Infertility Etiquette

Morag

Friends of mine are going through this atm and I was surprised at how ignorant a lot of people are and could make rather hurtful comments with out any awareness of understanding why what they were saying was an issue.

So I found this link and article which can be given to people to help the understand a little and figured I'd share it, as some may find it helpful as well.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

* They will eventually conceive a baby.
* They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
* They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Neyite

Sharrow,
I wish I could thank this twice! I have been the recipient of some of the comments on the list - It would be great to cut this out and hand it out to a few people I know!

Thanks for this.
N.

DetectivFoxtrot

the 'just relax' thing is the worst imo..... I think people genuinely think it's helpful, my mam was forever saying it. :rolleyes:

Disambiguation

DetectivFoxtrot wrote: »

the 'just relax' thing is the worst imo..... I think people genuinely think it's helpful, my mam was forever saying it. :rolleyes:

Haha, you are so right.

dublinlady

Love that....although it makes me so sad....never thought it would be me........:o

bubbaloo

Brilliant article - thanks for putting it up OP.
I'm sure we've all had some "gems of wisdom" over the years!!
After I suffered my first m/c a family member said "I don't know why you want kids anyway - they ruin your life!!" :rolleyes:

Disambiguation

dublinlady wrote: »

Love that....although it makes me so sad....never thought it would be me........:o

Awh, I'm sorry.

Is there room in your club for another " I never thought I would need treatment" lady? Seems there are a few of us around, more is the pity.

Good luck, whatever you do.

JENNYWREN19

I have a friend who's currently going through the mill with failed ivf. She's now considering other options. Good luck to you all

PS Do any of you know the position on failed ivf treatment? She was told if the treatment was unsuccessful she would get half her money back but she only got €300. Is this right?

Disambiguation

JENNYWREN19 wrote: »

I have a friend who's currently going through the mill with failed ivf. She's now considering other options. Good luck to you all

PS Do any of you know the position on failed ivf treatment? She was told if the treatment was unsuccessful she would get half her money back but she only got €300. Is this right?

Regrettably, I think it depends on the "goodwill" of the clinic. I know for sure that American clinics offer what they call 'shared risk' programmes where clients can buy a number of treatments for a fixed fee and if they are unlucky enough to complete the agreed number of treatment without a live birth the fee or a % thereof is refunded.

The figures can be up around $30k for a number of shots at IVF, which is a huge chunk of change and sounds like a better option than it really is when you consider that you are betting against yourself getting pregnant on IVF no 1 or 2 etc.

I don't know of any Irish clinics that offer shared risk. If they offered your friend the fee back she should chase them and reiterate what she was told otherwise I imagine any refund is at their discretion and €300 could be seen as better than nothing.

Good luck to her; nobody would wish that situation on anybody.

JENNYWREN19

Disambiguation wrote: »

Regrettably, I think it depends on the "goodwill" of the clinic. I know for sure that American clinics offer what they call 'shared risk' programmes where clients can buy a number of treatments for a fixed fee and if they are unlucky enough to complete the agreed number of treatment without a live birth the fee or a % thereof is refunded.

The figures can be up around $30k for a number of shots at IVF, which is a huge chunk of change and sounds like a better option than it really is when you consider that you are betting against yourself getting pregnant on IVF no 1 or 2 etc.

I don't know of any Irish clinics that offer shared risk. If they offered your friend the fee back she should chase them and reiterate what she was told otherwise I imagine any refund is at their discretion and €300 could be seen as better than nothing.

Good luck to her; nobody would wish that situation on anybody.

She told me she had paperwork saying that if the ivf was unsuccessful she was due half her money back (around €2,300). I suspect it depends upon the definition of 'unsuccessful' (the medical team didn't implant the fertilised eggs as they said they were unsuitable ie too weak). She's from an ethnic minority and she's getting continuous grief off some family members as if she didn't have enough going on. Honestly, I'd never dream of hassling anyone about starting a family. they know she's got problems so why don't they just butt out?

