Stressed out...

MiniSquish

Myself and my boyfriend are on a break. It started because I told him about some problems I was having with our relationship the other night and he said we should take a break, it feels like he's punishing me for expressing my feelings even though he has always told me I can tell him anything. My ex and I had a break and after he broke up with me. I'm so paranoid that this is going to happen again, my friends keep telling me to beat him to it and just break up with him because they don't agree with how he treats me but I just don't know what to do. I'm having trouble sleeping the last few days because I really am just so worried that he's gonna break up with me over this thing that I wish I had never even said now... What would ye do in this situation? I've told him that Saturday is the deadline. I'm not being strung along like this any longer.

Gunslinger92

Well what kind of problems are they? Is it possible that he suggested the break because he is having the same issues, and you just haven't realised it?

Maybe you should try talk to him again, and emphasize that you don't want the relationship to end?

I don't really believe in the whole taking a break thing..

Good luck!

MiniSquish

The only issue really and it sounds really pathetic is the amount of time he spends on the computer. He's really involved in World of Warcraft and stuff like that and while I admire how creative he is and everything it annoys me that so many of our plans depend on what plans he has made on the computer (literally every day). We never do anything without it being planned days in advance, I could never just randomly ask him to the cinema, for lunch etc. I have expressed that I don't want to break up and told him that I have no issues with his personality (he got very down on himself after the chat), it's just that I would like to be given as much consideration as his WoW buddies are. My friends are so against me continuing this relationship but I don't even care because this guy really is lovely even if they don't agree with how he spends his time.

Gunslinger92

I actually kiinda know what you mean, my brother is obsessed with this thing called Tribal Wars, and sometimes if I need a lift off him, at x o clock, he'll say something like "ok, but is 10 mins earlier alright? I have an attack coming in"

I just laugh it off because it's my brother, but I can see why it would be an issue for you. I am quite baffled that he suggested taking a break over this though!

Maybe try gently suggesting that he cuts down on the WoW?

I don't really know what advice to give you, I'm sorry I have limited experience

MiniSquish

It's fine, thanks. I have never experienced this before. He does have alot of hobbies relating to the computer and I'll admit I don't. He gets mad because he says he has never made me base our plans around the gaming but when he enjoys it so much and gets excited coming up to Tournaments and stuff I feel a bit mean if he misses out because of me. We were supposed to be moving in together in the coming weeks and now we could be breaking up.. Re: what your brother is like, I get that but what I get is " What time do you think we'll be home from town? Just so I can tell the lads when I'll be ready to play"

Ickle Magoo

I think you need to request some parameters to this break - not just so you don't feel so powerless but also so there is a finite time on how long the status quo continues for.

Relationships are all about compromise and if he isn't prepared to compromise then I'm afraid you don't have a relationship worth having. If he is punishing you and trying to use some kind of emotional blackmail to ensure he doesn't have to meet you half-way then that's bang out of order. You have to be strong, you know the kind of relationship you want, if he can't provide it then there are plenty of other men out there that share all his good qualities and won't put you second to a computer game.

All the best.

MiniSquish

Yeah you're right that's what I was trying to do when I said to him that he had until Saturday to make his mind up. I have a busy weekend ahead of me with family and friends parties and I just want all this resolved before then. He was supposed to meet some of my family on Sunday so if we do break up it'll be fun explaining to them why he isn't at the gig.

OhMeOhMy

I can totally identify with your situation. I never actually went out with someone who was into WoW (thank god!!), but my housemate of a year and a half was OBSESSED with the fecking thing

It's like a whole other life is led through the realm of this game and there woud have been time periods of as long as a week where he never even left the house

To be honest, fair play to you for sticking it out. I think you are definitely right to tell him how you feel about it. I don't think I would dwell very much on you being overly upset, I would moreso let him know clearly that his lifestyle is not conducive to yer relationship and then I would let him decide whether to grow up and live in the real world or to continue with WoW

I know you must be very upset, but in reality, how far can you see this relationship going while he continues to immerse his self in cyberspace? If telling him how you feel causes him to want to take a break and make you feel like you have done wrong instead of waking up and seeing that he is the one with the problem - then it doesn't bode well

MiniSquish

I know that. I am not the only one to say this- his father complains to me on a constant basis about how he feels like his son isn't even living in the house with him, his sister apparently is hurt that he never spends any time with or expressing any interest in her. Whether its with me or not, his life needs to change or as my Dad says "life will pass him by". My ex has expressed interest in me again (ironically since I have started dating this guy) who I have been with for the last year. My ex isn't as nice of a guy as this guy but as my friends have pointed out I seemed more content when I was with him.

OhMeOhMy

I'd say for your own sake - forget about the ex for the moment and concentrate on either fixing this relationship or getting over it. When we become discontent in our current relationships, it's natural to look to the past and think that everything was rosy, but in reality - things had obviously gotten to a stage with your ex where it was break up time

I think in this situation - the onus is on your boyfriend to change his lifestyle. I's not like you are picking this outta thin air - his family feel the same so at the moment, it seems that this fella just has no capacity to maintain human social relationships. I think the thing people forget very often in these situations is that this is an actual addiction

MiniSquish

I completely agree. I think that it is easier for him to just suggest a break than to actually look at himself and see that he needs to change. He uses this Forum so I know there's a chance he might see this. I honestly expected people to think that I was in the wrong in this situation and I am glad to see that I am not blowing things out of proportion because I was starting to feel like a fish wife- constantly complaining

OhMeOhMy

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TashaMonster

I know exactly how you feel, my OH used to be really into WoW. I can't express how frustrating it was to be constantly waiting for him to finish an instance or quest so we could go somewhere. Thankfully he doesn't play as much anymore and he can go months without logging in.

What it took for him to stop playing so much was pressing " /played ". This tells you how much game time you've racked up.

When my OH saw that over a one year period he'd played for over 60 days it was enough to shock him into logging off and not playing again for 6 months.


He stil buys and downloads every expansion but it's always there at the back of his mind how much time he wasted on this game and he rarely actually plays it anymore.

MiniSquish

Last night we ended up talking and it turns out that he wasn't asking for a break because he wanted to break up, he just wanted time to think without the back and forth arguing. He says he will never be the kind of person that isn't interested in the computer but that he agrees that he needs to give me more consideration. We've both agreed to take another stab at things and work at making it work. Thanks for all the replies and advice people!

Wompa1

MiniSquish wrote: »

Last night we ended up talking and it turns out that he wasn't asking for a break because he wanted to break up, he just wanted time to think without the back and forth arguing. He says he will never be the kind of person that isn't interested in the computer but that he agrees that he needs to give me more consideration. We've both agreed to take another stab at things and work at making it work. Thanks for all the replies and advice people!

Glad you guys sorted things..I think that's the way breaks work..the other person folds before the deadline if they want to get back..unfortunately for me the other person in my case wasn't folding and left me for somebody else.

Cottontail

MiniSquish wrote: »

I know that. I am not the only one to say this- his father complains to me on a constant basis about how he feels like his son isn't even living in the house with him, his sister apparently is hurt that he never spends any time with or expressing any interest in her. Whether its with me or not, his life needs to change or as my Dad says "life will pass him by". My ex has expressed interest in me again (ironically since I have started dating this guy) who I have been with for the last year. My ex isn't as nice of a guy as this guy but as my friends have pointed out I seemed more content when I was with him.

From what you are saying here, his computer games seem to be impacting a lot on his life and many of his relationships, is there any chance he could have an addiction?

MiniSquish

Wompa1 Ive had that situation before so I know how horrible it is. Cottontail I don't know if he's addicted, it's something that he really enjoys but I think he could give it up if he really wanted to but I'm not asking him to do that, I'm just asking him to moderate his usage. Hopefully he will

extra-ordinary_

Addiction isn't always about giving up or not. It goes into things like food, etc where giving up isn't even an option.

Addiction is how a particular behaviour impacts on one's life. - how it becomes the most important thing and how it's put ahead of everything else. The people to feel it most are those close to the addicted person, often feeling hurt, rejected and ignored. What you said about his Dad and sister is really sad.

I wish you all the best OP and hope your situation works out. You're entitled to have the sort of relationship that you want. Don't settle for less.

Speaking as a former WoW addict... I duno. I think it has to be up to the person to get over it themselves. Maybe if you do leave he'll realise just how big of a deal it is. Otherwise it'll just be hoping to continue the status quo.

MiniSquish

Thanks everybody, obviously now that I had to go to these lengths to show how upset it was making me if it gets repeated I won't be staying around for long.