How do you decide who to invite when there is a row in the family?

newbride11

As the title suggests. I'm trying to do a quick list of who we would like to invite to our wedding & there's a few issues I'm struggling on.

My uncle doesn't speak to my mother or my aunt (his sis). It's an ongoing row that will only end when they are all six feet under, sorry to be so morbid. Now he has never done anything to me personally but out of respect for my mother & my aunt I don't want to invite him. But if I don't invite him I'm afraid I'll be hurting my fathers feelings.

To be honest I rarely see him or his family but I'm kind of torn as to what to do. Both my sisters have had him at their wedding & the day was slightly overshadowed by us, the bridesmaids, hoping they wouldn't bump into each other as it would be awkward.

So, if you were in my shoes what would you do?

I know my mother would be put out but sure she's not the easiest to please anyway typical Irish mammy! My aunt who is an absolute dote
definately wouldn't be comfortable but would be too quiet to say anything. And my father would play the old 'sure who knows when we will meet up again' card even though he rarely sees him also.

Wolfe Tone

Its your wedding, invite who you want, forget about pleasing others, its your day.

newbride11

I know the argument of it's your day etc but I was just wondering other peoples views on it.
Whatever I do I'm going to be stepping on someones toes.
Just wondering if anyone else had an experience like this before.

reverenddave

my wifes parents didn't speak for nearly 15 years
we invited both and surprisingly they actually were quite nice to each other
i think given the occasion they were bound to at least say hi

also i didnt speak to my oldest sister for 6-7 years and i didn't want to invite her but my wife insisted (assuming she wouldn't turn up) but she did and now although we're not exactly best friends there is an occasional facebook Msg


so anyway i say invite whoever YOU want to if bickering relatives do end up bickering tell them to do it outside, or fúck off,
trust me when it comes to the day itself it really wont matter

rocco.

invite the funniest one

ElectraX

Just for clarification, is this your father's brother you are talking about? You mention that you don't see him very often, so in that case even if there was not a family tension, I don't think you should feel obliged to invite him.
I do know someone with feuding siblings, and obviously wanted both her brother and sister at her big day. She was sensitive with the seating arrangements and they just kept out of each others way and there was no issues. They put their personal feelings aside to make sure she had a great stress free wedding.
It doesn't sound like you are particularly close to this uncle, so in that case, unless it would actually mean something to you to have him there, I'd probably leave him off the list.
If it would add to your day to have him there, then I think your mum and aunt will accept it and just keep a civilised distance for the day. If you are only inviting him to keep your dad happy, you'll probably regret it because you'll be making people you are much closer to(your mum and aunt) feel uncomfortable.
Ultimately it is your day, and you'll never keep everyone happy!!

newbride11

ElectraX wrote: »

Just for clarification, is this your father's brother you are talking about? You mention that you don't see him very often, so in that case even if there was not a family tension, I don't think you should feel obliged to invite him.
I do know someone with feuding siblings, and obviously wanted both her brother and sister at her big day. She was sensitive with the seating arrangements and they just kept out of each others way and there was no issues. They put their personal feelings aside to make sure she had a great stress free wedding.
It doesn't sound like you are particularly close to this uncle, so in that case, unless it would actually mean something to you to have him there, I'd probably leave him off the list.
If it would add to your day to have him there, then I think your mum and aunt will accept it and just keep a civilised distance for the day. If you are only inviting him to keep your dad happy, you'll probably regret it because you'll be making people you are much closer to(your mum and aunt) feel uncomfortable.
Ultimately it is your day, and you'll never keep everyone happy!!

Yes it's my fathers brother.
No I rarely see him so we are certainly not close.
I'd like to think my mother would keep a civilised distance but I can't be 100% sure. My aunt is a different story, she just doesn't fight with people even when provoked.

You see my father hasn't had the best of health the last few years so the fact that he will (hopefully) be there at all is defying doctors predictions. This is why I'm wondering should I invite his brother.

Would an evening invitation be a complete insult to give him?

Or if I don't decide to invite him how do I say it to my father that it's just not worth the hassle?

sweetie

Do what you feel is right for you. Maybe your mother will relent considering your father's health. Have you spoken to her about it?
We didnt invite my father's sister or family due to a fall out and whilst we don't regret it it now turns out she is serously ill and this could have been a factor in the falling out years ago.

uberwolf

been through this. Didn't invite those who wouldn't have been conducive to a positive atmosphere. It's a celebration, those who would impede that weren't welcome.

ElectraX

I can understand how you are conscious of what your dad would like given his health, but you do mention that he doesn't see his brother very often, suggesting that maybe his presence at the wedding mightn't be as big a deal to him as you think.
Some people will invite who they want regardless of anyone elses feelings. You seem to be already worried about the negative impact of him being there, which means you could end up super stressed out on the day itself. The last thing you want is to be looking over your shoulder all day to see if there's any family dramas brewing.
Given that you are so adamant that you are not close to this uncle, I don't think I'd bother inviting him. I think your dad will understand more than you think, you can even explain it to him by saying that you only want close family there, and not an uncle you rarely see.

newbride11 wrote: »

Would an evening invitation be a complete insult to give him?

Don't think it would be an insult, but if you are doing it as damage control, I think if there is going to be an outbust from your mum, it's more likely to be later on in the evening after the wine has been flowing for a few hours:D

Borderfox

Elope?? I met my mum and she starts giving me a list of whos coming to my wedding, no way jose

kandr10

Not to be presumptuous but I'd assume your mother would want this to be a happy day for you. Would she really start having words with your uncle given the occasion and the fact your asking him for your dad's sake? You obviously know her better than anyone but it's something to consider.

Sergio

Why dont you speak to your Dad and and ask him what he thinks.Surely he is well aware that his wife (your mother) doesnt get on with him so his loyalty should surely be to her.
Id have a chat with him if i were you!

CathyMoran

Weddings can get like that where you have everyone telling you who you have to invite - in the end of the day it is your wedding, invite who you want.

tinkerbell

If you don't want him there, don't invite him. It's your day. Why should you have to fork out money to pay for a meal etc for a man you don't like?

OS119

newbride11 wrote: »

...see my father hasn't had the best of health the last few years so the fact that he will (hopefully) be there at all is defying doctors predictions. This is why I'm wondering should I invite his brother...

the simple answer - in terms of 'how will my dad feel?' - is that if this family thing were so important to him he would see his brother rather more often. he doesn't, ergo this faux family togetherness isn't quite as important to him as either he makes out, or you think he thinks.

you hear the same tripe at funerals - lots of 'we must stay in contact', and 'we mustn't just meet at times like this', but its all false, there's a couple of emails/texts/calls/letters and then it just falls off - and theres a very good reason for that: people have grown apart, and they have formed complete lives that don't include all these relatives they haven't seen in years, so there's just no 'need' to stay in touch even if they say there is - and so they don't.

i wouldn't bother inviting your uncle - and yes, i think not only would he take an 'afters only' invite as an insult, and when the booze flows the issue would be more likely to kick off than if he were there for the whole thing.

explain it to your dad - he's not part of your life, and people who are part of your life don't like him.

jimmycrackcorm

Only invite people you are close to or have some regular contact.