Feel like i'm becoming jekyll and hyde

LegacyUser

My oh and i are very much in love, but we have lots and lots of little problems. He never speaks about the problems he has with me just makes faces all the time and sulks, when ever i say to him i can see you're annoyed lets talk, he will just say i'm fine and keep saying he's fine until i give up. Whenever i have tried talking to him i can see him switch off. I try to explain why things annoy me in so many ways but he doesn't listen. I don't know if he's too lazy to listen or change or if he just doesn't care about my feelings. The problems are mainly small ones, there is nothing big enough to make me question the relationship but they're driving me demented, and that i get no response from him is really driving me to flip out stage.

As an example one of our issues is he will change plans we've made without twelling me, and i could literally find out with friends turning up on our doorstep for dinner, i might not be looking well or could even be in a shower or anything, there might be no food or the house could be in a state, it doesn't matter to him. When i'm put in these situations i feel mortified, i get upset at him later on and he just says hmm and goes to the computer or tv. I see he's not giving me the time of time and it makes me feel worthless.

I can give more examples if needed but i feel like i'm getting to a stage with feeling unhappy and angry where i won't recognise myself so any advice would be welcome. Thanks

LegacyUser

any advice?

Kimia

Hi Op. I don't understand why he won't listen to you either, how frustrating!

Have you tried to say to him, very seriously 'We need to talk'. And does he know that you're serious about this? If you just give up I can see how he'll just hope that you'll leave him alone after a few tries, but if you are consistent maybe he'll understand how important it is to be able to communicate with each other.

My bf was the exact same, still is to a certain degree. I absolutely hate when they say they are 'fine' when they are clearly not fine. It kills me because I'm totally open and will say if I'm annoyed about something or not. It's kind of passive agressive too, he's punishing you with his silence which is very manipulative.

If he won't sit down and discuss this with you though it's a huge sign of disrespect. I don't see how the relationship can continue long term if you never discuss problems, it'll boil over and god knows what the result will be. If he respects you he should talk to you about this, and listen to your concerns.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Hi Op. I don't understand why he won't listen to you either, how frustrating!

Have you tried to say to him, very seriously 'We need to talk'. And does he know that you're serious about this? If you just give up I can see how he'll just hope that you'll leave him alone after a few tries, but if you are consistent maybe he'll understand how important it is to be able to communicate with each other.

My bf was the exact same, still is to a certain degree. I absolutely hate when they say they are 'fine' when they are clearly not fine. It kills me because I'm totally open and will say if I'm annoyed about something or not. It's kind of passive agressive too, he's punishing you with his silence which is very manipulative.

If he won't sit down and discuss this with you though it's a huge sign of disrespect. I don't see how the relationship can continue long term if you never discuss problems, it'll boil over and god knows what the result will be. If he respects you he should talk to you about this, and listen to your concerns.

Thank you for your replies, the stuff that drives me mad is just things that are a lack of consideration in my book. He completely switches off when i'm talking to him about these things and i feel like i'm just being a nag. But surely the type of thing that i'm asking for isn't a normal 'nag' thing? He constantly makes plans for the both of us or changes our plans without ever telling me. Yesterday we were supposed to go on a drive and a walk at the beach. I was in runners and jeans and had hair in ponytail, no make up. As we're leaving he says to me-are you not wearing a dress?

I asked why, and he replied that he's taking me to a fancy restaurant and his friends might be there. As we'd spoken about this kind of thing just the night before i got mad and asked him why on earth had he changed our plans and not told me or consulted with me again. I had planned my day around an hour long walk not a three hour fancy dinner with his friends in another county. He just walked away from me and rang them cancelling. This really annoyed me as well because i felt like instead of talking about it he just threw his toys out of the pram. He came back saying there its cancelled so we'll just go on your way, and he sulked the rest of the afternoon, so what should have been nice time together, was not at all. I also feel this embarrases me in front of his friends who i don't know very well.

