Boyfriend's mother - probably the most manipulative b***h you'll ever hear of

throw momma from train

Hi all.

Long time poster on Boards and contribute regularly to Personal section but I've never ever seen a post like the situation I'm about to describe.
I know my/boyfriend's situation is rare and very few would tolerate the manipulation he's being put under, let alone actually give in to it.
My boyfriend used to earn quite a lot of money from a young age and was in his late twenties when he met me.
I had a well paid job myself then and thought that together we would be ok to move in, split everything 50/50 and all that after a year or so.
But that's not what happened.
I soon realised that he was financially supporting his mother and not just handing up his keep for bed and board, but he was actually paying most of her rent, all the bills and buying all the groceries too.
She wouldn't even make a cup of tea for him or iron a shirt in return
- she did absolutely NOTHING - just plain idle and ungrateful.

From the word go she didn't like me (she saw me as a huge threat to her financial free-ride) but she hid it well, smiling through her gritted teeth, pretending to like me, so as not to rock the boat with him in case he'd move out with me.
Her husband went to the pub every night, and he was allowed to spend all his wages there, without handing up a penny, he lived with them 100% free but that was all ok because she had a much better replacement instead.
She was so manipulative that he actually BELIEVED she was in dire need of his assistance - "ah, my mother has nothing, my dad's in the pub seven nights, he gives her nothing" and other phrases like "my mother would never speak to me again if I moved out, I can't go anywhere for a few years". And I put up with it...

Our first holiday was two whole years into the relationship.
She went BALLISTIC - she regularly opened his mail and discovered the tickets and went to attack me, screaming in my face
"who paid for this holiday?!!! WHO PAID FOR IT?!!!"
...and this wasn't the first time she attacked me either.
She assaulted me a few times and I had to call the Gardai on her.
She is a volatile woman, always looking for fights with people in shops etc and my boyfriend is genuinely afraid to look sideways at her.
Let alone stand up to her. He has respect for her out of fear.

Anyway the current situation is this - it took him 10 YEARS to move out with me. All that time handing her up money every week.
And of course she went mental when she got the news. He STILL had to pay her something for the first few months!
And the husband is STILL living with her, handing up nothing, still drinking every night!

Now here's the really disgusting bit...she has a granchild that SHE IS REARING. Her daughter abandoned the child at birth. So all along my OH was essentially supporting that child with HIS MONEY.
The daughter is claiming the children's allowance, has all the benefits, rent allowance etc but has got absolutely nothing to do with the child and doesn't pay one cent towards its upbringing.
She also gets maintainance from the child's father, quite a lot too,
he's loaded.

Yet his mother ALLOWS all this. She wouldn't dream of asking the daughter for money towards the child.
She herself is afraid of the daughter, a much more volatile woman than she is, would rip your head off for nothing and loves her wine and cocaine lifestyle.

His mother is constantly fighting with him for 'loans', screaming her head off that she's broke and how it's all his fault for moving out and having the cheek to pay rent with ME!!!
(I know this even though he hasn't said it to me - but it's really MY fault for 'taking' him away from her)

So, to bring up to date - my OH has been unemployed for a while but has just gotten a new and well paid job, thank God we thought...
...until she got wind of it. She's now DEMANDING he pay her something every week!!!
"Help me out!!!" Because we (me and him) are "doing so well and have it
f-in easy!!!" (I work 6 days a week) and "I (her) have f-all!!!"...
She went to hit him the other night and he had to run from her.

Her spite and twisted jealousy have sunk to a new low
- she actually EXPECTS HIM TO START HANDING HER UP MONEY AGAIN JUST BECAUSE HE GOT A JOB.
I feel so sorry for him having a mother like that.
Over the years I've tried my best to make him see her for what she is and tried to make him see a Doctor about her.
I've had to 'counsel' him myself, explain her motives, bought books,
told him stand up to her etc.
Really THERE IS NOTHING GOOD OR KIND ABOUT THIS WOMAN,
SHE IS PURE NARCISSTIC VENOM.

He just won't speak about her to anyone and I can't really blame him in one way - it's a disgusting and shameful situation to admit to being in.
He's in pure denial of it all and he's been very depressed for a long time
- he's even having doubts about keeping the job, saying it's too dangerous and stressful (driving rep, what he's always done).

The hold that she's got over him has affected me very badly too.
As I've said, it took him over 10 years to move out and grow up with me.
There have been continuous weeks where he has left all the rent and bills to me because I KNOW he has given her his money instead.
I know that she constantly reads me to her family and blackens my name. All she does all day is sit on her ass and read people "how does he have that house, he only fits alarms" and such evil spite.

If anyone can put any logic to all this madness I'd really love to hear it.
She's flaring up on him again lately - but he just won't stay away from her house, he visits EVERY SINGLE DAY for this manipulation and barrage of abuse, like some prisoner who must obey her, 'or else' kind of thing.
It's madness. She's got him brainwashed, he feels he HAS TO visit her just like he felt he had to pay for everything she wanted too....

Thanks

Kidchameleon

Awful situation OP. You say you have tried to show him this woman's true colors. Do you think you could put up with this for the rest of her life? If not then perhaps a bit of tough love is in order...

Overheal

After 10 years I doubt theres anyone online can tell you that will suddenly help resolve this situation. All that I could probably say is clearly and for whatever reason your Boyfriend feels compelled to support his mother - I wont even bother attempting to judge that.

You have to look out for yourself here a bit too and Im sure that you do. You don't stick with that kind of person for 10 years if you don't care, but if this relationship continues I would be hesitant about Marriage, a situation where you could find yourself financially liable for the mess he will get himself into if he continues to support his mother. Having said that even without marriage or joint assets you may already find yourself supporting Him, while he is supporting her, so in a way you are supporting her.

There have been continuous weeks where he has left all the rent and bills to me because I KNOW he has given her his money instead.

I am sure he has an idea of who his mother is. But anyway, it may be time that you yourself stand firm on the issues. That is, if you have both agreed to pay half on rent, only pay your half. Put your savings into pension or something where it can't be touched, or asked for. You have to tell your boyfriend you cant pay his half of his expenses so that he can give away his money to his mother. You can't. It's insane to do so. If you want to pay for a holiday thats great, let her rage to whomever she wants.

The last thing you can do though is feed into the support spiral. If you support all of his expenses he will support all of hers. If you want it to stop, you have to stop too.

You don't need your boyfriend's approval to seek a restraining order either. If she is being abusive, aggressive, slanderous and violent: Get One. She won't go knocking on your door at least. It's unfortunate that he feels wrapped up in it but you yourself need to take the hard line. Hell you never know, if you put up a strong enough front he might decide you are his best chance for getting out of his mess. He probably feels like right now, there is no way out. Prove to him that there is. Get this woman out of your own life, and he may follow for good.

spinandscribble

I have to say I feel sorry for the mother inlaw. she's trying to raise a grandchild and keep food in a house while her alcoholic husband drinks like a fish. Not saying its right she expects your bf to be the breakwinner but I can see how its tough on her as well.

I don't think you should be the one to "counsel" your bf, a self help book being read out to him isn't gonna do much good nor does it come from a unbiased judge free space. I think your bf should see a counsellor (Someone outside the family...) to clear his head. He's being pulled each and every way by everyone and probably can't think straight.

I agree with the other poster: divide the bills equally and put your own excess money somewhere safe. He mightn't like it but you have no obligation to help fund his decisions to enable his mother/father.

Op I also noticed you speak of the bfs father's drinking away the wages as if the mother could prevent it or allows it. I'm not sure if you've ever known someone close with a addiction but its not as simple as letting money fly out the house.

Taltos

OP, if you really cannot put up with this anymore ask yourself how you see the next ten years and your own kids being brought up in this mess. I think personally for my own sake I would have to walk.
This may prompt your bf to grow a spine or not, and in fairness if it doesn't you are much better off out of that toxic family.
Let him know why though, maybe give him a choice, leave with you to build a life or continue being sucked.dry by his family. I don't think he has the backbone to tell her to fop off, hut maybe.... either way you need to get out of there.

tinkerbell

Your boyfriend has to stand up to her. He has got to stop giving her money. What happens if you two get married and you have children? Surely you will want to spend your money on raising your children rather than giving that evil cow money?

