bf used to fancy TVs (sorry v long)

LegacyUser

Please give me some advice as i am in an apsolute state and do not feel i can ever get over this.
Me and my bf are together 3 years, he is the love of my life, we did everything together, same hobbies, he was a really sensitive and brilliant bf. But on fri everything changed, I acidently logged on to his hotmail account (he was signed in when i went to check my emails), this was using his i-phone in the car. I saw emails from different dating websites. I was so shocked, I coudlt even believe what i was seeing. He had never given me any idication that anything was other than perfect in our relationship. I said it to him and he reacted very badly, took the phone off me and logged out, major arguement and he ended up getting out of the car and walking. Anyway later that night we talked and he explained that he had been a member of a dating site before we met and that they emailed him every 2/3 months with updates. That he had decided to go on to it and delete his account but after logging on again he started getting way more mail and that he only reacted that way as he was so embarrassed to have been on a dating site.
ANYWAY stupidly i believed all this, but i rem'd his profile name as I had seen it in the emails. So on sun I googled it, and i discovered he was a memebr of all these different sites for transvestites and transexuals. He has a profile on one of them describing himself as bi and looking for a TV/TS for fun, and another one saying he was new to this scene but very curious. There didnt seem to have been any activity on them for some years and the only date i could find was from before I met him, but i know he had deleted as much as he could.
I am so shocked, this is a complete and utter surprise, he is the opposite of someone you think would be into this kind of thing. He says it was a strange fetish thing he went through, but that it was only a phase and that he never did anything, that he could never have actually gone through with it. But surely this is not something that you could have a 'phase' with?
I feel like my life is over, my entire future was planned out with this man and I was so so happy. I cannot eat and I feel so sick. Please give me any advice you can..
thanks

missmelo

Hi,

I think you should believe what the love of your life is telling you, we all get curious about things sometimes, he was obviously embarrassed that you saw this, it would have been hard for him, and as you have said there was no activity since before you met, you should just focus on been happy with your partner.

God Bless

cafecolour

Hmm. It's pretty hard to tell, but his story is definitely plausible, in terms of not having been active on the sites in years (and your investigation backing that up). He would've hardly expected to be caught, so I doubt he would've gone and deleted everything recent but left old stuff.

As for liking TVs, well, as gay man, I've never been interested in them, and neither have any of my gay friends. I have, however, known at least three (!) predominantly straight but experimental friends who have given them a whirl.

In general, guys who are in to TVs (actually TVs, not drag queens) are more straight than gay - they want something mostly feminine (in appearance, in manner, with breasts) but also wanted to play with another penis (almost as an accessory). Versus most gay guys want a guy (and the penis).

So overall it definitely could be legitimately as he says - he loves and is attracted to you, it was a passing phase, etc.

However, there's no guarantees. Maybe it's a fetish that keeps rearing it's head. Maybe he loves you and is attracted to you but fantasizes about you using a strap-on on occasion, who knows. Honestly, instead of him just saying "its over, don't worry about it, I'm 100% normal now" - which isn't quelling your feels - I'd sit down and have an honest, non-judgmental conversation with him about what sort of things exactly he continues to fantasize about.

Taltos

Definitely have an open and frank talk - but wait until you both cool down abit. You have to do your best to hear him out without getting too emotional or his shutters will drop and you may never get to hear what you need to.

Just don't let yourself be rushed by him or by yourself into making a decision yet until you have more facts and are of a fit state to do so.

Personally I don't see the attraction of TVs but that is me. As far as I know none of my friends admit to this fetish, but that is I guess why it is called a fetish. What you might want to find out is it a fetish he is fully over or is it something that could rear back up in a while...

