Im at my wits end

flay

Hey im sorry i started a simular thread a while ago about being attracted to a girl Im friends with in college. She has a boyfriend and I know nothing will happen between us. Her boyfriend goes to the same college as us and he seems like a nice guy all the more reason I would never try anything.

Anyway Im close friends with the girl and im finding it hard to be friends with her anymore. Im putting myself through unnesecery heartache. first of all I tried to distance myself from her which didnt work as she didnt get the hint. The other day she told me she thinks about me a lot ect. To be honest at this stage shes really annoying me so I said how about we stop being friends. When I said this she started crying but agreed. The next day she texts me. How do I get her to leave me alone its really depressing me and im trying to move on from liking her but she wants to be a close freinds.

I dont sit near her anymore I dont go out when shes out but the odd time when were together she acts clingy (as a friend) what do I do?

flay

I would especially like advice from girls who had a friend that fancied them or guys who have been in my position!

Kimia

I think you're doing the right thing OP. You've obviously got respect for yourself and I think that you sound like a decent, well adjusted guy. Thank god you're not just hanging around like a pathetic lapdog like some guys do.

Does she know how you feel about her?

flowerchild

Just be friends. Or sit down with her and tell her how you feel and why, and what you want to have happen. Treat her with respect.

We are all different, but I think that hints are for children and christmas gifts. The reason is that what you see as a huge red traffic light message can just completely go over someone else's head. And if it's upsetting you because you care for her, then it's worth letting her go openly and carefully. Like an adult.

flay

Kimia wrote: »

I think you're doing the right thing OP. You've obviously got respect for yourself and I think that you sound like a decent, well adjusted guy. Thank god you're not just hanging around like a pathetic lapdog like some guys do.

Does she know how you feel about her?

Thanks kimia in my younger days I would have been less clued in about the situation now I just want to avoid any unnessacery hurt.

I think she might have a inkling that I like her thats why she mentioned that she said nothing was going to hapen while she had a boyfriend even though I mentioned nothing to her. she told me she loves me as a friend if she did she would understand that its hard for me to be friends.

flay

flowerchild wrote: »

Just be friends. Or sit down with her and tell her how you feel and why, and what you want to have happen. Treat her with respect.

We are all different, but I think that hints are for children and christmas gifts. The reason is that what you see as a huge red traffic light message can just completely go over someone else's head. And if it's upsetting you because you care for her, then it's worth letting her go openly and carefully. Like an adult.

I dont think anything will happen whle she has a boyfriend, I have treated her with respect bt hanging around with her expecting more to happen would not be treating me with respect. I have told her I would rather not be friends after which she started crying and then talked normally the next day as if nothing happened.

flay

flay wrote: »

I would especially like advice from girls who had a friend that fancied them or guys who have been in my position!

Haven't been in that position myself, no, but god I've seen it with my friends over and over again.

Boy likes girl, girl isn't interested in boy. Girl lets everyone know it's so unfortunate to be in that position because she really respects the friendship, even loves him as a friend. That everything would be so much easier if he didn't fancy her. Then boy tries to get over it like any healthy-minded individual would. And you would think that the girl who claims he is really important to her would be happy to have a tension free relationship with him. Any girl I've seen in this position doesn't like it. Gets clingy to the guy she claims to have no interest in, becomes upset for next to no reason, calls, texts, tries to get in the middle if he starts getting an interest in someone new. This seems to be a repeating pattern in these situations and I can only see one reason for it.

Unfortunately it's true: she doesn't have an interest in you as a boyfriend. But she does have an interest in you as an admirer. She wants attention. She wants to feel attractive, wanted, and have someone she can feel she has control over. She's not being a bitch or anything, she probably doesn't realise why she's feeling this way. But she feels threatened that you're moving on. On one occasion I saw, the girl actually got together with the guy because he was getting close to another girl, and then the next day she acted like nothing had happened. I'd stay well clear from her if I were you. Things can only escalate from here if you don't stick with your plan to stay away.

flowerchild

I am honestly confused. What is wrong with frienships with the opposite gender, regardless of how you feel about the other person? Who says that there should be an immediate link between sexual attraction and action? What happened to simply saying 'it's never going to happen, and that's OK'.