I think it's a case of tough love here. You need to tell your boyfriend that you will not tolerate paying for his part of rent / bills, etc. when he can well afford to pay for it, only can't because he's given away all his money to his mother. His financial duty is towards the home you and him live in, not his mother's home. He has got to cop onto himself.

As for you, do not have anything to do with that woman. Your boyfriend has to stop taking all that abuse and torment from his mother. And he's gotta start putting you first. If the situation is that bad, then I think you have to tell him that he has to choose - happiness with you or forever give all his money away to his mother.

Chinafoot

Your boyfriend isn't the only one that needs to grow a spine here OP. You have put up with this for 10 years so why on earth would you expect things to change now?

He knows you're not going anywhere. Christ, his mother assaulted you and you stuck around despite whats obviously a complete lack of support from him. He has no reason to change his behaviour.

You have also shown him that he can put his mother before you financially despite not living in her home anymore. Continuous weeks of him not paying his way? Letting him away with this simply enables his behaviour.

I'm not one for ultimatums but in this case you need to put the foot down. He's either with you as his partner in life or he isn't. His behaviour suggests the latter and you need to show yourself more respect.

Tell him it either stops or you're gone. Otherwise prepare yourself for an absolute nightmare as long as this woman is alive.

Zen65

Overheal wrote: »

After 10 years I doubt theres anyone online can tell you that will suddenly help resolve this situation.

Hi Op,

Overheal is correct, there are no magic solutions other than the solutions you have already considered in the last 10 years.

It strikes me that you really only have three options:

1. Stay in this situation until the mother dies

This is not a pleasant scenario for you, but it essentially amounts to continuing to do what you are doing now. There is a slim chance that along the way your OH may decide to change the relationship he has with his mother, although I do not believe that you could force a change in his behaviour by issuing ultimata. The only ultimatum that might resonate with him might be in the event that the two of you decide to have children, in which case you should probably insist that you would do so only if he ceases to have a relationship with his mother as she would probably be a bad influence on your children.

Insist also that he stops supporting her financially as your kids will need all the support they can get.

2. Emigrate

If the two of you wish to live your lives together, then doing so in the same country as his mother is going to put a huge strain on your relationship. Get out, to somewhere she is unlikely to come visit. With the distance between them, he can probably resolve to stop paying her way.

3. Separate

If you can't put up with option 1 or option 2, it's time for you to exit this relationship. There are many men out there with no such problem appendages. Find one.


But of course, these thoughts have already entered your head, and up till now you have decided to select option 1. What's the reason for that?

Remember, your life is influenced by events beyond your control, but for the most part it is choices within your control which determine your fate.

Be at peace,

Z

miec

She's flaring up on him again lately - but he just won't stay away from her house, he visits EVERY SINGLE DAY for this manipulation and barrage of abuse, like some prisoner who must obey her, 'or else' kind of thing.
It's madness. She's got him brainwashed, he feels he HAS TO visit her just like he felt he had to pay for everything she wanted too....

Hi Op

Yes she has got him brainwashed and in reality you are powerless to change his mindset, he has to see it for himself. Right now he is in deep denial of his reality, that he has an abusive mother.

The only thing you can change is your attitude towards this situation, at the moment you are using so much energy to get him to see things as they are, possibly fight this woman etc. This must be causing you huge stress and it is not working. If you can you need to step back. I don't mean leave, but just don't engage with his mother (no contact) say nothing to him, if he moans etc, don't get involved, if he still wants to be a sap let him on, and then as someone else suggested, pay half the bills and don't cover his half. However, all of the above is a lot of hard work and pain. Maybe you need to ask yourself why are you with a man who is so afraid of his mother, who is so troubled. Is the relationship worth all this?

kerash

Hi Op - IMO you have to draw the line now or forget about it ever ending. Tell your Oh to cut ties with the mother, never give her money again and you stay away from her if she's gone to the extent of assaulting you.
That is as far from a normal situation as you can get, it's dangerous and bad. You both need to get away from her. If she want's to have any contact with you it will be only on your terms and she must act in a civilized manner.
If your oh wont cut ties then you'll have to put up with it for ever more or leave the relationship.

throw momma from train

Overheal wrote: »

even without marriage or joint assets you may already find yourself supporting Him, while he is supporting her, so in a way you are supporting her.

:eek: Yeah, that's exactly how it is - I've always tried to make him see it this way, that I was indirectly supporting her myself, doing without,
and being seriously short on money because he was more loyal to her than to pay the bills he incurred with me, therefore leaving me with 100% of the rent etc...

Overheal wrote: »

You have to tell your boyfriend you cant pay his half of his expenses so that he can give away his money to his mother. You can't. It's insane to do so.
The last thing you can do though is feed into the support spiral. If you support all of his expenses he will support all of hers.

What do you think about her having possession of his ATM card? :mad: :mad: :mad:
He has given it to her intermittently...
At times I have been powerless to stop him/her...
and when rent was due (which I made sure I was never behind with)
I've had to pay it, minus 2/3 weeks, sometimes 7/8 weeks without contribution from him...and then when it was time for him to make it up (pay it back to me) she'd go mental as she would get nothing from him for a while.

I didn't realise when I posted that I'd wind up looking at all this so differently. It is truly shocking. Worse than I thought actually.
Your post is a real eye-opener. To hear it from a stranger, in black & white on a computer screen actually makes the madness real.

Overheal wrote: »

Hell you never know, if you put up a strong enough front he might decide you are his best chance for getting out of his mess. He probably feels like right now, there is no way out. Prove to him that there is.
Get this woman out of your own life, and he may follow for good.

I wish he would. We've had a fair few arguements about moving away, he'll never go, not even to the next county, whereas I'd go for a dozen reasons. It's exhausting having to tell him stop funding her and stop visiting her so often. I don't think he will change.
He HAS realised a little bit though, but that's not enough is it?
Oh, and I've totally cut her out - after years of not speaking to her I wound up in her house one day a year ago, she flipped over something small, roared the roof off and he just froze on the spot, in terror.
I was worse, I thought she was going to turn on me next.
I had to sit there and nod my head in false 'agreement' with her, just so I could get out 'alive'...
a truly awful woman she is...who will live forever...

throw momma from train

spinandscribble wrote: »

I have to say I feel sorry for the mother inlaw. she's trying to raise a grandchild and keep food in a house while her alcoholic husband drinks like a fish. Not saying its right she expects your bf to be the breakwinner but I can see how its tough on her as well..

I'm sorry to have to correct you there but this woman deserves no sympathy whatsoever.

She ALLOWS her husband to drink his money and made her son pay for it instead.
She is a physically violent, domineering, manipulating and jealous bully.
What she's done (and she KNOWS she's done) is emotionally cripple her son into fearing the responsibility of conducting an independent relationship with other women.
That's why it took him 10 years to move out with me.
She inadvertently (or deliberately is my guess) poisoned him into thinking that I or another girl would actually do what SHE has done (live off of him).
He handed her up his pocket money from his grandparents, his Saturday job and he left school at 15 to work for her.

She WANTED the granchild when it was born. It gave her a life, because she had nothing to get up for in the morning and has no friends of her own.
Again, her son is expected to hand over the money that keeps the child in nice clothes and food, entertainment, petrol runs to school etc,
because her daughter is ALLOWED to keep all her benefits and again,
his mother ALLOWS this to go on.
HE is targeted because he's quiet and obedient and fears her and her husband and her daughter are getting away with it.

It is NOT tough on her at all. She sits on her ass all day and gets supported by the state AND by her son.
It's tough on HER SON and me, his partner, that's who it's tough on.

spinandscribble wrote: »

I agree with the other poster: divide the bills equally and put your own excess money somewhere safe. He mightn't like it but you have no obligation to help fund his decisions to enable his mother/father.

No, no obligation whatsoever. But it often happens behind my back and I can't do anything about it.
In my reply to Overheal I said that he gives her his ATM card at times, and that in itself is indirectly taking MY money when rent is up etc.
She knows well that she's causing havoc our lives.

spinandscribble wrote: »

Op I also noticed you speak of the bfs father's drinking away the wages as if the mother could prevent it or allows it. I'm not sure if you've ever known someone close with a addiction but its not as simple as letting money fly out the house.

