Holiday with BF?

My BF wants me to go to New York with him. I've been dismissing his requests for the past six months and it's starting to get on his nerves. He wants to know what the problem is. My problem has nothing to do with him; it's about my parents. I live with them and they're very overprotective. Despite the fact that I'm 22, I haven't even told them that I have a boyfriend because I know they would make things difficult. If I even suggested going away with a guy I know they would make my life a living hell. I know they would want to analyse my BF (and I mean ANALYSE - tear him apart and see how he reacts) and I know they would do everything they could to discourage me. I don't want to go through that and I certainly don't want him to go through that.
Part of me says that I'm 22. By the time I get the money to go I'll be 23, maybe even 24. I should be able to go regardless of what they say. But it's not like I can just ignore them since I'm living with them. It's really frustrating and I've no idea how to handle this. Does anyone have advice on how to approach this?

ravima

is this a short holiday planned for the near future, or planned for when you are 24?

mood

Why don't you move out and share a house with people you own age?

You should really be honest with your boyfriend. Lying and/or hiding things from his will only ruin your relationship.

STIG83

Or tell your parents to mind their own business, its nothing to do with them who you go out with.

ravima

ravima wrote: »

is this a short holiday planned for the near future, or planned for when you are 24?

I'd like to go as soon as I have the money. But realistically it would take me months to save up, since my job is rubbish, meaning the earliest I could go would be 2012, leaving me 23 going on 24.

I would love to move out, in fact I've been planning to, but it's hard to get a job that pays enough to cover rent, food AND saving up for a trip to NY. Not to mention I'm in dire need of a new laptop. Even at that I'd be afraid of how cold my parents could turn on me if I mentioned a holiday with a bloke.
I have to tell my BF what's bothering me, since he's getting really wound up. But I'm sure it'll make him think I'm some sort of overgrown child. I can't help what my parents are like, but despite that they're still my parents and their approval is important.

Ickle Magoo

You are an adult - your parents are going to have to accept that at some stage and appeasing their over-protection isn't going to make the inevitable break any easier. Their actions towards you are governed in the main by your reactions to their behaviours and as an adult sharing their house, you are entitled to ask for certain freedoms to be respected or move out.

Tbh, I'd be reluctant to live with people who would willingly make my life a "living hell" for daring to have a boyfriend in my 20's...I think you should perhaps be looking for alternative accommodation - or you could broach the topic of boyfriends and you growing up with a mind to moving out if compromise can't be reached?

All the best

mood

Why is their approval is important to you? It sounds like they will never approve of any guy you go out with so just accept this rather than look for their approval.

OP loads of people pay rent, buy food etc and still go on holidays. Maybe you could drink/smoke less or buy less clothes/magazines/eat out less in order to be able to move out AND save for the holiday.

A single room in a shared house would be the cheapest option. Check out www.daft.ie

I have a feeling this may not be an issue for much longer if you are not honest with your boyfriend. If he is getting so fed up he is likely to break it off. Honesty and openness is very important in a relationship. I can't understand why you haven't spoke to him about this already!

STIG83

Hope you dont mind me asking this OP, are you an only child in the family? it might explain alot why your parents are over protective of you.

STIG83

STIG83 wrote: »

Hope you dont mind me asking this OP, are you an only child in the family? it might explain alot why your parents are over protective of you.

No. I'm the youngest. But I'm a girl. That seems to make a hell of a lot of difference with my parents.

STIG83

Deleted User wrote: »

No. I'm the youngest. But I'm a girl. That seems to make a hell of a lot of difference with my parents.

But still though, they cant be overprotective forever, you have to get on with your life too.
Say for arguement sake, you were single and told them you were leaving with a few friends to travel around the world, what way would they react to that?

STIG83

STIG83 wrote: »

But still though, they cant be overprotective forever, you have to get on with your life too.
Say for arguement sake, you were single and told them you were leaving with a few friends to travel around the world, what way would they react to that?

They would be fairly alright provided the friends were girls. I've been away with friends before. But boys are an entirely different ballgame.

mood

OP I have experience of renting while in a badly paid job when I was close to your age. It is possible. I think you either have to put up with it or move out. As someone else said paying rent is a small price to pay for having freedom to do as you please. I assume you can't have your boyfriend in your parents house or spend the night at his - not exactly ideal.

