I think it's my personality :(

LegacyUser

I was at a comedy show a while back and as it was a small audience, the comedian spent a lot of time talking to everyone there. He came over to chat to me and my friends and was asking who was single and how long we were single for etc. When he got to me, he kept complimenting me on my looks and asked me the same questions. I told him that I was single and at that time I had been single for 9 months (and even then my previous 'relationship' was not much of one). He said that it was clearly not my looks that was the reason that I was single for so long, so it must be my personality. Obviously, I'm not going to take anything a comedian says too seriously but it got me thinking.

Without sounding up my own arse, I know I'm not a bad looking girl. I'm not a model or anything but I get compliments when I go out and I do look after myself, wear make up, look after my figure, wear nice clothes. Up til now (i'm 27), I kinda figured that maybe I just hadn't met the right guy, but it's dawning on me now that it's ME that is the problem. There's just something fundamental about me that makes men not want to be in a relationship with me. Even when I do date (and that's not often - the last time I dated anyone was for 3 months over a year ago), it always ends with the guy 'phasing me out' when he'll just stop texting/calling. It's getting so embarrassing that this happens to me every time I attempt to date someone. My family and friends keep asking why a girl like me is single and I know they are all beginning to realise that it's me that is the problem.

I just don't know what to do. I can make friends no problem and have an amazing set of close friends. But I just think there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unable to have relationships with men. Even with the 'relationships' I have had (if you could call them that - the longest was 3 months), the guys are usually really into me at the start and then gradually start to distance themselves. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the problem here is something to do with me.

Does anyone have any advice about what I can do? Is there any way to improve myself to make myself more attractive to guys? I really can't live with this embarrassment anymore of being phased out time and time again

Taltos

I know this might be a weird approach - but would you consider contacting your ex's to ask them honestly why it went wrong?
Tell them you are not looking to blame anyone or anything else, just you would like to understand if you are doing something you are not aware of.
Be prepared though - you might not like what you hear - but you have to sit through it all without getting visibly upset or you might not hear the one thing that is the lightbulb moment.
It might also be safer to ask your friends - but they don't have that level of knowledge of what you are really like in a relationship.

On a separate note your comment about always wearing makeup - sorry but personally I loved it when my girlfriends could just relax and be themselves without all the plasterwork. Could be me but I always wonder what that person is trying to hide, that and the extra time needed - so always being late was too much of a headwrecker for me.

Failing the above - maybe you are just attracted to the wrong type of guy and should instead consider broadening your "typical date guy".

Miss Fluff

phasedout wrote: »

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the problem here is something to do with me.:(

There is an element of truth in the above statement. That element being that the only thing wrong with you is that you are choosing the wrong men. That is all m'dear. You mention that they are all absolutely head-over-heels about you at the start? In my experience normally guys who are professing undying and being really intense like that are rarely keepers. Far better to take a softly softly chilled-out approach and see where it leads. You sound like a lovely girl and don't let one innocuous (albeit insensitive) comment throw you off course.

By all means if you have very close friends it is no harm asking one or two in confidence if there may be something that is putting guys off. By the sounds of it there is nothing bar your taste in unsuitable men.

Give yourself a break, he will come along

Wompa1

phasedout wrote: »

I was at a comedy show a while back and as it was a small audience, the comedian spent a lot of time talking to everyone there. He came over to chat to me and my friends and was asking who was single and how long we were single for etc. When he got to me, he kept complimenting me on my looks and asked me the same questions. I told him that I was single and at that time I had been single for 9 months (and even then my previous 'relationship' was not much of one). He said that it was clearly not my looks that was the reason that I was single for so long, so it must be my personality. Obviously, I'm not going to take anything a comedian says too seriously but it got me thinking.

Without sounding up my own arse, I know I'm not a bad looking girl. I'm not a model or anything but I get compliments when I go out and I do look after myself, wear make up, look after my figure, wear nice clothes. Up til now (i'm 27), I kinda figured that maybe I just hadn't met the right guy, but it's dawning on me now that it's ME that is the problem. There's just something fundamental about me that makes men not want to be in a relationship with me. Even when I do date (and that's not often - the last time I dated anyone was for 3 months over a year ago), it always ends with the guy 'phasing me out' when he'll just stop texting/calling. It's getting so embarrassing that this happens to me every time I attempt to date someone. My family and friends keep asking why a girl like me is single and I know they are all beginning to realise that it's me that is the problem.

