Urgent advice needed. Relationship in tatters.

ed2hands

Hello,

I'm a first-time user and would appreciate any opinions/advice on my current situation.

I am a male 30-something engaged to my fiance for about 18 months. We have a 1 yr old child. We met around 2 years ago, and moved in together shortly after so some would say it's everything has happened quite quickly. We were very much in love at the start, but at the moment the relationship is in dire straits.
There are a number of reasons for this, but the main issue has been centred around my other son who is now a teenager. My older sons mother and i were never in a relationship, but for the most part we have had a good friendship for the sake of our son. I have kept up constant contact and visiting with my older son throughout his life; i used to have him every other week-end but now that he's older i see him about every 3 weeks. He growing into a well-rounded individual albeit with a few bouts of teenage trouble but sure none of us were perfect eh? He is adored by his grandparents, is doing well in school.
The problem is that my current partner has major issues with my son and his mother. She is of the opinion that she should never have had the child because we were never together. She thinks that i have been used and that probably he is not even mine. Her opinion of my son has deteriorated as a result, so it's gotten to the stage that when he comes to visit, my fiance hardly says a word to him. She was always distant with him, but now it's worse and the last time he was here she didn't say a word to him the whole time he was here. This has affected him and hurt him as he rightly can't understand the situation. He's not a perfect kid, but he's very polite and kind-hearted and certainly doesn't deserve this treatment.

My fiance is Eastern European but i would say her and i were brought up with similar cultural values. To a certain extent she has quite conservative views on things, but she's not religious so thats not the reason for her actions.
We have money pressures at the moment and have been arguing a lot recently, but things have come to a head this week. I told her that i want to take our son (1 yr old) to see my mother in the midlands this week-end and that we will stay overnight. I said that i want to collect my older son on the way and go from there. My mother is elderly and cannot travel to where we live so she has seen relatively little of her latest grandchild. We have been down a few times since he was born but never overnight. I said if she wants to come thats fine of course but that she should stay and have the time to herself.
My fiance has refused this request for her stated reason that she doesn't trust my older son in the company of her baby.

This i'm sorry to say made me quite angry so we had a heated row for a few minutes, with the result being the i gave her the ultimatum that if she didn't let me take my sons unaccompanied to see their granny, that i would split up with her. We haven't really spoken since.

We've had plenty of arguments and plenty of threatened walk-outs in the last year, but after a day or two we've calmed down. I have a feeling this one is different though. I love my baby son so much but my love for his mother has dwindled because of all this. It's heart-breaking to think it's come to this.
I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but i feel i can't make this happen. I'm fighting for my older sons rights and feelings and i do still care about my fiance but the love is dying...

metrovelvet

Is it possible she is using your older son to take out her frustrations on you or her unhappiness? Or its just good old fashioned jealousy. Her fantasies about the child not being yours are nearly comical, like a child closing their eyes and wishing its not true. I could not abide someone treating my son like that, a freezing out is as close to killing someone off that you can do within the law. Your poor son, that must be so hurtful for both of you.

Did you not see this coming before you had the baby? It's fairly predictable if she was expressing things like this beforehand.

What she is doing to both you and your older son is systematic abuse and she is now using the son you have together as well as the first child you have to divide up your family and I would not be surprised if VERY soon down the line she is going to force you to choose between the two kids.

Just remember that no one can force you to do anything and that these choices are yours has hard as they may be to make.

Right now she is just a FIANCE, and you are blessed you are not married. Make sure you have guardianship in order asap. You never know, if she could take the child to Eastern Europe and you could do nothing about it.

ed2hands

metrovelvet wrote: »

Is it possible she is using your older son to take out her frustrations on you or her unhappiness? Or its just good old fashioned jealousy.

I don't know which it is metrovelvet; all i want is for her to cop on. I can take criticism from her about anything else, but this is just one thing that make me angry. Maybe i'm being too hot-headed with this ultimatum though. I know in my heart i can't change her opinions about my teen sons mother, but was hoping that over time teen son and her would bond.