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the advice. I have spoken to him about this and he still claims that it was a phase, that he doesnt fantasize about them anymore, that he doesnt understand why he ever did etc etc. That when he watches porn now it is always 'normal' porn. But he might only be saying that because i reacted badly to finding out about the whole TV facination, he might still have an interest but be afraid to say.. i dont know.
I also do not know if I can trust him again seeing as there was this major thing I never knew and I thought I knew him inside out, and he also lied to me so much about this but i do sort of understand why as he was really afraid of me finding out.
I am somewhat relieved that TV's are not something gay men seem to be into although as they mostly have male genetalia I do find this difficult also to understand.
I dont think I want to break up with him as he is my whole life and I am so upset, the thought of getting back with him consoles me somewhat, but at the same time I am thinking what if I never know the full truth or what if I cannot trust him, or if after a few years when our own sex life loses its excitement he feels the need to resort to this again. I also think that this new found knowledge may effect how I see him sexually but I'm not sure, as in if this is in the back of my head it may get in the way of our own sex life.
God I really am so confused

Zen65

cannot_cope wrote: »

I feel like my life is over, my entire future was planned out with this man and I was so so happy. I cannot eat and I feel so sick. Please give me any advice you can..
thanks

Hi Op,

You should not consider that your life is over. I believe that you may incorrectly be thinking that your bf is gay or bi?

As another poster has already pointed out, gay men are not generally turned on by Transvestite nor Transexual men. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but I'm fairly sure that it is correct, and Cafecolour would seem to back that up. A percentage of straight men are attracted to TV's for a variety of reasons, including -

* Curiosity! Honestly, men will do the oddest things to satisfy their sense of curiosity.
* A love of overtly feminine trappings (ladies' shoes, apparel, make-up, stockings etc). Oddly enough, TV's often exaggerate these overtly feminine symbols more than women. A TV would never wear ugly nor unflattering shoes
* A love of "powerful" women (where the male genitalia is seen as a symbol of "power")
* A desire to be sexually submissive to a woman (requiring that the "woman" is equipped to take charge of the sexual activity).

I have read somewhere on the internet (can't find the link for you now I'm afraid) that in a majority of cases the interest straight men have for TV's is more in the mind than in practice i.e. given the chance, such men would not actually wish to become physical with a TV. I think if you do some research online you may find the article, or others which concur.

So I think (based only on what you've told us in your OP) that your bf is probably being honest in that he "went through a phase" and didn't do anything about it. I doubt he's gay or bi if you have not noticed any such inclinations in other ways.

I suggest you give the poor guy a break and don't judge him for what he was surfing before he met you. I've read of far more objectionable fetishes here in the PI threads over the last few months.

BTW.... I was curious as to why he needed a profile for himself, but I suspect that some sites won't let you browse their content without registering?? If registration is necessary it may have been a requirement that he refer to himself as "bi". Such websites were not in existence when I was young enough to have any bizarre curiosities so I honestly don't know how they work.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP here. Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply, especially to Zen as your reply has made me feel so much better, I did not feel I had anyone to talk to about this and as I usually share all my concers/worries with my bf it was horrible feeling so alone about this. I was definately initially so worried that he must secretly be gay, I kept thinking that he must only be with me as its the 'correct' thing to do, have a gf etc and that secretly he would obviously prefer to be with a man but I realise now I was very ignorant to the whole TV scene. I have done alot of reading on the internet and from what I gather it is certainly predominently straight men who are into/factinated by them. I still find it hard to understand, and difficult especially as I am not a 'girly girl' so keep wondering how he can fancy me if this is what he is into, he also used to always say he prefers me natural, without make up etc so that seems to be a contradiction.
But from when I heard about this my initial reaction was to want to work through it, but I just felt I was probably being an idiot and not being strong enough to walk away even though that was the best course of action. I though if anyone ever found out I stayed with him after finding out something like this they would think it was my own fault if something went wrong further down the line as I had this massive 'get-out' sign and chose to ignore it. But now I am beginning to realise that there may be hope, that he MAY be being honest with me, and that even if he isnt and he still does have a thing for TV women that it is not the worst thing in the world as long as he does nothing to interfere with our relationship and aslong as he is being straight with me about never acting on this fantasy. And I also realise that he is almost certainly straight which comes as a major relief and has stopped me feeling so disgusted with myself.
I think I will talk to him tomorrow about the possibility of trying to work through all this is he is honest and open with me, and if it is definately what he wants,
thanks again.

Taltos

If this is really all in the past - and I mean 100% before you are together do what you can to put it behind you. Whether you like it or not that interest will have had a part in shaping him to be the person he is now. Also depending on his age it could well have been pure curiosity.

