His Ex Harassing us

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Just looking for some perspective on this. Met this guy over a year ago hit it off great and we have been in a very happy relationship since! He is by far the nicest guy I have ever been with, he could well be "the one". Anyway in September last year we started getting calls/texts etc from his 'ex' and I use the term lightly as they were never going out it was more of a sat night after disco kind of thing that lasted about 2 months(we've all been there), anyway that ended a year before I met him.

Fastforward to September last year he starts getting texts asking what is he thinking going out with a knacker(her words not mine) like me(i'm far from it btw) etc etc he never replied to one of these messages and I know this coz he showed me his phone bills etc etc because I did question why a person would start something like this out of the blue, so I called her after another night of calls/texts threatening to burn our cars/house etc etc and asked her what was going on, she swears she never said anything about me that she is having a hard time getting over him and hates seeing us together and that she sees me all the time coming in and out of the house..she lives at the other side of a very very large estate so im not sure how she sees me but anyway the long and short of it is that I asked her to stop I told her I understood as I am a girl and have been heartbroken before so she says she will stop that she is sorry, this was in November last year and things did stop for a while.

Fastforward again to January just after xmas and one saturday night at 3am my car alarm starts going off so I turned it off back into bed, about 20 mins later the doorbell starts ringing and ringing and ringing so we look out the window and its her and 3 of her friends shouting and at our cars. We didn't turn on lights or anything just hoped she would go away when she got no reaction and she did so we let it go despite my car being scratched very badly the morning after.

For the last 2 weekends the same thing has been happening ringing the doorbell after a night out(we have disconnected it now) but its complete and utter harassment. We are not sure what she hopes to achieve by doing this but its become very hard for us to stay in the house most weekends we will stay at home at our respective parents house. We haven't gone out in the town we live in since xmas because when we did go out she would come over saying things.

Sorry for the long winded post, we are both in our late 20's and very happy and secure in our relationship but the constant harassment is getting to me as I dont know what she is capable of next she appeas to be very unstable, I do understand she is heartbroken but after 2 years she should be over it by now.We have started to look for somewhere else to live as we are only renting at the moment,we are also both very busy people in our careers and I have big exams coming up in April so could do without the stress of it all!

Has anybody got any experience of this and what way did you approach it? We are kinda hoping to sort it with the least amount of hassle as we are very private people and just want her out of our lives for good.Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

seamus

Ring the Gardai and make a complaint of harrassment.

You know who she is and where she lives.

Keep a video camera close by the bed so the next time it happens you can catch it all on camera and make further complaints to the Gardai.

Her and her mates are clearly just scumbags and want to cause as much hassle as possible after a night of drinking.

LegacyUser

Eh, why the hell haven't you rang the Gardai yet? Are you mental?! You are enabling this woman by allowing her to behave like that!

You gave her a chance to walk away from it, you were nice to her - and she's throwing it in your face. No more chances.

Not feeling like you can stay in your own house at the weekends - that is absolutely ridiculous. Ring the Gardai and stop letting this psycho walk all over you. Your bf should have done something by now too, to be honest!

Maple

Ring the Gardaí and report it. Seriously.

And do not be drawn into any further communication with this woman, don't try and reason with her. To be honest it should have been your boyfriend who did that in the first instance, don't understand why he allowed you take that responsibility as it is his past relationship that is the problem, not yours.

The more you allow this situation to develop, the longer it will continue. Ring the Gardaí, lodge a formal complaint, get the name & badge number of the Garda you lodge it with so that you can follow it up with them if it continues.

Sure, we've all had heartbreak but vandalism and harrassment is just taking it too far.

LegacyUser

khkhkj wrote: »

Eh, why the hell haven't you rang the Gardai yet? Are you mental?! You are enabling this woman by allowing her to behave like that!

You gave her a chance to walk away from it, you were nice to her - and she's throwing it in your face. No more chances.

Not feeling like you can stay in your own house at the weekends - that is absolutely ridiculous. Ring the Gardai and stop letting this psycho walk all over you. Your bf should have done something by now too, to be honest!