There were signs before but i didn't think it would get to the stage that she disrespects me and my son so much that she doesn't trust them alone together. He's a mature 15 now and has 4 younger brothers in his own home so i would trust him unreservedly. It's not as if i will be asking teen son to mind baby anyway. Granny and i will be there the whole time. It's just totally unfair that the step-brothers can't have time together, not to speak of Granny not having her "sleep-over". Babys grandad in Poland has seen more of baby than Irish granny. Maddening.

She's otherwise quite a kind person. I can't fathom why it's come to this. Haven't a clue how to make it better.

metrovelvet

I think you can forget about them bonding.

Honestly I don't think this has anything to do with her not trusting your son to be with her son, but that she does not like that this teen age boy exists in the first place and is punishing you for having a child with someone else even if it was before you ever met.

You say she is conservative but she chose to be with someone who already had a child. She also chose to have a baby with you out of wedlock. This is not that conservative really. So I don't buy that. This is about control and someone who cannot face the reality of having created a blended family. POssibly even having some guilt around it - around being with a man who had a child out of wedlock, now two children out of wedlock.

Its odd to me that a Polish woman would say that the bio mom shouldn't have kept the baby because you weren't in a relationship. Is she suggesting she should have had an abortion? She goes out of her way to dislike the bio mom because she didn't have an abortion? Honestly, this is not a kind woman.

Everyone is a kind person except for one or two things that make them a monster. Hitler was kind to animals and kids. Shrug. Im not suggesting she is a monster, but she is going to cause irreperable damage.

Did you suggest some couples counselling to iron this out? This is going to get very very messy if you don't nip it in the bud.

AB1980!

Can I ask why you don't want her to come with you? Is it because there will be an atmosphere between her and your older son?

Leaving aside all the other stuff going on, giving ultimatums about taking the child away from her for the night is probably pushing some very deep seated buttons. Most mothers don't like being away from their small children overnight, have then been seperated like that before now? It could just be anxiety over that. Also you are taking the baby away into the bosum of your family, given the fact that she is from a different country, and you are not married she could be feeling excluded. I know she is SAYING its about your older son, but just this one time, it might actully not be.

Re her attitude to your older son, can I ask was her pregnancy planned? It could be that she is young or at least immature and imagined a fairy tale life for herself. Life is complcated but all things being equal we would probably all chose the option with the least baggage. But here she is with a baby before she is marrried, from the timeline I'm guessing you got engged around the time she got pregnant? and a teenage step-son. It's a lot for anyone. If she walked in with her eyes open then she has nothing to complain about but if the pregnancy was an accident then she might be turning some dissatisfaction with how life has turned out onto your son.

Also re saying your eldest son's mother should not have had him - that probably sounds really really harsh to you, and it is, but my understanding is that abortions, while a taboo subject, are, or at least in the past have been, very very common in Eastern Europe due to social and economic pressures. So it really might just be beyond her grasp that 15 years ago a woman would have a child with a man she wasn't with.

Chicago Chick

OP I have to say I agree with all of the above and think that some very vaild points have been made. From the outside and what you have described it seems like your fiance has a picture in her head of her perfect family and life and that your eldest son is not part of that picture. While I do understand that everyone has certain things they want in life it is far too late for your fiance to decide that a singular family is one of them as you have had your son for 15 years and it is unreasonable of her to even assume that you would cut him out of your life. I have to say if this was me I would be up the walls with rage and even more insulted to think she would not trust your son around her baby if he had never done anything to give her cause for concern. Sorry I know you said you fiance is kind and I am sure she has good qualities but these do not sound like the actions of a nice person.

As metrovelvet suggest maybe counselling could be an option for you both as something has to be done to try and resolve this.

ed2hands

sunflower27:
There is absolutely nothing my older son did that would make her distrust him. He's just a normal teen kid. Yea he leaves the towels on the bathroom floor after a shower and used her hairbrush once without permission; you get the picture. Of course these things are no grounds for such harsh treatment. She just hates him coz he's his mothers son i'm sorry to say.

metrovelvet:
Your comments are brutally honest but valuable and welcome nonetheless. I've thought of counselling and maybe it can help. Money is so tight at the moment that it won't be affordable when we really need it (which is now).

