Girlfriend has BPD

LegacyUser

Im unreg for this as its obviously very sensitive information but i was told recently by my gf of a few months that she had been seeing a psychiatrist who had diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder. In fairness, im not the most experienced guy in the world when it comes to relationships but her sheer distrust of me constantly even though i gave her absolutely no cause for it made me think something was up. Anyway im just looking for advice because im quite scared, im only young and dont really want a long term project of a relationship but i really care for her and im terrified (in a naive way) that leaving her, since thats the one thing shes afraid of, will be very damaging to her psychologically.

I should probably be clear that she doesnt have huge mood swings, its nothing terribly apparent but it can be stressful when she gets annoyed at me for what i see being no reason at all etc.

I do care about her and im happy in the relationship but i really know nothing about this illness and im scared about what i might be taking on staying with her... Is that incredibly selfish sounding?

Any comments appreciated, even its just to call me a selfish idiot.

LegacyUser

Hey OP
I started going out with my BF and after a couple of dates he told me he had been diagnosed with a number of mental illness"' including schizophrenia. I was a bit naive and didnt really put much thought into getting into a relationship with some one who had mental issues. 5 years on we are still together although times can be very hard going sometimes. We could have made plans for a night out and I would get ready and he might just get into a mood and that would be that.

You have to be very sure that you are willing to get into a relationship with this person.
As harsh as it sounds you can't take her feeling into consideration when making your decision as it is something that could have a huge effect on your future; can/will she be able to hold down a job etc, these are all things you have to think about.

Good luck whatever you decide; but remember that she is still the person that you liked enough to date and she is not just "her illness". It is this stigma that prob prevented her from telling you earlier.

LegacyUser

hey OP, I'm in your girlfriend's position. I'm with a guy 6 months and was diagnosed with borderline a few months ago. Honestly, if she's receiving treatment for it then it shouldn't be as bad as you're expecting. It doesn't impact on my relationship because I've learned to control myself when I have irrational thoughts, like unwarranted jealousy/anger, and I refrain from taking it out on my partner.

If you're worried, do some research into BPD, but ultimately it's up to you if you want to stay because BPD DOES affect relationships, no matter how much a person with borderline might try to stop it from happening.

As it's only a few months into the relationship and you're already having these doubts, I'd be inclined to say that you should end things. Why stick around if you're so worried? The best thing you could do would be to talk to her, explain that you can't tolerate the lack of trust because you've done nothing wrong and that while you understand she has borderline, it doesn't make it ok to not trust you.

Speaking as someone with BPD, I constantly get these feelings that I shouldn't trust someone. It's hard to explain but it's like you DO trust them, but then you start thinking "what if?" and that eats away at you until you snap at the person. To be honest though, I wouldn't dream of not trusting my boyfriend. I fully trust him, and don't get these feelings around him often and if I do, I ignore them. Your girlfriend should be at least trying to control these feelings.

Tell her to look into Dialetical Behavioural Therapy. It's developed specifically for people with borderline and is apparently very good.

Kimono-Girl

i suffer from BPD i was diagnosed with it about 5 years ago now, i spent 4 out of those 5 years attending monthly counseling sessions,

First thing you should do is try and get your hands on a book "managing intense emotions and overcoming self-destructive habits" by Lorraine Bell if your girlfriend hasn't had to buy it yet, its the recommended text on BPD and i found it to be a life changer for me, every sentence i had ever uttered when upset was in that book and reading it back helped me realise it wasn't just me being crazy, it was a serious condition.

it also gives partners actual advise on how to handle someone with this condition,

it is possible to have a successful relationship with BPD, me, my fiance and my daughter are living proof of that, but it does take a lot of work that only your girlfriend can do, and you really need to not take things she may say or do so personally, if you are willing to work with her you should be able to find a way to keep the relationship going, if you find its too hard and you want out, i would recommend taking the right steps and contacting her counselor as from experience it can cause massive problems if it's done incorrectly, if done correctly though it can be incredibly more helpful then staying with her.

so no i don't think you are being selfish but i do feel you should learn more about BPD before you get much further involved.

LegacyUser

I feel for you OP.

What follows are simply my own views and my experience of the views of professionals in Ireland regarding BPD.

Typically, BPD (Borderline personality and NOT to be confused with Bipolar) patients often have the following traits: Emotionally unstable, self-harming, substance abusers(drugs, alcohol, benzos), manipulative and incredibly difficult to treat.

They tend to end up on lots of medications, most of which don't really do them any good, and also on a lot of benzos like Xanax which they demand more and more of from their psychiatrist. They are also constantly threatening suicide/suicidal.

Rightly or wrongly they are viewed as "troublesome" patients, immature people and attention seeking. Also, there aren't really many very effective treatments for BPD, the idea seems to be to hope that they "grow out of it," which sadly, many don't. DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) has been shown to have some success in getting BPD patients to adapt their behaviour but is only available in a very limited capacity in this country. In one sense BPD is not seen as a psychiatric illness in the same sense as say "Depression, Schizophrenia or Bi polar disease," but more as a disorder of "personality." which seems to be a complicated and jargon heavy way of saying, 'this is just the way they are.'

I'm sorry to have to say this OP but if you were my friend and telling me over a pint that your GF had BPD, I would tell you to run and not stop running. Alternatively, realise that if you don't want to get completely swallowed up in her problems you will need to set very clear and strong boundaries and not let her push them.

LegacyUser

the poster above seems to have a very jaded view on people who have been diagnosed with bpd. bpd is considered a severe mental health condition, difficult to treat, etc.

Yes, some people see patients with bpd as attention seekers, but the majority realize that it is a serious condition and not something that the patient can easily change. it is not "just the way they are" and patients do not regularly threaten suicide, either.

AS a BPD sufferer, I would be inclined to tell you to disregard the above, because what that person described is a huge extreme, not the normal cases of BPD. Talk to your girlfriend, but don't take what the person above me said literally. I have never once abused drink, drugs, threatened or attempted suicide and I am still diagnosed with BPD.