I don't want my boyfriend to do anything he wants us to call to her house and have it out with her but she is such an unstable girl that its like she is pushing it and pushing it so that he will explode and then she can turn it around on him!

I want to sort it in a way that will cause the least amount of hassle and attention to us as I despise drama and all that goes with it! We have every text message she has sent with all the threats i'm wondering can we get a restraining order as they are serious threats!

Taltos

OP - everyone is telling you to go to the gardai - please do so ASAP.
Anything you do personally will escalate.

Go with all the evidence you have
> photos
> text messages
> diary of the dates & times of her door antics and calls.

If you call around to her - the best you can expect is a call from the gardai over your harrassment.... So don't do it.

She and her mates are scum so I wouldn't put anything past them...

So today - meet your BF and make an official complaint - and seek the gardai's advice on how you can protect yourself.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - everyone is telling you to go to the gardai - please do so ASAP.
Anything you do personally will escalate.

Go with all the evidence you have
> photos
> text messages
> diary of the dates & times of her door antics and calls.

If you call around to her - the best you can expect is a call from the gardai over your harrassment.... So don't do it.

She and her mates are scum so I wouldn't put anything past them...

So today - meet your BF and make an official complaint - and seek the gardai's advice on how you can protect yourself.

Ok after speaking to my boyfriend again he has agreed that we have no option but to make a complaint to the guards even if its just to get all the messages/threats recorded in case something else happens so we will do that...i'm the type of person that doesn't like to draw trouble on me and I worry that if we go to the Guards she may get worse thats my biggest worry! Like I said earlier I have big accountancy exams coming up in 4 weeks and don't want any added stress!

curlzy

Are you really late 20s??? I'm very surprised to be honest. If you're smart enough to both have good careers and be pursuing further education I have to say I'm dumbfounded by what you've said. Why in the name of god would you interact with such a scumbag, I mean lets call a spade a spade, she's acting like a pathetic little scumbag and you're letting her dictate your actions, like keeping the lights off and staying out at the weekend?!?!?!?! Will you both grow up and grow a pair and maybe deal with this like a couple of adults huh? If you really need it spelt out then here it is;

1. Call 999
2. Report her to the gardai for harassment.
3. Keep a record of all incidents.
4. Follow it up with gardai.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh but what in the name of god are you both thinking? While I'm stating the obvious, no don't go near her or contact her, let the gardai deal with it.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Are you really late 20s??? I'm very surprised to be honest. If you're smart enough to both have good careers and be pursuing further education I have to say I'm dumbfounded by what you've said. Why in the name of god would you interact with such a scumbag, I mean lets call a spade a spade, she's acting like a pathetic little scumbag and you're letting her dictate your actions, like keeping the lights off and staying out at the weekend?!?!?!?! Will you both grow up and grow a pair and maybe deal with this like a couple of adults huh? If you really need it spelt out then here it is;

1. Call 999
2. Report her to the gardai for harassment.
3. Keep a record of all incidents.
4. Follow it up with gardai.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh but what in the name of god are you both thinking? While I'm stating the obvious, no don't go near her or contact her, let the gardai deal with it.

To be honest I find this uncalled for and totally unhelpful...nobody knows what they will do unless they are in the situation thats why I came on here looking for advice and not to be told that i'm acting like an idiot..we live a quiet life we don't like hassle or trouble, we had hoped that by ignoring her that she would go away i've already said that in a previous post!

Its easy to say go to the Guards and that will be the end of it but it might not be I want to do it right....again thats why I asked if people have been in this situation before and what have they done!
I did not come on looking to be told i'm not acting like an adult I think I am acting very mature by trying to solve this in a way that will cause the least amount of hassle!

fungun

Your car was badly scratched and you didnt call the Gardai? Thats pretty weak tbf.

Id video it next time, call the Gardai whilst they are still there and when they arrive present them with the evidence.

curlzy

Stressed.com wrote: »

To be honest I find this uncalled for and totally unhelpful...nobody knows what they will do unless they are in the situation thats why I came on here looking for advice and not to be told that i'm acting like an idiot..we live a quiet life we don't like hassle or trouble, we had hoped that by ignoring her that she would go away i've already said that in a previous post!