Smashhits

ed2hands wrote: »

sunflower27:
There is absolutely nothing my older son did that would make her distrust him. He's just a normal teen kid. Yea he leaves the towels on the bathroom floor after a shower and used her hairbrush once without permission; you get the picture. Of course these things are no grounds for such harsh treatment. She just hates him coz he's his mothers son i'm sorry to say.

metrovelvet:
Your comments are brutally honest but valuable and welcome nonetheless. I've thought of counselling and maybe it can help. Money is so tight at the moment that it won't be affordable when we really need it (which is now).[/QUOTE]


Quote from accord.ie

1. How Much will Counselling Cost You?
   ACCORD is a non-profit organisation, but we do incur overheads in providing our service. To cover some of these costs there is a sliding scale of fees based on income. The cost of each session will be agreed upon at the Initial Clients Needs Assessment. No one is turned away from ACCORD due to lack of money.

ed2hands

AB1980:

I gave her the option to come, but also suggested she have time to herself. I didn't try to exclude her and she knows it. Thanks for the advice. I hear what you're saying.

Squiggler

Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services also have a sliding scale for costs http://www.mrcs.ie/site/. Went to them quite a few years ago. Very good and helpful. They also have the advantage of not being religiously affiliated.

Miss Fluff

metrovelvet wrote: »

I could not abide someone treating my son like that, a freezing out is as close to killing someone off that you can do within the law. Your poor son, that must be so hurtful for both of you.

This. What she is doing is so cruel. Your poor little son, at such a vulnerable age too. Not to be too fatalistic about it but I'd start looking for legal advice if I were you, I'm not sure whether I'd be able to forgive that kind of cruelty.
If you do think the relationship is worth saving then you need to go to counselling asap. I appreciate that money is tight but I think a lot of counsellors would take that into account. Ultimatums and heavy silences aren't going to fix this. You need to involve a third party.

metrovelvet

Miss Fluff wrote: »

This. What she is doing is so cruel. Your poor little son, at such a vulnerable age too. Not to be too fatalistic about it but I'd start looking for legal advice if I were you, I'm not sure whether I'd be able to forgive that kind of cruelty.
If you do think the relationship is worth saving then you need to go to counselling asap. I appreciate that money is tight but I think a lot of counsellors would take that into account. Ultimatums and heavy silences aren't going to fix this. You need to involve a third party.

That is absolutely right. This is cruelty. No less than. And the more it goes on the more normal it will become not just for you but for both of your children, and your youngest one will grow up to think this is how one should be treated and how to treat others too.

Justask

Im so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, BUT your eldest son is part of you and you both come as a package...she has no right to say she doesnt think your eldest sons mum shouldnt have had him!!!

You say he is teenager so 13 or upwards, he has been in ur life for 13 or more years! ur partner has been around 2! I think she is very vey selish to treat your son in this manner! And there is no way anyone would treat my son in that way...imo you need to sit her down and ask her how she would feel if someone treated her baby like that! :mad:

Teenage boys have alot going on in their heads and adding to it is just not acceptable!
Sorry i this comes across as hard but at the end of the day your kids come first no matter what

analucija

First things first, I'm not going to defend her but I do have to point out couple of things. I don't know where your girlfriend is from but in many countries abortion would be an obvious choice when getting pregnant really young. I assume you are also financially supporting your first son. Since money is tight that could be also a reason for resentment. Get counseling or at least have a long conversation why she doesn't like your son and then you will know better what to do.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Justask

analucija wrote: »

First things first, I'm not going to defend her but I do have to point out couple of things. I don't know where your girlfriend is from but in many countries abortion would be an obvious choice when getting pregnant really young. I assume you are also financially supporting your first son. Since money is tight that could be also a reason for resentment. Get counseling or at least have a long conversation why she doesn't like your son and then you will know better what to do.