One evening we were supposed to meet up in town at 7, he didn't turn up and i received no response to texts or calls. He rangme at 10.30 saying he dropped into a friends and got dragged in for tea, he couldn't use his phone ashe was in company and would be there in half an hour. I told him not to bother and he gave out to me for sulking. I do know he feels his parents nag him a lot and he shuts down and nods his head just to get it over and done with. I know he is doing the same with me but i've no idea how to get through to him?

Kimia

To be honest Op, why would you want to get through to him. He sounds terrible! How dare he stand you up in town and then have the audacity to get annoyed with you when you rightfully gave out to him. What a dick!

If you're asking me whether you're being unreasonable or not, clearly because he's been manipulating you into thinking you're always in the wrong, well then I have to say you are a very patient girlfriend. I would have murdered him long ago. How long are you with him?

It's not just lack of consideration, he's treating you with no respect and yes he is making a fool out of you. He's using you as a punching bag where you cannot win - how were you possibly going to come out looking ok when he first didn't tell you about the dinner and then when he cancelled his friends like that. There was no way you could come out of it unscathed because he had set you up to take a fall. The reason he did this is probably because he was annoyed about something and wanted to take it out on you. It's classic passive aggression.

He sounds very messed up tbh. Have you tried to have a serious talk with him? These are very serious concerns - I couldn't live like that - you are constantly on eggshells around him wondering if you are a nag and never knowing which way is up or down with him. How exhausting!

flowerchild

It sounds unsettling.

I have two perspectives. First, what result do you want? For example, do you want the dynamic between you to change? Or do you just want to learn how to cope better with his behaviour? What are you prepared to risk? You have to sort this out at the beginning or your options and strategies will be clouded.

Personally I would intervene quickly and directly, even if it risked the relationship, because it doesn't sound like much chop now.

Sit down and talk through what is happening from your point of view. Use 'I' language and examples. Be courteous and calm.

Then ask what is happening from his point of view. Do not interrupt even if what he says is from lala land from your point of view.

Discuss what would work for both of you, including options for you to just walk away on an individual day or walk away all together.

My mother would always say, 'remember who you are and what you are worth'. And my husband says 'never forget that you are a prize'. How we think of ourselves affects our negotiating stance and the ultimate outcomes we achieve.

Think about who you are and what you are worth. Then talk with him.

spinandscribble

unsure about it all wrote: »

My oh and i are very much in love, but we have lots and lots of little problems. He never speaks about the problems he has with me just makes faces all the time and sulks, when ever i say to him i can see you're annoyed lets talk, he will just say i'm fine and keep saying he's fine until i give up. Whenever i have tried talking to him i can see him switch off. I try to explain why things annoy me in so many ways but he doesn't listen. I don't know if he's too lazy to listen or change or if he just doesn't care about my feelings. The problems are mainly small ones, there is nothing big enough to make me question the relationship but they're driving me demented, and that i get no response from him is really driving me to flip out stage.

As an example one of our issues is he will change plans we've made without twelling me, and i could literally find out with friends turning up on our doorstep for dinner, i might not be looking well or could even be in a shower or anything, there might be no food or the house could be in a state, it doesn't matter to him. When i'm put in these situations i feel mortified, i get upset at him later on and he just says hmm and goes to the computer or tv. I see he's not giving me the time of time and it makes me feel worthless.

I can give more examples if needed but i feel like i'm getting to a stage with feeling unhappy and angry where i won't recognise myself so any advice would be welcome. Thanks

He puts his friends and himself first.

Ask yourself this. If he was suppose to meet a lad in town would he leave him 4 hours waiting by himself for you?

Its not even about who comes first its the fact you're not being treated with a ounce of respect. He thinks he can get away with this because he thinks you'll never leave him.

ladygirl

OP I had a similar relationship to this, anytime we had a problem I would want to talk it out and see what we could do to change things, however he would completely shut down as your boyfriend does,

Also ive experienced being put second to friends, and like you are saying I would be walking on eggshells around him and being honest my it got to a stage where my head was completely "wrecked"..