Its easy to say go to the Guards and that will be the end of it but it might not be I want to do it right....again thats why I asked if people have been in this situation before and what have they done!
I did not come on looking to be told i'm not acting like an adult I think I am acting very mature by trying to solve this in a way that will cause the least amount of hassle!

OK, I'm sorry I upset you but surely you can see where I'm coming from??? Like it's one thing to be bullied and put up with it when you're 10 or 11 but to be late 20s and put up with this because you don't want hassle is mind boggling to say the least. But yeah I'm sorry for not saying it in a nicer way, to be honest I just didn't know how to put it any other way!!!

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

OK, I'm sorry I upset you but surely you can see where I'm coming from??? Like it's one think to be bullied and put up with it when you're 10 or 11 but to be late 20s and put up with this because you don't want hassle is mind boggling to say the least. But yeah I'm sorry for not saying it in a nicer way, to be honest I just didn't know how to put it any other way!!!

I understand I think if I was reading it about someone else i'd be screaming at the computer aswell and saying I wouldnt put up with it at all but now that i'm in the situation i'm finding it so hard..i've never experienced anything like this and i've had 2 previous serious relationships one 5 years and one 2 years and i've never ever been faced with anything like this! I battled a serious illness in the past 2 years and have taken a very different outlook on life since then so thats why I keep saying that we like to lead a stress free life.....I have enough problems that I have no control over so I like to try and control any that I think I can if you get me!

She has really annoyed me and is stressing me out in a big way. I take what you are saying on board though the first time I tried to reason with her and it worked for a while but she is back as bad as ever so the only option is Guards so we are going to go tomorrow evening after work .

ManOfMystery

I'm with the others OP - your car has been damaged now, never mind the harrassment and implied threats etc ............. what will it take for you to ring the cops, your door kicked in?? Ring them NOW.

Distorted

curlzy wrote: »

Are you really late 20s??? I'm very surprised to be honest. If you're smart enough to both have good careers and be pursuing further education I have to say I'm dumbfounded by what you've said. Why in the name of god would you interact with such a scumbag, I mean lets call a spade a spade, she's acting like a pathetic little scumbag and you're letting her dictate your actions, like keeping the lights off and staying out at the weekend?!?!?!?! Will you both grow up and grow a pair and maybe deal with this like a couple of adults huh? If you really need it spelt out then here it is;

1. Call 999
2. Report her to the gardai for harassment.
3. Keep a record of all incidents.
4. Follow it up with gardai.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh but what in the name of god are you both thinking? While I'm stating the obvious, no don't go near her or contact her, let the gardai deal with it.

That was my thoughts as well. I'm just astonished to hear that this is what goes on between people in their late twenties with professional careers in the first place, never mind just letting it continue without doing anything about it! I just don't know anyone this has happened to in similar circumstances.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

That was my thoughts as well. I'm just astonished to hear that this is what goes on between people in their late twenties with professional careers in the first place, never mind just letting it continue without doing anything about it! I just don't know anyone this has happened to in similar circumstances.

It really makes no difference what age we are this kind of thing could happen to anyone or what our careers are in fairness its a weird statement to make, you see stories in the paper all the time of jealous exs etc etc!

Like I keep saying i'm looking for advice not to be attacked for being stupid for not doing anything,i'm taking the mature route and not losing it like alot of people might do and end up lashing out at her and getting myself in trouble !!

Blumentopf

OP, I sympathise with you and I can appreciate your reluctance to go to the guards. I once experienced some crazy woman's wrath and it was seriously scary because you cannot apply logic to these situations and one carefully weighs up the pros and cons of what to do. Thankfully in my case I was never physically hurt or my belongings damaged and it fizzled out and sorted itself by moving. In any case, i would go to the guards at this stage and I would move and get a new phone. Some may say why should you have to move, etc, but life is too short for this kind of hassle. All the best!

Taltos

OP - it's ok I know where you are coming from, and on another day I may have responded like the above.
Fact is though you have tried the path of least resistance, and sometimes this works - folk get bored and move on. In this case though - after two years she is already escalating it, whether you like to see it or not.
Going to the gardai really is the best course of action - key thing though - keep in contact with the gardai and be rigerous in recording all future events.