Where does you monthly/weekly wages go? You should have plenty saved considering you live at home! Why not save the bulk of what you earn of two months and keep it in a savings a/c for the holiday. Then move out.

STIG83

Deleted User wrote: »

They would be fairly alright provided the friends were girls. I've been away with friends before. But boys are an entirely different ballgame.

Were your parents like this with your siblings too?

mood

mood wrote: »

OP I have experience of renting while in a badly paid job when I was close to your age. It is possible. I think you either have to put up with it or move out. As someone else said paying rent is a small price to pay for having freedom to do as you please. I assume you can't have your boyfriend in your parents house or spend the night at his - not exactly ideal.

Where does you monthly/weekly wages go? You should have plenty saved considering you live at home! Why not save the bulk of what you earn of two months and keep it in a savings a/c for the holiday. Then move out.

I spend the night at his once a week. My parents think I'm having a study night with one of my girlfriends.

I don't have much saved... I give half to my parents and the rest usually goes on books for university. I'm finishing in May so hopefully then I can start scraping money together.

mood

Do you mind me asking how much you give to you parents? Maybe you could rent a room for the same amount or less!

Or maybe aim to move out when you finish college in the summer if you have a better paid job or more hours in your current job. You really need to make a plan to more out in the future if you can't right now.

mood

mood wrote: »

Do you mind me asking how much you give to you parents? Maybe you could rent a room for the same amount or less!

Or maybe aim to move out when you finish college in the summer if you have a better paid job or more hours in your current job. You really need to make a plan to more out in the future if you can't right now.

It's 50% of what I make. So about €100 a week? I could rent a room for it, definately.
Moving out in the summer was what I had in mind. If I can find somewhere and if my folks don't guilt me into staying. Last time I suggested moving out I got the whole "Don't you like it here?" guilt trip.

mood

Deleted User wrote: »

It's 50% of what I make. So about €100 a week? I could rent a room for it, definately.
Moving out in the summer was what I had in mind. If I can find somewhere and if my folks don't guilt me into staying. Last time I suggested moving out I got the whole "Don't you like it here?" guilt trip.

You will definitely find someone for €100 a week if not a lot less depending on where you live and depending on where you are willing to move to.

It is ridiculous to come on here complaining about your situation if you are enabling it (ie allowing them to guilt you into staying). Just stand up for your self and say 'I am moving out because I am an adult and what me space'. They will complain but big deal. It will stop once you move out.

mood

mood wrote: »

You will definitely find someone for €100 a week if not a lot less depending on where you live and depending on where you are willing to move to.

It is ridiculous to come on here complaining about your situation if you are enabling it (ie allowing them to guilt you into staying). Just stand up for your self and say 'I am moving out because I am an adult and what me space'. They will complain but big deal. It will stop once you move out.

You act like being concerned for my parents is a bad thing. I'm sorry but I was brought up to respect my parents. I can't help what they're like and I've never once encouraged their excessive nature. But having said that it goes against my nature to do something that could hurt them. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. But I certainly won't become one of the modern brats that treats the people that reared them like crap.
I do need to stand up for them and I do need to get out on my own. That's true but it's not a matter of just getting the money and going, which you don't seem to understand. It won't stop once I move out. If I go without their approval they'll hold a grudge and even if they do approve they'll insist on calling me/coming over just like they did with my sister. You've obviously never had parents like this if you think moving out will be the solution to all of my problems.

Ickle Magoo

If setting out boundaries or moving out and stopping enabling your parents behaviour would be treating them like crap - what would you call living in fear of them making your life a "living hell" or being forced to lie or tip-toe around your parents about what you spend your own money on aged 22?

You seem very reluctant to see just how odd their behaviour is - regardless, it certainly isn't going to change unless you are prepared to insist that it does.

mood

Deleted User wrote: »

You act like being concerned for my parents is a bad thing. I'm sorry but I was brought up to respect my parents. I can't help what they're like and I've never once encouraged their excessive nature. But having said that it goes against my nature to do something that could hurt them. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. But I certainly won't become one of the modern brats that treats the people that reared them like crap.
I do need to stand up for them and I do need to get out on my own. That's true but it's not a matter of just getting the money and going, which you don't seem to understand. It won't stop once I move out. If I go without their approval they'll hold a grudge and even if they do approve they'll insist on calling me/coming over just like they did with my sister. You've obviously never had parents like this if you think moving out will be the solution to all of my problems.