In terms of trust - well if you are happy he has now been truthful with you about this you can start to rebuild the trust again. Now, please don't take this as a green-card to demand to know all his innermost thoughts - instead use it as a means to greater and more open communication.
Remember - we are each allowed to keep a small part of us safe, we are also allowed to have had a past before we meet our partners, and for some of us those pasts are rather off forgotten, sometimes totally. If I think back to my hormone driven years I was a raving lunatic.

I guess what I am saying is that it is not really fair to beat him up about choices he made before he was with you, nor is it fair to beat him up about trying to forget about that. Now that you do know though he should be encouraged to be honest with you though. Provided he was safe and never took risks that could put you in danger today he deserves his privacy. On another note though, reacting like he did around the mobile is odd, could be shame, but I wonder if there was an element of him that wanted you to find this out about him... I guess we have all read/heard stories of folk after years of marriage find out their OH has lied and they lose the person they love through this - just do what you can to be sure this won't happen to you, i.e. if that fetish is still present and he is driven to act on it or arrange hook ups you need to know now and not in 10yrs when someone decides to surprise you...

Remember take it slowly and don't be rushed or guilted into doing anything here.

Cheap Thrills!

cannot_cope wrote: »

He says it was a strange fetish thing he went through, but that it was only a phase and that he never did anything, that he could never have actually gone through with it. But surely this is not something that you could have a 'phase' with?

Hi OP, that's an awful shock for you. I'm afraid the 'it was just a phase' is probably the oldest excuse in the book.

Either a person is interested in something or they're not. I don't believe he never did anything and wouldn't have gone through with it.

I'm so sorry but I don't think you should believe or trust him. He lied and trust is not supposed to be given blindly but earned.

He has deceived you. If you turn a blind eye on this big red flag now then it will come back to bite you tenfold later on.

Cheap Thrills!

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hi OP, that's an awful shock for you. I'm afraid the 'it was just a phase' is probably the oldest excuse in the book.

Either a person is interested in something or they're not. I don't believe he never did anything and wouldn't have gone through with it.

I'm so sorry but I don't think you should believe or trust him. He lied and trust is not supposed to be given blindly but earned.

He has deceived you. If you turn a blind eye on this big red flag now then it will come back to bite you tenfold later on.

What exactly did he lie about though?

ibarelycare

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hi OP, that's an awful shock for you. I'm afraid the 'it was just a phase' is probably the oldest excuse in the book.

Either a person is interested in something or they're not. I don't believe he never did anything and wouldn't have gone through with it.

I'm so sorry but I don't think you should believe or trust him. He lied and trust is not supposed to be given blindly but earned.

He has deceived you. If you turn a blind eye on this big red flag now then it will come back to bite you tenfold later on.

How has he deceived her? It's not necessary to tell a partner everything about your life before you met them, be it sex life or otherwise.

And even if it wasn't a phase, what's the problem? He could still have a curiosity about transvestites but as long as he doesn't act on it, then he's not doing anything wrong. I'm sure a lot of us have had fantasies that we keep secret from partners.

The poor guy is obviously mortified, but OP I think you should be more understanding and open minded. He's not sick, he just has/had a sexual interest in something that is alien to you. He's still the same person that you've been in love with for the past three years.

Cheap Thrills!

He claimed he was a member only of 'a dating site' (singular) and that all the emails were unwanted but OP discovers that there was a number of memberships to these sites and he describes himself as 'bi'

So his initial story was that he was curious and joined one and then more or less got spammed. But OP discovered he has multiple memberships. Quite deliberately and specifically created by him.

He obviously has not presented himself as 'bi' to OP and like it or not that is a material fact that he has withheld from her. That is deceptive and manipulative. So as well as the above lie he has lied by omission.

If something is inherent in your sexuality it tends to remain a feature. He may try to suppress it but if it's there it's there.

It's definitely not necessary to tell everything about your sex life to a partner but there are some indisputable core facts that MUST be shared. In fact concealing them are considered grounds for divorce/annulment.

Your sexuality is one. If you present yourself as hetero then it's deceptive to conceal that you are in fact bi.

Straight men do not fantasise about other men. There is nothing wrong with doing so BUT if a man fantasises about another, then he is either gay or bi.

ibarelycare

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

He claimed he was a member only of 'a dating site' (singular) and that all the emails were unwanted but OP discovers that there was a number of memberships to these sites and he describes himself as 'bi'

So his initial story was that he was curious and joined one and then more or less got spammed. But OP discovered he has multiple memberships. Quite deliberately and specifically created by him.