I just don't know what to do. I can make friends no problem and have an amazing set of close friends. But I just think there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unable to have relationships with men. Even with the 'relationships' I have had (if you could call them that - the longest was 3 months), the guys are usually really into me at the start and then gradually start to distance themselves. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the problem here is something to do with me.

Does anyone have any advice about what I can do? Is there any way to improve myself to make myself more attractive to guys? I really can't live with this embarrassment anymore of being phased out time and time again

<snip>

Zaph

Wompa1, another post like that and you'll find yourself banned from this forum. I suggest you have a good read of the charter before posting here again.

LegacyUser

Well firstly a comedian is there to make fun, pick on the guy who's heavier than the rest or someone who has a weird hairdo etc..

...So he asked you a question then made an unfunny quip about "oh it must be your personailty" meaning your quite attractive and how is someone like you single, i mean how could he know anything at all about your personailty??(maybe he liked the look of you)

So just laugh off that comment, there is nothing "wrong" with you.. and i am sure Mr. Wonderful will come along and sweep you off your feet one day soon..

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I know this is going to be tough but your post reeks of insecurities. I mean you seem a pretty ok person, smart and obviously likeable as you have friends. But to say it is your personality that is the problem is such a terrible thing to say about yourself.

If I was you I would spend some time trying to get to know yourself. What you like and dislike and also what you want in a partner. If you have some of these things in mind then perhaps you can direct yourself more towards a guy that suits you.

Obviously you have been dating guys who have not been that into you, that is life. Not everyone is suited to eachother. Believe me there are plenty of guys out there for you but until you are confident in yourself you are going to find it difficult to meet them.

Wompa1

Zaph wrote: »

Wompa1, another post like that and you'll find yourself banned from this forum. I suggest you have a good read of the charter before posting here again.

Sorry. Kind of figured it was risky to post that in the first place. Won't happen again.

Zen65

phasedout wrote: »

....I know I'm not a bad looking girl. I'm not a model or anything but I get compliments when I go out and I do look after myself, wear make up, look after my figure, wear nice clothes. Up til now (i'm 27), I kinda figured that maybe I just hadn't met the right guy, but it's dawning on me now that it's ME that is the problem.

....It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the problem here is something to do with me.

Hi Op,

At the outset, and judging only from what you've written here, you sounded like the sort of person who should be very self-confident; you have the looks, the know-how & you seem smart enough to have figured out exactly why things were not working out as you would like.

And then you made a fairly fundamental error: you sought advice on your love-life from a comedian & a rocket scientist.

Comedian's are not known for their insight into relationships (yeah they can take the p1ss exceedingly well, but this is not a talent much in demand within relationships). As for rocket scientists .... well just watch "Big Bang Theory" some night and you'll get an idea as to how useful their advice might be.

I'm being a bit tongue-in-cheek with these comments, but in all seriousness I am trying to say you sound like somebody who had it all together and you've allowed yourself to slip into self-doubt, accelerated by the cutting one-liner of a comedian.

I think Miss Fluff had the best advice, you've potentially got a not-so-great taste in men, and that might actually be the result of your being so attractive. The kind of person who jumps to the top of the must-talk-to-that-hot-looking-lady queue might in fact not be the best type of mate. Pay more attention to the less pushy men around you (who also think you're very attractive but don't have the verbal BS skills to impress you right away) and see how they might work out.


Be at peace,

Z

MsMaryMc

don't be so hard on yourself, i was 27 when i met my husband and prior to that all my relationships had been pretty short bar a nine month one at 24. I think that maybe you are focusing too much on the lack of relationships, its all about quality not quantity.

Focus on loving yourself (toucy feely as it sounds) and the rest will follow.

Chuchoter

If you're still on good terms with one of your exes, I'd ask them to be brutal and tell them what happened. Its nothing to do with you being bad or unwanted, its probably just something you don't even realize you're doing that you can only fix if you're aware of it.

The other problem might be that maybe you keep going out with assholes who are mean to you.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for all the replies.

Unfortunately I'm not in touch with any of the guys I've been out with. I know it might help me to ask them where I went wrong. I have tried asking my friends but they keep telling me that there is nothing wrong with me which doesn't really help!