OP moving out etc is not disrespecting you parents. You can move out and get on with your life without being nasty to them or treating them like crap etc. It would be irrational for them to be hurt by you moving out IMO. But you can't live the life of a child to keep them happy. If they call over etc when you move out it's still better than your current situation. You could always move a little further away than planned so they are less likely to call over without calling you first. Putting off moving out will not make it easier. I think it will be harder to do the older you get and older your parents get.

Firetrap

Moving out would do you a world of good, regardless of whether you have a boyfriend or not. It'll make you feel more like an adult, you'll have independence and it will draw a boundary between you and your parents. They need to understand too that you are an adult in your own right.

Faith

Deleted User wrote: »

You act like being concerned for my parents is a bad thing.

It is, in this case, for you. You are not living your life. You are living a half-life based on what your parents want. Trust me, I did the same for a while and I ended up seriously unhappy. You are an adult and your parents need to learn to respect that. When I met my ex, I lied to my parents for a while. Told them I was calling over to this friend's house, or going for a drink with that friend. Eventually, I told them I had a boyfriend, and not so long later, I told them I was staying at his house for the night. They were horrified to begin, and my Dad was furious, but they got over it in a few days.

It is not your job to parent your parents. It is not your job to tiptoe around, hoping you don't upset the balance. It is not your job to lie to everybody in your life just to keep your parents happy. Does your boyfriend know they don't know about him? If not, he must be wondering if you're ashamed of him or something because you won't introduce him. If he does know, he's probably thinking along the same lines. There is a balance to respecting your parents and living life as you want to. I might sound harsh here, but I've gone through all this. I ended up stressed, anxious and depressed. When I finally took control, I immediately started to feel better. The more control you hand over to your parents, the more they'll take. You don't enjoy living at home, but you're afraid to move out because they'll get angry. What's worse? Being trapped and under their thumb and completely lacking independence and freedom, or taking control and allowing them to be cross with you for a while?

You started this thread, so you obviously want things to change. Now you need to stop being afraid of your parents' reactions, and do what's best for you. You are the most important person in this scenario, and your happiness is what you need to strive for.

I suppose you're right. I'm honestly sick of my life revolving around what they say. I haven't even had a long-term relationship because I'm anxious about how difficult my parents would make it. Part of the reason I haven't even told them about this guy is because I don't want their toxic paranoia ruining my chances of trusting him =/ When I think about it they're really not supportive at all. They treat me like an idiot and make me feel guilty about wanting to get out on my own like any normal young adult.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, though. I love my parents and dread the thought of offending them. But in the end I've got to grow up and I'm just not getting the space I need to do that. I've got to be tough, right?

STIG83

OP, its just your parents are old fashioned, im sure they are against couples who live together before marriage. Times have changed and they need to realise that.

KiLLeR CoUCh

I can really sympathise with you on this one OP. I'm a girl and an only child so I know what its like to have over protective parents.

First things first you need to tell them you have a boyfriend. Drop it into conversation like it's not a big deal. Or don't even mention the word boyfriend. When I started going out with my OH I just said to them "Oh, X from college is coming over this evening, just to watch a movie". He arrived, he introduced himself politely and made a nice impression and that was that. Over time I got plenty of questions ranging from "Is he your boyfriend now?" to "What do his parents do?" Which I answered them all honestly and without any attitude.

In terms of your parents analysing your OH, just ignore it. Like I said, answer whatever questions they may have but if they get judgemental or critical then you have to let them know in no uncertain terms that this is your boyfriend, he is very close to you and you will not here anybody speak about him in that way to your face. As for going on holiday, you can tell them about it when they've gotten over the shock of you having a boyfriend.

Whether you move out or not OP is up to you. I think you'd be happier if you broke away a bit from your parents. They're going to have to get used to you doing your own thing. Last thing fgs tell your boyfriend about what's going on. If all he sees is you stalling about going on holiday how on earth do you think that looks to him? He may offer support, a solution or some form of compromise.

STIG83

KiLLeR CoUCh wrote: »

I can really sympathise with you on this one OP. I'm a girl and an only child so I know what its like to have over protective parents.