The OP herself said that her bf doesn't seem to have had any activity on these profiles since she's been with him. I've signed up to a few dating sites at various stages over the years. There may have been some I used once or twice then completely forgot about and never went back to delete my profile. I'm sure it happens to a lot of people.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

He obviously has not presented himself as 'bi' to OP and like it or not that is a material fact that he has withheld from her. That is deceptive and manipulative. So as well as the above lie he has lied by omission.

Maybe he claimed to be bi on the dating sites as he thought it might look strange for a "straight" guy to be interested in transvestites. It's not unusual for a straight person to be curious about members of the same sex, it doesn't necessarily make them bisexual.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

If something is inherent in your sexuality it tends to remain a feature. He may try to suppress it but if it's there it's there.

Can you back this sentence up? Sounds like BS IMO.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

It's definitely not necessary to tell everything about your sex life to a partner but there are some indisputable core facts that MUST be shared. In fact concealing them are considered grounds for divorce/annulment.

Your sexuality is one. If you present yourself as hetero then it's deceptive to conceal that you are in fact bi.

Straight men do not fantasise about other men. There is nothing wrong with doing so BUT if a man fantasises about another, then he is either gay or bi.

It's not deceptive to conceal being bisexual. It is deceptive to conceal being homosexual if you marry, but that's because it means you're not actually sexually interested in your partner and you are being deceptive in marrying them. This wouldn't be the case with a bisexual person as they are sexually attracted to members of both sexes.

I've had sexual experiences with members of the same sex in the past. Are you telling me that if I were to marry and my husband found that out it would be grounds for divorce? :rolleyes:

Cheap Thrills!

ibarelycare wrote: »

Maybe he claimed to be bi on the dating sites as he thought it might look strange for a "straight" guy to be interested in transvestites.

He's right. It does look strange. But my point was/is he was deceptive.

ibarelycare wrote: »

It's not unusual for a straight person to be curious about members of the same sex, it doesn't necessarily make them bisexual.

Curious is one thing, but curious to the point of signing up for multiple sites and identifying yourself as bi -well I find that unlikely.

ibarelycare wrote: »

Can you back this sentence up? Sounds like BS IMO.

It's what I notice. Science tends to agree that sexuality is hard-wired into us. Although of course for every study backing it up there would probably be one to disprove it. I don't claim to be coming from a Scientists point of view. But I do notice on an anecdotal level, just merely being a human being on this planet from what I observe people tend to retain their characteristics throughout life, sexual and otherwise.

ibarelycare wrote: »

It's not deceptive to conceal being bisexual. It is deceptive to conceal being homosexual if you marry, but that's because it means you're not actually sexually interested in your partner and you are being deceptive in marrying them. This wouldn't be the case with a bisexual person as they are sexually attracted to members of both sexes.

And that's what I was basing my posts on. OP said 'my entire future was planned out with this man and I was so so happy.'

ibarelycare wrote: »

I've had sexual experiences with members of the same sex in the past. Are you telling me that if I were to marry and my husband found that out it would be grounds for divorce? :rolleyes:

Yes, if he wanted to. I don't make the law, but I do agree with that part of it. I would be angry if I married someone who didn't tell my they were bisexual, were a devout <insert religion> or had children I didn't know about.

Anyway my advice to OP is; think about if this important to you. You have to decide.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for your posts and opinions. Yes he did lie to me about it all, about both being a member of multiple different sites and also the type of sites. He tried to lie over and over until I proved without a shadow of a doubt that one of the profiles was him by going to 'contact user' and finding it linked to him email address. However, I didnt find any evidence to suggest that he used them while we were together. Then again I would think joining sites such as these is not something one would easily forget about so i do find it difficult to believe that he kept them open all this time and didnt use/check them.
I did think that he must have been gay/bi because of all this but I have done alot of research over the last couple of days and it does seem that this fetish is one shared predominently by straight men. I have no reason to suspect him as being gay or bi, he certainly doesnt seem in anyway to be either.
I do think that we will have difficulty regaining trust in our relationship, even now I cannot be sure he wasnt using these sites while we were together but he has always been v open with me, sharing passwords for email, phone, computer etc, allowing me to use all of the above at any time I wished, so really it wasnt as though I had any reason to be suspicious of him. I also find it difficult to understand how these 'women' could turn him on on the one hand and then also me on the other hand. It is difficult not to have doubts about myself in all this too, and that is another obstabcle if we are to get over all this.
however, I think I am willing to try and if he can be open with me I think this is something I might be able to come to terms with, especially if he is 100% happy with me and does not want to actaully do anything along those lines.
Thanks again for all the advice/support.