I know you are afraid that this may cause her to escalate - however in damaging your car she has already stepped it up - and chances are was planning something worse...

Focus on your exams. Don't let this lunatic get to you - and just work it through the gardai now.

Best of luck.

Zen65

Stressed.com wrote: »

I don't want my boyfriend to do anything he wants us to call to her house and have it out with her but she is such an unstable girl that its like she is pushing it and pushing it so that he will explode and then she can turn it around on him!

I want to sort it in a way that will cause the least amount of hassle and attention to us as I despise drama and all that goes with it! We have every text message she has sent with all the threats i'm wondering can we get a restraining order as they are serious threats!

I'm glad you have opted not to confront her yourselves; it can only make matters worse and leaves you open to allegations of threatening behaviour. You can go to the Gardaí with the evidence you've collected, and they may call to her with a warning. If she continues her behaviour you simply keep informing the Gardaí (ask them for a PULSE number for your case.... it does drive them to take the case more seriously).

Sending threatening messages by phone is a criminal act, so keeping the text messages is very important. You should also try to collect video of her ringing on your doorbell and shouting abuse at you late at night. The Gardaí are busy to be fair, but if they can be convinced of the threatening nature of this woman's actions they might intervene.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP, I know you want to deal with the situation without any hassle, but at this stage it's a bit too late for that. This woman is bullying you and your boyfriend, two grown adults - and she's getting away with it. Letting someone walk all over you is not being 'mature', it's being a doormat.

There's trying to deal with it without any hassle, and there's being assertive and sorting this out in an adult way. For the love of God, go to the Gards. That's what they're there for.

curlzy

Just a reminder the OP did say yesterday that she's going to the gardai with her partner. She's just over an illness and has exams coming up so I can see why she would hope this would just go away but she seems to get now that the gardai need to be involved as this wackjob just seems to be getting worse.

Hope it all goes well and gets sorted out nice and quickly OP, but if it takes longer and has you stressed you're welcome to come back here to vent! Like someone else said try not to let it get to you, concentrate on your exams and your lovely relationship and leave the gaurds to do their job.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Just a reminder the OP did say yesterday that she's going to the gardai with her partner. She's just over an illness and has exams coming up so I can see why she would hope this would just go away but she seems to get now that the gardai need to be involved as this wackjob just seems to be getting worse.

Hope it all goes well and gets sorted out nice and quickly OP, but if it takes longer and has you stressed you're welcome to come back here to vent! Like someone else said try not to let it get to you, concentrate on your exams and your lovely relationship and leave the gaurds to do their job.

Thanks very much really appreciate the support! We are going to make a complaint tonight after work, we sat down last night and wrote everything down and I was able to print all the messages as we both have iPhones so it took a while but I was able to email them to myself and print them that way,I couldn't find any other way of doing it so fingers crossed that is enough for the Guards to even give her a warning or something and may frighten her into knowing that we mean business.

Thanks again for all the comments x

LegacyUser

Don't place too much hope on the Garda option. Only people who have never dealt with them would recommend them to the extent some people here have.

(maybe things are different in Dublin, but in the rest of the country they're a dead loss)

As a poster of one of the other ex stalker threads here a few months ago, my experience with the guards was awful. They didn't take the situation seriously at all, even after our door actually was kicked in. They said they hadn't seen it happen so it was hard to do anything about it, like we were making it up or something. Very disheartening situation and as of now we have had to change our phone numbers, email addresses, and we are moving house next week and have not told anyone in the hope our new location doesn't get back to her.

I'd advise you to move house, mention it to the guards but don't hold out hope that they'll bother to do anything about this.

LegacyUser

Hubbahubba wrote: »

Don't place too much hope on the Garda option. Only people who have never dealt with them would recommend them to the extent some people here have.

