Life outlook bleak due to father and farm

LegacyUser

HI,

Got some amjor problems at home.

I don't make friends easily and currently have no social life. Counsellors have told me that my outlook is due to me having partents who do not indulge in idle chitchat or socialise. This, they say, has rubbed off on me, making me likewise unable to communicate (chat, socialise) and keeps me in a shell.

I have very little confidence and self esteem. My father is a very dominant character in the house and rules full stop. I'm very meek around him - even though I am in my 30's. I feel that I need to get away from home and break away to release these shackles which are burdening me. However, I live on a farm and it is difficult for me to get away. I feel totally trapped by the land and my father - who cannot understand why anyone would not want to live where he does.

He never goes on holiday and has no interests outside of the farm. My mother is like me - meek and quiet.

Due to my current personality I have never had any gf and still not had sex. I feel as if I am missing out on some much in terms on emotional and physical contact with the fairer sex.

I sit in our house with my parents every weekend as I have no friends to go out with. I go to counselling but I'm not sure where it is leading me to.

I feel totally trapped by my father and the land. My life feels wasted already and the future bleak.

I've got a decent job, but due to my confidence issues I am scared to leave and try other jobs. I just feel totaly trapped.


Help!

Zen65

lonely farmer's son wrote: »

I feel totally trapped by my father and the land. My life feels wasted already and the future bleak.

Op,

It sounds like you have spent your life to date avoiding the inevitable, and if you continue to behave as you have then you can look forward to another 20+ years of this.

Changing your life might take less than a day, but you need to be sure that it's what you want. I would strongly suggest you leave the country and go out to work with some NGO to help in a developing country. Sign up to help with GOAL, or CONCERN, or some similar organisation. You need to be away from the farm so that you can find out who you are. If you stay in Ireland you will return to the farm and be unable to leave.

Your father may argue that you should not leave, but it's your life and if you truly want change then you must change.

Be at peace,,

Z

taram

I'm very sorry to hear that OP, had two friends at agricultural college who was in the same situation as you until they went to college. It seems to be quite common.

Could you perhaps join a local sports team? Or go to market more? Perhaps contact your local Macra branch and see if they have any meetups. On the gf front, there's internet dating perhaps? I don't know how near you are to a big town, but maybe there'd be something there you could get into, a hobby or part time course. I think a bit of space between your dad and you, even for a weekend once a month, would allow you to grow more as a person, to make your own path so to speak.

Alternatively, leave the farm for a while if that's even a remote option, I know there's always work to be done, and it falls on you to do it, but you could possibly dress it up as education or something? You could work on a different farm, perhaps in a different sector or county, or even country! Always ads in the Farmers Weekly in the UK for experienced people, you'd meet new people, hopefully gain some friends and confidence and new skills along the way.

LegacyUser

You sound like a decent, intelligent fella.

Sometimes you have to "take the bull by the horns" and make a choice. Maybe just move out so that you can be near to your farm duties but have space?

Join a group, beginners badminton, choir, walking club, gym classes, acting classes (great fun and builds confidence) whatever you like.

Try internet dating? You can be discreet and start "chatting" to girls at least. (po.com is great and it's free)

You have to broaden your horizons for your own sanity. Stick with counselling, if its not working, go to a different one.

The land will always be there, there's no point being 60 and alone with no friends and loads of green grass.

YOu can do this, one little step at a time.

Good luck x

tenchi-fan

You're right, your life IS being wasted.

If you have a decent job, start renting somewhere away from home.

Ignore the old lies like "rent is dead money, there's a perfectly good room at home." Rent will be the small price to pay for your independence. Spend half your income on renting a room if you need to.

Some self-help reading is good. books like "the power of positive thinking", although old-fashioned, can possibly help someone with your frame of mind.

Try to get involved with some charities or groups.

