Dating someone with a child

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'll try keep this short. I've been with my boyfriend for a while now and have recently moved in to his house. He has a ten year old daughter. He has joint custody so will see her regularly. I knew from the start that he had a daughter and it was never an issue for me and she really is a lovely child and we get on well. The thing is that since I've moved in I am finding the fact that he has a child more difficult than I thought. I don't know what it is exactly that I am finding difficult.

I'm nearly 30, I've never dated anyone with a child before so it is all new to me. It's also the aspect of having to share him with someone else. His idea of quality time is the 3 of us together, now while I like that too that is not always my wish, I want to have time with just the two of us. I don't want to come across as selfish or unreasonable. I think it's fair to expect this? Her mother isn't a great one either to be honest and she will often just leave the child with us or my boyfriend's parents. It angers me how she carries on but it's not for me to get in the middle of. The child said the other day that she wants to come live with us full time and I'm not sure how I felt about that. I don't feel ready I suppose and a bit overwhelmed. I didn't realise it would be like this dating someone with a child. The child really looks up to me too and I don't want to get in to any issues here with the mother. I also don't want to have to pick up her slack, she really is a selfish woman. Herself and her relationship come first.

I guess I'm asking for some advice from those who've been in this situation. Is how I'm feeling normal? What can/should I do?

Thank you.

metrovelvet

Ok Im not in that situation but you arent dating anymore, you are a step mom and maybe the reality of that is taking some time to adjust to. You have joined into this family and that is a big adjustment and maybe you didnt know what you were barganining for. Maybe reading a couple of books on it might help?

Slutmonkey57b

Provided you act responsibly, you'll be ok. What you're feeling isn't abnormal, and it's not unreasonable. But the other side is that you knew what you were getting into, and you don't have the luxury of just upping sticks at a moment's notice with a "this isn't working out" like someone who's dating a singleton does. You're not trapped, but if you choose to leave this, you've got to do it sensitively.

Do you love this man? If so, you'll find that it's an accommodation that might not always be easy, but you can do it. Joint custody means that - you will have time with him when it's just the two of you together, just not 7 full days a week.

Ave Sodalis

OP, first and foremost, do not get involved with the mother. Whatever she does, ignore it because falling out with her is possibly the worst thing you can do for that child.

You say the child is in joint custody; how often does he have his child? I'm assuming the mother is still the primary carer as she is the one who is dropping the child of. Do you know the reasons for this? Is it possible that she wishes the child to have more time with her father and his family?

I'm afraid that most people put their children ahead of a relationship for whatever time they have the child. You do have time for just the two of you, when the child is with her mother. The key in a relationship with a person with a child is to never expect that person to put you before the child and that means regarding quality time too.

The last line confused me slightly. Which relationship are you refering to when you say ''Herself and her relationship''?

I haven't been in your situation, but I have been in the same situation as the child.

Cheap Thrills!

You will end up picking up the slack. You do realise if you continue with this relationship you will end up as a StepMother?

The reality is the child is never going away.

You need to realise that this man and his daughter are a package deal.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Thank you all for your advice. When I say she puts her and her relationship first I mean that of her and her boyfriend. Even when it is her time to have the child she will say she can't do it and the child is left with us otherwise she would just leave her with anyone so she can go out or go on trips etc.

You are right it has gone beyond just dating someone with a child. I just never expected it to be this hard to deal with and I feel incredibily guilty for feeling this way too. Yes, I knew he had a child from Day 1 I guess I didn't bargain on it being so difficult at times. Yes I love this man dearly but I don't know if I want to be 'stepmother' yet. I feel overwhelmed. I realise if I decide to stop this then I'll have to do it delicately because she has grown attached to me. Do I leave now whilst there's still a chance of us all moving on or do I stick with it in the hopes that I will find things easier in time?

I don't get involved with the mother, I feel it is not my place and I never will get involved with her. I never thought about kids and all of a sudden this situation is here.

LegacyUser

OP, it's obvious you're not ready for this.

Why don't you tell your partner that you feel you moved in too soon, that you weren't as ready as you thought for living together? If he pushes it, you could say that yes, the move from single lady to family was a little fast and even though you love him it would be easier if things moved a little more slowly. Arrange to move back out while still keeping in close contact.

I think it would be the more honest thing to do. And much easier!

Slutmonkey57b

It might be easier for her, but that's stringing her partner and his child along according to her mood, and that's entirely the wrong thing to do. Either stay, and start to deal with the problems you're having (because in any relationship there will be problems) with the help of your partner, openly, or leave and don't come back.

Leaving with a vague "I'm sort of involved but sort of not and I'm not sure" leaves your partner, and his child, with no idea where they stand, and that's not fair at all.

