My Mom tells strangers my personal business

LegacyUser

Hiya - going unreg for this and just have to get this down somewhere -

My Mother is the head of my family -controlling, overbearing and generally spoilt. She has a tendancy to overreact to any criticism and constantly talks about this awful depression she is suffering.
She is also an alcoholic, she binge drinks and in between the drinking she is emotionally everywhere but it's mostly her bullying her way into control over my dad and us. She's been off the drink now for maybe, I think, but I can never really be sure, 2 months.

That's all fine - she's been like that for some 10 - 15 years and I distance myself from her as much as possible. This is easy peasy to do when she's drinking but near impossible when she's sober as she constantly calls or finds excuses for me to have to meet her for some reason or other.

Now, I can't tell her to eff off when she's like this as she's trying to stay sober and my dad is thrilled and life is semi good again and I really don't want to give her an excuse to go back to drinking. We (my siblings and I) have made a kind of pact to hold our tongues during this "sober" period and keep the peace for dads sake.

But and this is a big BUT - I have recently started to notice that she keeps making comments to me about things that I did in my life - by things I mean, where I went to college, when I went travelling after, what work choices I made, boyfriends I had etc etc and she sort of twists them so that I come off as a really awful person......no matter what I achieved or choices I made, I always, in her version of events, seem to have caused her some sort of hardship or generally acted like an a**hole.

I'm a really boring person in reality, I never drank to excess, never tried drugs, I travelled the world, went to college, got a qualification, never brought a garda to the door for any reason, I own my own home and car, never asked for money, am happily married and have yet to start having kids. I never thought that I caused her hardship or distress...

This really hit me today - I need some work done on the house and she found someone to do the work for me. She insisted on being there when he came to see the damage today.
I had never met this guy before and neither had she - but she ended up telling him really intimate details about a relationship I had before I met my now husband, She went on to tell him about when I broke up with him and how he called constantly crying and his parents called and that it was a nightmare for her! Then she announced "She (me) was so cold, it must be from her fathers side, she felt nothing at all!" She got a few more digs in after that but I don't want to get too much into it but it was very inappropriate!

First of all, I felt a hell of a lot of pain breaking up with him - how could she possibly know how I felt?! Second, she told a COMPLETE stranger all this as if it was the most natural thing in the world! She's done alot of this in the past and I believed her and never questioned her behaviour before but, I don't know, maybe because I've kept my distance from her for a good while now that I'm noticing it more now and I realise it's totally not on.

I have no idea how to even approach this situation without it turning very bad very quick!


Sorry for super long post..... needed to rant a bit!

LegacyUser

I could have written your post word by word!

I actually posted a thread here a few weeks back about my mum and her behaviour and each and every person who I spoke to had said she sounds very unhappy with herself and It really does sound as though your mother is jealous of the life you made for yourself too.

Keep her at arms length, she really wants you to feel her pain too and the more you let her wind you up and upset you by her behaviour the more she will do it. She can't be trusted at all.

Sorry you have a mother like that too.

SlimCi

First of all my mother was an alcoholic too and she died in 2007 however she wasn't exactly like your Mum. My Mum was great at guilt......but she eventually did get off the drink and when she was sick before she died we finally did get to talk. She was the one who felt guilty for not being sober for me when I was growing up and needed her. Alcoholism is a difficult disease and disease it is....and it often goes hand in hand with depression. I think it might be advisable for you and your siblings and Dad to take a trip to AlAnon for family of alcoholics, it may put things in a better perspective for you and help you to better deal with you Mum and the stuff she does. For the record since my Mum has died I am glad we had resolved all our stuff. I miss her every day and have some very good memories of her when she wasn't drinking and I have great childhood memories and never wanted for anything.

tinkerbell

wanttoscream wrote: »

This really hit me today - I need some work done on the house and she found someone to do the work for me. She insisted on being there when he came to see the damage today.

First of all, it's your house - why did you let her insist that she be there?

Secondly, why didn't you tell her to stop talking about your personal business, that it was not appropriate? I would not hold my tongue if I were you. Just because she's trying to be sober doesn't mean she can just bad-mouth you as much as she likes.

Overheal

Now, I can't tell her to eff off when she's like this as she's trying to stay sober and my dad is thrilled and life is semi good again and I really don't want to give her an excuse to go back to drinking.

So what. That's Emotional Blackmail.

Your mother is an alchoholic OP: She like so many other's have made it a second nature to blame everyone but themselves. It won't matter what you do or say, they find some way to make it about you:

where I went to college, when I went travelling after, what work choices I made, boyfriends I had etc etc and she sort of twists them so that I come off as a really awful person......no matter what I achieved or choices I made, I always, in her version of events, seem to have caused her some sort of hardship or generally acted like an a**hole.

Don't know what to tell you besides stay the course. If she wants to go down, blaming you the entire way, thats her problem. Not yours. It's not your fault.

musicinyou

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LegacyUser

cheesecakevanilla wrote: »

I could have written your post word by word!