First things first you need to tell them you have a boyfriend. Drop it into conversation like it's not a big deal. Or don't even mention the word boyfriend. When I started going out with my OH I just said to them "Oh, X from college is coming over this evening, just to watch a movie". He arrived, he introduced himself politely and made a nice impression and that was that. Over time I got plenty of questions ranging from "Is he your boyfriend now?" to "What do his parents do?" Which I answered them all honestly and without any attitude.

In terms of your parents analysing your OH, just ignore it. Like I said, answer whatever questions they may have but if they get judgemental or critical then you have to let them know in no uncertain terms that this is your boyfriend, he is very close to you and you will not here anybody speak about him in that way to your face. As for going on holiday, you can tell them about it when they've gotten over the shock of you having a boyfriend.

Whether you move out or not OP is up to you. I think you'd be happier if you broke away a bit from your parents. They're going to have to get used to you doing your own thing. Last thing fgs tell your boyfriend about what's going on. If all he sees is you stalling about going on holiday how on earth do you think that looks to him? He may offer support, a solution or some form of compromise.

I never get why parents ask that!!

STIG83

STIG83 wrote: »

I never get why parents ask that!!

Me neither! And it's horrible because I never know :rolleyes:

STIG83

OP, i saw in one of your earlier posts that when you tried to move out before, your parents guilted you into staying!! that's crazy!!
Are they control freaks?

STIG83

STIG83 wrote: »

OP, i saw in one of your earlier posts that when you tried to move out before, your parents guilted you into staying!! that's crazy!!
Are they control freaks?

They can be quite controlling. But in a subtle, manipulative sort of way. They never force me to do anything, but if I don't cooperate I'm subject to all sorts of guilt trips. For instance I do almost all the house work as well as work weekends and going to college. When I suggested moving out my mother went on and on about not being able to do everything on her own, so whenever I think of moving out I basically imagine the entire house falling apart and my mother having a nervous breakdown.
The same goes for when I start seeing a guy. They gradually get more and more critical of him until I just can't take it any more and give up on the relationship.

STIG83

Deleted User wrote: »

They can be quite controlling. But in a subtle, manipulative sort of way. They never force me to do anything, but if I don't cooperate I'm subject to all sorts of guilt trips. For instance I do almost all the house work as well as work weekends and going to college. When I suggested moving out my mother went on and on about not being able to do everything on her own, so whenever I think of moving out I basically imagine the entire house falling apart and my mother having a nervous breakdown.
The same goes for when I start seeing a guy. They gradually get more and more critical of him until I just can't take it any more and give up on the relationship.

Sorry to hear that OP, They cant make you stay at home forever, you have to flee the nest sometime.
Would it be any good to sit down with them and tell them how you feel? Would it do any good?

STIG83

STIG83 wrote: »

Sorry to hear that OP, They cant make you stay at home forever, you have to flee the nest sometime.
Would it be any good to sit down with them and tell them how you feel? Would it do any good?

It would make them LOL in my face if that's your definition of 'good'. They don't take me very seriously.

STIG83

All i can say to ya is tell them bout your BF, ,then bring him over to your house,they will get over it, its not like somebody died.

mood

Deleted User wrote: »

They can be quite controlling. But in a subtle, manipulative sort of way. They never force me to do anything, but if I don't cooperate I'm subject to all sorts of guilt trips. For instance I do almost all the house work as well as work weekends and going to college. When I suggested moving out my mother went on and on about not being able to do everything on her own, so whenever I think of moving out I basically imagine the entire house falling apart and my mother having a nervous breakdown. The same goes for when I start seeing a guy. They gradually get more and more critical of him until I just can't take it any more and give up on the relationship.

I assume your parents are quite young considering you are only 22. This situation will get worse are your parents get older. They will want you there for doctors appointments, they can't use the hoover any more, they will want lifts everywhere... the list will be endless (and exaggerated by the sound of it). Are you prepared to live with them forever and be single forever? If not it will be easier to move out soon. Trust me, I know someone who emigrated to get away form over dependent parents, I know another who claimed to not be able to afford to rent despite having a job and now they can't as the mother would never cope as she has come to totally depend on her!

What happened when your sister moved out that was so bad?

