Too young to be tied down like this

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Hoping for some advice or any opinions, anything would be great, feeling very confused at the minute.

Have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, I really love him and can't imagine ever being without him. Lately though, a few things have come to a head and I feel like I'm too young to be settled down. . thats the way our relationship feels.

I feel so guilty saying this, because I really do love him, I DON'T want to break up with him. I'm only 22 but somethimes I feel like I'm married to him. His parents take us very seriously, which is nice sometimes, but they have a very old fashioned idea of love, a.k.a the girl gets treated like a princess etc etc. Just lately it's getting to me. His sister was chatting to me the other day, and she said that they (his family) are my family because we'll be getting married etc an that my friends will come and go but he will always be there for me (I was discussing going out with my friends or my bf).

It kinda made me feel.. suffocated. I love him but I feel like Im old before my time or something. I want us to have fun, I feel like I''m missing out even though I know, when I look at everyone around me, that I'm not really missing out on much at all.

I feel so guilty I really do I've tried talking to him but he gets upset and offended, understandable I guess.

I don't know how to handle this. Help

gypsy_rose

have a think to yourself and see what you think you're missing. Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post, but i think i get where youre coming from, you feel like maybe your freedom is being restricted? maybe go off with your friends and do things you want to do sometimes so you still feel like your own person? anyways whatever you do, don't let anyone be pressuring you into anything, always be yourself and do your own thing

lucky shelly 25

I have been in a similar situation about few years ago now and felt like u are feeling we broke up believe me you wont realise what u have until it is gone and to late.The grass isnt always greener on the other side.

St._Andalou

I do agree that it's a case of the grass is greener.

I was in a relationship for two years, then single for two years. I think the amount of fun I've had in a relationship and being single is about equal.

Don't let his family get to you. Keep your relationship between you and your boyfriend.

Best of luck.

nix84

Was more or less in the same situation a few years ago. BIG difference was I hadn't loved him for a very long time and was stuck in a rut. Took me the guts of 2 years to realise I wasn't being an idiot and that everything wasn't going to be OK. So I got outta there and now I'm with the love of my life! I think you need to start going out more on your own and doing your own things. Just because you're in a long term relationship doesn't mean you can't still be "me" instead of "us"! You say you don't wanna break up with him and you love him so that's a great thing. Once you get some freedom you might find that it's not actually what you wanted afterall but at least you'd have given yourself a chance to grow.

Wagon

Trapped? wrote: »

It kinda made me feel.. suffocated. I love him but I feel like Im old before my time or something. I want us to have fun, I feel like I''m missing out even though I know, when I look at everyone around me, that I'm not really missing out on much at all.

The highlighted part is important because you have to really hammer that home to him. You don't want to have fun on your own, you want to have mad adventures with him.

I feel so guilty I really do I've tried talking to him but he gets upset and offended, understandable I guess.
(

I'm not sure why he'd get upset. Make it completely clear to him that you don't want to break up but would like to do things together. I think he gets upset cos he doesn't realise this is what you mean.

And his family? You can't really do much about that but ignore them when they bring it up and don't let it get to you. There's only two people in the relationship which is you and your boyfriend. Not them.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from.

I don't think its so much a case of grass is greener, because I don't want ot break up and I don't think I'd be better off single either.

It's just I feel quite .. I don't know just old!!? Or settled??
For example, If my friends are going out and I want to go i'll go, but if BF is invited out with friends he'll happily not go, he'd rather hang out with me. I know this sounds great right? But when I do go out then, he sometimes guilts me by making it out like I'm picking them and not him.

Wagon, when I mention about how I feel kind of old, and want ot have fun, he sees that as me saying I don't want to be as serious and want to be free to do my own thing. It's very hard to say what I'm thinking without it coming across like this

His family are a whole other issue, they are very close and like doing things together and expect me and my BF to do these things too. I find it very tedious to say the least, my family is the total opposite and I like it that way. I guess that does contribute to me feeling really settled. I'm already seen as part of the family, and expected to join in these family activities etc.

I'm coming across very mixed up, I want the best of both worlds I want my boyfriend but I also want to have fun . . I don't know. Sorry I know my post is a bit muddled.

Azureus

OP Im pretty much the same as you!!
I'm also 22 and with the boyfriend going on 4 years. We live together and I would be lost without him, but I completly see where you're coming from! I love going out with my friends and having the craic and sense of freedom, but I also love nothing more than the feeling of security I get with my boyfriend aswell. Sometimes I get the guilt trip about going out with friends a good bit etc, but you just have to hammer home the need for doing your own thing. In the same conversation, plan something to do that week together so he doesnt feel neglected.

Sometimes I think though, is this too young to be this settled? Maybe its because most of my friends are single and out on the dating scene and I worry im missing out on something (although when I look at it logically, im not really missing anything-I do the same stuff as them minus the chatting up/one night stands). I think you just have to focus on having fun. Take every day in the relationship as it comes and make sure to enjoy time together as if you were dating; make time for eachother and try not to slip into too much of a routine. The main thing is keep up your own interests and contact with friends. I've gone through phases of loved up bliss and thats great...until I realise I havent spent time without him in x amount of weeks. THATS when I freak out

As for his family, this is common and just has to be taken with a pinch of salt; dont overthink it.

jam_mac_jam

you should make more time for yourself, just because you are going out with somebody doesnt mean you cant be out with your friends enjoying yourself. Even though you love him you still need to have some seperate life. If you feel old and you want to have fun with him, have you thought of going travelling?

lynsalot

Don't fell guilty. Being independent is so important and you need more time to yourself to find out who u are. You're very young to feel this restricted.