Denerick

OP. Book a flight to Australia/London/Canada, get drunk, meet new people and live your life. You obviously feel unfulfilled and trapped. I wouldn't recommend this to someone who is enjoying their life. I think you have lived a sheltered existance because this is all you know. You say you have a good job; I assume you have some savings tucked away. Use it or you'll hit 40 and you'll feel even more miserable.

letsbehonest

Sorry what job do you have? If you don't depend on a wage off your dad!
You should try and move out of home and rent a small house/apartment in a town near by. You might like to take an evening course in a subject such as business/computers/ a language or maybe something such as craft work/gardening or a sport. Your dad is controlling you and you just have to get out of there.

LegacyUser

OP here.
I've always been scared of him. In regards to moving away i have moved out for work, but due to my lack of social skills i have no friends and therefore come home at the weekend to work on farm and to get away from my accommodation.

My rented place is fine but the person i rent with concerns me as he takes drugs, mild but still. I am a sheltered person and not comfortable with that. I can't move out yet of the rented place as i have a contract there.

I would like to move abroad but only usa appeals and i can't see myself getting a visa. Not sure i'd like england. I am even too lacking in confidence to leave my job.

I work long hours at work just to be around people and out of the housr. I like fitness but got no other real interests.

I am not sure about dating sites as i am embarassed to put my photo online on such a site.

I do go on holidays, but alone as i have no friends. Incidentally, i was thinking of combining a holiday and volunteering for my next trip.

I'd have to recommend some travelling.. Nothing like jumping in at the deep end to shock you into being sociable. Three months away and you'll definitely come out of it the better.

Firetrap

I think you need to move out of home. It's not healthy to be living at home with your parents as an adult if it can be avoided. How about looking into sharing a house with some other people? Take a look on daft.ie or the local paper. I'm suggesting this because when I moved towns, I didn't know anybody and moving into a house with two others was a great thing. Not only did I become good friends with them but it opened up a whole new social circle. I got to know some of their friends and I also got invited along to a myriad of things that they were going to. Trust your gut instinct - I knew straight away with my housemates that we would get on like a house on fire whereas with others I viewed, I had a bad feeling.

irishh_bob

lonely farmer's son wrote: »

HI,

Got some amjor problems at home.

I don't make friends easily and currently have no social life. Counsellors have told me that my outlook is due to me having partents who do not indulge in idle chitchat or socialise. This, they say, has rubbed off on me, making me likewise unable to communicate (chat, socialise) and keeps me in a shell.

I have very little confidence and self esteem. My father is a very dominant character in the house and rules full stop. I'm very meek around him - even though I am in my 30's. I feel that I need to get away from home and break away to release these shackles which are burdening me. However, I live on a farm and it is difficult for me to get away. I feel totally trapped by the land and my father - who cannot understand why anyone would not want to live where he does.

He never goes on holiday and has no interests outside of the farm. My mother is like me - meek and quiet.

Due to my current personality I have never had any gf and still not had sex. I feel as if I am missing out on some much in terms on emotional and physical contact with the fairer sex.

I sit in our house with my parents every weekend as I have no friends to go out with. I go to counselling but I'm not sure where it is leading me to.

I feel totally trapped by my father and the land. My life feels wasted already and the future bleak.

I've got a decent job, but due to my confidence issues I am scared to leave and try other jobs. I just feel totaly trapped.


Help!

farmers ( while for the most part decent ) tend to be very conservative and selfish when it comes to the family farm and by extension , thier sons futures in relation to the farm , i grew up on a farm and my fathers attitude was one of , my sons were brought into this world to herd sheep and cattle or drive the tractor , everything else was pretty inconsequential , they tend to be quite narrow minded and short sighted in outlook , i reckon you are probabley not naturally suited to life on a farm and need to cut ties with your folks and make your own way in the world

feel the fear but do it anyway

mood

lonely farmer's son wrote: »

OP here.
I've always been scared of him. In regards to moving away i have moved out for work, but due to my lack of social skills i have no friends and therefore come home at the weekend to work on farm and to get away from my accommodation.