Cheap Thrills!

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

He's right. It does look strange. But my point was/is he was deceptive.

Who was he being deceptive to exactly? People are allowed to change their sexual preferences if they want to. He was saying that he was bi then, but this is not to say he is now - or at least that he is practicing. He never deceived her - not telling someone is not the same thing as telling a lie. You are not expected to tell every little thing of your life to your now other half.

Curious is one thing, but curious to the point of signing up for multiple sites and identifying yourself as bi -well I find that unlikely.

Signing up to multiple sites is not unlikely. Perhaps he just discovered that one site was not as good and he wanted to explore more.

Yes, if he wanted to. I don't make the law, but I do agree with that part of it. I would be angry if I married someone who didn't tell my they were bisexual, were a devout <insert religion> or had children I didn't know about.

Being a devout member of a religion or having unknown children is not the same as being bisexual or not. Just because a person is bisexual doesn't mean that they're going to do anything about it.

OP - talk to your boyfriend about this. Tell him your concerns, but remain level headed about it. This guy is ashamed about a part of his life he had forgotten or at least left behind.

LegacyUser

Wow OP, you could (almost) be me posting this.

My Boyfriend and I are together a long time. Recently by accident I discovered websites he had been visiting, and one chat site where he had a profile. I dug into the computer a bit more and discovered that he had been been visiting them maybe once every 5-6 months, on the odd day when I was out of the house all day and he was here on his own. They were chat sites, not dating sites, and he had a basic profile looking for sex chat.

I confronted him. (there may have been hysterics involved). He was so overcome by my reaction that it scared the wits out of him.Transpired it was something he started doing when we first started going out (years ago!).I was his first, and he had no real idea what to do with a woman, so he obviously went digging around the internet and found this stuff. He had been using it on and off, it became habit when he was bored from time to time.

Anyway, long story short he basically swore he would never ever use them again.My ultimatum was that it was me or those sites. Like you, we had our whole lives planned, so to say I was shocked, horrified, betrayed, sick to my stomach, panicked....the list was endless.

It's taken me quite a while to get past this. You need to talk to your boyfriend about this. I highly doubt he's gay, especially if there's been no activity on these accounts in a long time. I fully and wholly understand how you are feeling - I have been there myself. But what it comes down to is trust. I'm not going to say my relationship is perfect - I have mostly good days now, and the odd bad day.He knows he has to earn my trust back to a certain extent - sometimes I get a bit paranoid when he's going out the odd night with the lads, or with work. He has never cheated on me, or even flirted with someone else, but something like this puts all sorts of thoughts in your head.But I love him more than anything, and I know that he is a fantastic guy and would never intentionally hurt me.

You need to give this one time OP, and talk a lot.There's no point bottling this stuff up, because it just erupts later. Tell him how you feel, how confused you are and how hurt you are. Ask him what he thinks. Tell him that he might be embarassed and uncomfortable about it, but you need to know that this was something that happened years ago, and it's not a part of his life anymore.Tell him you're willing to move on, but that requires trust, and that's something that's been broken a bit. In my case, I was absolutely willing to commit to us, but it's not going to happen for you overnight.You'll still have the odd off day. Try not to let it consume you though, because you will drive yourself mad if so.

Best of luck OP, and from my side, it's also good to know that there's someone out there who feels as horrible about this stuff as I did. But take heart - you do get over it.

