Found hubby on dating sites - what should I do

daniels sister

I posted a week ago suspecting my hubby was having an affair and now have found him on a couple of dating websites..........

What should I do now????????

The plot thickens.......

Ickle Magoo

Have you spoken to him? Surely if he is giving you sufficient cause for concern, the first thing you do is talk to him about it?

daniels sister

Talk to him?
Somehow I feel its gonna develop in to a full scale row!!!
At my friends house at mo - ~i certainly well be speaking with him tomorrow once kids are at school......

daniels sister

Oh no, kids have no school tomorrow

Ickle Magoo

Well, I mean why you haven't spoken to him the minute you had concerns last week and now with the dating sites. Did you take on board any of the advice you got last time? You think your husband is having an affair and you are fairly sure he has set up dating site profiles - I think a degree of conflict is not only unavoidable at this stage, it's essential.

You are asking us what you should do - why are you so reluctant to have a face-to-face conversation voicing your concerns to him? So, the kids are off school...this is your husband potentially cheating or attempting to cheat we are talking about! While the easy option is just to talk yourself out of confronting this issue, you aren't being fair on yourself to live with this hanging over you. You may be faced with some tough truths and decisions ahead but putting them off isn't going to change that.

All the best.

daniels sister

Whilst I did have suspicions last week, I did voice my concerns of a row and him, accusing me of not trusting him and thus causing more tension.

I now have proof!! and certainly will be confronting the situation.
Thanks for your reply and advice

mood

Talk to him asap.

How did you find him on the sites? Did he have a photo up etc?

dan_d

Talk.
Not confront (unless he denies, possibly)
But you have to talk to him about it, there's not much point in talking to us about it, at least until you've asked him what he's at.

whatsamsn

Sorry to hear your situation op.

As others say, confront him.
But be prepared for him to either be defensive or walk away.
People being honest when caught is in the minoirity ... People lying, twisting, walking away acting in a huff (etc etc) are in the majority.

I've seen people get caught red handed and only to try to manipulate their reasons as to why because of a recent fight or it being an 'innoncent stupid mistake' :rolleyes:

Wompa1

When I was in relationships I tended to still chat to people online, mostly girls..I was actually asking advise on my relationships though...you'd best checking the site and make sure it says he's looking for dating or whatever before you fly off the handle too much.

Maybe it says for Chat, Talk etc.?

In my situation my g/f wasn't very easy to talk to about her feelings, so I used the chats to try and figure things out a little...made no difference in the end..she actually found out about it and got upset so I deleted all my accounts..These weren't dating sites I was on either..Just chat rooms.

mood

Wompa1 wrote: »

When I was in relationships I tended to still chat to people online, mostly girls..I was actually asking advise on my relationships though...you'd best checking the site and make sure it says he's looking for dating or whatever before you fly off the handle too much.

Maybe it says for Chat, Talk etc.?

In my situation my g/f wasn't very easy to talk to about her feelings, so I used the chats to try and figure things out a little...made no difference in the end..she actually found out about it and got upset so I deleted all my accounts..These weren't dating sites I was on either..Just chat rooms.

He is on dating sites no sites like boards or facebook! People who join dating site are either looking for a relationship or one night stands. There is no logical reason someone who isn't looking for either would join.

Wompa1

mood wrote: »

He is on dating sites no sites like boards or facebook! People who join dating site are either looking for a relationship or one night stands. There is no logical reason someone who isn't looking for either would join.

I don't know...I'm not sticking up for him or anything. When I was on chat sites they were UK chat sites, no Irish people and that was fine for me..I actually don't know of any popular Irish chat sites but dating sites seem popular amongst the Irish. I've only been on two and my first time on them was this week. I've come across girls who only want to talk and stuff. There's even one girl who is pregnant and just looking for someone to talk to. But I guess if the OPs gut says something more is up than go with your gut

mood

It wouldn't make sense for a married man to join a dating site if he only wanted to chat to girls. Why risk a marriage just to chat!!! I just don't buy it as a possible reason he is on dating sites.

