Dealing with the 'Afters' of rape.

_Mac_

Hey,

New poster here, always ment to sign up being a big follower of boards but never got round to it.

Have a few problems at the moment would grately appricate any help.

In 2009 i was raped by someone i had 'kind of' knew. I was only 18 at the time too and he soon turned into my worst nightmare. Having a boyfriend at the time it was him i told 1st. He brought me straight to the guards and their main concern was to get me looked at. I was brought to hospital at half 2 in the morning and was totally out of sorts.

I hardly remember this bit as it all seemed a daze.

After all the hussle and bussle had gone i blanked it out, i felt dirty and constantly afraid. Having a fantastic boyfriend he helped and supported me and slowly brought me through it all.

But recently i have been having dreams, thinking about it lately and sleepless nights. I had been cut by my attacker with his car keys and now sometimes i can't even hold my house keys. I have big issues with people hurting me, well even when your messing aroud with friends. I take it way too serious.

When my partner holds me it can't be tight or he can't be on 'top'.

I feel i'm slowly slipping back into being afraid. I can't go anywhere by myself and wont go near a shop or path where there is a group of lads.

I just don't know what to do, my low confidence and Insecurities are starting to get to me and i feel are damaging my relationship with my boyfriend.

Some advice on this would be great, Thanks.

tinkerbell

OP, I'm so sorry for what you have gone through I think you should see a counsellor about this, I really do. They can help you pull through this.

lynsalot

You poor poor thing. What happened to you was a horrible thing. I hope they caught the perpetrator. You need to understand you were the victim in all of this. What you're going through is completely and I mean completely normal!!

I find after a traumatic event there's stages. You might feel fine one day and the next it'll come flooding back and sometimes for no apparently logical reason but its part of the healing process.

Your boyfriend sounds amazing by the way. What you've described about the keys, the intimacy sounds completely normal and rational fears to have after such a traumatic event. You're going through the motions of healing and you've done fantastically well so far. You've come such a long way and you have to remember that and give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself.

I would definitely advise seeing a counsellor. This is the right time because your feelings are confusing you and they'll help you sort your head out. While i think your boyfriend is more than happy to help you and your fears about ruining the relationship are natural, by offloading to a counsellor it'll ease your fears a little aswell.

I tihnk you're such a strong girl to have gotten through what happened. So many people let these things ruin their lives and you're not doing that. Speaking to a counsellor should help how ur feeling now.

Best of luck

Sibylla

OP Firstly I'm really sorry for everything you have gone through. You have gone through a terrible ordeal that most of us cannot imagine and you need to give yourself time. I know it's been two years but it's a long process. Give yourself credit for getting through it and coming this far the rest will come in time. Talking to a counsellor would really help and surrounding yourself with people you love.

RuthieC

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. You sound like you have a fabulous support system around you, which is great, but only you know how you're feeling inside. I was raped seven years ago, and because I refused to deal with what happened, I'm only starting to deal with it now. And now that I am, I am shocked to see how far into my psyche it has gone. I know everyone has said it, but counselling is the number 1 thing for you right now. I'm not sure if you've already been, as I'd imagine the guards would have recommended it, but for your own peace of mind I think it's time to go back.

You owe it to yourself to release these feelings. I think of mine as knots... in my heart/head... and my counselling is all about undoing the knots and letting go of that horrible horrible thing that happened. You have to be as supportive to yourself, as everyone else has. You don't deserve to feel this way.

Stay strong xxx

eddison

Hi OP, So sorry to hear of this. The other poster who suggested caring for yourself, I completely agree with. You could turn this into an art! Spoiling your self, and finding new, and newer ways to spoil yourself, and care for yourself.

Another poster suggested counselling, and this is a fantastic path to go. But I am sure you are aware of the many counselling options you have, so instead, I would talk, talk and talk to your boyfriend. He sounds great. Tell him of your insecurities, and fears. This will do several things- help him understand what is happening.

This is very important, as you know you can do this by yourself but having a loving partner is a huge key to recovery. Perhaps if you didn't talk to your partner, he would try to help, but not in the right way, which would lead to frustration, and a distance? The other thing about talking is, it will bring yourself and your partner closer together. Talking will also help to heal you, and shine a light on your fears.

It good you have asked for help here, does it feel good ? if it does, then you now understand the power of releasing your fears. One thing I notice is excellent though, you do not seem to be focused on the attacker, but on healing yourself.

This is really good, try to always focus on you and your relationships in the future- is that the best idea? In other words, you seem to be avoiding anger, and this is the quickest way to heal. Do loving things for yourself every day, and when you do this, you will gain self love, and your partner will love this about you.

LegacyUser

So sorry for what has happened to you. I know what you are going through and it wont go away just get worse unless you see a counsellor. The rape crisis centres around the country are brilliant, and they dont charge much at all depending on what you can afford. look them up online and maybe give them a ring. it takes so much courage, it took me years, but it's so worth it.