They're not young, no. They started quite late so they're nearing 60. Not too old but they act like they're disabled most of the time.
When she moved out they weren't outwardly intrusive. But they'd do little things like keep calling. My mother in particular was bad - she kept buying household products, which doesn't sound so bad, but it was so excessive that if my sister hadn't put a stop to it her mother would have redecorated her entire house. Like I said they're not outright demanding, they just build up on little things and before you know it they've gotten under your skin.

mood

Deleted User wrote: »

They're not young, no. They started quite late so they're nearing 60. Not too old but they act like they're disabled most of the time.

So, if your still at home in ten years time chances are they will have some real health problems and you will never leave. I don't mean to say nobody should help take care of their parents but I have seen some people sacrifice their lives to be carers for parents who didn't need carers. One person I know in particular will never leave her mother, therefore will never have a serious relationship or never have children all because she allowed her mother become too dependent on her. It's not right.

I know exactly what you mean. I actually have a neighbour like that. I'd never want to end up that way. With no life just because my parents refused to accept that their youngest was leaving the nest.

Penny Dreadful

Deleted User wrote: »

It's 50% of what I make. So about €100 a week? I could rent a room for it, definately.
Moving out in the summer was what I had in mind. If I can find somewhere and if my folks don't guilt me into staying. Last time I suggested moving out I got the whole "Don't you like it here?" guilt trip.

I'm in the middle of trying to rent out the rooms in my house (I'm moving in with my boyfriend at the end of the month) and the most expensive room is the master en suit and I'm renting that for €420 a month and thats in Dublin. You'll get somewhere you can afford for sure.

Deleted User wrote: »

You act like being concerned for my parents is a bad thing. I'm sorry but I was brought up to respect my parents. I can't help what they're like and I've never once encouraged their excessive nature. But having said that it goes against my nature to do something that could hurt them. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. But I certainly won't become one of the modern brats that treats the people that reared them like crap.
I do need to stand up for them and I do need to get out on my own. That's true but it's not a matter of just getting the money and going, which you don't seem to understand. It won't stop once I move out. If I go without their approval they'll hold a grudge and even if they do approve they'll insist on calling me/coming over just like they did with my sister. You've obviously never had parents like this if you think moving out will be the solution to all of my problems.

Standing up for yourself and starting out on your own is not being disrespectful to your parents. I think it shows them (and you could say this if is would help) that they have done a good job of brining you up to be a mature capable adult who can take care of herself and make her own way in the world. Moving out does not mean cutting them off, it just means cutting the apron strings.

Deleted User wrote: »

I suppose you're right. I'm honestly sick of my life revolving around what they say. I haven't even had a long-term relationship because I'm anxious about how difficult my parents would make it. Part of the reason I haven't even told them about this guy is because I don't want their toxic paranoia ruining my chances of trusting him =/ When I think about it they're really not supportive at all. They treat me like an idiot and make me feel guilty about wanting to get out on my own like any normal young adult.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, though. I love my parents and dread the thought of offending them. But in the end I've got to grow up and I'm just not getting the space I need to do that. I've got to be tough, right?

Your parents are using the love you feel for them and your fear of hurting them and being seen as disrespectful against you. That is not fair and it is not loving behaviour from your parents.

Deleted User wrote: »

They can be quite controlling. But in a subtle, manipulative sort of way. They never force me to do anything, but if I don't cooperate I'm subject to all sorts of guilt trips. For instance I do almost all the house work as well as work weekends and going to college. When I suggested moving out my mother went on and on about not being able to do everything on her own, so whenever I think of moving out I basically imagine the entire house falling apart and my mother having a nervous breakdown.
The same goes for when I start seeing a guy. They gradually get more and more critical of him until I just can't take it any more and give up on the relationship.

My parents, well to be fair my mother, sounds quite like yours. Even now, at the ripe old age of 33, my mother still brings up the fact that I moved out of home when I was 19. She goes on about other people who didn't rush to get away, what did she do wrong to drive us (we all moved out at 18/19) away, and on and on it goes. When I bought my house (was 23 at this stage and have been away from home for years due to college) she still expected me to go home every single weekend and just be there. We ended up having a huge fight about it and while it was hard, as was her silent treatment, the not so silent "you've changed, you're not the lovely girl you used to be, what did I do to deserve this......" was even harder it was something that I quite simply had to do for my own sanity.
In the end it did make things better. My mother can be quite emotionally dependent on all of us (3 sisters and 1 brother) but me in particular and she is a master at the emotional blackmail but I just don't stand for it anymore. Also talking it over (ranting about it) with my sisters is great for release and it means that you don't get the guilt feeling because you're ranting within the family and your siblings will know that just because you're saying all of this it doesn't mean that you don't love your parents.