Disambiguation

Yikes, talk about pressure. Your friend must be overwhelmed.

You are spot on, it depends on the definition. But it would be a far reaching definition which would classify a successful cycle as one which did not result in a live birth, heartbeat, beta result over 30 at 18 dpo or even embryo transfer.

It is should be straight forward for her. Photocopy her paperwork and post in a note to the clinic administrator requesting the balance of her refund.

If she expects issues she might want to ask for a copy of her notes in advance - there might be a nominal fee for that.

I don't know how PM's work here, but if you can PM me, please do as I would love to know the name of a clinic that does shared risk - IVF is so awfully expensive and for a max 60% hit rate - it is just depressing.

Firefly12

Thanks for posting the material on infertility etiquette. It's very good. My problem, as someone experiencing infertility, is what to say to those insensitive souls out there who make stupid comments.

I was at a family funeral this week. Outside the church in front of loads of people my husband's aunt asked "so have you any news for us yet, it's been two years since your wedding?".

I was tempted to say "actually I'm about to inflict an early menopause on myself as part of my IVF treatment that's starting next week". Instead I opted for pretending not to hear her and walking away.

I suspect I just have to suck it up. But if anyone has got any good suggestions for how to cope with stupid comments and questions I'd love to hear them.

Neyite

Firefly12 wrote: »

Thanks for posting the material on infertility etiquette. It's very good. My problem, as someone experiencing infertility, is what to say to those insensitive souls out there who make stupid comments.

I was at a family funeral this week. Outside the church in front of loads of people my husband's aunt asked "so have you any news for us yet, it's been two years since your wedding?".

I was tempted to say "actually I'm about to inflict an early menopause on myself as part of my IVF treatment that's starting next week". Instead I opted for pretending not to hear her and walking away.

I suspect I just have to suck it up. But if anyone has got any good suggestions for how to cope with stupid comments and questions I'd love to hear them.

I never know what to say either -I get it a lot, I have been broody for over 10 years now, but only met my partner seven years ago. We have been trying since July 09, and at every family gathering, I get asked when are we 'giving everybody a day out' or 'better get a move on, because Im not getting any younger. We would love to get married, but I am not going to spend money on a wedding, until we see if we need it for further fertility assistance - I dont think I could forgive myself if I felt that the money spent on a day out could have funded that last IVF lucky cycle, if you know what I mean.

But try telling that to a very nosy family. One sister knows that I am trying, and she would never tell a soul. I would love to confide in my mother but she has no patience whatsoever - she already asks me nearly every second time we meet about 'where my relationship is going' and 'does he not know that you are not getting any younger?' despite the fact I repeatedly tell her that we will be getting married at some stage, but its as if she does not listen or absorb what I am saying, so with infertility, Its far too emotional to share with her.

The last time someone asked me I became a mess - I told her,was told how easy it was for her to have her babies :rolleyes:, and to 'relax' got annoyed, told her off for being insensitive, cried, told that i had her support and financial assistance if needed, cried some more, hugged and got drunk.

Yeah. Wouldnt recommend doing it my way

Its a horrible one - you want to put them back in their place, yet to do so is to reveal private information, so you cant.

Here are a few that I googled:

"you'll be the first to know when anything happens"
"I'd rather not talk about it"
"It has been discussed"
"Thats private, and I'd rather not discuss it"
"Maybe someday"
"Whenever God blesses us we will delighted"
"All in good time"
"Why do you ask"
and my favourite one which I am going to use from now on is "Thats a very personal question to ask, dont you think?"

Firefly12

They're great responses - the last one is my favourite too. Thanks for that. There's a few occassions coming up in the next couple of months and I know I'm going to need them.

I'm glad you've got your sister and your friend on your side. It does help. I hadn't told my mam either but then one day I'd had one doctor's appointment too many and ended up telling her (and crying for about three hours). It was almost like being a hormonal teenager all over again! I'm glad I did tell her as it was a weight off my back. Previously I felt she couldn't wait to have a grandchild. Now she knows I'm doing my best to make that happen! But you know your own family and friends best and these things are intensely private (says she on the internet).