Miss Fluff wrote: »

That element being that the only thing wrong with you is that you are choosing the wrong men. That is all m'dear. You mention that they are all absolutely head-over-heels about you at the start? In my experience normally guys who are professing undying and being really intense like that are rarely keepers. Far better to take a softly softly chilled-out approach and see where it leads.

This has defo given me something to think about. It's been the guys that have really chased me that have ended up running away just as quickly. There have been a couple of guys that I dated briefly that didn't chase me as such, and they didn't phase me out - things just fizzled or whatever.

Why can't things just be straightforward?!!

Medusa22

I just want to offer another opinion, feel free to ignore. Perhaps you could examine how you acted in your other relationships, is there a recurring theme? Did you text/call them a lot even if they didn't reply or did you want to see them everyday?

I am wondering if the guys felt smothered and panicked. You seem like a nice girl and you are attractive so I'm trying to think of other reasons that they would phase you out.

Did you discuss marriage and babies? (very stereotypical I know but I am looking for reasons that they would suddenly become disinterested)

I have a friend who is a nice person and she is attractive but she has had very few relationships and they have all been short, I think this is because she smothers the guys and they lose interest.

cantdecide

The big question is exactly how did your previous relationships actually draw to a close finally? You could try to speak more specifically about your relationships- how did they begin, were you happy, did you spend lots of time together, was there affection etc.

I would suspect that it is, as Medusa22 suggests because of being smothered but my suspicion is that it might be the opposite. Maybe you're making them do all the running around?

IME, my mates would tolerate the (reasonably) possessive type over the fairly distant type. Personally, if I were doing all the chasing, I'd start to feel pretty foolish pretty quickly. Especially so if you are the good-looking, 'in-demand' type where people might think you're being aloof.

LegacyUser

I can honestly say I defo don't smother the guys I date! And I would never ever mention marriage and babies to a guy! And I would only expect to see a guy a couple of times a week during the first few months.

With the last guy I dated, he did all the chasing at the start. However, I felt after a few dates that I should start initiating texts / calls or suggesting things to do because I thought it was unfair that he should be doing all the running. I would say from then on, I initiated contact about once or twice a week which IMO is not excessive. He did make a dig at me once saying that I called him alot which made me paranoid - I checked my phone and I had called him twice in the previous 3 weeks. Seems I can't win As soon as I started initiating contact with him he gradually lost interest.

LegacyUser

OP it sounds to me like you are attracting the type of lads who just want a trophy girlfriend.
They like a challenge, will chase you down until you go on a date with them, they have bagged the 'prize', [ie the very hot girl---You], they can brag to their friends abit, they get an ego boost for themselves, but then after a few months the novelty has worn off for them and they get bored.
They have proved to themselves they can get a really gorgeous girl, so it's onto a new challenge for them.

I don't think this is your fault. From the threads I see here, I am starting to think that extremely goodlooking girls have just as much/if not more trouble in finding relationships.
You don't seem to be too clingy or any of the other common scenarios, I think you are just attracted to the wrong guys.

I think that by now you should recognise what these types of guy's approaches are. If as you say they are the type who do all the chasing or make it very clear they find you sexy right from the start, and just flatter you until they eventually get with you, then maybe give the other types of guys a chance.

There's nothing wrong with a guy saying he fancies you, or even chasing you for awhile, but what else is he doing? Go for someone who is actually taking an interest in and asks questions about YOU, what makes you tick, what do you like, what are your interests/passions etc. Someone who actually has an interest in what you are like as a person, not just how you look.
Maybe even do abit of the initial chasing yourself?
Lads who just smother you in over the top cheesy flattery until they get what they want are probably best avoided.

cantdecide

I think you can win but not with everyone. Maybe your ‘type’ is the problem as suggested above. Maybe they’re just cold fish?

IMO, if a relationship can’t go beyond you call too much/ not enough type boundaries then it was probably doomed from the start. In a word, Communication. If he wouldn’t begin communicating, then where could it possibly have gone?

You have to identify what you want from a relationship. My housemates (couple) for example, have a very devoted relationship. In the beginning they tried to hide from me that they speak/ text/ IM several times a day in case I’d make fun. He would text her when he finished work to let her know he’s on the way home etc. I think it’s very endearing but some would say that that’s too much.

In your case, you probably handled things well but it’s totally subjective. Maybe the next guy will think you’re the cold fish and want you to show him the love!