Frightened and Ashamed by Encounter with Stranger

nermal15

This may seem a bit insignificant but it's really shaken me. Just so you know, I'm a 19 year old female.

Today as I was walking home on a busy street, a man stopped me to ask me where Dunnes was. He was foreign, not sure from where, about 35-40 years of age. He had good English and said he had only got to Dublin 2 days ago, on business. He seemed quite confused so I didn't mind giving him directions. Then he asked for suggestions of shops to go to, and I obliged. He introduced himself and continued to talk to me for a minute, before asking if we could move off the footpath out of the cold. I felt uncomfortable but I couldn't think on my feet, and just said ok.

Once we'd moved, he began to get a bit forward; asking me if I'd like he's coat, telling me I was pretty and asking if I would meet up with him over the weekend. I made my excuses and tried to get out of it, although he insisted several times. Once he seemed to accept that I wasn't going to spend any more time with him, he asked for a hug. So so stupidly, I just agreed and hugged him. That was fine but once I pulled away after a second, he moved his face into mine, as though to kiss me. I backed straight off, said no, shook his hand and left.

I'm so ashamed and terrified by what I did. Something much worse could have happened and I've felt incredibly uncomfortable and anxious since. I told my boyfriend and my sister about it, and it was only when I recounting the story that I realised just how stupid I had been. I was so caught off guard by the whole situation that I didn't act rationally at all. I feel worse every time I think about it.

wylo

im sure you've been told this already but theres no need to feel bad, you were polite, friendly and caught off guard and you corrected the situation exactly the way you should have as soon as you realised he was a creep.
I cant think of anything more you could have done.
You'll be laughing about this in a week id say. Lesson learned.

Once you sleep on it youll feel better, your just caught up and dwelling on the situation now.
Also you wouldnt have reacted as nicely on a quiet street. So you had every reason to feel safer and behave the way you did.

MissMiami

Sorry to hear that you're frightened now.

Maybe it wasn't the smartest idea you ever had but at least nothing serious happened. It's good that you told your boyfriend and sister because you did nothing wrong so you shouldn't act like it is some guilty secret. It is a bit strange that you hugged some random man you just met so I wouldn't recommend doing this in future.

Sorry I'm not very good at advice but I hope you're doing OK. You'll feel a lot better tomorrow and just be a bit more wary of men you don't know who ask you go to somewhere with them.

Take care xxx

Trooperboyo

Ah it's not really your fault, he was being a bit of a dirty bugger:Dtbh and you were just being nice.

LostinKildare

Aw, cut yourself some slack. You've nothing to be ashamed of -- you were just trying to be kind, and he caught you off guard. It happens.

No doubt your boyfriend and your family love how kind and trusting you are. Don't let some creep make you feel bad about yourself. Try and forget it. And plan to do something fun this weekend with people who love you.

Firetrap

The one thing I always find if something rattles me is that a night's sleep puts a whole different perspective on things. You'll feel a lot better in the morning

The fault lies entirely with this guy. He sounds like a creep and you were caught up in a situation which you understandably didn't know how to handle. I suspect a lot of people would have done more or less the same thing as you - most of us do try to be polite and do the right thing. Try not to think about it too much - you will have learned from it and in the unlikely event that you ever get cornered like that again, you'll be on your guard.

Abi

nermal15 wrote: »

This may seem a bit insignificant but it's really shaken me. Just so you know, I'm a 19 year old female.

Today as I was walking home on a busy street, a man stopped me to ask me where Dunnes was. He was foreign, not sure from where, about 35-40 years of age. He had good English and said he had only got to Dublin 2 days ago, on business. He seemed quite confused so I didn't mind giving him directions. Then he asked for suggestions of shops to go to, and I obliged. He introduced himself and continued to talk to me for a minute, before asking if we could move off the footpath out of the cold. I felt uncomfortable but I couldn't think on my feet, and just said ok.

Once we'd moved, he began to get a bit forward; asking me if I'd like he's coat, telling me I was pretty and asking if I would meet up with him over the weekend. I made my excuses and tried to get out of it, although he insisted several times. Once he seemed to accept that I wasn't going to spend any more time with him, he asked for a hug. So so stupidly, I just agreed and hugged him. That was fine but once I pulled away after a second, he moved his face into mine, as though to kiss me. I backed straight off, said no, shook his hand and left.

I'm so ashamed and terrified by what I did. Something much worse could have happened and I've felt incredibly uncomfortable and anxious since. I told my boyfriend and my sister about it, and it was only when I recounting the story that I realised just how stupid I had been. I was so caught off guard by the whole situation that I didn't act rationally at all. I feel worse every time I think about it.

Theres no way you could have known what he was going to do. You stopped to help someone out, and he took advantage of your kindness. I know you're a bit rattled by the whole thing, but as others have said just sleep on it. Take a positive from this, it's taught you something. Never, ever allow someone to take you aside like that, stay in full view where you have witnesses.

It will pass OP

Seraphina

Hi OP

I had a not very similar experience a couple of weeks ago, but the key issue was I was equally caught off guard and had some very irrational thoughts afterwards.

I was walking home from work (relevant because I wasn't wearing anything revealing) one night, and just as I got to my door, a guy passing me on the footpath grabbed my ass. Not just like, an accidental brush, but a very obvious, deliberate grab/squeeze. I was so shocked I just walked the couple of steps to my gate and started going up the stairs to my door. At the door, I turned around to look at him, just to make sure I hadn't imagined what happened, and muttered "fúcking prick" just loud enough for him to hear.

I honestly was in a daze for the first minute or two, then when it dawned on me what had happened, I felt fear and anger. Anger for seemingly 'taking it' when I had just been so shocked I hadn't reacted, and anger that someone had just sexually assaulted me in such a blasé way.

The fear however, was the worst. It was slightly different because where we had passed was right by my house, so he could obviously see where I lived. I had all kinds of horrible thoughts about him coming back to the house, waiting around outside to 'finish the job', being more aggressive next time, whatever. I don't know.

The point is, these are irrational thoughts. You can't spend your life wondering 'what if' and what might have been. Learn from this experience and be more cautious, but you cannot fear every one and every thing you come across, or your life will be miserable. I spent a couple of weeks looking over my shoulder and panicking a bit every time I reached my house and there was a stranger near by. It is no way to live. Trust yourself to learn from this and deal with the situation better next time, and DO NOT beat yourself up or blame yourself for this, it's that losers problem, not yours.

nermal15

Thanks everyone, I found all your responses really helpful. I think I'll feel a lot better once I sleep on it.

Faith

nermal15 wrote: »

Thanks everyone, I found all your responses really helpful. I think I'll feel a lot better once I sleep on it.

You will, definitely. I dwell on things like that awfully and I get very upset. But sleep makes everything better. You'll feel better in the morning, and in a couple of days, you won't even remember it.

I had a vaguely similar situation recently, but it a guy I knew that kissed me. I was drunk so I laughed about it at the time, but the next day I could have torn my skin off I was so put out by it. But after a good sleep, it stopped bothering me .

Sibylla

Sorry to hear about that OP, Unfortunately people take advantage of the kindness of strangers you have nothing to be ashamed of, He does.