I just don't get it.

Sonics2k

flowerchild wrote: »

I am honestly confused. What is wrong with frienships with the opposite gender, regardless of how you feel about the other person? Who says that there should be an immediate link between sexual attraction and action? What happened to simply saying 'it's never going to happen, and that's OK'.

I just don't get it.

Clearly you've never been in a situation like the OP.

One of the worst possible feelings in the world is the knowledge that you have fallen for someone, who as much as they like you, will never return the same feelings to you.

OP, I dealt with something similar some years ago. What I did was distance myself from her, talk to her less until we became more "friend of a friend" than anything else. After a surprisingly small amount of time I found I did not have the same feelings for her, and we are now friends again, we hang out quite often and we occasionally make jokes about the awkward stage we had.

flay

true-or-false wrote: »

Haven't been in that position myself, no, but god I've seen it with my friends over and over again.

Boy likes girl, girl isn't interested in boy. Girl lets everyone know it's so unfortunate to be in that position because she really respects the friendship, even loves him as a friend. That everything would be so much easier if he didn't fancy her. Then boy tries to get over it like any healthy-minded individual would. And you would think that the girl who claims he is really important to her would be happy to have a tension free relationship with him. Any girl I've seen in this position doesn't like it. Gets clingy to the guy she claims to have no interest in, becomes upset for next to no reason, calls, texts, tries to get in the middle if he starts getting an interest in someone new. This seems to be a repeating pattern in these situations and I can only see one reason for it.

Unfortunately it's true: she doesn't have an interest in you as a boyfriend. But she does have an interest in you as an admirer. She wants attention. She wants to feel attractive, wanted, and have someone she can feel she has control over. She's not being a bitch or anything, she probably doesn't realise why she's feeling this way. But she feels threatened that you're moving on. On one occasion I saw, the girl actually got together with the guy because he was getting close to another girl, and then the next day she acted like nothing had happened. I'd stay well clear from her if I were you. Things can only escalate from here if you don't stick with your plan to stay away.

thanks i get and agree with all your saying. im trying to distance myself from her were all going out tonight and ill hang around with another group.

flay

flowerchild wrote: »

I am honestly confused. What is wrong with frienships with the opposite gender, regardless of how you feel about the other person? Who says that there should be an immediate link between sexual attraction and action? What happened to simply saying 'it's never going to happen, and that's OK'.

I just don't get it.

I have plenty of friends of the oppisite gender and this is the only girl i feel i have to distance myself from i talked to my other female friends about it and they agree. this friendship is causing grief for both me and her. Sure sexual attraction is fine but its starting to develop into a crush. You cant tell me that if you fancied a friend who said were never going to get together you wouldnt want a bit of distance from him at least temporarly.

flay

Sonics2k wrote: »

Clearly you've never been in a situation like the OP.

One of the worst possible feelings in the world is the knowledge that you have fallen for someone, who as much as they like you, will never return the same feelings to you.

OP, I dealt with something similar some years ago. What I did was distance myself from her, talk to her less until we became more "friend of a friend" than anything else. After a surprisingly small amount of time I found I did not have the same feelings for her, and we are now friends again, we hang out quite often and we occasionally make jokes about the awkward stage we had.

thanks thats making me optimistic about the situation maybe we can be friends again but not at the moment.

flay

just to update on the situation, she actually dumped her boyfriend the other day and asked me out, i think i woud rather giver her time to think. I hope her boyfriend wasnt dumped on my behalf.

Sonics2k

flay wrote: »

just to update on the situation, she actually dumped her boyfriend the other day and asked me out, i think i woud rather giver her time to think. I hope her boyfriend wasnt dumped on my behalf.

Probably for the best, but I wouldn't turn down any casual dates.

If you or she rushes things, it may end up as a rebound.
However a few casual nights out together could go very well for you.

Either way, good to hear the news OP :cool:

flay

Sonics2k wrote: »

Probably for the best, but I wouldn't turn down any casual dates.

If you or she rushes things, it may end up as a rebound.
However a few casual nights out together could go very well for you.

Either way, good to hear the news OP :cool:

thanks sonics i intend to take it slow :~)