OP I can't remember your original post. What was he doing to make you suspicious in the first place?

common sense brigade

get more proof. join this site anonomously yourself and send him a message see how far he is willing to go. keep all evidance and divorce him and take everything

mood

common sense brigade wrote: »

get more proof. join this site anonomously yourself and send him a message see how far he is willing to go. keep all evidance and divorce him and take everything

He may not have cheated yet but obviously is looking to.

As far as I'm aware assets are split equally when a couple divorce. It mad you would suggest this before suggesting counselling etc.

common sense brigade

It mad you would suggest this before suggesting counselling etc.

point taken. get the evidance. join the site. then confront him and go to counselling. then divorce if you cant reconcile . Personally if i caught my husband cheating (I dont mean cyber cheating i mean physical cheating) then i wouldnt bother with counselling. i wouldnt be able to sit in the same room as him. but if you want to save ur marriage then counselling is a good idea. and some people can come back from it and be stronger. as to assets etc. i meant if youa are homeowners and you file for divorce the courts might assign the house to you if you have evidance of adultery. certainly if you have children he will not have a leg to stand on and you will get the house. let him see how far he gets with his internet connection when he is out in the cold.

Angeles

mood wrote: »

He may not have cheated yet but obviously is looking to.

As far as I'm aware assets are split equally when a couple divorce. It mad you would suggest this before suggesting counselling etc.

I'm sorry but i completely disagree with this.
Just because the guy is on a dating site does not mean he is looking for or even has intention of cheating.

I did this too a long time ago, and the only reason behind it was vanity.. my own self esteem, it felt nice to know that i'd "still got it", in a way that was harmless to my partner.

There could be a very good chance her husband is feeling low self esteem or many other reasons behind this.. best way is to ask.
As such the strength of the relationship's communication will dictate the outcome.

mood

Angeles wrote: »

I'm sorry but i completely disagree with this.
Just because the guy is on a dating site does not mean he is looking for or even has intention of cheating.

I did this too a long time ago, and the only reason behind it was vanity.. my own self esteem, it felt nice to know that i'd "still got it", in a way that was harmless to my partner.

There could be a very good chance her husband is feeling low self esteem or many other reasons behind this.. best way is to ask.
As such the strength of the relationship's communication will dictate the outcome.

Risking a relationship for a ego boost is very foolish.

Wompa1

mood wrote: »

Risking a relationship for a ego boost is very foolish.

But it could be because he is lonely, maybe she isn't spending any quality time with him and he wants to talk to somebody...just a suggestion

talkin

i was in same situation. he said he did it because he was bored and to make friends just to investigate what it was like and because i had a facebook account. i stayed with him for a while and than found out hed asked to meet up with at least one. i rang him told him to get himself and his stuff out of the house!! it was the betrayal that really bothered me the fact that he could do that and since he did do that what else had he done. can u get over the lies and deceiving? join the site under a false name contact him see what happens. play it smart

common sense brigade

But it could be because he is lonely, maybe she isn't spending any quality time with him and he wants to talk to somebody...just a suggestion

Mother of God! he wants either an ego boost or an affair.
If it looks like a rat , smells like a rat, walks like a rat, surfs the net like a rat. Its most likely a rat

daniels sister

I have taken on board what you've all said and yes can appreciate that the man I've been married to for 12 years does get lonely and I understand that. He's a naturally very chatty man, very funny and terribly flirty but to be honest, hand on heart, I feel thats as far as it goes with him. But where does the cheating start? Is it the intent, or the physical act?
However it doesn't excuse whats been going on.
The sites he was on are a type of seeking 'friend' sites - I do get the feeling, he is looking for company.
I'll keep you posted on the developments.....
Thanks for all your opinions

Corkblowin

common sense brigade wrote: »

see how far he is willing to go. keep all evidance and divorce him and take everything

get the evidance. join the site. then confront him and go to counselling. then divorce........ file for divorce the courts might assign the house to you if you have evidance of adultery. certainly if you have children he will not have a leg to stand on and you will get the house. let him see how far he gets with his internet connection when he is out in the cold.

if it looks like a rat , smells like a rat, walks like a rat, surfs the net like a rat. Its most likely a rat

That all comes across as pretty damn vindictive. You don't know the op, the op's husband, or anything about their relationship, but the guy is convicted and sentenced to death.

OP you seem like you taking your time, weighing up your options and not going in bald-headed for a fight - which is good - but I wouldn't advise going down the entrapment route - just tell him what you found & ask what is he playing at.

