Stupid row...?

MonicaBing

Guys i could really do with some help as im at a loss as to how to fix this mess...2 days ago the fella(32) and me (35)were having a joke row when i mentioned something stupid about him being employed (im working), he got mad and hasnt spoken to me until this morning when i apologised again, he said i only spoke the truth and to leave it be, but he's not touched me or gotten back to his normal self, it sounds so childish but i have a ball in the pit of my stomach as i dont know how to fix this.

I hate rowing, i know everyone does, but i always end up the unlucky one, i end up apologising even tho it maybe not my fault, and they always end up leaving.

The fella and i are together 5 years soon, and this is seriously our first big argie, he's also not being unemployed before either and is slowly going mad, he's kept himself occupied with painting, garden etc but this is not how he wants it.
If anyone can give me perspective on this i would appreciate it.

flowerchild

Talk to him and he needs to talk to you. Swiftly, and with affection. It's the biggest predictor of relationship success.

Besides it sounds like you care about him.

MonicaBing

I am trying to talk to him but when i walk into a room he walks out and he's encamped himself in the bedroom where he's browsing job websites, its bloody ridiculous, i have a sick stomach from this, you'd think at my age i'd know how to handle a row? Oh and i do care for him, i love the very bones of the bugger.

Jack B. Badd

MonicaBing wrote: »

i always end up the unlucky one, i end up apologising even tho it maybe not my fault, and they always end up leaving.

At the risk of sounding harsh, that doesn't sound unlucky, it sounds like being a doormat. Stand up for yourself & stop apologising for things that aren't your fault, they may hang around longer. Few people want to be in a relationship with someone who is lacking in self-worth to the extent that they'll apologise for things that aren't their fault.

Chinafoot

MonicaBing wrote: »

2 days ago the fella(32) and me (35)were having a joke row when i mentioned something stupid about him being employed (im working), he got mad and hasnt spoken to me until this morning when i apologised again.

Well what exactly did you say? Sounds like you've hit a serious nerve with him and he's hurt. Give him a chance to calm down and don't keep apologising. He probably already feels like shít about being unemployed and for his girlfriend to make a dig about it (joking and all as you may have been) must have really stung.

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

At the risk of sounding harsh, that doesn't sound unlucky, it sounds like being a doormat. Stand up for yourself & stop apologising for things that aren't your fault, they may hang around longer. Few people want to be in a relationship with someone who is lacking in self-worth to the extent that they'll apologise for things that aren't their fault.

Agree in general. However, in this case she did do something wrong.

OP, just leave him be. You've apologised and thats all you can do for the moment. His pride has taken a knock but after 5 years together I think he'll realise that you didn't mean to hurt him.

flowerchild

MonicaBing wrote: »

I hate rowing, i know everyone does, but i always end up the unlucky one, i end up apologising even tho it maybe not my fault, and they always end up leaving.

If 'they always end up leaving' then there may be some patterns you need to recognise and address. Do you get angry and say and do things you subsequently regret? Then maybe you need to work on impulse control. Feel the anger and pause. Or simply say what you want to say in the positive, as a suggestion the person could consider, if they choose. Less critical, more supportive. If others leave it is worth looking at how you make up. Leaving the other alone is a poor strategy for a healthy relationship. It is too isolating for them and can easily escalate into a rift much larger than the original issue.

Think about how you want to feel about your relationships. Then ask yourself how much you are willing to take responsibility and just change.

Zen65

MonicaBing wrote: »

I am trying to talk to him but when i walk into a room he walks out and he's encamped himself in the bedroom where he's browsing job websites, its bloody ridiculous, i have a sick stomach from this, you'd think at my age i'd know how to handle a row? Oh and i do care for him, i love the very bones of the bugger.

He's hurting because despite your apology he thinks that deep down your esteem for him is lower as a result of his unemployment. Men are most often reared to believe they are to be the provider in a relationship, so making a joke of his predicament is akin to ridiculing his manhood. Modern media present successful men as those with good jobs first, good relationships second.

That's not to say that no man should be slagged for being unemployed, but it sounds as though in his case he has tried (or is trying) to find work and is unable to do so. Slagging / joking is legitimate if a person has simply opted not to work, nor to seek work.

Men identify themselves very strongly through their work. In the absence of that identifier he is undoubtedly feeling very fragile, and your comment has kicked him at a vulnerable time. You can only wait for him to get over it, but be sure to show as far as possible that you still hold him in high regard, even if he cannot have that same regard for himself right now.

Be at peace,

Z

diverdad

Zen65 wrote: »

He's hurting because despite your apology he thinks that deep down your esteem for him is lower as a result of his unemployment. Men are most often reared to believe they are to be the provider in a relationship, so making a joke of his predicament is akin to ridiculing his manhood. Modern media present successful men as those with good jobs first, good relationships second.

That's not to say that no man should be slagged for being unemployed, but it sounds as though in his case he has tried (or is trying) to find work and is unable to do so. Slagging / joking is legitimate if a person has simply opted not to work, nor to seek work.

Men identify themselves very strongly through their work. In the absence of that identifier he is undoubtedly feeling very fragile, and your comment has kicked him at a vulnerable time. You can only wait for him to get over it, but be sure to show as far as possible that you still hold him in high regard, even if he cannot have that same regard for himself right now.

Be at peace,

Z

I agree with Zen65, you have hut him and bruised his male ego.

Give him his space if he needs it. Be supportive if he has plunged into a frantic search for a job. Try and may yourself useful in his search.
Maybe it was a hard kick to his pride but it sounds like he wants to react in a positive fashion by starting a job hunt.
Above all keep talking to him and his anger will subside and you will be there for him.
We males are easily won over by wiley females who massage our egos.

Good luck in the job hunt and your relationship. I doubt if it is a 'deal breaker' after 5 years but he's hurt and stung into action which is how we males usually cope with lifes sh1t.


Another thing, stop beating yourself up abot this and comparing it to every other relationship that didn't work out. They didn't work possibly for a lot of other reasons. Be positive.

MonicaBing

Thanks to everyone for the responses, they are all appreciated. Were speaking again and yes i did indeed hurt by my throwaway comment. Ive been at pains for weeks to support him in his job search and any ideas he came up with, plus he took the piss out of himself for being unemployed, therefore i thought the comment would be funny...Lesson learnt.

To the posters who think i have other issues re standing up for myself, you are also right, its something im working on.

So thanks again to you all.