Inconsiderate Housemate

liah

I live with two lads at the moment; both their names are on the lease, mine is not. I share a room with one of them, who is a friend of mine with whom I get along well. The other lad keeps mostly to himself though has been friends for years with the one I share a room with.

Basically, the other guy doesn't understand the concept of being considerate for others living in the house (and by house I mean teeny, 2-bedroom apartment). We share a VERY small kitchen between the three of us. The guy ends up collecting plates and utensils in his room and using them as ashtrays until my roommate has to go in to get them out, usually once we've ran completely out of cutlery (on more than one occasion he's managed to use all the spoons in the house in a day or two). The stuff is generally encrusted with food and ash and mold. If the guy uses the kitchen, he never cleans up after himself and leaves the place a complete tip for whoever wants to use it next.

Myself and my roommate are the only ones who have cleaned the kitchen since I've been here, which is nearly half a year. I can't talk to the lad himself as I have no leverage, my name isn't on the lease. I've tried asking my roommate to speak with him, but he says he's asked him a load of times and there's not much he can say; that nothing will change.

If it were me and my friend I would simply straight up ask him why he thinks it's okay as a grown man to think that other people should have to either a) live in his filth or b) clean up his mess, but I think that would be overstepping my boundaries.
I honestly don't give a crap what the story is with his own room, he can be as horribly messy in there as he likes, but it's simply not fair on either of us that we're the ones required to clean.

So what the hell do I do? My housemate seems to have resigned himself to just putting up with it, which is just enabling the other guy. I don't want to cause tension in the house by starting some kind of war if the guy doesn't take it well. But I'm tired of cleaning up utter filth that doesn't even belong to me.

Help

cantdecide

liah wrote: »

...I have no leverage, my name isn't on the lease. I've tried asking my roommate to speak with him...

This is a cop out. You've lived together for six months as equals. You need to confront him.

liah

cantdecide wrote: »

This is a cop out. You've lived together for six months as equals. You need to confront him.

I'm afraid my roommate would get thick with me if I did; he's close to both of us, so he'd get the brunt of it and it's just not fair, and if my roommate couldn't get through to him as one of his friends, how could I?

I've thought about confronting him many, many times and I think eventually I'm just going to end up flipping out on him about it because I can't hold it in.. but at the moment I feel like an interloper, if it comes down to him refusing it's not like my roommate's going to kick him out, he knows the lad an awful lot longer than he knows me and if it came down to it I'd probably be the one who would have to move, which is something I can't afford to do right now.

I need to figure out a way to do this tactfully and without risking causing any tension, or having it result in someone moving out.

CnaG

Well, if it were me I'd probably hide all the cups, bowls, plates and cutlery in my underwear/sock drawer (or car) and leave just one spoon, cup and bowl for the other housemate. Eventually, it'd be him who'd have to bring it up, then you can all have a reasonable and rational discussion with him, et voila! end of problem

cantdecide

liah wrote: »

I'm afraid my roommate would get thick with me if I did; he's close to both of us, so he'd get the brunt of it...if my roommate couldn't get through to him as one of his friends, how could I?...I've thought about confronting him many, many times...

Isn't it better if it comes from the stranger in the group? Your mututal friend can be the peacemaker.

There doesn't have to be a big confrontation. Fly solo. Be calm. Look him in the eye and say 'we are constantly having to chase you for cutlery and crockery and they're usually long overdue washing when we get them back. I didn't want to have this out with you like this but you have to be more considerate and take care of the cutlery and crockery for the benefit of us all'.

Don't leave it fester until you explode. No one wins in a fight.

LillyVanilli

Were they living together long before you moved in? Do you pay rent? If its their lease, and you are just staying there temporarily you cant do much about it. If not, then just bring up in a friendly way and say that he needs to pull his weight, he can start by taking dishes out of his room everyday, washing up his dishes everyday...

Overheal

Are the utensils and cutlery shared items?

Easiest thing to do which is non-confrontational is to get your own items, store them in your room and keep them seperate from the kitchen. Eventually they will have to clean it, or live in their own filth. Either/or.

Not a foolproof solution but the obvious next step.

kerryman12

Hi Liah
Unfortunately I have been in a similar situation several times. What is even more frustrating is that I have never found a satisfactory solution!

Living in someone else’s filth is a very uncomfortable place to be, I hate it. The problem seems to be this guy just wants’ to opt out and is being a wanker about it, there is very little you can do about that. Your approach, to talk to this person is logical, but if he is determined to be like this - logic doesn’t apply. You can’t allow thing to go to the stage where you flip, that will lead to a very difficult situation for all three of ye. Dont allow this to happen, so I guess you have to try and talk to him, point out how unfair/selfish he is being. If you are paying rent I would suggest you do have some leverage, if not – and you are not on the lease you are in a difficult situation.

One practical suggestion, as mentioned above would be to keep a set of your own cutlery in your room that will eliminate one problem. But of course when it comes to the cleaning of the shared areas of the apartment this approach won’t work. The normal course of events is that one or two people end up doing all of the work, unfair I know but this is the way it pans out. If this is the current situation then hopefully you and your room mate can split the work between ye and at least then it won’t all fall on your shoulders.

There is usually only one solution, moving out. You do need to be happy where you live for your own piece of mind. If you can do that then all you can do is grin and bear it.

Best of luck

tinkerbell

It's quite simple really. While I was living in college, I used to leave my plates, cutlery, pots, pans, etc. in the kitchen where they are supposed to be. However, after a few occasions of flatmates using my stuff and leaving the dishes dirty in the sink and one actually gave a loan of my frying pan without my knowledge to some randomer upstairs :mad: I took all my glasses, mugs, pots, pans, cutlery, plates, bowls, everything, out of the kitchen. All that I left in there was food (which they did not touch anyway). After every meal, I washed and dried my dishes, etc. immediately and carted it all back into my room.

Problem sorted.

spinandscribble

First of all I would mention it.

" i've noticed we often don't have anything to eat on/with because you keep them in your room. any chance that can change?"

simples.

if the shame doesn't get to him lock up your stuff in your room. use and put way after like everyones suggested.

I'm living with someone now who got used to using my stuff when she first moved in, making big piles of dirty kitchen tools/pots/plates ect.
I simply reminded her I would need to use my cooking equipments in the evening and while I don't mind her using it, she needs to leave it as she finds it. Think the conversation that sparked it was "oh whats that you bought?", "oh my dinner but everythings a mess... btw".
She was I think a bit taken back but now if she slips up, every few weeks or so, I create a interesting jenga like tower bang in the centre of the counter. always gone by the time I get back into the kitchen We actually get on better since.

I can relate to having a housemate complain but not want to do anything about the mess but by the sounds of it he's let the dirty housemate run the kitchen down far before you came on the scene. You just need to stand up for yourself. If you won't, you'll have to move or get over it.

LegacyUser

im in the very same situation. i put up a cleaning rote in the house where i share with two girls. one of the girls decided to attack me last night over the schedule. i told her i wasnt comfortable living in her filth but she said i should of come to her first? i said that i lived in houses before that didnt require a rota but the fact that she was comfortable living in her own filth, when i wasnt, required it. she said she didnt have time but i insisted she find time. why should anyone have to go around cleaning up after a stranger? some people are just damn ignorant to the needs of others.

effluent

why can't he just use an ash tray or an empty can, why is he using all the stuff in the kitchen