Best of luck, and much courage. xx

_Mac_

You guys have no idea how kind your words are.

I've just let myself get into a bubble and need to sort it.

I was given loads of numbers for different councelling groups but is there one that stands out which anyone can rec?

My big thing at the moment is the fear, being afraid. Don't like loud noises, i cant go to the park as this is where it happend, wont walk anywhere on my own, cant be on my own, hate being held ect.

One of the worst things at the moment are the dreams, waking up talking, screaming and just seeing it. Major one at the moment.

Like me and my boyfriend be laying in bed and he would cuddle me and out of no where i would push him off, get thick and a few times i've slept at the end of the bed. It sounds really childish but it happens.

Can anyone suggest any help around maybe helping or calming down ?

Everything said so far has been amazing, a huge wait has been lifted. Thank you. X

Zen65

_Mac_ wrote: »

Can anyone suggest any help around maybe helping or calming down ?

Hi Op,

I'm very sorry to read of your awful experience, and that it still haunts you. As strange as it may seem, given your (very understandable) fear of being hurt, I would suggest that martial art training might be therapeutic for you. In a good club you can talk to the instructor before you begin and let him know your reasons for wanting to train.

I don't mean to imply that a few karate classes will leave you capable of fending off an attacker. Rather you will learn that aggression can be countered, and that there is a course of action which will help with survival. For you, the primary objective is to learn to see aggression as something you can learn to deal with, and simply having that understanding gives your head some relief and restores confidence and calm. In a good club, training with a partner is introduced gradually so you know what you are doing, and the drills begin slowly until you are ready to increase the level of speed / strength. Safety is of utmost concern to the instructor.

I got the impression that your attack was all the more traumatic for you because you 'kind of knew' the attacker. Sadly this is very common in attacks against women, and at times it seems to leave a second scar, because the victim can believe she did something wrong to cause the attacker to behave in that manner. Such concerns are misplaced of course, and a rape victim needs to understand more than anything that she is not "part culpable" because she knew the attacker. Hopefully your BF (who sounds like a very caring guy) will have reassured you of this already, and counselling would further help you to get perspective on this awful event and see it for what it was - the act of an evil person.

Be at peace,

Z

eddison

Hi again OP,

Like me and my boyfriend be laying in bed and he would cuddle me and out of no where i would push him off, get thick and a few times i've slept at the end of the bed. It sounds really childish but it happens.

Yes this happens- you are a human being, with emotions and feelings. You are scared at times? of course you are, again, you are human.

You mentioned about keeping your relationship, so pushing him away like above is perfectly natural. But this is the kind of thing that could lead to confusion.
Is it possible that your Boyfriend now feels like the rapist? If he is treated like he is repulsive, even if he knows its not his fault, and he is understanding, could a small part of him not feel dirty, and bad?

Sorry to be so vulgar here, but when your intimate with your partner (assuming you are), he could feel even subconsciously like the rapist, because of how he is being treated, and this he would feel was abhorrent to him- he would feel very bad. This would be a feeling he would not wish to repeat, as he might feel by being intimate with you, he is hurting you, by reminding you. Then he may not feel like being with you, as he might feel like he was abusing you.

People are human, and they have emotions. This is where talking comes in. Every time you push him away like above, Maybe in your own time, the next day, explain to him, how you feel. Explain why you pushed him away, and explain your ture feeling for him. Again this is healing you, and helping your relationship. Many relationships suffer when deep hurt like this has been inflicted.

Zen65 mentioned Karate, and this is a great idea. Physical exercise is excellent for you, and will help to empower you, releasing any anger that is there little by little. But there is another side to this- meditation. Any form of exercise is like a meditation, and keeps ones mind silent. Of course if Karate is not suitable, consider meditation as an option. This is something you can do allot.
As babies, our natural state is loving, and self loving. Ever heard of a self hating, or hateful baby??!! Now its our thoughts which form our character, and our soul. When one meditates, keeping ones mind silent, one returns little by little to our natural state. Colour seem to be more vivid, one feels more noble, with a silent inner joy, which makes one have a faint smile, all the time. Confidence is the result of regular meditation, and inner peace.
you could join a group, or get meditation tapes. There are thousands of ways to meditate, but basically clearing ones mind, and gently moving away from thoughts. At first this will only be for a few minutes, then 5 minutes, then longer, and longer.

Here is an extract from a book which explains this better..