Only you will be able to tell from his reactions if he's lying to you or if its a relationship worth saving.

What I will say is that there's bound to be nothing surer to snap him out of whatever little fantasy world he's built than seeing his wife sitting at a computer with his dating site profile page open.

booboo88

whatsamsn wrote: »

Sorry to hear your situation op.

As others say, confront him.
But be prepared for him to either be defensive or walk away.
People being honest when caught is in the minoirity ... People lying, twisting, walking away acting in a huff (etc etc) are in the majority.

I've seen people get caught red handed and only to try to manipulate their reasons as to why because of a recent fight or it being an 'innoncent stupid mistake' :rolleyes:

Oh I know someone exactly like this, even confront with PROOF he's denying it

chicken fingers

Common sense brigades "take everything", is that the main thing?
Get all of his money?
You are giving some advice in a very bitter, agressive, vindictive manner.
Good counsel should be given and taken in a calm collected manner.
You have obviously been through something similar but please dont let your personal anger cloud your judgement and conviction of this man.

common sense brigade

You have obviously been through something similar but please dont let your personal anger cloud your judgement and conviction of this man

Nope im happily married Mystic Meg.. i did suggest go to counselling. and if he is cheating, why shouldnt she get vindictive? because its not politically correct?

brokensoul

common sense brigade wrote: »

Nope im happily married Mystic Meg.. i did suggest go to counselling. and if he is cheating, why shouldnt she get vindictive? because its not politically correct?

Doesnt make a blind bit of difference if he was having an affair or not. Irish Courts dont take infidelity into account when they are dividing up maritial assets.

Also, you cant divorce someone unless you are living apart from them for 4 years.

Apart from that, great post :rolleyes:

Silverfish

Okay folks, can we keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP, rather than arguing amongst yourselves over someone else's advice.

Thanks.

metrovelvet

Angeles wrote: »

I'm sorry but i completely disagree with this.
Just because the guy is on a dating site does not mean he is looking for or even has intention of cheating.

I did this too a long time ago, and the only reason behind it was vanity.. my own self esteem, it felt nice to know that i'd "still got it", in a way that was harmless to my partner.

There could be a very good chance her husband is feeling low self esteem or many other reasons behind this.. best way is to ask.
As such the strength of the relationship's communication will dictate the outcome.

You mean like when you are in a job you have no intention of leaving but you send out your cv anyway just to test out your marketability?

LegacyUser

I don't understand what the problem is with talking him.
You can keep posting here and between the way yourself and everyone else posts, you'd have him (hypothetically) on a dating site, sleeping around, and you kicking him out and changing the locks after confronting him within the space of a day's posts.
That's snowball thinking.
You really need to talk to him about this. There's something funky going on here.I've no idea whether the man is cheating, whether he just wants to chat, whether he's trying to boost his ego (btw - not advisable.Women don't see it like that), whether he likes looking at himself on computer screens, whether he's lonely...haven't a clue. And you're not going to know either til you talk to him.

daniels sister

Well have spoken with him.
I listened to his voice mail and there was a message on it from a woman.
She had trouble connecting to the call, so just kept saying 'Hello'.
So now he knows I listened to the voice mail and approached me about that, so then I mentioned the dating sites in a heated temper.
He got all defensive and has decided to pack his bags and gone!!
Won't answer his phone either when I ring or text
So upset now, the kids keep asking whats wrong!!
Just cry myself to sleep tonight.
Used to suffer from depression, think this is gonna push me back to taking the meds......need to stay strong for my family

This has all happened this evening........

Reesy

OP, that's really sad. Sorry for your troubles. Have you somebody who can support you this evening? Hope you get to talk with him over the next day or two to see what's going on. Hope it works out for you. Look after yourself these next few days.

common sense brigade

im so sorry OP, Try to remember he is in the wrong here. he upped and walked out on you and his kids rather than talk to you. he is manipulating the situation instead of owning up to you about the dating sites and apologising.
did he admit anything about the dating sites? and this woman on his phone what did he say about her? are you sure it wasant a wrong number or even bank or someone like that ringing?
try keep your dignity in tact and dont let him treat you like crap.