I decided to end the relationship as he acted completely disrespectful to me one night whilst at a gathering with friends, and for the first time in almost 4 years - I was the one who shut down.. (turned off phone for 3 days - something Ive never done in my life), seeing as this was something completely out of the ordinary for me to do he came to me and then HE was the one who wanted to talk and sort things out!!!!!!

Deep down I was delighted as I though this could be the turning point for us and we decided to give the r/ship another try (he even promised to finally put me before his friends).. Went very well at first but then he drifted back into his old ways..

Im an extreemely open person and I can see now that we were just not meant to be together. He just wanted to sweep all his problems under the carpet as if they didnt exist.. If I cant discuss a problem and talk through it then I really dont see how you can ever get passes it..

He is being very disrespectful towards you and unless he can change his ways I dont feel that your relationship will last.

Best of luck op

neuro-praxis

I felt really angry reading this. I would leave him at once, as talking to him obviously achieves nothing! What a hateful git.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for replies. I'm quite surprised by the views here, as i felt it wasn't really a huge problem but i felt it was driving me mad and wanted to get over it.

So i think i'm going to show him this thread and see what happens and take a few days to think it over after we talk.

Thanks again

Jack B. Badd

Good idea. He really does need a kick up the backside over his lack of consideration for you & refusal to communicate. He's acting like an absolute child & for the life of me I don't understand how you could put up with him - you must have the patience of a saint!

Neyite

The way he changes plans to suit himself and his indifference to you when you are upset by his behaviour would be major red flags for me. Where is the compromise, the sharing, the whole point of being with someone?

He treats you like an accessory that he forgets half the time, but I think he also knows that you have no intention of leaving so there are no consequences for him.

If someone loves you, then they are concerned when you are upset, even if they do not necessarily agree with why you are upset, they acknowledge that you are not happy at the least. they are apologetic when they are late, they call to tell you. They care. I dont think this guy deserves you, you could do so much better than this.

Walls

He sounds appalling. What a terrible way to treat someone, it is completely selfish and unacceptable. Your frustration with him is very much appropriate.

LegacyUser

so we had a bit of a talk. he says he thinks im dramatising it and its only one side of the story. he feels that he's been a bachelor for a long time and it set in his ways.

so i don't really know what to think now? from our talk nothing will change although he said he understands now why i was upset at having being left waiting for 4 hours but he didn't at the time. its worth mentioning also that i'm from an urban background while he is froma very rural background. i've found the social etiquette to be very different there!

Walls

unsure about it all wrote: »

he says he thinks im dramatising it and its only one side of the story. he feels that he's been a bachelor for a long time and it set in his ways.

That seems like an attempt to confirm the status quo, rather than take on board his behaviour.

so i don't really know what to think now? from our talk nothing will change although he said he understands now why i was upset at having being left waiting for 4 hours but he didn't at the time. its worth mentioning also that i'm from an urban background while he is froma very rural background. i've found the social etiquette to be very different there!

You do know what to think. He behaves in a way that is inconsiderate, and you've told him. His lack of reaction doesn't make his behaviour any more appropriate, not does it make your annoyance somehow wrong. He ignores you when making plans and gets upset when he hears about it. It isn't the fault of the countryside, or your fault, that this is wrong. It is his fault. I honestly don't believe that men and women in small towns put up with that kind of behaviour, is there anyone else in your social circle that you can discuss this with?

And I would say that if he changes his plans on you again, don't allow him to do so. Make your plans without him, stick to it, and tell him no more suprises will be entertained.

Hon, he is acting like you are scenery to be moved around, rather than a person. Please stop putting up with him.

Neyite

So now its all rural guys that do this? :rolleyes:

Please dont fall for that tripe, thats bollocks. - while there are some social differences between city/country, manners are not one.

Having had several boyfriends from a rural background, not one would stand me up for 4 hours, or change plans at the last minute. They all understand the occasions where a woman would like to get dolled up for and, it may surprise your boyfriend to note, that we country women do a bit more than wipe the cowsh!t off our wellies to go out to dinner, we have even been known to do a bit of hair straigtening, makeup and nice clothes!