My rented place is fine but the person i rent with concerns me as he takes drugs, mild but still. I am a sheltered person and not comfortable with that. I can't move out yet of the rented place as i have a contract there.

I would like to move abroad but only usa appeals and i can't see myself getting a visa. Not sure i'd like england. I am even too lacking in confidence to leave my job.

I work long hours at work just to be around people and out of the housr. I like fitness but got no other real interests.

I am not sure about dating sites as i am embarassed to put my photo online on such a site.

I do go on holidays, but alone as i have no friends. Incidentally, i was thinking of combining a holiday and volunteering for my next trip.

OP just because you have a contract for the accommodation doesn't mean you can't find some where more suitable and then give your landlord a months notice and leave. People do it all the time. It's not a big deal. You might even make friends in a new house etc.

Internet dating would be a great idea. There is no need to be embarrassed. It's quite common now. I've done it and believe it or not everyone I meet through it were nice, normal people. And the people who see you on it are using the site as well so why be embarrassed! I have found paid sites better by the way. More genuine people there.

Look up sports clubs in your area or in the nearest large town. I know people who found a sport they now love in their 30s that has a big social aspect to it.

Could you take a career break to travel? Could you do courses through work?

mikemac

Grew up on a farm myself and farmers can be extremely conservative and at the same time very strong willed. But you could say anyone who wants to be self employed needs to be strong I suppose

On the plus side, you are working, rent a place and are young and fit.
When this contract ends head off traveling. I know some say it's almost a standard answer around here but a few months and staying in hostels will get you out of your shell.

If your housemate is doing drugs, I'd leave anyway. Sure who knows will he get himself in trouble a local scumbag and you'll have somebody banging on your door some day

LegacyUser

I do not work for my dad FT - I have another job. I'm going to start looking for another place at the end of the month maybe.

He is a typical farmer. He is trying to keep up with the other farmers by buying machinery and building property that we do not need or want.

I feel he is trying to tie me down by wanting to build a property on the land despite everyone in the family being totally opposed to it. It feels as if he just wants to build something. I know he will not look after it when it is built.

He is very jealous of others doing well and rarely says anything good about other people. This house is the last straw - I can't seem to convince him that it is a bad idea - he just wants to build a place.

Desperate!

Miss Fluff

lonely farmer's son wrote: »

I've got a decent job, but due to my confidence issues I am scared to leave and try other jobs. I just feel totaly trapped.

So you're not actually tied to the farm through work then?

If I were you I'd forget the counselling.

Arrange to take a sabbatical from your job (which you won't want to come back to anyway such will your personality have been transformed ) and go and buy an around the world ticket. It's no good sitting in a counsellor's room going around in circles about how trapped you feel. Go and actually do something drastic, lift your life up by its ankles and give it a damn good shake!

Life will only pass you by if you let it. You've been living in a terribly dull and lifeless cocoon (albeit a safe one) by your own choosing. Doing something scary but exciting will enrich you and give you the confidence you need to finally springboard you into improving it.

mood

OP I think it would be important to continue with the counselling.

Do you use facebook? It's a good way to reconnect with old school/college freinds and maybe start seeing them again. However, I feel meeting new people would be more beneficial.

LegacyUser

I've got some friends in USA who I'd love to go and live with, but I can't see myself getting a Visa to work there - even though I've got a good career (Chartered Engineer - s/w).

Even if I just got out there for a year or two it would be great for me.

letsbehonest

lonely farmer's son wrote: »

I've got some friends in USA who I'd love to go and live with, but I can't see myself getting a Visa to work there - even though I've got a good career (Chartered Engineer - s/w).

Even if I just got out there for a year or two it would be great for me.

Apply for the visa and see if you can get. You never know you might get it and you might go to the US for a year or two and come out of your shell there since your with your friends and your life might improve a lot. You may even meet someone there and settle down.