Best of luck!

iguana

Firefly12 wrote: »

I suspect I just have to suck it up. But if anyone has got any good suggestions for how to cope with stupid comments and questions I'd love to hear them.

My position isn't the same as infertility, I mc'd my first pregnancy 2 and a half years ago and before we could start trying again my husband developed liver and kidney problems, ending up in failure and needing dialysis, since then he's been on a medication which is a sperm mutagenic so ttc hasn't been an option for us. We're coming up to 5 years married now, so we get a lot of questions. I've just decided to tell people the truth. I've nothing to be ashamed of and I don't want to field stupid question. Telling people the truth about the situation and getting them to stfu with their questions is the lesser of two evils to me.

LegacyUser

JENNYWREN19 wrote: »

She told me she had paperwork saying that if the ivf was unsuccessful she was due half her money back (around €2,300). I suspect it depends upon the definition of 'unsuccessful' (the medical team didn't implant the fertilised eggs as they said they were unsuitable ie too weak). She's from an ethnic minority and she's getting continuous grief off some family members as if she didn't have enough going on. Honestly, I'd never dream of hassling anyone about starting a family. they know she's got problems so why don't they just butt out?

My clinic gives most of the money back if you have what's called a 'cancelled cycle'. It's very common to cancel cycles at any point up to egg extraction if they feel you are not responding appropriately to the drugs. If it's cancelled, you get refunded all the money bar the cost of scans leading up to that point - each scan costs around 120 I believe & there are about seven scans involved in an ivf cycle. As your friend got through egg collection, it probably wouldn't count as a cancelled cycle. I imagine the 300 euro she got back is the cost we pay for a years freezing of any leftover embryos - as she had nothing to freeze that was refunded?

Of course, that's simply the way it works at my clinic.... but I don't believe the clinics are in it to rip people off anywhere. It's sadly just a very expensive business.

My etiquette issues are being told to 'relax' of course. And although no-one who knows my situation has ever said this, I get annoyed when people say infertile people should adopt instead of spending thousands on fertility treatments. Aside from the ignorance they're showing about the adoption process, most people want their own children and need to grieve for not having their own children first - which can take years. And if fertile people think adoption is an easy response to childlessness, they should ask themselves why they themselves don't go and adopt instead of adding to world overpopulation!

JENNYWREN19

Firefly12 wrote: »

Thanks for posting the material on infertility etiquette. It's very good. My problem, as someone experiencing infertility, is what to say to those insensitive souls out there who make stupid comments.

I was at a family funeral this week. Outside the church in front of loads of people my husband's aunt asked "so have you any news for us yet, it's been two years since your wedding?".

I was tempted to say "actually I'm about to inflict an early menopause on myself as part of my IVF treatment that's starting next week". Instead I opted for pretending not to hear her and walking away.

I suspect I just have to suck it up. But if anyone has got any good suggestions for how to cope with stupid comments and questions I'd love to hear them.

I'd be tempted to say 'OH, you want to know about my sex life? You first!'
Thoughtless and ignorant comments deserve a verbal slap in the face, but as it was a wedding you did the civilised thing and walked away. I didn't have children through choice until I'd been married for twelve years and nobody made any comments. It was only after I got pregnant that my mother in law told me she assumed we couldn't have children, not that we we very good at contraception! She made exactly the same mistake with my brother in law a few years down the line telling me she didn't think his wife was up to having children (she went on to have four). Good luck with the IVF, that's your main concern at the moment and I hope it works out for you

Morag

Best reply I ever heard was a lady who was sick of the pestering and snapped at the mother in law saying, 'I guess we just like anal sex too much to be bothered giving you a grand child.' The topic was never raised again

JENNYWREN19

Sharrow wrote: »

Best reply I ever heard was a lady who was sick of the pestering and snapped at the mother in law saying, 'I guess we just like anal sex too much to be bothered giving you a grand child.' The topic was never raised again

