Large girls dissing slim friends

LegacyUser

A friend recently told me that she knew a slim girl years ago. My friend was a size 16 at the time and was jealous of this girl because she was always being chatted up.
Recently she bumped into this girl and the girl had put on weight and my friend was very happy about this. My friend has since lost weight but she wouldnt be skinny.
I thought this was a bit mean spirited TBH. I am actually slim and felt a bit miffed although I didnt say this. I have noticed sly remarks from my friend about my weight but I brushed them off. Small things such as, "wearing that top accentuates love handles." The top was mine and I don't have love handles.

I hate this crap TBH. Why can't friends be happy for each other? I am naturally slim but as I've gotten older I can't eat whatever I want. I have to watch what I eat and exercise. If someone is jealous, why not jump on a treadmill and love the body you're in instead of being jealous of someone else?

My issue with this is that my friend is coming to stay with me for a week very soon and this has annoyed me. Is there anything I can say, if this issue comes up?

LittleBook

When I read posts like yours, I always wonder what is the poster's definition of "a friend".

Why can't friends be happy for each other? Friends ARE happy for each other and they don't make "sly remarks". I can't imagine any of my friends saying anything "mean-spirited" to me.

If you insist on being friends with this person, the next time she says something, simply and calmly say "Wow, that's a bit rude, I'd never make a personal remark like that!"

Or you might want to raise your standards for "friends" a little.

Friend (noun)

Definition:
• a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family
• a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
• someone who is not an enemy and who you can trust
• a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

cantdecide

Good post.

There is a large group of female ‘friends’ that I’ve known down the years. There’s one girl in particular that is an absolute stunner but also a quiet, modest, genuine person. TBH, seeing the daggers that one or two of this girl’s ‘friends’ have for her is a little sickening actually. If I ever told her what they had said to me behind her back, she’d never speak to them again. I will never figure out how they think that that is okay.

OP, you haven’t painted a brilliant picture of your friends. As above, maybe you should seek more wholesome company.

LegacyUser

OP here. People have faults and this just happens to be one of my friend's. We all have faults. I'm not going to dump her as a friend because of this.
In general I have noticed bitchiness amongst women. It's not the first time I've seen this behaviour.

Elle Collins

I can relate to this. I know one girl who looked at me with something approaching horror when we met up having not seen each other in a while. During that time I'd been ill and lost some weight. She spent the evening eyeing me up and down and making mock-concerned comments about the 'serious amount of weight' I'd lost and how 'worrying' it was. I'd dropped one dress size. :rolleyes:

Jenneke87

I have been on the recieving end of that kind of behaviour a number of times. I'm tall and slim and some girls who would be considered "overweight" thought it necessary to spread rumours I was anorexic and threw up my food and things like that. In reality I can eat anything I like, i'm just not gaining any weight(not that I mind though:p)

It pretty much stopped when I made a snide remark about their weight after they made one again about mine.

mood

I naturally slim as well no matter what I eat or how much I eat. Some so called friends used to make jealous, bitchy comments about my figure all the time. I agree that these are not real friends and I purposely lost contact with them. To be fare they were bitchy about everything and everybody but not so bluntly or to anyones face except me.

I also find strangers I have just meet sometimes comment that I'm slim. If you meet someone who was overweight would you pass a comment? I don't think so.

Chuchoter

There are a lot of girls like this. I'm a pretty petite person, so I'm the thinnest out of all my friends. This means I'm the one who gets bitched at when people are having a fat day You need to confront her, she'll keep going if she is allowed.

LittleBook

strangecurrencies wrote: »

OP here. People have faults and this just happens to be one of my friend's. We all have faults. I'm not going to dump her as a friend because of this.

Of course people have faults, but if one of them is belittling a valued friend I would not consider that person a friend.

You describe your "friend" as a mean-spirited person who is jealous of slim people, happy to see one of them put on weight and makes sly remarks about your own figure. You hate the crap she comes out with and you're worried about spending a week with her in case this issue rears it's ugly head.

If you want to stay friends with her that's completely up to you but frankly you can't complain about the way she behaves if you put up with it.

In fact she may not even be aware of how much she's annoying you!

strangecurrencies wrote: »

In general I have noticed bitchiness amongst women.