I actually posted a thread here a few weeks back about my mum and her behaviour and each and every person who I spoke to had said she sounds very unhappy with herself and It really does sound as though your mother is jealous of the life you made for yourself too.

Keep her at arms length, she really wants you to feel her pain too and the more you let her wind you up and upset you by her behaviour the more she will do it. She can't be trusted at all.

Sorry you have a mother like that too.

Thank you for yr very considerate reply - I feel both sad that you have to deal with this too and comforted that you understand what I'm going through. I do think she is unhappy with her life, she didn't have a hard life or anything but I believe she's bored with her life.
She, to me, seems torn between wanting me to copy her life, to wanting all of us to copy what she thinks a family should be like- television family style, to wanting us all to be super successful so she can brag to the neighbours. I couldn't keep up with her - she changes her mind daily! Keeping her away is the best way to deal with her but as I said, when she's sober, it's a very different story and as always, my poor dad will feel the brunt of any upset I cause.


@Slimci I do regularly meet with Alanon and am in regular email contact with the samaritans - just for my own mental health really (and I do understand that alot of her behaviour is directly linked to her drinking) but this is behaviour that she stopped years ago and now seems to be renewing. It's very embarrassing - this stranger now knows personal details of my love life. What else is she telling people when I'm not there? I don't feel like I'm at a point where I can renew my relationship, I also don't feel my mother is finished with drinking...I don't have many happy memories with her but she is my mom and on a level I love her and want to be loved....but we're not there yet. I hope someday I get to have what you had with yr mom, it's a really lovely thing that you both worked it out before it was too late. My condolences SlimCi.


@Tinkerbell She had the guy meet her at her house or else he was working nearby, I'm not sure which and he followed her in his van and her in her car to my house.
I was taken aback by her behaviour and I had no idea whatsoever what to do about it - I was too embarrassed to make a scene in front of the stranger and I wasn't too sure how it was going to go down if I actually said anything. I lost my nerve really, truth be told.

@overheal Thanks for reply - I'll try not to let her get to me.


@musicinyou hahaha lovely!

tinkerbell

OP, I think the next time she makes inappropriate comments, etc. - call her out on it. Tell her it is not acceptable and to just stop bringing up the past. You are happily married and what's in the past is not relevant. And it is not her place to tell people your business.

I wouldn't let her away with just being horrible to you. It's just letting her think it's ok to do so. Ya gotta be strong OP. Hope it works out.

Big Bag of Chips

wanttoscream wrote: »

Now, I can't tell her to eff off when she's like this as she's trying to stay sober and my dad is thrilled and life is semi good again and I really don't want to give her an excuse to go back to drinking. We (my siblings and I) have made a kind of pact to hold our tongues during this "sober" period and keep the peace for dads sake.

Her drinking is not your (or your sibling's/dad's) fault.

I agree with SlimCi.. You should find your nearest AlAnon meeting and go.. it will allow you to let go of any guilt / responsibility you feel.

Sibylla

I have relatives like this, It's very intrusive to share your business with strangers, You should tell her firmly that you're disgusted by this.

SlimCi

Best thing is to keep your distance from her and let her know that her behaviour isn't acceptable, and she won't be welcome in your home if she continues in that vein.

You have to accept her for what she is and the best thing from now on might be to not let her know any more of your personal business and if she asks why, tell her....and let it go. Believe me its hurting you more than it is her.....:cool:

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, I think the next time she makes inappropriate comments, etc. - call her out on it. Tell her it is not acceptable and to just stop bringing up the past. You are happily married and what's in the past is not relevant. And it is not her place to tell people your business.

I wouldn't let her away with just being horrible to you. It's just letting her think it's ok to do so. Ya gotta be strong OP. Hope it works out.

I know I do, I'm just not looking forward to what happens after I say it - she's going to have a major strop and I mean MAJOR. She's not at all reasonable and I've never really been able to approach her about anything.
I'm working up the nerve..... I think I'll go face some man eating tigers to warm up

Thanks for the advice though - at least I have the wording for it.

LegacyUser

wanttoscream wrote: »

I know I do, I'm just not looking forward to what happens after I say it - she's going to have a major strop and I mean MAJOR. She's not at all reasonable and I've never really been able to approach her about anything.
I'm working up the nerve..... I think I'll go face some man eating tigers to warm up

Thanks for the advice though - at least I have the wording for it.

You obviously know your mum, this is what my mum would do if I confronted her about her behaviour. I never got the truth and i'm fine with that, my idea of how her mind works is probably right and I hope that if she does throw a big strop and you don't get clarification then it's ok to come to your own conclusion and act on that.

She is going to love your reaction btw so be prepared not to lose control altogether, keep composure and hopefully you will leave her having a good think about herself. Sometimes it will work a small bit but for the majority as she's got away with it for so long then this is her and you will either have to accept it or walk away.. be prepared.