Advise needed

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am probably going to rant through this.

Its just lately this is really getting me down. I seem to really punish myself and go after things and people I just cant have. I guess when I look back further I have always been this way.
The main thing on my mind and what I have done in the passed is I want to be with people that I cant and I cant make decisions. I am so down on myself all the time and question my looks and personality. I keep doing this to myself.

I feel I cant make any decisions, and move on from things, I seem to dwell on everything, instead of focusing on the positives. I want to scream and cry a lot, but it does not help.

I just want to be in a position where I make good choices, and instead of constantly hurting myself. I have tried couselling and it helped, but not enough. As I am writing this I know I have many positives in my life, but also focus on what I havent got or cant have, its almost like an obsession. Why do I always feel the need to hurt myself.

knew this was going to be a rant. sorry.

LegacyUser

Does nobody else feel this way??

cantmakedecisions wrote: »

Hi,
I am probably going to rant through this.

Its just lately this is really getting me down. I seem to really punish myself and go after things and people I just cant have. I guess when I look back further I have always been this way.
The main thing on my mind and what I have done in the passed is I want to be with people that I cant and I cant make decisions. I am so down on myself all the time and question my looks and personality. I keep doing this to myself.

I feel I cant make any decisions, and move on from things, I seem to dwell on everything, instead of focusing on the positives. I want to scream and cry a lot, but it does not help.

I just want to be in a position where I make good choices, and instead of constantly hurting myself. I have tried couselling and it helped, but not enough. As I am writing this I know I have many positives in my life, but also focus on what I havent got or cant have, its almost like an obsession. Why do I always feel the need to hurt myself.

knew this was going to be a rant. sorry.

Forever Hopeful

cantmakedecisions wrote: »

Hi,
I am probably going to rant through this.

Its just lately this is really getting me down. I seem to really punish myself and go after things and people I just cant have. I guess when I look back further I have always been this way.
The main thing on my mind and what I have done in the passed is I want to be with people that I cant and I cant make decisions. I am so down on myself all the time and question my looks and personality. I keep doing this to myself.

I feel I cant make any decisions, and move on from things, I seem to dwell on everything, instead of focusing on the positives. I want to scream and cry a lot, but it does not help.

I just want to be in a position where I make good choices, and instead of constantly hurting myself. I have tried couselling and it helped, but not enough. As I am writing this I know I have many positives in my life, but also focus on what I havent got or cant have, its almost like an obsession. Why do I always feel the need to hurt myself.

knew this was going to be a rant. sorry.

OP, what do you want? You need to take stock of what you have. I think you know the answer and this wanting people/things you can't have is causing you misery. What if you did get the person you wanted? Do you think you would appreciate them? Is it the chase or the catch you like? There are people who love the chase and the drama of the chase as it fills their ego, only to lose interest after the have 'caught' the person.
You need to develop a sense of self independent of other people. Develop some confidence and self esteem. Life is full of joy and also disappointment but it is how you handle these situations that makes the difference.
No one person is excempt from challenges, of questioning themselves and not getting the person they want. Go back to counselling and work on yourself. Instead of focusing on what you don't have, be grateful for what do have and your mood will improve.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

Yes you are right, I do agree with your advise, and its something I want to do. Its not that easy though. I go through periods where I am thankful for what I have. But then something or someone takes me back down....well I allow it.
My latest issue with someone I like is just madness....as it cannot be. Although this person does not help the situation. I did go to counselling last year, and discussed this issue. And the advised me that it is what I allow that causes me the grieve. They said you want this guy he doesnt want you, but still he is around constantly and always in your life, and you allow this although it hurts you. At the time it made a lot of sense, and the counseller said it was like I emotionally self harmed myself. I did back away a lot from the situation, but here I am again with the same problem with the same people.

Think you are right, that I may need to go to counselling again and work on myself. I do appreciate you responding to me.

thank you.

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP, what do you want? You need to take stock of what you have. I think you know the answer and this wanting people/things you can't have is causing you misery. What if you did get the person you wanted? Do you think you would appreciate them? Is it the chase or the catch you like? There are people who love the chase and the drama of the chase as it fills their ego, only to lose interest after the have 'caught' the person.
You need to develop a sense of self independent of other people. Develop some confidence and self esteem. Life is full of joy and also disappointment but it is how you handle these situations that makes the difference.
No one person is excempt from challenges, of questioning themselves and not getting the person they want. Go back to counselling and work on yourself. Instead of focusing on what you don't have, be grateful for what do have and your mood will improve.
Good luck!