LegacyUser

Watery girl,
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Yes it is nice to know of someone in the same boat, even if that boat isnt the best place to be. I know that trusting him again will be a major hurdle but he has completely acknowledged that he needs to slowly regain my trust and that it will take time. I know that I will be paranoid for a while because of this but I do love him so much and I am willing to do anything to try and get past this. We really have been very happy together. I will never know whether he used those sites while with me or not but I have told him that I cannot stay with him if he intends using them again, it would not be something I could accept, personally. If i knew this was a part of his sexuality and something which he needed to pursue I would not have him 'turn off' this part of his life for me, I know that would never work. But he swears that this was a curiosity, a fetish that did turn him on for a while but that he lost interest in.
Hopefully it is in the past and we can start rebuilding things slowly now.
I know for some peaple reading this they probably think I am making too big a deal out of this, but it did come as a major major shock to me and it upset me greatly. It also destroyed my idea of our relationship being extremely open and trusting.

Taltos

cannot_cope wrote: »

Watery girl,
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Yes it is nice to know of someone in the same boat, even if that boat isnt the best place to be. I know that trusting him again will be a major hurdle but he has completely acknowledged that he needs to slowly regain my trust and that it will take time. I know that I will be paranoid for a while because of this but I do love him so much and I am willing to do anything to try and get past this. We really have been very happy together. I will never know whether he used those sites while with me or not but I have told him that I cannot stay with him if he intends using them again, it would not be something I could accept, personally. If i knew this was a part of his sexuality and something which he needed to pursue I would not have him 'turn off' this part of his life for me, I know that would never work. But he swears that this was a curiosity, a fetish that did turn him on for a while but that he lost interest in.
Hopefully it is in the past and we can start rebuilding things slowly now.
I know for some peaple reading this they probably think I am making too big a deal out of this, but it did come as a major major shock to me and it upset me greatly. It also destroyed my idea of our relationship being extremely open and trusting.

I think you are being very brave and sensible about all this.
As you said there is no way for you to know (trust) that he was not using these sites while you were going out - so why not draw a line in the sand as of today - give him the benefit of the doubt in that regard - but make it clear that you will not stand for anything like that ever again...
Take it slowly and hopefully you will soon find you can trust him again. It would be a shame to lose a relationship over actions from before he met you, though he does need to understand that his actions to hide this just painted him into a worse place...

LegacyUser

unfortunately I am not being so brave anymore. I did some more research (even though reading things he wrote and seeing the women he was attracted to makes me feel physically sick) and I have discoved he was a member of at least 8 different sites, both forums and dating sites, so no longer think it was just a curiosity. Also I found one with a join date from just last year. Its a forum and he claims to have only joined in order to find out about others experiences with regard to fancying TV's and then stopping but in fairness if you were over it you wouldnt go seeking out others who were over it also so that is very clearly a lie. And there are no dates on the others so I cannot tell when he joined them, I was probably codding myself in believeing they were all from before we met. So even though I still do not believe he cheated on me it is becoming increasingly obvious that this is something he is more into than he cares to admit. I dont think I can live with that, seeing those girls makes me wish that he never again fancies me physically, that he never had fancied me even, because I really hope to god I look nothing like them. I do not wish to insult anyone but they all have a distictive look and I cannot see its appeal in any shape or form.
I think the relationship is over much and all as it kills me to say it.

Zen65

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Straight men do not fantasise about other men. There is nothing wrong with doing so BUT if a man fantasises about another, then he is either gay or bi.

That's not true CT.

It is quite common for women to have lesbian fantasies, and yet be completely unable to get aroused near other women, and even to feel uncomfortable standing too close to women. The fantasy and the reality don't line up at all. Similarly women who fantasize about rape scenes would never find anything remotely erotic about being raped. A person may fantasize about things they consider to be completely unacceptable in real life. Within a fantasy, there is complete control and safety for the fantasist. In your fantasies you can apply filters to make the scenes seem appealing..... so men don't smell bad, or have stubble, or make you want to vomit when you stand close to them.

In my time as a young man there was no internet to explore any of my strange fantasies (which, in hindsight were both silly and innocent by today's standards) so there was never any trace of the things that crossed my fertile imagination. A problem for today's generation is that by exploring their fantasies online they leave traces for others to find in their browser histories, from which all sorts of silly conclusions might be drawn.

Op is quite right to accept that her bf is probably not gay nor bi. As for the level of deception, I think it was primarily to hide his old fantasies of which he is probably embarrassed. His attempt at deception is both understandable and clumsy, as he did not have the guile to hide his browser history in the manner that a truly deceptive person might.