If your partner's ex is meddling about in your life by changing arrangements at the last minute, then you can't butt in directly, but you need your man to grow a spine and fix that.

mood

I find it odd that you consider have a serious relationship where you are cohabiting as 'dating'. To me dating is when you are seeing someone but your not exactly boyfriend/girlfriend yet and don't know where things really stand. Maybe it's a reflection of how you feel ie not really committed to a serious relationship with this guy (and his child - that are a package). Maybe I'm wrong.

firefish

Hi, what you are feeling is extremely normal. It's silly for people to say "you knew what you were getting into", as really you don't know all the emotions that being with a guy with a child is going to unleash until you're in the middle of it! Its instructive that it seems that none of the people commenting above are in this situation themselves - v easy to be judgmental from the sidelines!
Being a stepmother is tough. If the child moves in with you, that will be tougher still. As Metrovelvet suggests, there are books out there that might help. There is one called "stepmonster" which I have not read but which from reading reviews seems to give a good explanation of where a lot of your feelings come from. There are also internet support groups, but the one problem with these is that they can get bogged down with negativity - all the posters are dealing with problems and it can start to feel like this situation is the worst in the world! I made the mistake of spending too much time reading these. But if you want to, you could try the step-parenting section of mumsnet (although this is sometimes invaded by v bitter mums who throw insults at the SMs) or www.childlessstepmums.com (this is private, but unlike mumsnet can be a bit full of bitter SMs! But there are good posters there).

It is good that his daughter is lovely. I am sure that you have a good relationship. Don't worry too much if you don't love her - sometimes partners can get upset about this,and you might feel the weight of expectations from outsiders - like and respect is enough, and this may or may not develop into love over time (as it has done for me, although our respective love does not and never will meet the intensity of love that she and her daddy have - sometimes I think he wishes I loved her just as much as he does, but that's not really realistic). Sometimes it feels like a thankless task being a SM, and you can get low if you don't always have saintly levels of patience, understanding and willingness to uncomplainingly sacrifice your couple time - you can feel evil and selfish. But just remember that few us are saints, don't be too hard on yourself. I am far from a saint but am now rubbing along ok and have even been thanked by the mother (despite us not having the warmest of relationships).

Speaking of the mother, it is normal as well to be annoyed by her. At the end of the day, most girlfriends don't have to deal with an ex having such a huge impact in their life., and it can be difficult! However, over time, hopefully this as well will be easier.

By the way your partner is key to making this whole thing work. Tell him your feelings (sensitively - it can be hard for men to accept that their situation can cause so much difficulties for their partner) and with luck he will understand and support you as much as possible so that the 3 of you can be happy together.

Sorry for the long post! In essence, don't worry you're normal, get some support, and decide if you can deal with all this.

magsybagsy1

I know this is a big deal and reading cheapthrills etc say they are a package I think you could possibly look at this from your partners side as a single parent. I read lots of forums (secretly addicted) and there is a single parents form and dads forum that might help maybe http://www.eumom.ie/forums.aspx?g=topics&f=25 I just think it is a super big deal and for the kids sake worth being sure sooner than one is usually sure....I don't mean to sound highly stung I just think it takes a truly wonderful and caring person to take someone else's child on and you are probably the right woman for the job Good luck with everything what ever happens x

common sense brigade

Herself and her relationship come first

To be honest you sound the exact same...

sam34

common sense brigade wrote: »

To be honest you sound the exact same...

yes but this woman has a child of her own to consider and prioritise. the OP doesnt.

metrovelvet

sam34 wrote: »

yes but this woman has a child of her own to consider and prioritise. the OP doesnt.

Yes and no. THough the OP has to accept that her OH will be prioritising another relationship, his and his daughters, at least in theory. It often works out that this does not happen in practise.

common sense brigade

yes but this woman has a child of her own to consider and prioritise. the OP doesnt.

The op is a stepmom now and should be prioritising the child the same as she would a child of her own. If she cannot do that she should walk away before the child is hurt.

metrovelvet

common sense brigade wrote: »

The op is a stepmom now and should be prioritising the child the same as she would a child of her own. If she cannot do that she should walk away before the child is hurt.

I don't think you can expect someone to prioritise someone else's child as they would their own. THey never will. But they do have to accept a partner that will do that. ANd that the home you live in is also the child's home too.

And as a step mother you become the second most important woman in the child's life. That is a big deal.

common sense brigade

I don't think you can expect someone to prioritise someone else's child as they would their own. THey never will

Disagree there are plenty of step parents out there who treat their stepchildren as they would their own child.

metrovelvet

common sense brigade wrote: »

Disagree there are plenty of step parents out there who treat their stepchildren as they would their own child.

And there are plenty who don't. And there are plenty who think they do until they have their own. I think its unreasonable to expect them to personally. Why would they?

common sense brigade

And there are plenty who don't. And there are plenty who think they do until they have their own. I think its unreasonable to expect them to personally. Why would they?

I can only speak from my own experience being a stepchild i was never treated any different. I guess the reason some people treat their stepchildren the same as a biological child is, Love. I know some people cannot do that and it doesnt make them bad people im not saying that. but maybe the OP should leave if the situation is not working out for her. My brother in law has a stepdaughter who lives with him. She calls my brother in law Dad, and he has told all of us she is his daughter and he loves her the same as his own biological son. I dont doubt him for one second he really does love the child.