When he is saying he is set in his ways, what he really means is 'this is it, Im not prepared to consider you, take it or leave it.'

ladygirl

Neyite wrote: »

When he is saying he is set in his ways, what he really means is 'this is it, Im not prepared to consider you, take it or leave it.'

+1 to the above comment...

OP this guy is just not cut out for a relationship as he is just far to selfish.. Standing you up for 4 hours - or expecting you to change into a dress for dinner with friends when ye had originally planned to go walking..
He is only willing to suit himself and after the chat that ye had its fairly obvious that he will NEVER change.
You are fighting a loosing battle here especially if he cant even attempt to see the errors he has made.

You deserve more than to be a plaything he can pick up and drop whenever he feels like it, Also I would just like to also say that what I find the difference between urban and rural persons are is that (in my experience - rural guys are far more caring)



As hard as it may seem - I suggest you move on OP. Find someone who appreciates you, Best of luck xxx

MsHolloway

Hi op!

Theres one thing I only learned recently. I always thought the things you need for a good relationship is love(thats a given - well you'd hope anyway), commitment, compatibility, communication. The new element I only learned recently, along with the mentioned elements, is you need respect. I have learned the hard way that when respect is lost in a relationship its pretty much doomed. A whole range of problems stem from this like - anger, resentment.

He's being very disrespectful to you. Not even trying to communicate with you, when you clearly upset about something and want to talk about something, not bothering to let you know when plans change and being 4 hours late when meeting up with you. I don't even understand how he did NOT know you would be upset about being kept waiting for 4 hours, with no word from him - not even a simple text to let you know he'd be late!! Maybe he lacks empathy as well.. i don't know. Maybe you should ask him to really try, really try to imagine how he would honestly feel if he was in your shoes in those situations.

I don't think he respects you as a person. You are worth more than how he is treating you!

He sounds quite passive agressive as well, and a little bit manipulating.

So, so far hes disrespectful, unwilling to communicate, passive- aggressive, manipulative, lacks empathy.. anhd when you really try to talk to him, he tells you hes pretty much unwilling to compromise and you just have to put up with it....

Honestly op, I would already be gone!

dixiefly

You are not the Jeckyll & Hyde here. His behaviour is way off for a normal relationship.

Give him a chance to improve but be prepared to walk away.

slowmoe

op normally i would not advocate tit for tat but as he doesn't understand why you were upset he left you waiting for so long....i honestly think you should arrange to meet him somewhere and leave him maybe one hour waiting on you. It should be long enough for him to be stressed about it and see your point without thinking you're getting revenge on him. When you meet with him i'm sure he'll be peed off so you can offer to talk about it. When he says how mad he is and you accept it then you could turn the conversation to, so now do you see why i was unhappy you left me 4 hours waiting??? If he really can't then honestly i don't think he's capable of empathy, and then i'd be walking

LegacyUser

Op. It sounds like so far in the relationship you have enabled this behaviour and he hasn't had a reason to change as it has been working for him. Should he get it naturally - of course that would be nice but nobody is perfect and if he is a great guy and this is his imperfection - then I wouldn't just ditch him. However I would stop catering to him. Sounds like right now he has the best of both worlds. He is in a relationship and get the perks of that but still gets to live the life of a bachelor.

If friends show up at the door for dinner - that is fine - he can make them dinner and clean up afterwards. Just excuse yourself to shower and get dressed then go out if you want to stay if you want but don't help. They are his responsibility and you have no obligation given he didn't include you in the plans. If he asks you to meet him somewhere say no you won't make plans as he isn't reliable to keep them and its your time that gets wasted. Be clear and direct in how his actions impact you.

What I'm trying to say is that relationships are a two way street. If you keep doing everything when he does nothing you are enabling. Don't be vindictive or passive aggressive, just clear that it needs to mutual - you aren't a doormat and back it up with actions. Instead of using (just) words, use actions to show how his actions impact you.