What goes on in her country has nothing to do with this mans eldest son, she has no right what so ever to say anything of the sort that the mother should not have had her son

analucija

Justask wrote: »

What goes on in her country has nothing to do with this mans eldest son, she has no right what so ever to say anything of the sort that the mother should not have had her son

I'm just saying it would be harder to comprehend why anybody would want a child young. Two of my school mates got pregnant in high school and both had an abortion. I know one girl from my generation who had a child being under 20. It is just that abortion would be a "natural" thing to do in her country and she might resent the mother for that. (then again she might be polish and they are fairly strict about abortion too).

I think she is extremely unfair but only choice I see is either break up or talk to her and find out all the reasons for her hostility and see if they can work out something.

metrovelvet

^ Yeah ok.:rolleyes:

It's just a round about way of saying 'I wish he didnt exist."

Just wait till the biomom gets wind of how her son is being treated by his stepmother.

ed2hands

Too right Justask. Thanks a mill to you and everyone for the helpful advice. It's a load off and will help me to get this sorted.
She told me today that she will come down on Sunday for a few hours but that it, so this time i'll benefit her with the fact that she doesn't want to be apart from her baby just yet as AB1980! pointed out and let it go. Still a slap in the face though.

Justask

ed2hands wrote: »

Too right Justask. Thanks a mill to you and everyone for the helpful advice. It's a load off and will help me to get this sorted.
She told me today that she will come down on Sunday for a few hours but that it, so this time i'll benefit her with the fact that she doesn't want to be apart from her baby just yet as AB1980! pointed out and let it go. Still a slap in the face though.

You need to do whats right for you and your kids! she is only thinking of her and her baby (well depriving him a relationship with his brother is not really doing the right thing either) but she thinks shes doing right!

Partners come and go (in some cases) kids never ever go! they are with u for life
Best of luck to u and you kids

Distorted

Good for you for sticking to your guns and protecting your (first) son. It would be horrible for a boy not to have a supportive father and you are doing exactly the right things. Why someone should object to that, I cannot imagine. Can she not place herself in your eldest son's position and imagine what it would have been like for her? If not, then she is a strange sort of person. Does she show a nasty attitude towards other things, or is it just this (major) issue?

The best you can say for her is something like maybe she feels insecure because she too has a son with you and is unmarried (pot kettle black re her comments about your first son's mother). Or you could say she is money oriented, controlling and manipulative and wants more for herself.

Was your second son with her planned or a happy accident?

Justask

Distorted wrote: »

Good for you for sticking to your guns and protecting your (first) son. It would be horrible for a boy not to have a supportive father and you are doing exactly the right things. Why someone should object to that, I cannot imagine. Can she not place herself in your eldest son's position and imagine what it would have been like for her? If not, then she is a strange sort of person. Does she show a nasty attitude towards other things, or is it just this (major) issue?

The best you can say for her is something like maybe she feels insecure because she too has a son with you and is unmarried (pot kettle black re her comments about your first son's mother). Or you could say she is money oriented, controlling and manipulative and wants more for herself.

Was your second son with her planned or a happy accident?

"happy accident" love that going to rob that phrase

ed2hands

Distorted:
My baby son was planned but came a little earlier than we expected:)

I don't see anything wrong with any of the arguments put forward by the kind people that have advised me today. It is wrong of her to be doing this; it's clear as day. What i wanted and hoped for is a quick fix. That aint gonna happen i know.
I have fleshed this out with her on many occasions using many approaches including "How would you like it if your son...
"It's not his fault he was born...
etc etc etc...
She is just so stubborn about it and lets be honest; it is abuse.
Teen son has a thick skin and he laughs it off now saying "..o she's in a bad mood again Dad, nothing new there.."
Deep down he was hurting though. I couls tell. Every kid longs to be accepted and loved. Tragic situation; all the more tragic because it's so easy to fix. Counsellor i don't envy you this task...

Thanks so much guys.