Forever Hopeful

cantmakedecisions2 wrote: »

Yes you are right, I do agree with your advise, and its something I want to do. Its not that easy though. I go through periods where I am thankful for what I have. But then something or someone takes me back down....well I allow it.
My latest issue with someone I like is just madness....as it cannot be. Although this person does not help the situation. I did go to counselling last year, and discussed this issue. And the advised me that it is what I allow that causes me the grieve. They said you want this guy he doesnt want you, but still he is around constantly and always in your life, and you allow this although it hurts you. At the time it made a lot of sense, and the counseller said it was like I emotionally self harmed myself. I did back away a lot from the situation, but here I am again with the same problem with the same people.

Think you are right, that I may need to go to counselling again and work on myself. I do appreciate you responding to me.

thank you.

Hi Op,
You are absolutely not alone in wanting someone you can't have. Every person on the planet has experienced that whether they want to admit it or not. The difference is not letting this other person not wanting you, define you. I wonder, if someone was crazy about you and you didn't feel the same way, how would that make you feel? Have you ever noticed you might behave differently around someone you like as opposed to someone who likes you? Your energy can shift.
However, this is not about the other person, this is about you. This person is just a symptom of your self doubt. Believe in yourself. You are as worthy and loveable as the next person. You just got to believe it and believe it inspite of this other person. Just because this guy isn't the one doesn't make you less of a person and believe me, when the right one comes along, you'll see him in a completely different light.
Its hard when you are around someone you like but as hard as it is, distance yourself from him. Its human nature to want what you can have but I think you have to learn to toughen up because if you are going to counselling for something like this (which I know is hard), when relationships end and you lose love can be pretty hard to bear. Having a healthy self view will go far in protecting you somewhat.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

I can certainly agree with you, I am not the first nor last person to want what I cant have. What gets me down is I let it take over my life, and makes me feel less within myself. And the worst part is I am not short of attention, but think deep down I am holding out. I know what I want cant happen, but deep down I wish and hope and daydream all the time, of what could be. I hate the thoughts of wasting any more time on this. Its like I always need someone or something to focus on, and its usually something that is not gonna happen or not good for me.

well hopefully I will learn in time to deal with these issues head on, I thought when I got older I would be better at this, I seem to be worse.

thank you again for taking the time to reply.

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Hi Op,
You are absolutely not alone in wanting someone you can't have. Every person on the planet has experienced that whether they want to admit it or not. The difference is not letting this other person not wanting you, define you. I wonder, if someone was crazy about you and you didn't feel the same way, how would that make you feel? Have you ever noticed you might behave differently around someone you like as opposed to someone who likes you? Your energy can shift.
However, this is not about the other person, this is about you. This person is just a symptom of your self doubt. Believe in yourself. You are as worthy and loveable as the next person. You just got to believe it and believe it inspite of this other person. Just because this guy isn't the one doesn't make you less of a person and believe me, when the right one comes along, you'll see him in a completely different light.
Its hard when you are around someone you like but as hard as it is, distance yourself from him. Its human nature to want what you can have but I think you have to learn to toughen up because if you are going to counselling for something like this (which I know is hard), when relationships end and you lose love can be pretty hard to bear. Having a healthy self view will go far in protecting you somewhat.
Good luck!

cantdecide

Forever Hopeful has it all covered really. Everyone's been there.

It's hard to let go. You think that if you do, you're surrendering hope or maybe surrendering a part of yourself but, you're not really. Pragmatcially speaking, these thoughts are negative and there's often an element of self-destruction in them.

There's a certain bittersweetness in unrequited love, too. However, you have to train yourself to be more protective of your own feelings and you can still be a romantic. You say yourself you get a lot of attention which is great and when you meet someone nice, you'll appreciate them all the more. You have a right to be happy but you have to permit yourself to be happy too. You are allowed to window shop too, by the way. The thing about happiness is that you can find it in the most unlikely places.