwardness. As a few people said above, never get picked up by them, dont go back to their house(no matter how well you think its going!) and dont bring them back to your house. Just general cop on is needed really.

Snoopy1

Oh dear i did everything wrong, when i was internet dating.
I never told anyone where i was going, i didnt have anybody ring me mid date, i met first dates at my house.
And here i am still alive, still with my boyfriend who i met on this free site (that you all seem so against.)

I cant see the point of going on a dating site if your not going to put up your photo.

Poor Craythur

OP - opt for a paid sites, fewer messers and there are lots of decent blokes on them.

TommyKnocker

Snoopy1 wrote: »

Oh dear i did everything wrong, when i was internet dating.
I never told anyone where i was going, i didnt have anybody ring me mid date, i met first dates at my house.
And here i am still alive, still with my boyfriend who i met on this free site (that you all seem so against.)

I cant see the point of going on a dating site if your not going to put up your photo.

I am happy you had such a positive experience with online dating and I dare say that you are not alone.

However IMO you did possibly take some risks, depending on how and for how long you had spoken to your now BF before you met up. Did you talk on the phone?, video chat etc? all of which would have given you a good idea of the character of the person you were going to meet up with IRL.

But however much we might wish otherwise, there are some dodgy*** characters out there, and the anonymity the Internet gives them the ability to pretend to be whoever they wish. Therefore I will always preach an ounce of prevention over a pound of cure as in my book, it's always better safe than sorry.

(*** Although the link above has nothing to do with the Internet or Internet dating, it was used to show how folks are not always what and who the first appear to be)

As for the not posting a picture up on a dating site, well I believe that there is still a sort of stigma attached to online dating. Some folks still seem to think of it as the last hope of the terminally desperate :rolleyes:

I think that some folks, especially shy, quiet, private types would rather not post a photo for all to see, even if it is restricted to members, and rather exchange photos with perspective dates after a little chit chat, and IMO there is nothing wrong with this approach.

Snoopy1

Oh i know there are some weirdos out there. I had bad experiences alright with meeting guys who were awful.

I wouldnt meet a guy straight away, i spend a couple of weeks emailing them, im usually friends on facebook, and i talked to them as well on the phone.

However i would always suggest meeting in a public place.

All i can say to the people that think dating sites are the last hope, is get over it. You shouldnt be embarrassed.

mood

With the guys I meet I never talked to them on the phone, skyped them or added them to facebook before meeting. I would find that strange and didn't see the need once I meet them in a public place etc.

Lilly one

Like others at the min thinking of doing the whole internet dating thing. Obviously from what I'm reading the 'free' dating web sites are the one's where most wierdo's hang can anyone recommend a decent web site with or without subscription. this is all new to me and can do with the help. The tips on safety on here have been great!

Snoopy1

Well im back dating again :mad:
What sites should i go on?

xxxSonsuzaxxx

Hi Lilly one & Snoopy1

In the last few months i've been on 4 or 5 dates from a free dating site. I'm currently still dating the last guy and so far so good. All the guys i got to know well before i met them, knew what they looked like, met them in a bar near to my house and made sure a friend knew where i was going. Personally i'd never add them to FB before i met them as i didn't really know them (yet) and wouldn't want them knowing too many personal details about me!

I met them all on the one site. I'll pm you the site address if that's ok? If you don't want to have your picture on show there is a way for you to set up your account where you have private images and you can attach them to a message so only people you mail will see it.

Best of luck to you both

valerie

xxxSonsuzaxxx wrote: »

Hi Lilly one & Snoopy1

I met them all on the one site. I'll pm you the site address if that's ok? If you don't want to have your picture on show there is a way for you to set up your account where you have private images and you can attach them to a message so only people you mail will see it.

Best of luck to you both

Hi Sonsuza,
Can you pm me the address too? Cheers!

kingtut

valerie wrote: »

Hi Sonsuza,
Can you pm me the address too? Cheers!

I'd like the link also please thanks!