Justask

ed2hands wrote: »

Distorted:
My baby son was planned but came a little earlier than we expected:)

I don't see anything wrong with any of the arguments put forward by the kind people that have advised me today. It is wrong of her to be doing this; it's clear as day. What i wanted and hoped for is a quick fix. That aint gonna happen i know.
I have fleshed this out with her on many occasions using many approaches including "How would you like it if your son...
"It's not his fault he was born...
etc etc etc...
She is just so stubborn about it and lets be honest; it is abuse.
Teen son has a thick skin and he laughs it off now saying "..o she's in a bad mood again Dad, nothing new there.."
Deep down he was hurting though. I couls tell. Every kid longs to be accepted and loved. Tragic situation; all the more tragic because it's so easy to fix. Counsellor i don't envy you this task...

Thanks so much guys.

Would you consider showing her this thread???? Maybe if she saw how wrong other people see it might make her think!
Has she ever got on with you older son?
Just an idea
:pac:

Memnoch

OP,
Don't show her this thread, she is likely to see it as a betrayal and will fly off the handle more. You don't want to push people into corners (especially when they are in the wrong) cause then they will feel like they have no choice but to fight back.

There must be some good qualities in her that made you fall in love and want to have a child. These haven't disappeared over night. People are not black and white, we all have our difficulties and attitudes that are negative and balance out our good sides. The key is to get her to focus on her positive attributes and push back her negative attitude and treatment of your son, but this is a slow process.

Counselling is a very good idea. As for being able to afford it, there are many areas where there are free counselling services available, especially for families. There might be a short waiting list but if cash is an issue then you should look into what's set up in your area. Your GP might have the relevant info otherwise ask your local Community Welfare officer or Social Worker. (You don't need to tell them why, just say you need information about what's available in the area.)

Best of luck.

ed2hands

Thanks Menmoth. I won't be showing her this thread as it would be counter-productive at this stage. I just wanted advice which i've gotten thanks to the above posters.
I don't want to humiliate her as there is love still there. Perhaps the counselling will help.

ed2hands

Justask:

She got on with him a little bit at the start, but was always distant and generally resentful of the time we spent together especially during the pregnancy. When baba was born, i didn't see teen for the first few weeks, but it soon resorted to the same when he was back visiting.
I think that whatever the issue, when stubborn people make up their mind about something, it's very hard to change their minds even though they know they're in the wrong.

metrovelvet

Try to take a step back and ask yourself what you would tell your son if he found himself in this position.

I dont think you should show her this thread either. She will have another excuse to be angry and resentful.

I feel if you give into this you are doomed. Everytime you give into a bully they get a little bit stronger. If someone can get you to give up your son, they can get you to do anything, and they know it.

And your son is 16. He may look like a man. He is still a child. It's child abuse.

To me this is a non starter. If someone said any of these things to me about my son, they would be very quickly told to take a long hike off a pier. I wouldnt care if it was mother theresa or nelson mandela or my own family.

Kimia

To be honest OP, I'm shocked that you're even entertaining her nonsense. I know it's a difficult situation but for me, it would be completely non-negotiable and there would be no confusion about this. You and your elder son are a package, he cannot be phased out and for her to make these comments and act this way is sickening. I wouldn't be able to love someone who treated my son like this.

I know it's so difficult because it must feel like you're choosing between baby in a way and older son, but a very firm talk needs to be had. You need to really put your foot down with this and stop giving in to her demands.

You literally need to say that it is not up for discussion, your oldest son will always be around and it's not something you will argue about again. It's done and be firm, if she says horrible things about him again (my blood boiled when she said she didn't want him around her child) I would have it out. If it were me I'd lose the rag altogether tbh. What a bítch. Sorry.

Beruthiel

ed2hands wrote: »

The problem is that my current partner has major issues with my son and his mother. She is of the opinion that she should never have had the child because we were never together. She thinks that i have been used and that probably he is not even mine.