If somebody asked me if I had ever had fantasies involving Olivia Newton-John I'd probably try to laugh that off and deny it (despite my Buddhist desire to always be honest)........ but in truth as a teenager I was hopelessly devoted to her!

(apologies for that musical joke-reference)

Back on-topic then, I don't think we should be making judgements about Op's bf's sexuality on the basis of a trail of evidence carelessly left on a computer. I think his registration on so many sites is understandable if those sites require registration to view the contents (I must have over 20 accounts on the internet on all sorts of websites from electrical spare parts to martial arts to travel agencies, and I don't remember the half of them). The person best placed to judge his sexuality is the Op, and she can best do that by observing his regular actions & reactions to her, in real life.


Be at peace all,

Z

Distorted

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hi OP, that's an awful shock for you. I'm afraid the 'it was just a phase' is probably the oldest excuse in the book.

Either a person is interested in something or they're not. I don't believe he never did anything and wouldn't have gone through with it.

I'm so sorry but I don't think you should believe or trust him. He lied and trust is not supposed to be given blindly but earned.

He has deceived you. If you turn a blind eye on this big red flag now then it will come back to bite you tenfold later on.

That was my take on it as well. I don't really buy into the viewpoint that the OP should just accept it because its all in the past. I don't believe that it is all in the past, with the recent phone activity (if somone was only curious about it and it was a while ago, they would make damned sure they deleted their profile).

Its just an awful lot to accept. Fair enough if you had known this about him when you met him, but he has presented himself to you as a different person. And that different person may reassert himself.

For me, and speaking personally here, its the combination of so many things - describing himself as bi (was he once and if so surely he still is), lieing, interest in tv and interest in dating sites (a purely personal dislike in a guy). I actually wouldn't even have a problem with a guy who was bi-sexual, but with so many interests, I'd be concerned he was spreading himself a bit thin and not be leaving much time for me. Or that I was the security blanket/beard.

Taltos

cannot_cope wrote: »

Also I found one with a join date from just last year. Its a forum and he claims to have only joined in order to find out about others experiences with regard to fancying TV's and then stopping but in fairness if you were over it you wouldnt go seeking out others who were over it also so that is very clearly a lie.

This would have me seriously worried too OP. Way way too recent. It is one thing to be curious in teens or so - but this recently is just too fresh. That coupled with the lies and cover-ups does put a different spin on it. The lies / coverups - I would have attributed to shame. But this from less than 12 mts is a red-flag. Only you though can tell if it is worth fighting for or if the risk is just too high that he will end up hurting you in the future with this again...

LegacyUser

ok, after a very tough week trying to get to terms with all this I have decided to try and get past this. my oh swears blindly that he only joined that forum last year in order to discuss his past with people who would understand but that he never ended up actually posting anything, just reading stuff. I am trying to trust him on this as i think i have to if we are to ever get back on track. I still feel unsure if i have made the right choice but i know it will take time for my trust in my oh to return. Hopefully this is a hurdle we can get over with some time. Thanks again to all the posters who offered me much needed advise in my time of crisis, it really meant alot.

LegacyUser

hi,

saw this and had to give you my take on it. My ex used to watch tv porn. I found it on his history, plus a search on a dating site, tho no profile, Confronted him and he denied it, said it must have been a friend. Eventually admitted it one drunken night. I accepted it, as he said he was straight, it was just a fetish. Ended up causing huge trust issues, as he watched it at any oppurtunity he got, it became a bit of an obsession. TV porn is an unusual pull for men as it is so taboo- there is a huge market for it on the net as I am sure you have seen for yourself. Seriously, when we split, I ended up in counselling, and my counseller pointed out, while he may not be bisexual, this man is seeking out alternative sexual satisfaction, which is not heterosexual, and is not you. In a decent relationship you should always be your partners main sexual satisfaction.
I'd advise you to look elsewhere if you are unhappy, I know this is coming from someone who has been burnt so maybe I am biased, I am actually an advocate of porn and think it can be a normal part of a healthy sexual relationship but sneaking about and making you feel uncomfortable, well its just not good for anyones self esteem, been there done that not nice. Do you really want to be checking the history on the computer always because I doubt his interest will just fade, he will keep looking at it. Cut your losses and find someone with less issues. Life's too short.