Good luck with it all.

Yes Penney, that sounds exactly like my mother. My dad was protective when I was a kid but he's gotten a bit calmer now, though he still talks to me like I'm 5. Mother, on the other hand was the opposite way around. She tightened the apron strings as the years went on. I don't want to have a blow out with her but honestly it feels like it's inevitable, since tensions have been rising phenomenally lately.

I once asked my mother was she not happy to have raised a daughter that thought for herself rather than just do what other people tell her. Her answer was a very definite "No."

Penny Dreadful

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes Penney, that sounds exactly like my mother. My dad was protective when I was a kid but he's gotten a bit calmer now, though he still talks to me like I'm 5. Mother, on the other hand was the opposite way around. She tightened the apron strings as the years went on. I don't want to have a blow out with her but honestly it feels like it's inevitable, since tensions have been rising phenomenally lately.

I once asked my mother was she not happy to have raised a daughter that thought for herself rather than just do what other people tell her. Her answer was a very definite "No."

I think what they want is a daughter who can think for herself with other people but one that will be hers for ever and ever. Mine frequently trots out the "well I'd never have spoken to my mother like that" in such a faint woe is me tone of voice.
It will be hard to make that break and not fall back into the routine of doing what she wants when she wants but ultimately it will make your relationhip better. My Dad is a sweetheart and I love him to bits but he wants nothing more than a quiet life. While I was having the "back off and leave me along STOP suffocating me" saga with my mother, he couldn't understand why I wouldn't just give in and it would stop all the fighting and things could just go back to the way they were before. It also meant that he wouldn't have to listen to her giving out about me all of the time too.
I was upset at him for behaving in what I thought was a selfish way and so I invited him over for tea and a chat without her to discuss it all rationally. To be fair to him he did (but lied to her about where he was going) and he listened and understood where I was coming from. That made things quite a bit easier for me.
Ultimately moving out and striking out on your own will be difficult. Your mother will do the "leaving this lovely home we made for you", "how will we cope on our own", "we'll never see you", etc etc etc routine. You will have to take a deep breath and remind yourself that it is ok and it is normal to make a life for yourself, you are not a bad person or a bad daughter or being selfish for wanting this for yourself. All that said though, when the storm passes, it will have all been very much worth it.
If I were you I'd talk to your boyfriend about all of this. Don't exclude him, involve him in your life, the good bits and the difficult bits. You can make a plan for yourself, find a place that is affordable and somewhere you'd like to live. Sort out your lease and then tell your parents that you're moving out. That way, with a lease in your back pocket or at least a deposit handed over, they can't guilt you out of it no matter how much they try. Invite them to come over when you're all moved in and see how nice your new home is (they will probably try to pull it apart but tune it out) and go somewhere for coffee. The best part of this is that they will go home to their house and you will be able to go home to your own new place with peace and quiet.

Zen65

STIG83 wrote: »

I never get why parents ask that!!

I think there are three reasons for asking:

1. It establishes a socio-economic context for the bf/gf's family. This might seem unimportant, but it can help to settle fears about whether or not the two sets of parents would have common ground for communication. Frequently parents will hope for their son or daughter to marry someone from the same socio-economic circumstance they were reared in, as it suggests a greater chance of compatibility (between the parents).

2. It can be indicative (within a range) of the likely expectations the bf/gf will have. Thus for example a doctor's daughter is likely to have an expectation of being a professional, a janitor's son might be considered less likely to have this ambition (this isn't universally true, but in the absence of other information parents take it as a guide).

3. It can allay their fears that the son/daughter might become involved with a politician.


Op,

I'm a parent that would probably be considered quite protective of my children, especially my teenage daughter, so I think I have some idea of how your parents might be thinking. At 22, however, I'd be a little surprised if my daughter never showed an interest in having a bf, and I'd be delighted to see that she was mature enough to handle a relationship. I would be a little uncomfortable if she announced she was heading abroad on holiday with some guy she'd never introduced to her parents, so I strongly suggest you take your bf around and introduce him. Don't make a big deal of it, be as matter-of-fact as you can, and don't entertain any negative comments they make make about him afterwards. Let them get used to the idea for a while.