I have not read the rest of the replies OP, so don't know if I'm repeating advice.
I just had to comment on the above. It made me see red.
When I first met my now husband 11 years ago, my daughter was 12.
Luckily for me, they got on like a house on fire, still do.
But,
if anyone had ever said to me what your current g/f said about your son, they would have been dumped like a hot potato.

The absolute gall of her to think she can turn around to you and speak about your son like that.
To even think she has permission to comment on whither he's your son or not.
How have you not read her the riot act?

Do not allow this woman to ruin, what seems like a wonderful relationship with your son. You would regret that till the day you die.

Her bitterness, resentment and jealously will make it impossible for you to continue a relationship with her.

Make sure joint custody is in place for your baby.
See a solicitor.

Best of luck!

ed2hands

Fair points Beruthial and Kimia.

I have had this out with her a few times at this stage. I felt like leaving her every time she was like that with him or when she refers to him as a "brat". Grrrr!! She knows how to wind me up alright, and accuses ME of abuse when i have lost the rag about this before. Well i didn't abuse her; i was just livid and let her know it.

Then after the visit i suppose things would calm down and.. not that it was forgotten about by me, but we were busy with our own baby and life so we would get on ok for a couple of weeks. But it's there in my head.

She never gave teen son a chance. He's such a great guy if she bothered to get to know him. She just lumps him in with all the other rowdy kids she sees on street corners coz he likes to wear white track suits and gels his hair. I admit myself he looks like a bit of a muppet at the mo:), but he'll grow out of that. He's always been so nice to her; thank god he has a thick skin. Yea he got caught smoking once and had a fight in school but he's near the top of his class and captain of his rugby team. He's not a brat. Well he is the odd time, but the way i see it his mother and me are the only ones allowed to call him a brat. Even if he was one, she has no right to call him that. Does that make sense??

This is a love/hate relationship. I love her sometimes and i despise her when she is doing what she does. So as much as i feel like walking away from the relationship, she becomes her normal self again for a while things are ok. It's a complete dilemna for me what to do...

Somethings gonna give soon and you can bet it's not my fatherly duties to my precious older child.

metrovelvet

While I can see you are torn in two, my sympathies are limited here. THe longer you put up with this, the longer you let this go on, the more you become as part of the problem as she is. Ultimately, this is not her child, this is YOUR child and your responsibility to stand up for him and protect him, and the bottom line is, you are letting it happen.

I know its tricky now that the two of you have your own baby, and now she has more leverage in throwing her weight around about this, but you have to stop this in its tracks and now.

Neyite

I wonder did she have it in the back of her head that if she gave you a son, that you wouldnt bother anymore with the one you already have?

I do know someone who genuinely thought that if she gave a married man she was seeing a son, that he would leave his wife (and other sons) for her. So she did, and he didnt, and as stupid as it sounds, she totally didnt see it coming, she had deluded herself so long. It might be that she is jealous on your baby son's behalf if you understand me.

on the other hand, she could be trying to estrange you from your older son in a misguided attempt to secure her son as your main beneficiary to any assets you have.

But to say that he should have been aborted is vicious, I dont know anyone who would say that about the child of the person they love.

what she or others in her culture may or may not have done at the age your ex was when she got pregnant is entirely irrelevant, and at this late stage, almost comical in its childishness if it didnt hurt so much. I cant imagine saying this about a child is acceptable in any language or culture.

I know you say that you love her, but I am struggling to understand how if this is what she said about your flesh and blood. But, if you do want to continue with this, sort guardianship of your baby, and insist on counselling for her to accept this is a blended family or do yourself a favour and have a serious rethink about committing to her legally.

LegacyUser

Reading this thread I completely agree with the other posters.

I can personally relate to this story. As a child myself and my sibling were treated passive agressively, agressively and ignored by my father's partner. At various stages she forbade him from seeing us and he did so covertly so she wouldn't freak out.

Mostly I guess this had to do with our mother and his partner's insecurities but no matter the reason it has had a huge emotional effect on me and my sibling.