Just because you feel this way doesn't have to be end of the line for the relationship. How old is the sister? Seems like a very immature attitude to have. You're 22. Go out with the girls ffs... spend as much time with them as possible!

How about a girly holiday? Bit of time away from the situation? Does he share your anxieties? Would speaking to him help??

Zen65

Trapped? wrote: »

Have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, I really love him and can't imagine ever being without him. Lately though, a few things have come to a head and I feel like I'm too young to be settled down. . thats the way our relationship feels.

Hi Op,

22 is very young to be settled down. As odd as it might sound to those who are still searching for "Mr or Ms Right" the reality is that somewhere in our heads we all enjoy the thrill of the chase, the novelty of new people, the early buzz of a start-up romance.

Conveniently of course in thinking this way we filter out the stress of being alone, the pain of rejection, the fear of STD's, the social awkwardness of break-ups. As a species we are possibly not well suited to monogamy, and yet our survival and success has in no small part been helped by that very concept.

You have been fortunate to find a partner so suited to you early in life. The challenge for you is to avoid the pitfall of the "trapped" feeling (in your 30's and 40's you do not want to ask yourself "why did I marry/settle down so young?") and to that end you need to try re-create some of the thrill of an early relationship.

How do you do that? Possibly by embarking on new adventures together;

* Travel
* Adventurous (but safe!!!) new sexual activities (I'm not going to offer suggestions). Call into your nearest Ann Summers shop for ideas.
* Going to new clubs/ bars/ restaurants etc
* Get him (and you!) to try changing your wardrobes (by which I mean your normal style of clothing) or hairstyle etc for a period, to create the feeling of being with somebody different. I know that sounds really corny, but I'm a firm believer that this sort of thing actually works.

Equally, do not lose yourself in the relationship. Be sure that you find time for you in your life;

* Take up a course to further your career?
* Take up a new sport or hobby (without him)
* Have at least one circle of friends just for fun.... not involving your partner. Be careful not to let this become a point of jealousy for him.
* Go on a holiday by yourself (or maybe with a female friend)

I wish you the best of luck!

Be at peace,

Z

Taltos

Not much more I can add to this but try looking at it this way and feel free to talk to him about this.

If you spend all of your time with each other - then there is a good chance the relationship will get to be stale. Why? - Cause you will have nothing new to talk about - both of you will have been there the whole time.

Instead time with your friends should be embraced as an opportunity to bring fresh ideas, stories and news to the other. Similarly go out and find something new for you both to do as well.

In terms of his family and comments - sorry OP - but only one thing you really can do there as you will not change them without making life difficult - and that is - grow a thick skin, well that and next time they come out with that tripe immediately answer back - "whoa your horses nellie - I'm only 22 and not old enough yet to be fit with a zimmer frame..."

Take some time when you BOTH are calm and let him know that yes you love him with all your heart - but the relationship as it stands is stifling you and is detracting from is otherwise a great relationship. Tell him you need to spend time with your friends and family sometimes alone, and you want him to do the same. This way when you are out with the girls and they are falling around like eijits you can picture going home to him and getting a warm welcome come hug...

Seriously - if he does hold on too tight this relationship is in serious risk - maybe don't say that out straight but let him see what he is risking.

LegacyUser

Zen I found your post really helpful, thank you. Also to everyone else, thank you aswell I realyl appreciate all the comments.

I think I definitely feel like, because it's not really the done thing anymore, that I shouldn't feel that this is the guy I would happily spend my life with.

We i travel for a month together last year, and we got on like a house on fire, I really expected to fight but it went really well. This is another sticking point... My group of girl friends are going away for a month this summer.. and he really does not want me to go.
I don't like the idea of leaving him either but i do want to go with the girls..



To answer someone elses question, his sister who said that is 30 so not young at all! I mean it is lovely that I am seen as part of his family, but it can definitely be a bit much. My parents on the other hand, would never refer to us as getting married or together forever etc. and this upsets my BF, that they don't take us as seriously as his parents do.

There is alot to the story I guess, his family an his own opinions on our relationship.

I definitely am not one of those girls who has abandoned all else because I am in a relationship. Alot of my friends have commented on how well I balance friends and BF. I make a concious effort to do this so I'm not totally wrapped up with it.

I do feel that my personality has changed. I don't feel as fun as I used to, or as spontaneous. I don't know if that is just to do with getting older or if it's to do with the relationship aspect.

God I'm terrible I'm sorry, I know I'm once again a bit muddled.

tatabubbly

I'm in the same situation as yourself, I'm 22 with my OH for 3 years now

I was feeling kinda trapped lately but i was determined to get myself out of the hole so i made us do different things together:

Went out on a date
Downloaded my kind of movie aka not boy movies
Hanging out with my friends alot more
Putting effort into how I look and feel everyday instead of worrying about him..

Maybe if you assert your independance more in the relationship, you'll find yourself again??

Sonics2k

tatabubbly wrote: »

I'm in the same situation as yourself, I'm 22 with my OH for 3 years now

I was feeling kinda trapped lately but i was determined to get myself out of the hole so i made us do different things together:

Went out on a date
Downloaded my kind of movie aka not boy movies
Hanging out with my friends alot more
Putting effort into how I look and feel everyday instead of worrying about him..

Maybe if you assert your independance more in the relationship, you'll find yourself again??

Possibly the best advice.

Before leaving your partner, try altering your lifestyle somewhat.
After being with someone for so long people tend to relax about certain things (getting dressed up, doing hair, even brushing your teeth), and it's easy to suddenly find yourself trapped in a relationship so young.

So make the effort to go out more with friends, because at the end of the day, being in a relationship with someone you love with all your heart does not mean you have to stop going out and having some time with old friends.

Now, if after all that you still feel like you're not ready for a serious relationship, then just break up and move on.