Yes, she does ALLOW it. I said that in my first post. She allows it because she is a sad individual who just wants people in her house, so that she doesn't have to live alone.

I know about addiction very well. And why should others have to sufffer for the person who ENABLES the addiction?
SHE enables the addiction by ALLOWING him to drink the money and then come home drunk.
She could kick him out, couldn't she? She'd have full social welfare then. Deserted wives or something.But she won't. Her son funds her life.
A sad individual who just wants people in her house, so that she doesn't have to live alone.

Do you still feel sorry for her?

throw momma from train

Taltos wrote: »

OP, if you really cannot put up with this anymore ask yourself how you see the next ten years and your own kids being brought up in this mess. I think personally for my own sake I would have to walk.
This may prompt your bf to grow a spine or not, and in fairness if it doesn't you are much better off out of that toxic family.
Let him know why though, maybe give him a choice, leave with you to build a life or continue being sucked.dry by his family. I don't think he has the backbone to tell her to fop off, hut maybe.... either way you need to get out of there.

I know. It's awful to even have to think about thinking that it might be better to just leave them to it, their twisted support system.

I've asked myself about kids and I do actually think they would be going without at times because of their granny...
It's sickening to think that her daughter had a child just to gain the benefits and maintainance from the child's father and that MY BOYFRIEND is expected to pay towards that child because its granmother allows the daughter away with paying nothing.
And here's me - afraid to bring a child into the world because WE DON'T have the money to do so...
I could actually see my OH not paying maintainance if we broke up
- his mother would be getting it instead...and I've SAID that to him too....

Overheal

In my reply to Overheal I said that he gives her his ATM card at times, and that in itself is indirectly taking MY money when rent is up etc.
She knows well that she's causing havoc our lives.

Indirectly from a shared account or just in that he's not paying his half of the rent?

I'm not at all qualified to pass advice on the relationship here but if it were anything aside from the 10+ years you've spent with him I and probably many others would tell you he isn't going to break out of this, and while you're there it's impeding on you. You may have to consider if this is what you want for yourself for the next 10 years. If moving out and being independent didn't break him from the spell I personally can't think of anything that truly will.

I wish he would. We've had a fair few arguements about moving away, he'll never go, not even to the next county, whereas I'd go for a dozen reasons. It's exhausting having to tell him stop funding her and stop visiting her so often. I don't think he will change.
He HAS realised a little bit though, but that's not enough is it?

He may see it but that's seemingly not enough for him to break out of it.

If you'd emigrate for a dozen reasons perhaps it's time to consider them? If you're paying all the rent anyway it sounds like you're independent enough all by yourself to go wherever the hell you want. A great thing altogether. I think it's damn tragic about him, but that's the life he wants to live.

Taltos

So why are you wasting your time and life with him?
Don't say its for love as love is not a one way street and from your description you are coming second here.

I think we both can see what you have to do.
Life might suck right now but I hope it gets better for you. No one deserves to be treated like you are. It might wake him up but if not at least you'll be free of that fopped up family.

Overheal

Taltos wrote: »

Don't say its for love as love is not a one way street and from your description you are coming second here.

From what I've heard that's how it feels. Not so much romantic love but of one person passionately trying to rescue another. It doesn't always work out. in the end you could spend the rest of your life trying.

throw momma from train

tinkerbell wrote: »

Your boyfriend has to stand up to her. He has got to stop giving her money. What happens if you two get married and you have children? Surely you will want to spend your money on raising your children rather than giving that evil cow money?

I think it's a case of tough love here. You need to tell your boyfriend that you will not tolerate paying for his part of rent / bills, etc. when he can well afford to pay for it, only can't because he's given away all his money to his mother.
His financial duty is towards the home you and him live in, not his mother's home.

As for you, do not have anything to do with that woman. Your boyfriend has to stop taking all that abuse and torment from his mother. And he's gotta start putting you first. If the situation is that bad, then I think you have to tell him that he has to choose - happiness with you or forever give all his money away to his mother.

An evil cow she is indeed...:)

I can definitely try get it through to him alright, but I've put in a post to Overheal that he actually gives her his ATM card sometimes...that I can't controle...
and yeah "only can't because he's given away all his money to his mother"...that's how it is...when it's gone it's gone...
It's like a never-ending silent battle between me and her...and evil cow prevails. Always.
He often spends the night at hers because we aren't talking over the 'missing' money, and she knows exactly why. Because it's in her pocket.
She knows well what she's doing. And I know she loves the damage.

I don't speak to her anymore thank God. I've forgiven her loads of times in the past for roaring abuse and attacking me, I wish I never had.
Every day it eats me up for forgiving her.
I even did her a massive favour a couple of years ago, s**t for thanks and I was verbally attacked again after...

It is abuse what she's doing, you're right.
Abuse of her son's independence and his personal relationship, his future security and all of his civil rights really.
- I've never actually thought to use that word in describing her behaviour to him, I might actually show him this thread and your post and it might hit home...

Thanks

throw momma from train

Chinafoot wrote: »

Christ, his mother assaulted you and you stuck around despite whats obviously a complete lack of support from him.

Chinafoot wrote: »

You have also shown him that he can put his mother before you financially despite not living in her home anymore. Continuous weeks of him not paying his way? Letting him away with this simply enables his behaviour.

- that is a scary and true opinion - I've never looked at it that way before.
You're right - I've allowed it in ways by not causing a fuss.
A riot would be what's needed...

Chinafoot wrote: »

Tell him it either stops or you're gone. Otherwise prepare yourself for an absolute nightmare as long as this woman is alive.

I hate to say you're right about everything.
Gobsmaked for such a few short sentences.
And she will outlive us all, I know she will...:eek:

Queen-Mise

Very short and sweet suggestion from me. You HAVE to get your partner to go to counselling with you - do whatever you need to do to get him there. On no account are you to EVER mention his mother/family is part of the reason. Make it all about you. You are unlikely to be able to get to go to for himself - start with the two of ye - and then he can always get more himself if he wants to.

Unless the two of you get to counselling together there is no hope for your relationship - it is going to continue on, the way it has until now. Your partner is never going to change until his eyes are opened to his family's behaviour. You are not able/qualified to do this.

To continue being really blunt - and this is my opinion purely - give this a time frame, i.e. six months, to get better, or else walk. How could you ever buy a house, have kids, get married with the relationship he has with his family (it is not just his mother that is the problem, she is the focal point that is all).




I had a manipulative M-in-L too, it took my hubby about 4/5 years to see it and start standing up for me. She hasn't changed, she just behaves herself better around us. She very nearly crossed a line on my daughters 2nd birthday of never seeing us again. I will never take any sh*te from her again.

throw momma from train

Zen65 wrote: »

1. Stay in this situation until the mother dies
The only ultimatum that might resonate with him might be in the event that the two of you decide to have children, in which case you should probably insist that you would do so only if he ceases to have a relationship with his mother as she would probably be a bad influence on your children

I wish he would cut her out. Or at the very least only see her once a month (too much even) And totally right - she would poison them. Literally. She actually said it at a christening once - "if X had a child from you she'd never let me see it would she?" (and fake bawls followed apparantly)

Zen65 wrote: »

2. Emigrate
If the two of you wish to live your lives together, then doing so in the same country as his mother is going to put a huge strain on your relationship

I have begged and pleaded for us to go. He won't. Ever.
Not even to the next county. I am desperate to leave (I don't like where we live anyway).
I would absolutely love to put thousands of miles between us and her.
I'm thinking lately the only way is to leave alone and see if he follows...
I don't have much stuff, I could easily go...

Zen65 wrote: »

3. Separate
If you can't put up with option 1 or option 2, it's time for you to exit this relationship. There are many men out there with no such problem appendages. Find one.

Most, I'd say. I mean, who gives ALL their money to their mothers and KEEPS on giving after moving out???

Zen65 wrote: »

But of course, these thoughts have already entered your head, and up till now you have decided to select option 1. What's the reason for that?

Madness, probably. And if I wasn't then, I probably am now...