Once they have seen that you are comfortable being an adult they may change their approach to being over-protective of you. Ultimately the relationship between parent and child is created by both the parent and the child, and if you wish your relationship with them to be more adult then it is probably up to you to make the first move.

In the longer run, moving out is a good idea if you can afford it. Insofar as you can, try to plan your exit in a manner that sees you leaving on good terms. If you read these threads here on Boards you may get an idea of how many people end up needing their parents' help in later life, and for those who have left home on bad terms this is very difficult. Your posts suggest that your mother is the big issue; she may be hoping that you will remain around to help her (physically and emotionally) as she ages. In that context she may see the bf as a threat to her own comfort / security. Don't let her try to guilt you remaining in the home - in the longer term you will probably have a better relationship with each other if you move out. But stay calm and don't let her dictate how the discussion will go. If she behaves hysterically then disengage politely but firmly, and let her know that you would like to have an adult relationship with her, but that she must respect your choices for that to happen.

Good luck, and

Be at peace,

Z

curlzy

WOW, just wow. Well have say this thread has really made me appreciate my mother!!! She would never in a million years manipulate me or guilt me or clip my wings (and she's 60 like yours), if fact when I told her about my planned 2 month trip to America she offered me money so I wouldn't be short and would be able to see everything! To be honest with you it sounds like a good portion of the blame for them treating you like this is your own fault. They've learned how to wrap you round their little finger and turned you into a child/slave/prisoner, but the problem is that YOU haven't stopped them! They don't sound like very nice parents at all if they'd be happier with having you lonely and unfulfilled and killing yourself for their approval rather than out there living the best life you can. I'm depressed on your behalf to be honest. To be clear OP you need to grow up and grow a pair. They can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. While you're busy bending over backwards to please them and keep them happy you're missing your early 20s and adventures with your lover. I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship suffers because of this, if my bf caused me to miss out on New York because he was busy looking for approval from his parents he's be outta my life so fast his head would spin. Life is way too short to live for someone else's approval, for god's sake cop on before you've wasted any more of your youth. Do as others suggested and cut the apron strings and move out, if they don't like tough, they'll get over it. If things stay as they are you're going to end up lonely, unfulfilled and resentful but you'll have yourself to blame too.

Distorted

So whats the alternative OP? You continue to live in fear of upsetting your parents, lying to your boyfriend and not going on holiday? Where does that go in the long term? Do your parents want you to remain a spintster, living at home with them?

You've nothing to be concerned for your parents about. Compared to some of the things that families face (death, serious illness, trauma, etc) this is a non-issue. Suggesting you can't move out because to do so would mean you weren't concerned about your parents is taking things a tad too far.

Its your parents' duty to prepare you for living life independently as an adult. They are doing financially quite nicely out of you. I can see why they don't want you to move out, but its selfish of them, but its not as if your staying with them is dirt cheap. True in a shared apartment you would have shared bills as well, but the independence would be more than worth it. You might also feel more motivated once you move out, in your career and all sorts of things.

ongarboy

curlzy wrote: »

WOW, just wow. Well have say this thread has really made me appreciate my mother!!! She would never in a million years manipulate me or guilt me or clip my wings (and she's 60 like yours), if fact when I told her about my planned 2 month trip to America she offered me money so I wouldn't be short and would be able to see everything! To be honest with you it sounds like a good portion of the blame for them treating you like this is your own fault. They've learned how to wrap you round their little finger and turned you into a child/slave/prisoner, but the problem is that YOU haven't stopped them! They don't sound like very nice parents at all if they'd be happier with having you lonely and unfulfilled and killing yourself for their approval rather than out there living the best life you can. I'm depressed on your behalf to be honest. To be clear OP you need to grow up and grow a pair. They can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. While you're busy bending over backwards to please them and keep them happy you're missing your early 20s and adventures with your lover. I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship suffers because of this, if my bf caused me to miss out on New York because he was busy looking for approval from his parents he's be outta my life so fast his head would spin. Life is way too short to live for someone else's approval, for god's sake cop on before you've wasted any more of your youth. Do as others suggested and cut the apron strings and move out, if they don't like tough, they'll get over it. If things stay as they are you're going to end up lonely, unfulfilled and resentful but you'll have yourself to blame too.