Shane732

I'm just after starting to use POF (I haven't got a clue why)....

Are all the users real on it?? Seems to be that every second person in Dublin is on it but yet I don't know any of them!

Little Miss Lady

I've used online sites and to be honest to weed out the bad guys or weirdos
I would first
Not reply to anyone who gives you their personal email, phone number or facebook in their first mail
Not only is it creepy but also you would have to question why someone would hand out their phone number especially in a first mail with no correspondence from you.

Then I would just chat to them normally about general things like
where do they live?
What do they work at?
What do they like to do in their free time?
Have they been on many dates and what were they like?
Their family.. what they're looking for, where they socialise and so on

Then only when you are comfortable exchange phone numbers
talk to them on the phone
then arrange a date in a coffee shop and do tell someone where you are going
with whom and also to call you at a time..

I have been on lots of dates and although not all great, they were all safe..

have fun and take care

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks everyone. I took a lot of what you said on-board and decided to meet one of the men I was talking to. I texted him and talked to him on MSN for about 3 weeks before we met up, and exchanged photos that way so I had a vague idea of what he looked like.

We agreed to meet in a busy public street before heading off on our first date, and he was even ok with the idea of my bringing a friend to the meeting point. I actually didn't bring someone with me in the end, though I told a few friends (and my mother) where I was going.

Anyway, it went really well. I've seen him a few times since then and he seems a really sound guy, so hopefully it'll turn out to be one of those success stories, rather than like something out of a bad slasher movie :-P

Manic Moran

Granted, I'm approaching this from the perspective of a fine strapping male, but it seems to me that the general safety rules listed above probably should apply to all first dates/meetings, not just the ones initiated online. The same people on the Internet probably frequent the same offices and bars you may go to.

NTM(Interloper)

Penny Lane!

Agree with all the above, esp about letting someone else know where you are going and who with. I'd suggest coffee, avoid drinking anything stronger really. I met my OH online over 4 years ago and we were friends for a while first and we're not together 2 and a half years. It works out if you take the right steps in safty

Buceph

There's some great advice in here, but I'd be wary of one bit of it. I'd recommend against giving out your phone number before you've met the person a once (or a few times.) A friend was using a dating site for a while, and was asked for his phone number before meeting so they could talk on the phone first. He did, they talked a few times and it didn't work out, and he's been getting hang-up calls at odd times since. He doesn't know if it is her, the number is blocked so he can't tell, but it started happening after he stopped talking to yer wan.

If you want to talk to someone before meeting up try Skype. It's no hassle to abandon the account if you do get someone phone-stalking you.

Companero

wanting to get your number straight away is not necessarily cause they're pervs, they've probably just been online long enough to know how it's almost impossible to tell if you will be compatible with somebody in real life from talking online and very difficult to tell if you'll find somebody attractive or not from seeing some low-res pictures of them. Read Malcolm Gladwell;s 'Blink' for details - the things most of us think we're attracted to are not actually the things we are actually attracted to. Plus, most of the feelings you get from reading emails/text are simply your subconscious projecting an image of what you want on to a blank canvas.

Thus these guys are trying to hurry it up, which is as it should be. Internet dating should be used as a way to arrange meetings quickly (they are not 'dates' , dates are something you have with somebody you've already met and know you're attracted to). Plus, most of us guys are battling the numbers on these sites - probably 80% of the notes you send dont get replied to, and another 50 per cent of those trail off after a few bounces back and forth. The only way for a guy to be successful on dating websites is to send hundreds of mails and "spray and pray"

While I understand women's desire to be carfeul on online dating websites, there's no danger in meeting a guy for a drink/coffee in Dublin city centre any more than there is danger in walking into a dublin nightclub. As long as the guy doesnt have your home address, there's little he can do. In short, dont be so cagey: Internet dating is a far inferior way to meet people than expanding your social life is, so if its gonna work for you, you;ve gotta treat it light and fast and dont worry about it so much.