Psychological Abuse

syna7x

I really just don't know what i can do anymore. For my whole life I have tried to do the best for myself, to be a good student, to be successful in everything that I do. And my family just act as though they are completely ashamed of me. I have no idea why.
My sister, who is two years older has failed the leaving cert and has no chance of ever getting into college, even if she wanted to. She is on all kinds of drugs, stays out for days straight without coming home, brings home various boys who she cheats on her boyfriend with, and yet gets away with what ever she wants. My parents just give her money to basically fund her addictions and just act as though they worship her. I just don't understand what I did wrong for them to love her so much and yet hate me.
I told my family about 2 years ago that i am suffering from depression and although they agreed to pay for psychotherapy, it was obvious that this was only in an attempt to please my interfering school, as after a few weeks they refused to continue paying for it. They act like I'm just a crazy hormonal teenager, and won't accept the fact that it might be more than just that. They tell me all the time how ashamed they are of me, how i'm such a horrible person and i just dont understand it. I know that i get angry and upset sometimes but they just wont accept the fact that i need their support.
I dont want to hate my parents but they just dont care. I know that i will never be able to get along with my father as he has some major emotional and especially anger issues that he refuses to admit to or deal with, and i just hate the fact that he thinks he can take it out on the family. My sister doesnt even care about anything, but i'm not like that, the psychological abuse really gets into my head so now i really cant even tell if i am a horrible, worthless person who does not deserve to live, or if thats just him telling me this to make himself feel better.
My biggest fear is that i will pass on my problem to my own children in the future, so i really want to sort it out before it gets any worse. My parents have even told me that they hope i never have children, in case they turn out as horrible as me. I just dont see how it is necessary to say things like this, as I would never say that to my own children. Now i feel afraid to even have children in case he's right, maybe i am just an awful, disgusting person.
I can feel myself going crazy every day i'm stuck here but i know i cant get out until i finish school. I will be doing the leaving cert in 2012 and after that i can leave, but i dont want to just leave on bad terms. I know i will not want to remain living in this country after i leave school, but i dont just want to leave and never see my parents again, so that even when i have children they will never even know their grandparents. I just dont know how to feel about myself, I have absolutely no self esteem or self confidence and i cant help feeling that maybe if i went crazy and did loads of drugs like my sister then maybe i'd be getting somewhere in life, as obviously being nice has gotten me nowhere.
I just want to be happy, but it seems like my family want to go out of their way to prevent this from happening. Sometimes i just get so angry, absolutely nothing can calm me down, and its always over the same stupid abusive comments that i cant ignore. I try to talk to my boyfriend about this but it is hard for him to deal with as we talk and he makes me feel better, but the next week i still go crazy over the same thing.
I just really want to sort this out before it gets too late, for myself, my boyfriend, and the future. I think that as soon as i move out i will instantly be happy but i am so afraid that i will carry these problems with me throughout my life, i just really need to sort them out.
My sister will finally be moving out next week, as my parents say they want her to become independent and self sufficient. However, i think this is absolutely stupid as they will pay for her rent and probably drive around to her apartment to wake her up and drive her to work every morning. I feel that i have proven to be more mature and responsible than she is, and yet they will give her anything she wants and they just hate me. I hate to admit it, but i am completetely jealous of her. Her life is so simple she has absolutely nothing to care about, so therefore, she is happy.
i know that everything will be handed to her for her whole life and there is nothing i can do about it. But I need to sort out my situation with my parents before it gets worse. I just feel so horrible and i hate feeling like this. They seem so disappointed and embarrassed and I dont want to turn out to be a horrible parent like that. I know i have to wait another year before i can move out, but anything i can do in the meantime that would stop me going absolutely insane would be a huge help.

Odysseus

I'm going to move your post to PI, I think you will get some better responses there as we cannot deal with individual cases or give advise. I hope the situation does get better for you OP.

Distorted

It seems to be a sad fact of life that sometimes those who have the most problems and cause the most disruption get the most help and support.

So your parents have produced one child who is a drug addict and one child who is so upset by her environment that her school recommended she needed psychological counselling? That would indicate they are not very good at being parents. Its not unlikely that the way you feel is an entirely reasonable response to their behaviour. The sort of things your father says are appalling and very damaging, if you believe them (anyone can see they are utter nonsense).

Just a thought - maybe they are so supportive of your sister because they like the fact that she doesn't outshine them and show up their own deficiencies?

I think you have hit on the best solution anyway. Stick in to get your leaving certificate (don't let them affect your future) and then get away from them. Going abroad is not a bad idea. Once you are surrounded by lots of normal, well adjusted people and are in control of your own life you will probably have a great time. Yes, its something that might affect your self confidence in the future, but recognising it is a very progressive step.

I would be tempted to tell your parents before you move that they are being totally unfair in helping your sister so much and making those comments. It could be cathartic. I think you will just have to learn not to expect anything from your parents and make your own way in life. In 5 years time, you will probably be totally independent, surrounded by great people and living a good life, whereas your sister will probably be in worse trouble than before. I think in the meantime you are going to have to selfish - put yourself first and don't worry about your parents or children that you don't have yet. (would you really want your children to spend time with grandparents who might say awful things to them?)

syna7x

thank you Odysseus

syna7x

You are completely right @Distorted, it really is the people who do nothing for themsleves, who dont care about anyone, that get all the help, even when they dont deserve it.
I would agree that they are not very good parents. Although they admittedly give me some freedom, and don't restrict me from doing most things, they are completely inconsistent and this instability really bothers me, as i never know where I stand with them. I try to just not let what what they say get to me, but it really does. Sometimes I can convince myself that these are just stupid meaningless comments, and they are just trying to get into my head, but the more i hear these comments, the more I begin to believe them. I just can't understand why people would say these things to their children, why my parents would tell me how horrible I am, unless they meant it. I can't see how they could justify saying these things unless thee was something behind them but honestly, I don't think I'm a horrible person. I think sometimes I just get so angry because of the things they say, but I can control my anger. I think their constant abuse making me angry, does not qualify them to say that I am such a horrible person, but I must be otherwise they would not say it all the time :S
I suppose you may be right, they know she will never amount to anything in life, so they have no fear that she might become better than them, and maybe they are afraid that if they support me, that I will achieve more than they ever could. But I think it is so sad, that parents would be so jealous of their child. Is it really so wrong for me to have ambition?=/
I really am afraid that this will be something I will never be able to let go. I know it's good that I can address it as a problem even at this early stage in my life, but I don't really see how i can forget about it. I can only hope I will be able to let it go when i eventually leave school, and this house.
I have tried to say it to my parents, but they think I am just being jealous and immature. But i cant help being jeaous when everything is just handed to her, it just seems so unfair =S
I now feel that I just shouldnt expect much from anyone, and definately not expect anyone to care. I wish I could just get over this. =/
But i will definately take what you have said into account, thank you so much for your help