Zen65 wrote: »

Remember, your life is influenced by events beyond your control, but for the most part it is choices within your control which determine your fate

Be at peace,

Z

Thank you for all your input. You have great insight! Peace to you too!

throw momma from train

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

Yes she has got him brainwashed and in reality you are powerless to change his mindset, he has to see it for himself. Right now he is in deep denial of his reality, that he has an abusive mother.

Maybe you need to ask yourself why are you with a man who is so afraid of his mother, who is so troubled. Is the relationship worth all this?

Spot on. Thank you. Everyone else seems to think so too.

Yeah, I have huge stress - I sometimes think it might be easier to let her have him back. She's winning the war on money, that's for sure.
To her I'm like 'the other woman', who's callously taken him away from her and ruined her life. She hates me and once proudly told me that she 'got rid of' the girl just before me...and he quite obviously let her...

I can't understand why he's so good to her. If she was a woman who did everything for him I would, but she's stone lazy, threw a cup at the wall once when he asked her to make a sandwich!

The controle she has over him is UNREAL. He is a pretty stubborn man on most things (and WELL able to say NO to me) but when it comes to her he's quiverring jelly and can't say no to any of her demands.
He gives up a lot of spare time to drive her places (and she has her own car) and she really takes the p**s some days.

I saw in a film once a mother who pretended to be in a wheelchair.
The son came home one day to find her dancing to music. That's the kind of woman she is :mad:

throw momma from train

Overheal wrote: »

Indirectly from a shared account or just in that he's not paying his half of the rent?

Oh no - no shared account! I'm not THAT stupid! (or am I?)...

Overheal wrote: »

You may have to consider if this is what you want for yourself for the next 10 years. If moving out and being independent didn't break him from the spell I personally can't think of anything that truly will.

God no, I DON'T! Had palpitations there reading that!
No, moving out certainly did not stop him from funding her. Lucky for her he hasn't got children. But then again if he had...

Overheal wrote: »

If you'd emigrate for a dozen reasons perhaps it's time to consider them? If you're paying all the rent anyway it sounds like you're independent enough all by yourself to go wherever the hell you want. A great thing altogether. I think it's damn tragic about him, but that's the life he wants to live.

I really must TRY think about it. I'm trapped here in my own head, not being helped by him who will not leave...it'd be so hard to do it alone, being female and all that...and I'm not a big tall strong one either... don't know what's worse though - being stuck here the rest of my life or venturing out yonder all alone...yikes...

throw momma from train

Taltos wrote: »

So why are you wasting your time and life with him?
Don't say its for love as love is not a one way street and from your description you are coming second here.

I think we both can see what you have to do.
Life might suck right now but I hope it gets better for you. No one deserves to be treated like you are. It might wake him up but if not at least you'll be free of that fopped up family.

"free of that fopped up family"...how lovely that would be

To answer your question, I don't really know anymore, love fastly fades when a man gives away your rent to his mother...

Thanks for your support and advice. I have much thinking to do.

spinandscribble

throw momma from train wrote: »

I'm sorry to have to correct you there but this woman deserves no sympathy whatsoever.

She ALLOWS her husband to drink his money and made her son pay for it instead.
She is a physically violent, domineering, manipulating and jealous bully.
What she's done (and she KNOWS she's done) is emotionally cripple her son into fearing the responsibility of conducting an independent relationship with other women.
That's why it took him 10 years to move out with me.
She inadvertently (or deliberately is my guess) poisoned him into thinking that I or another girl would actually do what SHE has done (live off of him).
He handed her up his pocket money from his grandparents, his Saturday job and he left school at 15 to work for her.

She WANTED the granchild when it was born. It gave her a life, because she had nothing to get up for in the morning and has no friends of her own.
Again, her son is expected to hand over the money that keeps the child in nice clothes and food, entertainment, petrol runs to school etc,
because her daughter is ALLOWED to keep all her benefits and again,
his mother ALLOWS this to go on.
HE is targeted because he's quiet and obedient and fears her and her husband and her daughter are getting away with it.

It is NOT tough on her at all. She sits on her ass all day and gets supported by the state AND by her son.
It's tough on HER SON and me, his partner, that's who it's tough on.



No, no obligation whatsoever. But it often happens behind my back and I can't do anything about it.
In my reply to Overheal I said that he gives her his ATM card at times, and that in itself is indirectly taking MY money when rent is up etc.
She knows well that she's causing havoc our lives.



Yes, she does ALLOW it. I said that in my first post. She allows it because she is a sad individual who just wants people in her house, so that she doesn't have to live alone.

I know about addiction very well. And why should others have to sufffer for the person who ENABLES the addiction?
SHE enables the addiction by ALLOWING him to drink the money and then come home drunk.
She could kick him out, couldn't she? She'd have full social welfare then. Deserted wives or something.But she won't. Her son funds her life.
A sad individual who just wants people in her house, so that she doesn't have to live alone.

Do you still feel sorry for her?

well since you asked, yes.

I don't know her and We only have your side but I don't think anyone can stop a alcoholic and allows it.


I'm not saying she's RIGHT but I think there's more going on then her forcing her husband to go to the pub so she can play the cruel mother in law as you've told us.

Like i've already said, your bf needs to go to counseling and if you can afford it you should go to couples counseling to see if this is the end of your relationship or you both can take the needed changes to cut from the family.

edit: you say allow so easily. You told us he's a alcoholic, you told us the daughter is extremely violent.

I don't see how she's suppose to take from people like that who might injury or cause injury to themselves. AGAIN I repeat, I don't agree with her actions but I don't think you're painting a fair picture.

throw momma from train

spinandscribble wrote: »

well since you asked, yes.
I don't know her and We only have your side but I don't think anyone can stop a alcoholic and allows it.
I'm not saying she's RIGHT but I think there's more going on then her forcing her husband to go to the pub so she can play the cruel mother in law as you've told us.
edit: you say allow so easily. You told us he's a alcoholic, you told us the daughter is extremely violent.
I don't see how she's suppose to take from people like that who might injury or cause injury to themselves. AGAIN I repeat, I don't agree with her actions but I don't think you're painting a fair picture.

If I have to be biased towards myself then here goes - My side is the complete FACT. She is a horrible nasty woman and I'm not exaggerrating that one bit. She is what she is. She is THE ULTIMATE cruel mother in law. I have done NOTHING to her, she's had it in for me from day one as she had with his previous girlfriend, who she "got rid of" and stared me in the eye with her evil look as she said it.

She could and should kick her husband out - that way she'd have full benefits. At the moment it's split payments.
And stop expecting her son to fund what her husband and daughter SHOULD BE but don't.
SHE had HER life but she won't let her son have his with me.
She wants what I have (at least what she THINKS I have) and begrudges me the relationship. This woman HATES other women. She abused a female politician one night a few weeks ago on the doorstep and for NO reason, but invited in the men for a pathetic flirt.

Do you actually think he SHOULD be giving away his, OUR money to her?
Is he obliged to pay for his sister's child? Buy his father's drink?
While they live it up and we can't even afford the cinema.

"I don't see how she's suppose to take from people like that who might injury or cause injury to themselves"
She SHOULD be taking from "people like that" - THEY are the reason she's putting my OH under added pressure to hand up money
- and FOR WHAT EXACTLY? The child is not his! Why's she screaming in HIS face for cash? She's half broke OVER HER DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND, who she should be making pay for what THEY cost,
or else turf them out, child and all.
They have HUNDEREDS between them each week for 'good times'
- but she wants my OH and me to have NOTHING.
WE are expected to pay.
Is that right?

People who might cause injury? That'd be HER actually, she's attacked me several times and some of her daughter's friends too by the way!
And while she may be afraid of her daughter, she's certainly not afraid of her son! She raised her to be aggressive and violent, like herself.
That's how they get their way. That's how she controls her son.

And I am painting the fairest picture imaginable.
In fact, there's a million things I could tell about her but she's just not worth it.
You obviously don't believe that people can be evil.
I understand there are people who have never been badly wronged in life and that they hold a belief that 'the world is generally good' and you'll believe that about EVERYONE until you meet an evil one.
They exist, believe me.
May you never know a woman like her.

Chinafoot

throw momma from train wrote: »

What do you think about her having possession of his ATM card? :mad: :mad: :mad:
He has given it to her intermittently...

The key issue with her having his ATM card is the part that I have underlined. HE is giving it to HER. She's not stealing it from him, he's handing it over to her. That is his decision to make and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

throw momma from train wrote: »

and when rent was due (which I made sure I was never behind with)
I've had to pay it, minus 2/3 weeks, sometimes 7/8 weeks without contribution from him...and then when it was time for him to make it up (pay it back to me) she'd go mental as she would get nothing from him for a while.

Personally I would never allow this to go on in my relationship. Not a f*cking chance. Her going mental is irrelevant. His actions are causing the problems here. He needs to grow up.

throw momma from train wrote: »

He HAS realised a little bit though, but that's not enough is it?

After how many years?? If this is still an issue between you, and it clearly is, then no, its nowhere near enough.

throw momma from train wrote: »

She ALLOWS her husband to drink his money and made her son pay for it instead.

And her son ALLOWS it to happen to him. Yes she sounds like an absolute nightmare but you need to focus on him and his role in all of this.

throw momma from train wrote: »

She is a physically violent, domineering, manipulating and jealous bully.
What she's done (and she KNOWS she's done) is emotionally cripple her son into fearing the responsibility of conducting an independent relationship with other women.
That's why it took him 10 years to move out with me.
She inadvertently (or deliberately is my guess) poisoned him into thinking that I or another girl would actually do what SHE has done (live off of him).
He handed her up his pocket money from his grandparents, his Saturday job and he left school at 15 to work for her.

Yes its an awful upbringing, clearly, but you know what? He's an adult now. He needs to sort his shít out and realise that it can't continue. Its something that should have been done years ago.

throw momma from train wrote: »

She WANTED the granchild when it was born. It gave her a life, because she had nothing to get up for in the morning and has no friends of her own.
Again, her son is expected to hand over the money that keeps the child in nice clothes and food, entertainment, petrol runs to school etc,
because her daughter is ALLOWED to keep all her benefits and again,
his mother ALLOWS this to go on.

Again, he's ALLOWING this to happen to him.

throw momma from train wrote: »

HE is targeted because he's quiet and obedient and fears her and her husband and her daughter are getting away with it.

It is NOT tough on her at all. She sits on her ass all day and gets supported by the state AND by her son.
It's tough on HER SON and me, his partner, that's who it's tough on.

Well you know what OP, I don't have sympathy for the mother but I also don't have sympathy for any grown adult who allows that crap continue for years on end without doing anything about it - and I include you in that. You are keeping yourself in this relationship for what gain? Like I said in my first post, why exactly do you expect him to change his behaviour after 10 years?

throw momma from train wrote: »

In my reply to Overheal I said that he gives her his ATM card at times, and that in itself is indirectly taking MY money when rent is up etc.
She knows well that she's causing havoc our lives.

HE is causing havoc in your life by handing over money that is meant to be on your joint expenses. HIM not her.

throw momma from train wrote: »

I know about addiction very well. And why should others have to sufffer for the person who ENABLES the addiction?
SHE enables the addiction by ALLOWING him to drink the money and then come home drunk.
She could kick him out, couldn't she? She'd have full social welfare then. Deserted wives or something.But she won't. Her son funds her life.
A sad individual who just wants people in her house, so that she doesn't have to live alone.

And what do you think you're doing by putting up with him enabling her behaviour? You are enabling his behaviour. You could kick him out, couldn't you?

Look OP, I appreciate your anger at his mother and I understand how its much easier to blame her than to actually focus on your partner's role in this, but you are not in a relationship with her, you are in a relationship with him. He is the one causing problems by allowing this to continue. Nothing is going to change after so long unless he decides it will. And from what you've said I can't see that happening anytime soon.

Have you considered counselling for yourself? You sound almost institutionalised in this relationship that perhaps you can't see the wood from the trees. I would question the self-esteem level of anyone who would stay in such a dysfunctional, damaging situation.

spinandscribble

throw momma from train wrote: »

If I have to be biased towards myself then here goes - My side is the complete FACT. She is a horrible nasty woman and I'm not exaggerrating that one bit. She is what she is. She is THE ULTIMATE cruel mother in law. I have done NOTHING to her, she's had it in for me from day one as she had with his previous girlfriend, who she "got rid of" and stared me in the eye with her evil look as she said it.

She could and should kick her husband out - that way she'd have full benefits. At the moment it's split payments.
And stop expecting her son to fund what her husband and daughter SHOULD BE but don't.
SHE had HER life but she won't let her son have his with me.
She wants what I have (at least what she THINKS I have) and begrudges me the relationship. This woman HATES other women. She abused a female politician one night a few weeks ago on the doorstep and for NO reason, but invited in the men for a pathetic flirt.

Do you actually think he SHOULD be giving away his, OUR money to her?
Is he obliged to pay for his sister's child? Buy his father's drink?
While they live it up and we can't even afford the cinema.

"I don't see how she's suppose to take from people like that who might injury or cause injury to themselves"
She SHOULD be taking from "people like that" - THEY are the reason she's putting my OH under added pressure to hand up money
- and FOR WHAT EXACTLY? The child is not his! Why's she screaming in HIS face for cash? She's half broke OVER HER DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND, who she should be making pay for what THEY cost,
or else turf them out, child and all.
They have HUNDEREDS between them each week for 'good times'
- but she wants my OH and me to have NOTHING.
WE are expected to pay.
Is that right?

People who might cause injury? That'd be HER actually, she's attacked me several times and some of her daughter's friends too by the way!
And while she may be afraid of her daughter, she's certainly not afraid of her son! She raised her to be aggressive and violent, like herself.
That's how they get their way. That's how she controls her son.

And I am painting the fairest picture imaginable.
In fact, there's a million things I could tell about her but she's just not worth it.
You obviously don't believe that people can be evil.
I understand there are people who have never been badly wronged in life and that they hold a belief that 'the world is generally good' and you'll believe that about EVERYONE until you meet an evil one.
They exist, believe me.
May you never know a woman like her.

You're replying quite aggressively and as I already said, I know her actions are not right but its up to your bf to change his behaviour, he has no control over her behaviour only his own.

No offence op but you have no knowledge of my life and since this is YOUR thread keep it about you not myself. I could drag this thread off topic with my cv of work experience/life experience but that would serve you no good.

this is personal issues and you're not always get replies you want to hear but you posted her for opinions.

I think op you should find counselling for yourself. As yourself if this man is worth all this.

spinandscribble

Chinafoot wrote: »

The key issue with her having his ATM card is the part that I have underlined. HE is giving it to HER. She's not stealing it from him, he's handing it over to her. That is his decision to make and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.




Personally I would never allow this to go on in my relationship. Not a f*cking chance. Her going mental is irrelevant. His actions are causing the problems here. He needs to grow up.



After how many years?? If this is still an issue between you, and it clearly is, then no, its nowhere near enough.




And her son ALLOWS it to happen to him. Yes she sounds like an absolute nightmare but you need to focus on him and his role in all of this.



Yes its an awful upbringing, clearly, but you know what? He's an adult now. He needs to sort his shít out and realise that it can't continue. Its something that should have been done years ago.



Again, he's ALLOWING this to happen to him.



Well you know what OP, I don't have sympathy for the mother but I also don't have sympathy for any grown adult who allows that crap continue for years on end without doing anything about it - and I include you in that. You are keeping yourself in this relationship for what gain? Like I said in my first post, why exactly do you expect him to change his behaviour after 10 years?




HE is causing havoc in your life by handing over money that is meant to be on your joint expenses. HIM not her.





And what do you think you're doing by putting up with him enabling her behaviour? You are enabling his behaviour. You could kick him out, couldn't you?

Look OP, I appreciate your anger at his mother and I understand how its much easier to blame her than to actually focus on your partner's role in this, but you are not in a relationship with her, you are in a relationship with him. He is the one causing problems by allowing this to continue. Nothing is going to change after so long unless he decides it will. And from what you've said I can't see that happening anytime soon.

Have you considered counselling for yourself? You sound almost institutionalised in this relationship that perhaps you can't see the wood from the trees. I would question the self-esteem level of anyone who would stay in such a dysfunctional, damaging situation.

QTF

the op can only control her actions, not the bfs, not the MIL. You can leave this toxic relationship if you wish and if i'm honest i wish you had years ago, it seems to have really taken a toll on you.

also OP how about instead of having a JOINT account you put your money into your own account? clearly your bf cannot be trusted with the atm card.

throw momma from train

Chinafoot wrote: »

The key issue with her having his ATM card is the part that I have underlined. HE is giving it to HER. She's not stealing it from him, he's handing it over to her. That is his decision to make and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it

I know yeah. But she should not take it should she? It's wrong. She knows she's taking from another person and putting hard times onto them.
In a way it is stealing.
A decent, good person would not do that to another, especially their child, who is trying to be independent. She's made herself dependent on him, which is not only taking away his money but his freedom too.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well you know what OP, I don't have sympathy for the mother but I also don't have sympathy for any grown adult who allows that crap continue for years on end without doing anything about it - and I include you in that. You are keeping yourself in this relationship for what gain? Like I said in my first post, why exactly do you expect him to change his behaviour after 10 years?

It wouldn't be that I'd expect that he'd change all by himself (he won't, until the day his car gets repossessed or something), more that I wanted to put the situation out there and see for myself how f****d-up it sounds to people who have never heard such a thing happening.
And then to maybe show him these posts so that something might sink in, cos I'm worn out from telling him to stop funding her.
I could never approach, let alone confront her, she's unreasonable to the core.
He's not responsible for her and her granchilds everyday expenses.
But she's raised him to provide for her, since his teens. And he's under enormous GUILT all his life and mentally CAN'T stop giving her money.
He absolutely needs counselling, but unless he reaches breaking point (such as the car being repo-d) he won't. It's a bit of a hopeless one...

Chinafoot wrote: »

HE is causing havoc in your life by handing over money that is meant to be on your joint expenses. HIM not her

I know. But again, she should not be taking it from him, it's a low and lousy way to be

Chinafoot wrote: »

And what do you think you're doing by putting up with him enabling her behaviour? You are enabling his behaviour. You could kick him out, couldn't you?

I don't want to do that, we get on really well. If it wasn't for this pay-day trauma with her, we'd be fine.

Chinafoot wrote: »

I appreciate your anger at his mother and I understand how its much easier to blame her than to actually focus on your partner's role in this, but you are not in a relationship with her, you are in a relationship with him. He is the one causing problems by allowing this to continue.

I actually do blame her more - she's a cowardly bully who only targets soft targets. Again, he feels massive guilt for her well-being. She reared him to her advantage and not to be free and independent.
That said, of course he is to blame too.
But she's the kind of woman who would require a barring order to stay away from our place if he was to stop visiting and giving her money.
To say the Gardai would be involved is to put it mildly...
It's a very sad case of 'appeasing The God'...

Chinafoot wrote: »

Have you considered counselling for yourself? I would question the self-esteem level of anyone who would stay in such a dysfunctional, damaging situation.

Yeah, I've had it. No good. Got to see another. One who's tuned-in enough that both of us could go.
The scope of that woman's damage extends way beyond her son's wallet,
I tell you...

spinandscribble

CBT might be the way forward as it focuses on what you can do in the future, not the past. Sometimes counselling is just rehashing all the wounds and then the slow process of moving on. A counsellor I know refers to counselling as a layered cake. You can go and go but only take a little bit of the layer off. CBT is more like building up your own cake and focusing on that

up for anything

throw momma from train wrote: »

I know about addiction very well. And why should others have to sufffer for the person who ENABLES the addiction?
SHE enables the addiction by ALLOWING him to drink the money and then come home drunk.
She could kick him out, couldn't she? She'd have full social welfare then. Deserted wives or something.But she won't. Her son funds her life.
A sad individual who just wants people in her house, so that she doesn't have to live alone.

Do you still feel sorry for her?

throw momma from train wrote: »

I could actually see my OH not paying maintainance if we broke up
- his mother would be getting it instead...and I've SAID that to him too....

throw momma from train wrote: »

God no, I DON'T! Had palpitations there reading that!
No, moving out certainly did not stop him from funding her. Lucky for her he hasn't got children. But then again if he had...

I really must TRY think about it. I'm trapped here in my own head, not being helped by him who will not leave...it'd be so hard to do it alone, being female and all that...and I'm not a big tall strong one either... don't know what's worse though - being stuck here the rest of my life or venturing out yonder all alone...yikes...

You need to get rid of your other half. You seem to neither like or respect him so why are you still with him? You seem to have some realisation that you can't rely on him for any type of support for yourself or any future children - why put yourself through it any more.

As someone suggested you could probably use some counselling yourself. You seem to be full of rage, anger, frustration, self-pity and self-doubt and have no tools to deal with it. In fact, I'd surmise you are ending up a carbon copy in some ways of the women in his family which isn't surprising after over ten years with him. This is highlighted by the bit in bold - a bit poor me and a kick in the ass to all the poor, little, weak, not quite able for it because of being women, who are out there managing on their own without a big, strong man to look after them. Without being cruel, I think you have a lot of growing up and standing on your feet to do and you need to start doing it now.

throw momma from train

spinandscribble wrote: »

You're replying quite aggressively and as I already said, I know her actions are not right but its up to your bf to change his behaviour, he has no control over her behaviour only his own.
No offence op but you have no knowledge of my life and since this is YOUR thread keep it about you not myself. I could drag this thread off topic with my cv of work experience/life experience but that would serve you no good.
this is personal issues and you're not always get replies you want to hear but you posted her for opinions.
I think op you should find counselling for yourself. As yourself if this man is worth all this.

No, not agressive, that's not my style, just defensive that you seem to be defending her. If anything I'm actually playing her down. To go into detail about her would be naming her. I only wish I could...
She is worse than what I've described. If that can be imagined.

I would be pretty upset if someone falsely thought she was ok or nice.
People have and I've had to bite my tongue.
Because they were people who she said awful things about behind their backs but is so two-faced that she pretends to like them and acts all sweet and innocent in their company. Men especially. She doesn't really hide her feeling for women...

Yeah, tried counselling, wasn't the right one for me, gave no feedback to me at all, only listened which was no good. Spent quite a few quid aswell. Going to find another one, one that I think my OH might take seriously, if I can get him to go.

Thanks

Chinafoot

throw momma from train wrote: »

I know yeah. But she should not take it should she? It's wrong. She knows she's taking from another person and putting hard times onto them.
In a way it is stealing.
A decent, good person would not do that to another, especially their child, who is trying to be independent. She's made herself dependent on him, which is not only taking away his money but his freedom too.

Of course she shouldn't do it but the fact of the matter is she does do it and she will continue to do it for as long as he allows it. He is an adult. A grown man who needs to realise that he can't let this continue. Why can you not see that it is HIM putting hard times onto you? She can't force him to hand over money that he doesn't want to hand over. He no longer lives there, he is not in any way beholden to her legally or morally, however he is making the decision to hand her his wages while you have to pay his share of your joint expenses. He is putting this woman before you and by the sounds of things he always have. Why are you allowing him to do this to you? Where is your self-respect?

throw momma from train wrote: »

It wouldn't be that I'd expect that he'd change all by himself (he won't, until the day his car gets repossessed or something), more that I wanted to put the situation out there and see for myself how f****d-up it sounds to people who have never heard such a thing happening.
And then to maybe show him these posts so that something might sink in, cos I'm worn out from telling him to stop funding her.
I could never approach, let alone confront her, she's unreasonable to the core.

But OP he's not the only that needs to have things sink in. You do too. The situation is completely f*cked up. Its unhealthy, dysfunctional, damaging, and yet your partner is choosing to stay there and you in turn are choosing to stay in your own damaging and dysfunctional relationship with him.

throw momma from train wrote: »

He's not responsible for her and her granchilds everyday expenses.
But she's raised him to provide for her, since his teens. And he's under enormous GUILT all his life and mentally CAN'T stop giving her money.

You're right, he isn't responsible but unless HE decides to stop handing over the money he will continue to put his mother and the child before you. Its as simple as that.

throw momma from train wrote: »

He absolutely needs counselling, but unless he reaches breaking point (such as the car being repo-d) he won't. It's a bit of a hopeless one...

Then stop paying his way when he doesn't have the necessary money due to handing it over to her. He isn't going to reach breaking point if you are subsidising him. Make the decision to let him fend for himself. Make him see that he can't continue like this, financially at least. You have the ability to make that happen.

throw momma from train wrote: »

I know. But again, she should not be taking it from him, it's a low and lousy way to be

Nobody is disagreeing with you but you are missing the real issue spectacularly, and that is that your partner is handing over his money to her. Is it low for her to expect it? Of course. Does he need to take responsibility for his part in it? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

throw momma from train wrote: »

I don't want to do that, we get on really well. If it wasn't for this pay-day trauma with her, we'd be fine.

I don't mean to offend OP, but you haven't once said that you love your partner. Do you really think so little of yourself that you are going to settle for "getting on well" with someone who treats you in this way? And make no mistake, it is HIM treating you in this way. Not her.

throw momma from train wrote: »

I actually do blame her more - she's a cowardly bully who only targets soft targets. Again, he feels massive guilt for her well-being. She reared him to her advantage and not to be free and independent.
That said, of course he is to blame too.
But she's the kind of woman who would require a barring order to stay away from our place if he was to stop visiting and giving her money.
To say the Gardai would be involved is to put it mildly...
It's a very sad case of 'appeasing The God'...

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Thats all I can see. Its all her, she made him this way, he can't help it. Open your eyes! He is an adult!! If he has issues with guilt and being scared of her then he needs to get help! There has clearly been no attempt to do that.

throw momma from train wrote: »

Yeah, I've had it. No good. Got to see another. One who's tuned-in enough that both of us could go.
The scope of that woman's damage extends way beyond her son's wallet,
I tell you...

Until you can accept your partners role in this, I can't see any counsellor being able to help you with your relationship. You are in complete denial as to his treatment of you.

throw momma from train

spinandscribble wrote: »

QTF

the op can only control her actions, not the bfs, not the MIL. You can leave this toxic relationship if you wish and if i'm honest i wish you had years ago, it seems to have really taken a toll on you.

also OP how about instead of having a JOINT account you put your money into your own account? clearly your bf cannot be trusted with the atm card.

Oh no - I haven't got a joint account with him!

I don't want it to end with him - I love him to bits. It HAS taken a lot out of me, yeah, but I don't think anyone could end such a long term r/ship JUST over one thing that wasn't violence/abuse/cheating.

A big thing it is yeah, but I'm going to try find ways around it (if I can at all), like someone said emigration...he wouldn't move to England but if I could badger him about a working holiday or something it might change his outlook on the future. Or not...:)

spinandscribble

Chinafoot wrote: »

Until you can accept your partners role in this, I can't see any counsellor being able to help you with your relationship. You are in complete denial as to his treatment of you.

Op read this. don't reply. just read this and allow it to sink in.

throw momma from train

Chinafoot wrote: »

Why can you not see that it is HIM putting hard times onto you? He is putting this woman before you and by the sounds of things he always have. Why are you allowing him to do this to you? Where is your self-respect?

I forgot I HAD self respect when I met these two

(got to keep a sense of humour)

Chinafoot wrote: »

unless HE decides to stop handing over the money he will continue to put his mother and the child before you. Its as simple as that.

Oh God - that sounds like his WIFE and child...which is essentially what she's trying to be...:eek: :eek: :eek:

Chinafoot wrote: »

He isn't going to reach breaking point if you are subsidising him. Make the decision to let him fend for himself. Make him see that he can't continue like this, financially at least. You have the ability to make that happen

A very scary statement! Is it Hallowe'en already? You know THINGS, don't you?! and I'm sitting here like the town fool wondering HOW he still has a car...

I don't mean to offend OP, but you haven't once said that you love your partner. Do you really think so little of yourself that you are going to settle for "getting on well" with someone who treats you in this way?[/QUOTE]

throw momma from train wrote: »

I don't want it to end with him - I love him to bits. It HAS taken a lot out of me, yeah, but I don't think anyone could end such a long term r/ship JUST over one thing that wasn't violence/abuse/cheating

Chinafoot wrote: »

If he has issues with guilt and being scared of her then he needs to get help!

I'm going to have to make him. Going to have to pay for it too...

Chinafoot wrote: »

You are in complete denial as to his treatment of you.

Really, I'm not in denial (and not denying that either!) - I've told him billions of times that he needs to stop and that if he did then his father and sister might be finally held accountable and be the ones rightly harrassed into paying for their costs, instead of him.
And we do have rows about me having to pay all some months.
I DO know he's treating her better and without any reason to and I DO feel hurt and angry.
She's a very clever woman - She reared herself a dancing monkey.
But I don't completely blame her. Only 99%.
The 1% is his actual awareness of paying his way with me (the difference between right and wrong) just before she screams poverty again on any given week. And he consciously obeys her, because she will hit and I won't...

throw momma from train

spinandscribble wrote: »

CBT might be the way forward as it focuses on what you can do in the future, not the past. Sometimes counselling is just rehashing all the wounds and then the slow process of moving on. A counsellor I know refers to counselling as a layered cake. You can go and go but only take a little bit of the layer off. CBT is more like building up your own cake and focusing on that

Thanks spin, will Google it

The Sweeper

Leave him.

Honest to God, it's really that easy.

This will never change.

You need to study the Karpman drama triangle and realise you're on it. You, your partner, his mother. There are three points on the drama triangle - the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. They are turnabout roles that feed into each other in a perpetual hell of interpersonal messed-up-ness (and that's my take on it, as you may tell from the language).

You're playing your role in the drama triangle to a T, facilitating your partner, and allowing your boyfriend's mother to ruin your life.

This relationship is over. You need to get out of it, and you need to get yourself into counselling, because you're going to have a HELL of a lot of anger, resentment and grief to work through. When you end this relationship you're going to be extremely vulnerable, and you need to give yourself time to work through wtf just happened for the last decade, and what it is, in you, that made you allow other people to have such massive control over your life.

This is YOUR life. Your boyfriend's mother can't wreck it if you don't let her.

OP I started reading this thinking I felt very sorry for you, but the more this goes on, the less sympathy I have.
You are becoming institutionalised as someone else said. You are staying in this relationship and railing about the injustice of it all, but you DO have control over the situation - you can leave.
He is a grown man and very aware of his actions. He is deliberately choosing to put her first and let you hang for the money. He should be standing up to defend you at the smallest slight, not letting you call the guards and then ignoring it.
YOU are a grown woman and well aware that you are in a damaging, dysfunctional relationship where your partner thinks nothing of taking all your money and let you take crap from his mother. Furthermore, he has refused to seek any kind of help whatsoever. Whatever about his "brainwashing" and "terror", he is refusing to even try and do anything about it. For you, his partner, as well as for himself.

You need to leave, because you cannot change him and you never will.

You spoke about the mother "letting" the father blow all his money in the pub: YOU are "letting" your OH blow all his money on his mother. Exact same situation and you're doing the same thing as her. Maybe you should think about that.

Once again, I suggest you leave. Maybe one day in the future he will come to his senses and contact you again when he has broken free, but I doubt it.

Taltos

OP - I am going to keep this short and apologies if it appears overly harsh.

It does NOT matter how much you love him.
He does NOT and CANNOT love you back.
If he did he would NEVER EVER treat you like the way he is or let his manipulative b1tch of a womb doner mess in your relationship like she is.

Leave him - it might be the catalyst he needs to change.
Leave him - you deserve to be happy, you only have one life and you are tossing it down the toilet staying with this family.

Don't blame her. Don't blame him. Don't blame the dad. Blame yourself - you are choosing to let them drag you down. Stop it today. Tell them all to just go to hell and walk away while you still can...

metrovelvet

His mother is who she is. You know that. She is not going to change because doing what she does works for her.

In this toxic family system you are an enabler and you have your part in it. You can see the abuse and yet you choose to stay within it and facilitate it.

tinkerbell

I've read the rest of the thread from when I previously posted and have come to the conclusion that you need to ask your partner to choose. You've been together for 10 years, after that amount of time, you and your partner should be putting each other first. When a man and woman get married, their duty is to their spouse - their parents no longer come first. You and your partner have been together for so long that it's the same thing - you both should be putting each other first.

He doesn't care about you at all. He thinks his mother and her happiness are much more important than you. He's quite happy to ruin your life by making you pay bills, etc while he just hands over money to his mother. I cannot believe he gives her his ATM card, like WTF? :eek: That's just insane. He's a total mammy's boy.

You need to tell him that you will no longer contribute his share towards the household. If he doesn't pay the bills, then he needs to move out. Because at the end of the day, if your rent is €500 each and he gives €500 to his mother so won't pay the rent, you're indirectly giving that evil woman €500. I don't believe in ultimatums normally but this case calls for it. He either chooses you or chooses her. And he needs to grow a pair. If you had a child together, things would be even worse.

pow wow

You're directing your anger at the wrong person - if your bf didn't give in to his mother then you wouldn't be posting here would you? I don't think you should be too angry at him either tbh, he has lived his whole life with this woman and it's a choice he makes, whatever the reasoning behind it. Despite how it may seem to you, he knows his mother much much better than you do. No matter how much you think you know, you really don't until you've walked in his shoes and had the life he has had.

There's none of us that know how we would be in her situation with an alcoholic husband, a cokehead daughter who doesn't care about her kid and raising a child that she gets zero help with. Your bf is the only avenue she has and she takes it. I don't know that I'd behave any better if it were me.

Ultimately it's your boyfriend you need to be focusing on - and getting him to understand that it's not a situation you're willing to continue with. It doesn't need to be an ultimatum, but if he's completely blinkered about the issue then it may come to that. You do run the risk of giving him an impossible choice to make.

Cork Exile

OP,
How does another 10 years of the same behaviour sound to you?

You've spent 10 years trying to get your boyfriend to change his ways in regards to his mother and nothing.....absolutely nothing has changed, am I correct?

What has another decade in store for you if he hasn't made the effort this far?

LittleBook

throw momma from train wrote: »

But I don't completely blame her. Only 99%. The 1% is his actual awareness of paying his way with me (the difference between right and wrong) just before she screams poverty again on any given week. And he consciously obeys her, because she will hit and I won't...

No sweetheart, usually when it's two people in a problem it's 50/50 ... in this situation, it's as simple as give and take ... he gives, the mother takes.

Seriously, do you think your partner is only 1% aware that what he's doing is wrong? He has had time, support, options and outside perspective to assist him in breaking away from this woman and he hasn't.

Meanwhile, as an enabler you are 50% responsible for perpetuating the situation you find yourself in with your partner, it's not all him.

And if you end up with children who are involved with or affected by this woman, you will be 50% responsible for that too.

Elle Collins

throw momma from train wrote: »

She could kick him out, couldn't she?

She could, and should, but she wont. Just like you could kick your own bloke out, and should, but wont. That's one thing you and she have in common anyway.

Look, a woman with self-respect does not sit around for ten minutes of this crap, never mind ten years. Stop concentrating on everyone elses behaviour and go and get counselling for yourself. You need to figure out why you've been putting up with this.

pickarooney

You can't change the mother.
You can't change him.
It will be hard enough to even change yourself but that's the only thing you can and need to do.

He's your direct problem but you excuse him, blaming the mother.
She's his direct problem but he excuses her, blaming the father
The father is her direct problem but she excuses him etc. etc.

Bad as it might be, you have a choice to get out of this mess, which is more than the poor child living with the abusive gransdmother has.

throw momma from train

The Sweeper wrote: »

You need to study the Karpman drama triangle and realise you're on it. You, your partner, his mother.
There are three points on the drama triangle - the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. They are turnabout roles that feed into each other in a perpetual hell of interpersonal messed-up-ness (and that's my take on it, as you may tell from the language).
You're playing your role in the drama triangle to a T,
facilitating your partner, and allowing your boyfriend's mother to ruin your life.
When you end this relationship you're going to be extremely vulnerable, and you need to give yourself time to work through wtf just happened for the last decade,
and what it is, in you, that made you allow other people to have such massive control over your life.

This is YOUR life. Your boyfriend's mother can't wreck it if you don't let her.

Thank you The Sweeper - until now I never thought I could do anything to stop it. Except stop it, which seems to be the answer, if you know what I mean. Without ending the r/ship, which I really don't want to - I'm happy overall/despite and all that.

Nearly all posters here are saying to end it but I'm looking towards a more proactive approach - that is standing my ground and taking a trial at separation when this happens again (and it will), he might then realise the reality of living back under her roof again, paying for ALL of everything and still being constantly nagged and snapped at. He wouldn't have much left to live on every week then. And at his age to be back living with his mother?, who'll swipe all of his cash and tell him get himself a takeaway for dinner every night. That might wake him up. I am going to do it. I can and I will.

tinkerbell

throw momma from train wrote: »

Thank you The Sweeper - until now I never thought I could do anything to stop it. Except stop it, which seems to be the answer, if you know what I mean. Without ending the r/ship, which I really don't want to - I'm happy overall/despite and all that.

Nearly all posters here are saying to end it but I'm looking towards a more proactive approach - that is standing my ground and taking a trial at separation when this happens again (and it will), he might then realise the reality of living back under her roof again, paying for ALL of everything and still being constantly nagged and snapped at. He wouldn't have much left to live on every week then. And at his age to be back living with his mother?, who'll swipe all of his cash and tell him get himself a takeaway for dinner every night. That might wake him up. I am going to do it. I can and I will.

OP, I wouldn't suggest ending it. You've been together for 10 years and you love him. It's easy for someone to say "dump him" on an internet forum, but in the position you're in, it's not quite as simple as that.

I would suggest that you tell him that if he does not contribute to bills, etc. then he is out the door. Tell him that you are fed up of indirectly giving money to that woman, and will not tolerate it any longer. Ask him what will happen if you decided to get married and have children - how will you support your children with no money? Ask him why he thinks it is fair that he gives all his money away so that you have to cover all the household bills and keep a roof over your heads, yet you can't even afford a trip to the cinema while his mother lives it up (didn't you say that in a previous post?)

Tell him that once he starts contributing to the household, that he can move back in again. He needs to get a wake-up call because right now, he is having the easy life - you are covering his bills, and he's keeping his rotten mother happy.

Since he has a complete lack of any sort of financial responsibility, I would nearly even suggest that he sets up a standing order to your account on pay day. The minute the pay goes in, money comes out straight away to go into your account to cover the household bills. That way she can't get at it, because once it goes in - it comes out again.

Some couples let one person sort out all the finances, e.g. one half of the couple may just send all their wages to their partner everytime payday hits and let the partner sort out all the finances. Perhaps that could work for you. That way, you're in control of the money, he's not and you can cover the bills. Oh and I'd get a barring order from that psycho woman if you're going down that road to protect yourself.

throw momma from train

bluewolf wrote: »

You spoke about the mother "letting" the father blow all his money in the pub: YOU are "letting" your OH blow all his money on his mother. Exact same situation and you're doing the same thing as her. Maybe you should think about that

I suppose I am yeah, never thought of it that way though. Just that I am a fairly passive person and I don't cause a fuss about anything.
But that has to stop, because this is money we're losing out on and money we work hard for and both work and money are not easy to come by.
It's actually INSANE that I leave this be, the more I think about it.
Still deep in recession and he is parting with wages (and very, very lucky to have gotten a job again), to give to his mother, who's life is being made very easy because I am not doing anything to stop it...yeah, insane is the word and my name is X and I'm insane...

throw momma from train

metrovelvet wrote: »

His mother is who she is. You know that. She is not going to change because doing what she does works for her.

In this toxic family system you are an enabler and you have your part in it. You can see the abuse and yet you choose to stay within it and facilitate it.

Never saw myself acting as an enabler 'til I posted here but yeah, cos I've been taking a backseat role in all of it I've been indirectly supporting her too. Now that I realise this it's going to stop right here.
I DO get the rent he owes in the end but that's no good is it when I've had to 'sub' his share all at once on rent day and do without things myself for weeks because of it.

Reading people's reactions, replying to them, putting it all in text is actually shocking me but that's not a bad thing - I can't even explain it to my family or friends in conversation - I somehow make everything sound trivial - thanks Metro for your short, sharp reply and thanks to all Boards people for taking an interest so far.