Alcoholic Parent

LegacyUser

My Mam is an alcoholic. Up to more than a bottle of wine a day and its affecting my Dad and me a lot. 4 years into my study into social care and I've no idea how to deal with it.

She is going through the menopause but thats not the problem, although it does'nt help. Its got to the point where she is being verbally abusive to me (mildly) but extremely verbally abusive with my Dad. She wakes up with no recollection of it and offers up an apology but I dont know how to react.

My Dad buys her wine & cigs when she runs out and when he tries to put his foot down she just gets really nasty and accuses him of being the controlling one.*

I feel like she is close to rock bottom. She is over-eating, not exercising and seems very depressed. Its proving impossible to be around.

She talks to my Dad as if she hates him and he is the worst in the world, but only when she has been drinking. Im not sure how much more abuse he can take, although he says he will never give up on her.

Im not really sure why im writing this. Just looking for some advice

LegacyUser

Do you live at the house?

I lived with this throughout my childhood. it came to a point where I had to walk away. I still talk to her but I keep her at a very long arms length.

Is she approachable when not drunk? maybe some tough love is in order. Talk to your father about a strategy of confronting her that will be effective. In the end though, she will have to want to help herself and sometimes when people don't want to be helped it can crush hearts and homes.

But I do see she is aware of her actions as she's very apologetic when she's sober. Which means there's still hope and may be willing to sort herself out with yours and your fathers help. Seek outside councel first before approaching herself first though so you know what lies ahead of ye all if that's what your mother wants, of course. So consult with your doctor first.

Really feel for you op and really hope you don't suffer anymore than you have to, be true to yourself and don't let her or your father try to brush anything under the carpet.
I knew my mother had a drink problem and my father defended her and she was, well, in deep denial herself so I really suffered for even bringing up the subject!
My father was happy to bury his head in the sand and expected us all to be verbally and mentally abused and live in that environment along with himself.

If it means getting away from your mother then by all means do, your the one who matters here.

Emme

Thanksforanyadvice wrote: »

My Mam is an alcoholic. Up to more than a bottle of wine a day and its affecting my Dad and me a lot. 4 years into my study into social care and I've no idea how to deal with it.

She is going through the menopause but thats not the problem, although it does'nt help. Its got to the point where she is being verbally abusive to me (mildly) but extremely verbally abusive with my Dad. She wakes up with no recollection of it and offers up an apology but I dont know how to react.

My Dad buys her wine & cigs when she runs out and when he tries to put his foot down she just gets really nasty and accuses him of being the controlling one.*

I feel like she is close to rock bottom. She is over-eating, not exercising and seems very depressed. Its proving impossible to be around.

She talks to my Dad as if she hates him and he is the worst in the world, but only when she has been drinking. Im not sure how much more abuse he can take, although he says he will never give up on her.

Im not really sure why im writing this. Just looking for some advice

Your Dad is enabling your mother's addiction. As long as this continues things won't change no matter how adversely it affects everyone. The best thing would be for you to move out of home (if you move into a shared house with other students it needn't be that expensive) and get out of the negative environment. If you're in college talk to a student counsellor if you can. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP your whole post could be word for word what's happening with my family.
For the past 15 years of so my mam has been doing what yr mam is doing - drinking heavily in binge cycles, blaming it on the menopause, blaming us for stuff we might have done when we were 5 or some nonsense, generally attacking my dad,siblings and me.
Just a complete nightmare!

I thought she would have hit rock bottom by now but no dice! She doesn't seem to be getting any better either.
The only advice I can give you (and I received this advice through addiction counselling for families of addicts) is to just distance yourself from her as much as possible, this means moving out if you can - she will, if she's like my mom and I suspect she might be, try the guilt card and the threatening card and she'll start doing alot of crazy stuff but ignore them, they are all tactics to get you to where she wants you to be - inside her depression with her.