I'd say that in fairness to OP's parents, they do not set out or plan to make her life miserable. I believe that their own priorities/fears/insecurities have unintentionally clouded some of their better judgements and actions on what is actually good for OP (or indeed themselves). I'm also blessed in that my folks encouraged me and my 5 siblings to fly the nest as soon as we were 18 and travel the world/live abroad for a while. They both emigrated at 18 due to economic necessity and returned to Ireland in the 1970s so perhaps their outlook on experiencing life/culture elsewhere was not as enclosed. We lived our lives our way in college and elsewhere and were not accountable to them nor were they aware what we were up to unless we chose to inform them, which was correct as we were legal adults (sure we made mistakes and had to grow up/cop on/suffer consequences of silly actions and are still doing so!!) but it is what has made us who we are today.

OP is 22 and is an adult in every legal sense so she is entitled to live her life without being dictated to by her parents or anyone else as long as she is not hurting/using them. Seeing a boyfriend or going on holiday with friends/partners of choice is not parental abuse even if the parents try to demonize you for doing so. Where is the line drawn? The clothes you wear, how you spend your disposable income, your political beliefs??

OP - please take note of what fellow posters have helpfully advised here and change this situation but without confrontation. I think Zen65's advice is fantastic. I'm in my mid thirties and am proud to say my mom and dad are two of my best friends and closest confidants and all my siblings feel the same way. I hope you can also have this relationship with your folks when you are older by taking actions today. Best of luck!

curlzy

ongarboy wrote: »

I'd say that in fairness to OP's parents, they do not set out or plan to make her life miserable. I believe that their own priorities/fears/insecurities have unintentionally clouded some of their better judgements and actions on what is actually good for OP (or indeed themselves).

Well in fairness, considering you know neither the OP or her parents, I don't think you can say the comment above with any kind of certainty, with hope maybe but definately not certainty. Not everyone has parents such as ours who are unselfish and giving. In fact some parents are worse than useless and are very selfish and damaging. The fact she can't mention a boyfriend at 22, or stay out in a boyfriend's house or go on holiday and is paying E100 rent and doing all the cleaning would suggest to me that they're not quite as altruisic as both our sets of parents seem to be.

tinkerbell

OP, first of all I noticed in one of your posts that you are expected to do all of the housework. That is completely unfair on you. There should be a sharing of housework. Your mother gives you a guilt trip on what would happen if you moved out, that no housework wouldn't be done. That's not your problem. You're not a housekeeper or a maid, if she wants someone to do her housework, then she should hire someone. Especially considering you are paying rent of €400 a month!!

Secondly, it is not disrespecting your parents that you tell them how it is and how it's gonna be from now on. You're 22. You are well capable of making your own decisions. Start standing up to them. It's ridiculous that they "won't allow you go on holiday" with your boyfriend. You shouldn't even be THINKING of what they think. You should just be like "I am going on holiday to NYC with my boyfriend", just TELL them. You do not ASK them.

I moved out of home when I was 18 to go to college. After I was finished college, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I remember telling my mom and she was a bit taken aback like with the whole "living in sin" thing. She didn't object but was kind of a bit like "should you not rent with your friends rather than with him". I said to her - I am moving in with him, I am not renting with friends or random people when I have no interest in it. And also, do you think we book separate hotel rooms when we go away on holiday?!

I wasn't mean about it - I just told her what my decision was, and that was it. And she accepted it, and there was never any problems. I can't actually remember what my dad made of the whole thing!

It's like a band aid - ya just gotta rip it off. Your parents will prob go mad when you initially tell them, but stand your ground. You're 22, well able to make your own decisions. And if they start quizzing you about the boyfriend, just don't offer them any information.

confusticated

Deleted User wrote: »

It would make them LOL in my face if that's your definition of 'good'. They don't take me very seriously.

They don't take you seriously but expect you to do all the housework? That's hardly fair.

I think you need to move out OP, like other people have said you're an adult and you need to make your own life. I understand you don't want to disrespect them but I think if you stay you'll end up resenting them for making you miss out on things (if this hasn't started already) and it'll be ten times harder to respect them then. Could any of your siblings stick up for you some bit? Especially a brother if you have one, since you said that they see the situation differently for a girl, having a brother behind you on this might help.

Oh, and introduce the bf, even just casually as a friend first if you have to. It's not fair on him either to keep him in the dark on the whole situation and he might be a lot of help!

Best of luck:)