Miss Fluff

lonely farmer's son wrote: »

I can't see myself getting a Visa to work there.

You don't know until you try!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I could literally have written, word for word your original post, save for the fact I'm a bit younger. I was lucky enough to get away for a masters where I was semi-independent. I'd lived with my Da during Uni so didn't quite get the full student experience. I did notice that I was a bit hindered with the women but somehow managed a first date that was a disaster.
I think you're best bet is to leave, either for Dublin/Cork/Belfast depending on your location or even abroad as has been pointed out. You have a qualification so that should help.

I'd never even considered counselling. Did it help at all?

LightningBolt

You need to get away from staying in with the parents at the weekend.

You're in your 30's now, time to get out of your comfort zone no matter how hard it is and put yourself about. How you go about this is entirely up to yourself but to me it looks like you have two options based on what you've told us so far.

1) Volunteer with abroad with an NGO (being a chartered engineer I'm sure they'd bite your hand off)

2) Apply for a visa to the U.S or look for a job as an engineer over there. Getting a potential employer to assist with the application for your visa is a definite runner given your career.

You need to act now, you're at a stage in life where a lot of people are starting to settle down. Don't let this time pass you, be strong and leave the parents behind for the short term, do something that you have a passion for. You've spent the last 15 years of adult life constrained by your father from what you've said, don't let him dictate the next 15 either.

Good luck.

ongarboy

Hi OP, I think there are some great suggestions on this thread. If you feel at this moment it is too risky and too far outside your comfort zone to completely quit your job and up sticks, I suggest you try a 3 month sabbatical from work (if it's allowed) and go to Australia/New Zealand for a long holiday. By this I mean go on one of those group packages that means you are travelling with a fairly constant set of people (who start as strangers but become companions as you get to know eachother along the way - in many cases you may be sharing hostel accom with them and invariably all head out for dinner/drinks each evening at wherever you're overnight stop is - sometimes the camping parts of the trips were under the stars - awesome!). I think these holidays work better for solo travellers than groups of mates/pairs etc as you end up hitting it off with other solo travellers more so as they are more likely to strike up a conversation with fellow similar positioned travellers than with a bunch of mates

There are coach tours (Oz Experience etc)that cater for this and involve hikes/ multi day camping trips in the outback, mini (3 day) cruises along the barrier reef. When I did it in my mid 20s it mainly catered for 20-somethings but with a fair few 30+s too. There may well be companies that target older profiles if a bunch of young ones is not your scene. It is one of the periods of my life I look back on with most fondness. Apart from the beautiful sights, activities, new mates etc, it gave me time to reflect on and appreciate the good things in life and prevent me from settling for any old thing when I came back to Ireland and gives you a different perspective on things. Maybe something like this would remove the tolerance and acceptance you have on your current predicament and prompt you to make some important beneficial life changes when you come back. If you cannot do it for 3 months, even try it for 3-4 weeks. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

op here. I am back home on the farm now for st pat's. I nearly cried on way home. My life is such a mess.

I hate where i live for work - contract up soon, and i don't want to go home as i can't stand my dad at the minute.

I have no mates and feeling alone seeing everyone head out tonight for drinjs.

It was the first time in a few years now that i wondered if i would be better off dead.

I am desperate now to get some sort of a conclusion to this. My life feels so empty.

Ickle Magoo

We are not qualified to offer you appropriate advice if you are feeling suicidal, you must tell a qualified professional how you feel.

If you need to talk to someone in the meantime then you may find some useful contacts [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=70677479&postcount=3"]here[/URL].

All the very best
Ickle

mood

OP definitely talk to a professional asap if you feel suicidal.

Despite you lack of friends you have a lot going for you. You sound like a lovely guy (hard to come by trust me!). With your education and qualifications you will get a job else where. If your contract isn't been renew it's the perfect time to travel for a few months (you meet loads of people in hostels etc) then get a job in your profession (oz/canada/new zewland) for a couple of years.