BRILLIANT!! Nosey old bat

caprilicious

DetectivFoxtrot wrote: »

the 'just relax' thing is the worst imo..... I think people genuinely think it's helpful, my mam was forever saying it. :rolleyes:

Ditto....as though by magic if I chill out I'll start popping babies out :rolleyes::mad::mad:

Very good post op

I find it people push too much with the 'are you going to give us a little brother/sister yet' (for my daughter), I normally take the candid approach & say 'No, we haven't had much luck since the miscarriage'.
Bit of a conversation killer, works to my advantage though

muffino

that article is great,i wish i could show it to some of the people i work with! 3 women i work with experienced fertility problems, one was 5 years ttc, and the other 2 were 2 and 3 years ttc, they have babies now, but it was painful to see people saying to them (without any knowledge of their infertility) things like ''your married X years, when are you going to have a baby?'' or ''mind yourself now or you'll be pregnant!'' or ''you'll have to be next'' ..

myself and my partner have been ttc the past 18 months, and havent told anyone, and because im a 25 year old woman and we arent married, certain individuals (who are new parents) i work with think its hilarious to constantly say to me things like ''u dont want to get saddled with a baby yet'', or ask me in jest ''are you not knocked up yet?''

i just smile and try give any smart arse answer i can think of at the time, i dont know what else to say to them!


uuuuugh!!! must admit, its nice to vent!!!

Mrsbrady

Sharrow wrote: »

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Thank you for posting this, i have to say that after 3 years of trying, this mothers day was the worst. it was even more painful due to the fact that my sister just had a baby so she was celebrating her first mothers day. while of course i'm delighted for her, and LOVE my niece, it's tough!

LegacyUser

Fantastic post OP. It's incredible that people need to be told this. I lost a pregnancy at 8 weeks just over a year ago and no news since. I hadn't told anyone as it was so early. The insensitive comments and questions astound me. Just when I start to deal with it another would come along. Luckily my OH is quick witted and deals with them when we're together but it makes my stomach knot.

Comments like 'ah, they're enjoying their weekends too much to bother' while in a group are hurtful or constant 'any news?' while staring at my stomach.

A friend who noticed at one event that I looked a bit upset asked the questioner to lay off but all she got back was 'sure I'm only slagging' as if to suggest that if anyone doesn't find this line of questioning funny then it is your sense of humor that is the problem and surely not what I'm saying.

LegacyUser

I'm ttc over three years. As well as the 'just relax' nonsense, I've noticed that two people have come up with 'are you sure you really want kids?' - it's a very weird one, because it puts me in a position of defending something that's very dear to me - something that if I'd gotten pregnant the first month of trying I would never have been asked to defend. Then these people - with children - have gone on to give me the spiel about how hard the sleepless nights are but also how wonderful their children are. I don't know why this bothers me or if its right to be bothered. I suppose it's because I'm a thirty something woman, I have a notion of what parenthood is, but I'm being spoken to a teenager. I would never ask someone to defend why they wanted kids. These are probably the same women who begin sentences with 'well speaking as a mother...' Don't get me wrong, I realise that motherhood defines people but back off. I'd be in the same position as you if I didn't have dodgy ovaries.
Although I have to add that most mothers I know have been fabulous and have instinctively understood where I'm coming from and not made a fuss about it.
Oh yeah, the other things that annoy me are when friends announce they're pregnant and add that 'they dreaded telling me.' I find it really patronising. I can manage my own emotions thank you and if you really did dread telling me then why do you need to share that with me? Drama much?
Venting is good

Mrsbrady

somethoughts wrote: »

Oh yeah, the other things that annoy me are when friends announce they're pregnant and add that 'they dreaded telling me.' I find it really patronising. I can manage my own emotions thank you and if you really did dread telling me then why do you need to share that with me? Drama much?
Venting is good

Somethoughts, this happened me recentely for the first time, and to be honest it hurt more than the news... i was so excited for them as i knew they'd been trying for years and it gave me hope, then she said that!!!:rolleyes: