Don't think I'll ever be good enough for anyone

LegacyUser

Advanced apologies if this sounds like a pathetic, whingy rant but it's something that is really getting me down to the point where I am in tears about it. Anyone I talk to tells me I'm being silly so I don't feel like I can bring it up again.

I'm getting so frustrated with my love life or lackthereof and it's really beginning to get me down. I've never had a relationship for longer than 3 months (if you can call 3months a relationship, i don't know). I'm 27 now and while I don't need a boyfriend, I am at a stage where a) I would like to meet someone and fall in love and b) am really beginning to wonder what is wrong with me.

I know there are plenty of people in their twenties who have yet to be in a relationship so I know I am not alone. I also know I have trust issues and still have issues with my body image and self esteem which I am working on through therapy.

I have had a few flings over the years and have had a few dates as well. My longest "relationship" was 3months but I ended it as I would have rather have been single than stay with him any longer. He was horrible to me. Told me I was the least attractive woman he'd ever been with and that, had he met my friends first, he wouldn't have even looked at me twice. I know I deserve better than that, so I ended it.

That was a few years ago and have only had one night stands until very recently. I met a lovely guy and we ended up dating for 2months. I initially pursued him then his interest in me picked up. He introduced me to friends, I introduced him to mine. It was all going nicely until he told me he didn't want to see me anymore. Fair enough- things don't work out the way you want all the time. It makes me wonder if I was stupid to end it with the horrible guy, as maybe that's all I can get if I want to share my life with someone else? Maybe that's all I deserve?

I just never seem to get past a certain point with guys in which they decide I'm worth the effort for them. No one ever approaches me in bars or clubs- which I know isn't the best place to meet people. No one ever approaches me in any other sort of context- if I ever get a date, it's because I've made the move. I've tried internet dating and while I've gotten plenty of offers, I've never followed them up as I figure when the guys meet me face to face, they won't want me anymore- I know this is self defeatist but this is the impact that years of rejection & singledom has on me. When someone is done with me, they're done. There is never any second chances or trying to get back in contact.

I'm told I'm not a troll by family and friends (I suppose they have to though, don't they?). I have a good group of friends and make friends easily so I don't think my personality is horrendous. I like to give people chances and certainly don't limit myself to any one type. Nor am I desperately looking for men and trying to get dates out of anyone I meet.

I know it's silly to worry about never finding someone but its beginning to be a real fear for me. I worry I'm never going to fall in love or be someone else's love. I know there are bigger issues in the world but everyone wants to feel desirable and attractive. I just feel like no man will ever see me that way.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

SurferDude41

Hi there,
At 27 you are still very young. Just take a few deep breaths and relax, you have loads of time yet.
Also please remember, all of your short 3 month relationships are rather like money in the bank. These people enter into all our lives for a reason, some will become a regular part of our lives for decades, and others may only remain for days or weeks.
Each and everyone of these people has a lesson to teach us, sometimes these lessons can be gentle...other times rather cruel..
Eventually you will meet someone who accepts and loves you, for who you are.

I am a 42 year old guy, and I still haven't met (Miss Right) I recently left an unhappy two year relationship, and I don't regret leaving for one second. It's better to be content in your own company, than to be very unhappy in a bad relationship.
So as the old proverb says (Its far better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.)
Kudos to you, for wearing your heart on your sleeve, and for daring greatly...and not being afraid to fail...very rare in this world...

I know a person, who met the love of his life recently, he is just so happy its unbelievable ( he is over 50 years old )

I wish you well on your path:) SD...

teaspach

Hi OP - It's pretty simple really... you just simply haven't met the right person. You seem to have met a few horrible guys, but it's best just to think of them as practice on the route to someone who really cares about you. The dating scene is tough, there is no doubt about it. Sometimes it can be an exercise in serial rejection. Also, as another poster said, you are really very young at 27. You have LOADS of time to meet someone, you just have to be patient. You could meet someone tomorrow, or it could be in 6 years. Just try and enjoy the journey. I am 33, and I am still trying to meet the right person.

Bars and clubs: Sometimes I think they are the best way to meet people, and other times I think they are the absolute worst. Men are usually to terrified to chat up women until they are absolutely blotto. One to many drunkards, and women start to give anyone who approaches a wide berth. Think about the places you are going. Are they good places to meet men? For example, in Dublin, I think Hogan's on George's St is a good place to meet people, whereas The Capital is a crap place, despite cheap cocktails, and loads of men and women.

Being approached: There is something you can do about this. Women initiate something like 90% of contact with men through non-verbal communication. Men think they choose who they are going to talk to, but it's usually because a woman has given them the green light first. If you see someone you like in a bar, just give them your warmest smile, and maybe flirt a bit. I don't think I have ever approached someone in a bar without first making eye contact with them, and seeing if there was any chemistry there. Try not to huddle in a corner with all your friends, turn yourself outwards towards the room. If you are in a large group try and separate yourself from it a little bit. You have to look like you are open to being approached.

Alternatives to Bars/Club: I would suggest you try getting involved in things you really love whatever that may be. Conversation/meeting up/phone numbers all happen a lot more naturally through a shared interest. If you meet people doing that, then you will have at least one thing in common. I met someone tonight in the swimming pool!

Internet Dating: why do you think guys won't want you after they meet you????? That makes absolutely no sense. Go for it! I have been on a lot of internet dates, never met anyone I had anything in common with, but it was good fun all the same. Think of it as just a bit of fun.. Don't go into with the frame of mind of, "I have to meet the man I am going to marry on this site, and it had better work out!"

And finally, try to relax... lose the emotional attachment to meeting someone, or at least release the grip a little bit. Try and have it at the back of your mind, but not the foremost of your thoughts. You WILL meet someone. Now, never give it another thought...

If I see you in a bar soon, I will definitely go and talk to you (-;

good luck!

Cooperspale

Heyyyy

I agree with all of the posters above. You are so young at 27.

I know that this will sound obvious but if you don't like/love yourself first you're missing one of the basic tools in a relationship.

As for the frogs/toads that are commenting on your appearance, that's just part of the life rollercoaster experience I say. If I had a cent for every name caller out there. They may be immature guys also, just saying this stuff so they push you away and don't have to deal with doing the break up themselves, in one word, idiots. You don't need 'em.

Personally, I have 3 brothers (in your age group) and witnessing some of the antics that have played out with their personal lives, at times it gave me little faith in the men out there.
You have had some relationships already. I didn't have my first proper introduce to the folks boyf until I was 29! Random nightclub/bar encounters and some short flings that wouldn't have exceeded 6 weeks in total for virtually all of my 20's, my family were actually beginning to wonder.
And even then, he turned out to be a bit of a nutter. I put up with a lot of rubbish because I didn't know any better and desperately wanted it to work out. After almost 2 yrs of something after having nothing, I was devastated when HE broke it off. Swore off them for a few yrs and then met someone when I was 35 and now finally settled with him 4yrs later. Sometimes you have to meet a lot of toads/idiots on your journey but think of the stories you will have when you're looking back on your life in 50 yrs time

So just to let you know, there is PLENTY of time and do not under any circumstances settle or put with any rubbish, you deserve and are worth so much more.
In the meantime enjoy yourself looking!!! In general, to find someone more longterm in my personal and very very varied experience: try and steer clear of those meat market pubs, don't get drunk or too drunk, join a club/activity, accept blind dates/intoductions, get out there and embrace life because rarely does love knock on your door. The one other thing I would say is to try & avoid being desperate or clingy, blokes can suss that out at 100paces.
And best of luck!

James400

OP, is there anybody at work or college etc who would genuinely interest you?

John400

James400 wrote: »

OP, is there anybody at work or college etc who would genuinely interest you?

Hi OP, i would echo the above. The amount of people who have eventually got together while working for the same company is quite common.

I have posted on this type of situation in recent weeks so i can only reiterate the advice i've been posting and giving single girls on here as a guy.

*You need to widen your net, you should be giving guys a chance who have an aspect or trait to them that you like but who you wouldn't normally consider dating...it could be somebody at work, college etc or elsewhere.

I'm not saying you have to date guys that you genuinely don't like, but if there's a guy who's genuine who has something about him that you like you should be giving these guys a chance.

Also, i've said it numerous times on here...being approachable, friendly with a sense of humour can leave a positive impression on guys. Even if a guy says hello to you be courteous even if you're having a bad day.

James400

John400 wrote: »

*You need to widen your net, you should be giving guys a chance who have an aspect or trait to them that you like but who you wouldn't normally consider dating...it could be somebody at work, college etc or elsewhere.

I'm not saying you have to date guys that you genuinely don't like, but if there's a guy who's genuine who has something about him that you like you should be giving these guys a chance.

Also, i've said it numerous times on here...being approachable, friendly with a sense of humour can leave a positive impression on guys. Even if a guy says hello to you be courteous even if you're having a bad day.

Believe it or not there are decent, genuine single Irish guys (or other) out there.

There are good guys out there, it's just a matter of finding them. OP, i agree with the other poster, you haven't found the right guy yet, that's how it seems to me.