OP the thing that will hurt your son most is not the treatment by your girlfriend, although obviously that's very hurtful, but the fact that his father wanted to be with someone who hates him.

I will never be able to understand how my father wanted to be with someone who treated his (young) children so badly.

I'm not advising you to break up with your partner as that's not necessarily the only solution here but DO stand up for your son and make sure that HE KNOWS you are on his side, otherwise risk long term damage to your relationship.

I hope it all works out well for you.

ABajaninCork

It is very sad to see that this woman is so obviously jealous of your son - A CHILD. Jealousy born of insecurity and uncertainty.

I've seen this before in my own family, and it's not pretty. The woman even tried to involve me in her attention-seeking nonsense. I very firmly told her to get help and soon if she didn't want to lose her children.

The other posters are right. Your son didn't just appear in a puff of smoke. He was around long before she was, and will be around long after (if) she's gone. You and your son are a package. It's not negotiable. If she didn't want to take on your son, that's fine, but she shouldn't have got into a relationship with you if that was the case.

But - now she has her own son. And it does look as though she's trying to make you choose. If she forces the issue, she could be making the biggest mistake of her life. Does she not realise your son is her baby's half brother? Related by blood. Alienating him will damage both your oldest son AND the baby and bring even more problems if she's (and you) not careful.

I agree counselling could be the way to go here. Maybe for you and your partner to begin with, then some counselling with your son later on. Is your partner open to the idea of counselling?

You need to have a long talk with her. Point out that you have a great relationship with your son, and you want that to continue. You want him to visit you, visit his grandparents and spend time with his little brother. You want to have the same good relationship with the baby. You would also appreciate it if she were at least polite whilst your son is visiting, and will not tolerate any more nastiness towards and about him. She doesn't have to like him, but at least treat him with some civility.

Like I say, I don't think this is negotiable. You sound like a very nice man and a loving father. Don't be bullied into making a choice and feeding your partner's insecurities.

I wish you and your sons the very best of luck, and hope I've helped in a small way.

bronte

What age is she Op? She sounds incredibly selfish and needs to grow up.
I know you're between a rock and a hard place, but I really feel for your elder kid....if she can't accept him, I really don't see the relationship lasting.

Taltos

OP - your last post seemed spot on.
Just one thing - I am afraid that your pride in your son may be blinding you a little. You keep saying that he has thick skin etc - however he is a teenager - cast your mind back to you then... Ruled by hormones - and if like me - you acted tougher than you were. For all his outward bravery this might well be eating at him inside and at his self-confidence at quite a critical time in his life.

You have to 100% set your "current" g/f straight - especially in how she refers to him. Also please please ensure that if you see any of this disrespect occuring in front of him - that you jump in immediately - he needs not just words from you - but to see that you are there for him - might wake her up too..

Best of luck - again as per one of the posters above see a solicitor and see about rights to the newborn, I cannot see your g/f changing anytime soon...

ed2hands

The relationship is over. She is moving out tomorrow. We just can't get on. Such a shame. Devastated.

ABajaninCork

Very sorry to learn of this OP. All you can do now is look after yourself and your sons.

Make legal arrangements ASAP to secure access/visitation to your baby, and to pay maintenance. Do everything by the book. You need to cover yourself and protect your sons.

I wish you strength and all the very best.:)

missgroovy21

how i see it is your fiance is jealous of the mother of your other son plain and simple.....the reason i know is because it has happened me in a quite similar situation.....

(1) thats her problem not yours she shouldnt be taking things out on you
(2) you've every right to take your kids to see their grandmother
(3) you did the decent thing by telling her thats what you are doing

shes thinking when she sees your teenage son.....that (1) you love him more than the baby (2) you have more of a bond with the other lady that you do with her and it sickens her.....none of which are true of course but she cant help feeling that way.....

take ur kids to see the grandmother let her sweat.....might be good for even a day apart!!! then have a heart to heart when you get back tell her that shes driving you away....that you love her but you cant go on like this because its tearing you apart....maybe counselling but shouldnt be a first option....

good luck