(maybe things are different in Dublin, but in the rest of the country they're a dead loss)

As a poster of one of the other ex stalker threads here a few months ago, my experience with the guards was awful. They didn't take the situation seriously at all, even after our door actually was kicked in. They said they hadn't seen it happen so it was hard to do anything about it, like we were making it up or something. Very disheartening situation and as of now we have had to change our phone numbers, email addresses, and we are moving house next week and have not told anyone in the hope our new location doesn't get back to her.

I'd advise you to move house, mention it to the guards but don't hold out hope that they'll bother to do anything about this.

You sound like you have had a horrible experience I totally sympathise with you.

We went to the Guards but didn't get a huge amount of comfort from it, they basically said that we will have to wait til she does something big, we had a copy of all the messages but they were kind of leaning towards us sorting it ourselves as opposed to going down the Guards route,I explained we already tried that and it didn't work.

So I dunno where we go from here...we have had no trouble the past few nights thank god.

Taltos

Suggest you keep hassling the gardai and even seek legal advice if you can take a personal action or barring order.
The more the gardai see the better and try to build a rappor with one or two specific garda, to build their feelings of responsibility...

mood

OP what did they say about the damage to you car?

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

OP what did they say about the damage to you car?

There is no proof that it was her that did it and unless I can prove that it was her there is nothing they can do!

I did however approach her as we were in a supermarket the other day and she basically followed us around it. We waited until we got home and I text her basically asking her to leave us alone, I text so that I would have her responses in writing so she said that basically he deserves everything he gets and that she wasn't goin to stop. I said if she had a reasonable explaination I might have some sympathy towards her but she couldnt give anything so in my final text I told her that I had already reported everything and that I would press charges the next time she did anything, this appeared to spook her as she did a full 360 and said that she knew she was wrong and that she was sorry for everything and that she would leave us alone from now on and thanked me for being so understanding....crazy!!!!!!!

This was Firday evening and we haven't heard anything since so it may be a temporary measure but it will give us time to get ourselves sorted.

mood

Stressed.com wrote: »

There is no proof that it was her that did it and unless I can prove that it was her there is nothing they can do!

I did however approach her as we were in a supermarket the other day and she basically followed us around it. We waited until we got home and I text her basically asking her to leave us alone, I text so that I would have her responses in writing so she said that basically he deserves everything he gets and that she wasn't goin to stop. I said if she had a reasonable explaination I might have some sympathy towards her but she couldnt give anything so in my final text I told her that I had already reported everything and that I would press charges the next time she did anything, this appeared to spook her as she did a full 360 and said that she knew she was wrong and that she was sorry for everything and that she would leave us alone from now on and thanked me for being so understanding....crazy!!!!!!!

This was Firday evening and we haven't heard anything since so it may be a temporary measure but it will give us time to get ourselves sorted.

Do you own the house you live in or do you rent? I one or both of you own the house get CC TV. If not why not move as it would give you some peace of mind.

I also think your boyfriend should be the one telling her to back off. That way she will know for sure he doesn't want her. She is probably deluded and thinks her would want her if you weren't in the picture!

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

Do you own the house you live in or do you rent? I one or both of you own the house get CC TV. If not why not move as it would give you some peace of mind.

I also think your boyfriend should be the one telling her to back off. That way she will know for sure he doesn't want her. She is probably deluded and thinks her would want her if you weren't in the picture!

Yeah as I said in a previous post we are looking at moving just need to find somewhere else,I know there are loads of places to rent but I want it to be somewhere she won't find out about!

No she is not deluded by any means they were "together" 2 years ago it was just a very casual sat night after the disco kind of thing but as soon as he realised she was a bit unstable he broke contact that was a year before he met me and he had no trouble/contact from her in this time so it was just when I came along. I personally think she wants attention and in particular his attention for whatever reason.

I'm not normally very trusting of guys having been burned badly before so at first I did question why all this was happening and that maybe there was something more to it but i'm 100% convinced that its just her being crazy and wanting to make our lives miserable!

Asphyxia

I've had my run in with the 'ex' thankfully not in a face to face confrontation but I wouldn't pass it off :rolleyes:

In your situation I would highly recommend getting legal advice and maybe a restraining order and if she breaks it then the gaurds can arrest her.

You shouldn't have to live your life like this nobody should... I hope you get it sorted out.