When I first decided to take a stand she did and said some horrible things but I put my foot down and it ended up that I didn't make any contact with her for nearly three months before I was ready to speak to her on my terms. I also made it clear that I would leave again for indefinite periods if she started back to her old ways and It's VERY VERY HARD because she is very very good at what she does but it's for my own mental health that I do this.

As for the rest of your family, just be there for them, give them the same advice I gave you but realise that that is all you can do for them. They have to make this journey themselves too.

I have found the samaratins website very helpful and am in regular email contact with them. They just let you get it all out wihout judging you or putting pressure on you. Also check out anon for help with dealing with this situation.

All I can say after that is just realise that you can't fix this, you didn't cause this and you needn't be involved in this. Take a step back and focus on yourself and keeping yourself healthy. Make sure you get out and have fun with friends- I had a tendancy to just lock myself away and it's hard but you will feel miles better after!

My heart goes out to you, hope you can take my advice - I've been through it all and I am just coming out the other side. Be patient with yourself and love yourself, you deserve it!

Messiahrevised

a bottle of wine a day isnt too bad though, she can surely get off it if she wants to. so don't despair hun....this is not impossible.

LegacyUser

Guys and gals,

Thank you so much for your kind words, they are helping me already. I just feel so powerless. She did admit this morning that she has a problem but I'm sure that she is not ready to tackle it head on. I cant bear to see my Dad experiencing this domestic abuse and I would not be surprised if he up and left.

He keeps saying that he does not want to give up on her but I'm not sure how much longer he can go on. I fear we are just at the beginning of a very long painful process.

I know that I cant influence the situation. I sent her a text stating my support and love, especially when she decides to kick this problem into touch for good.

I am crtain that there are many other issues that need to be addressed and that the alcohol is not the root cause. But the fact is that the dependancy is making tackling her other issues impossible. Until she sorts that first and comes out of the haze, she will be stuck in this cycle for a long time.

Again, I appreciate so much all of your kind words x

Ickle Magoo

If you need to talk to someone, you might find some useful contacts here:

Useful links page...

All the best

Sardonicat

OP, I think you need to point out to your Dad that while he is not giving up on your mother he is giving up on you!

You don't deserve this, anymore than he does. He needs to be reminded that he is your parent not your mothers and should be protecting you and providing you with as happy and stable environment as possible. Taking this abuse from your mother and watching him get it worse is damaging to you. As long as he keeps buying her drinks and passively takes her abusive behaviour he is failing as a parent to you, every bit as much as your mother.

Tell him you need him to be your dad and you want the pair of you to discuss what you can do about your mother's behaviour.

If he is not prepared to put you before his wife's drinking then I would urge you, if you are old enough and can afford to; move out.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I could tell you my own story but I'm sure you've figured by now that you aren't the only one with an alcoholic mother.

Someone said that a bottle of wine a day isn't bad and I'd have to agree in a way. But the problem is she needs to stop now because it can get so much worse. My mother, after 20+ years of acoholism and depression, years of rehab, counsellors, doctors, hospitals, gardai etc etc still drinks a litre of gin per day. She cannot/will not stop.

I fell sorry for your Dad because mine is in the exact same situation. I don't understand how he still has any hope or happiness left in his life. I'm going to stick by his choice to support her because as he says himself he made vows on his wedding day.

You don't say what age you are (I don't think) but you must be in your 20s if you are in 3rd Level. You are old enough now to make your own choices. You don't need protecting etc. So if the alcoholism is affecting you badly you should separate yourself from it as much as possible for your own sanity.

However, you can still help your mother. Have you ever considered a serious family discussion (intervention) about this? Preferably when your mother is in her most sober state. Has anyone spoken to the family GP? They have the best advice to be honest. Do you think she would visit an addiction counsellor? There are some services out the OP and some of them are free so look into it if you can.

And there's always Al-anon for yourself and your Dad. Best of luck anyway, it's probably going to be a rocky road ahead.