Have you thought about any of the advice given so far?

OP also you are probably depress. You need to have this treated for anything to improve. Lots of people get depressed but get better with proper treatment.

Firetrap

OP you are in bits. Please go talk to someone. If nothing else, pick up the phone and ring The Samaritans 1850 60 90 90. It really does help to talk to someone who doesn't know you and will be able to give you objective advice.

Try to remember that all is not lost. You're still young, you've got qualifications, you sound like a lovely person and there is still a lot of things you can do. You can still make friends, have a girlfriend, build a life for yourself that's not on the farm. It is never too late.

LegacyUser

I'm seeing my counsellor again next week and I'm going to my doctor to ask about whether going back onto Prozac will help matters.

Even now at work I'm getting frustrated as I am in a new role and I am making an absolute meal of it. I just can't get it right - even though I should be able to.

We'll see what happens next week...

LegacyUser

Hi Ickle - your link does not work. I tried posting something previously about my plans. It has not been approved yet.

LFS.

Ickle Magoo

Hiya lfs,

Does the link work for you now?

Unregistered posts must be approved by a moderator and as moderators are volunteers, real life can get in the way and so there may be a time lag between posting unregistered and the post appearing on thread. :cool:

LegacyUser

Thanks Ickle - I'll be looking into them or whatever my doc recommends for me.

My dad is wanting to build me a house on the farm - for me and 'my family'. I said I have no gf and that it will be many many years before I relastically in a position to marry. He said I need to hurry up or I'll be like one of those old farmers who the cousins are waiting to die so they can get the land and money! It feel s as if I'm just intended to keep the family name going on the land.

It makes me feel pressurised and is not something I need or want. He means well and I understand his intent for the house, but I feel as if I'm being railroaded here and I can't seem to stop him.

I've looked into getting into USA but it would seem from the comments I've received that there is little or no chance of this due to the way the economy is over there. Few companies are willing to take on the expense of a foreign employee when there are many suitable candidates already in USA.

letsbehonest

Maybe you could apply for a j1 visa and see how the summer goes for you over there! Are you on facebook? You might be able to try and gain contact with people and you used know and you might meet them!

tenchi-fan

lfs wrote: »

Thanks Ickle - I'll be looking into them or whatever my doc recommends for me.

My dad is wanting to build me a house on the farm - for me and 'my family'.

Your dad means well, he wants to spend a lot of money on you by giving you lands and bricks and mortar. But he failed in his duty as father to give you the confidence and skills to really get on in life.

You've already acknowledged you're in a rut, and since your opening post you haven't done anything about it. Think up as many options as you can - a different career, college course, a different town, city, county or country.
And go do it!

On 16th April 2010 I was in the pub with a friend after a depressing week of work. We had a what-if style conversation. What if you had to live in another country for a year? I said "i'm not going to travel again. But if i had to, probably Canada. It didn't have a recession, it's not hard to get to but it's far enough from here, and they do a working holiday visa." After a few pints it was the best idea I had ever had.

So I registered online that Sunday, (it was free to register). You're online now... ireland.gc.ca if you want to give canada a go and you're under 36.

A short while later I had to pay the fee for the visa to register my place. I figured, a few hundred isn't a bad price to keep my options open.

Work continue to grate on me and Canada seemed like a no-brainer. I saved every penny I earned, quit work and I've been in Canada since last November (my original plan was January but I bought it forward!)

Now I've already applied for a second year visa. (my original plan was to "last" 6 months)

You said earlier in the thread that you would be better off dead. Believe it or not, there are less drastic options that can change your life. You have nothing to lose.

Maybe your dad will have that house built by the time you get back!

LegacyUser

I think I might have SAD as with the good weather this last few days I've noticed myself perking up a bit.

I need to start training up before I can consider moving to another job - that is what I'm looking at now.