'''Concentration without effort — that is to say where there is nothing to suppress and where contemplation becomes as natural as breathing and the beating of the heart —is the state of consciousness (i.e. thought, imagination, feeling and will) of perfect calm, accompanied by the complete relaxation of the nerves and the muscles of the body.
It is the profound silence of desires, of preoccupations, of the imagination, of the memory and of discursive thought. One may say that the entire being becomes like the surface of calm water, reflecting the immense presence of the starry sky and its indescribable harmony. And the waters are deep, they are so deep! And the silence grows, ever increasing. . what silence! Its growth takes place through regular waves which pass, one after the other, through your being: one wave of silence followed by another wave of more profound silence, then again a wave of still more profound silence. . . Have you ever drunk silence?
If in the affirmative, you know what concentration without effort is.'''

You are good at expressing yourself OP, and you do not seem to have self pity, which is excellent. Those factors, and using counselling, combined with spoiling yourself, meditation, and a supportive partner, will go a very long way to healing you. Please ignore this, if you do not believe, but pray OP to our father, and ask him for his help. He cannot, and will not help if he is not asked, as that is rude. But if you ask, watch out!! he will help you, there is no question. Pray every day. I will say a prayer for you too OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've never been raped or had sexual abuse so can't really comment on what you've through. Can't even imagine.

But in terms of trauma, I've been knocked down by a car and had a bad motorbike accident and had a trusted person in my life turn on me violently (I ended up in A&E) ... oh and an a few awful breakups!

So I've had the nightmares. My way of dealing with nightmares is by accepting that my subconscious is looking after me. The people who who were in camps in the holocaust all said that when they were there they had lovely dreams. They only started to have nightmares when they were safe and their mind started processing stuff. Your subconscious mind will only look after you (by scaring you ****less!). It's a paradox but once you accept that it becomes manageable. Your mind is trying to look after you. It's dealing with the stuff while you're asleep and healing you. We encounter our fears in dreams so we know how to encounter them in life. When your subconscious has dealt with this stuff - by awful repetition - the nightmares will stop. I'm 36, and the horrible post-trauma stuff I dreamt about at 22 isn't there anymore. Next time you have a scary nightmare, just be thankful that your mind is sorting this stuff out so you don't have too. This is something I've observed also in my husband who spent his late teens/early 20s in special forces in a war area (he's not irish)... post traumatic stress disorder... it fades and we go on to live good lives but it takes time & don't assume that it will stay this way forever. We're all way more resilient than we give ourselves credit for & you sound like a tough cookie. But do go get that counselling & only stay with a counsellor if you feel a connection. Best of luck love x

... and accept that 2 years isn't that long... healing takes time...

booboo88

I know how you feel, only for me it went on for 6 years. 6 years of feeling dirty, i dont ask for it but it still doesnt stop you blaming yourself, I have done for years. still do even.
it had the opposite effect on me though, i became too trusting of people, wanting to be loved and held. I didnt have very high standards when it came to boyfriends, in fact any guy would do. just so as to numb the pain for a little while, forget all about it while i was being all sucked into the new guy.
I dont talk to any of my friends about it cuz i dont want to bother them.
In fact the last time i told someone was because i was very drunk.

this is now 4 years later, you dont get over it, you learn to cope
slowly but surely and im still learning

julie2tubz

Hi OP,

I went through the same thing 5 years ago and it was with someone I know. I eventually went to counselling when I broke down to my brother about the guilt I felt!!!

He organised the councellor for me. So maybe talk to your boyfriend about calling up the rape crisis centre for you if you are scared. They will talk to him about what to do. I needed that little kick/helpto get me going. It was the best thing I could have done.

I also understand about the loud noises. I still am scared by things like that. Even silly things and my heart feels like it's in my throat. But slowly but surely things are getting better. It used to be the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at night. Nowadays I can go a few days without even thinking of it.

Time and counselling are what you need and I promise things will get better

Mrs A

Remember this isn't a broken leg we are talking about here, this is deep pain. It will take a number of years to get to the point where it isn't constantly there like the elephant in the room, but one day you will realise it doesn't dominate everything and you are able to move on with your life.

Finding the "right" counsellor is really important. Whilst I agree you should talk with your boyfriend, from experience, he may find what you have to say hard to take and not necessarily want to hear it - we are talking about someone he really cares about - who would? A counsellor is impartial, they won't give you answers, but can help you and empower you to find them and help yourself.

You are not a victim, you are a survivor and need to take each day at a time, by all means let your boyfriend know what you are going through, ask for his support and promise to try and be honest and open with him, but at the end of the day it is cruely down to you. People mistakenly think it is just the act of rape that stays with you and terrorises you, it is so much more than that and usually it is your own mind that is the enemy.

Be brave and be strong, sharing your story here was a start so you know you can do it. Good luck x

Morag

I think you need to go and get professional help.
Many people when they go through something as harrowing as you have need help dealing with it and how it impacts on them, I guess it's like post tramatic stress disorder or something. It's going to take a while for things to normalise again and you will need help figuring out what triggers the reactions you are having.