Aside from the generalisation, it's one thing when randomers and acquaintances make stupid, ill-informed, bitchy comments (although I wouldn't put up with that either) but if it's someone you're close to and consider a friend, that's a completely different story.

Again, my friends would never be so thoughtless. I sound like I'm showing off (my friends are better than your friends, nah, nah, nee, nah, nah ) but truthfully I just wish people could see that it doesn't have to be that way.

strangecurrencies wrote: »

It's not the first time I've seen this behaviour.

Well be prepared to see a lot more of that behaviour if you don't do anything about it.

Good luck.

Lux23

People are just jealous of attractive people. As you get older you tend to worry less about these things though.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

mood

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Do you think that gives you or other people the right to pass hurtful, nasty remarks?

I would love to change some of my features for example but do I say bitchy thinks to people with fuller lips or curly hair or whatever...No because I'm not a nasty cow.

Ickle Magoo

This is not a discussion forum, can we steer well away from crass generalisations keep & replies on topic and helpful to the OP only please.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Ickle Magoo

sashafierce infracted for ignoring mod warning.

If anyone wishes to discuss the ins and outs of size-ism within groups of friends or genders - take it the relevant forum or PM.

This forum is for offering advice only.

spinandscribble

OP the time to deal with comments are when they're said.

Next time your "friend" makes a comment about your invisible love handles ect just ask her is she blind and laugh? She's probably saying these things to take a chip off you and showing it doesn't bother you will set her straight or she'll heighten her game.

if she went "oh i'm so happy that girl gained weight ect" what did you say? Call her on it and ask why?

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

OP the time to deal with comments are when they're said.

Next time your "friend" makes a comment about your invisible love handles ect just ask her is she blind and laugh? She's probably saying these things to take a chip off you and showing it doesn't bother you will set her straight or she'll heighten her game.

if she went "oh i'm so happy that girl gained weight ect" what did you say? Call her on it and ask why?

OP here.
TBH I was a bit shocked when she mentioned the love handles and didn't say anything. I was going to tell her that I didnt have any but it may have come across as big headed.

The other comment about her friend was in an email and I didn't reply for awhile. I let it go. I really hate confrontation, but it seems I may have to say something if it comes up again. But I don't want to come off as self-righteous or big-headed.

skinny people dont wake up everyday and be upset by their bodies, larger girls do!

This is a massive generalisation. People with eating disorders such as anorexia wake up everyday and are upset by their bodies and they are not large.

In general I have noticed bitchiness amongst women.

Aside from the generalisation,

I wasnt making a generalisation. I said I noticed bitchiness amongst women, I also notice it among men. I also notice kindness, etc but that is going off the point.

Lorri_L

Hi OP,
I don't think its a fat people/skinny people thing. I think its a nice people / not so nice people thing.
I personally have a friend like this but shes skinny. Shes a size 10 with lovely figure and was giving out after xmas that she put on so much weight. You couldn't see it at all. At the end of January I discovered I had lost enough weight to go from a size 16 to 14 and when I said it to her her response was "Thats great, well done. You can't really see it though, you might want to go to the gym more".

Some people just have a hard time being happy for other people in all aspects. I would say it to her if she says things that bother you.

LegacyUser

Lorri_L wrote: »

Hi OP,
I don't think its a fat people/skinny people thing. I think its a nice people / not so nice people thing.
I personally have a friend like this but shes skinny. Shes a size 10 with lovely figure and was giving out after xmas that she put on so much weight. You couldn't see it at all. At the end of January I discovered I had lost enough weight to go from a size 16 to 14 and when I said it to her her response was "Thats great, well done. You can't really see it though, you might want to go to the gym more".

Some people just have a hard time being happy for other people in all aspects. I would say it to her if she says things that bother you.

OMG what a horrible thing to say to you. That's so mean.

Yes you could be right about the nice/not so nice people.

milli milli

Lorri_L wrote: »

I think its a nice people / not so nice people thing.

One valuable piece of information I learned is that a happy, contented person does not put other people down. People who put other people down are unhappy, depressed, jealous, whatever. It is a way to make themselves feel better. I wouldnt take the comments personally. Your friend is obviously not fully happy in herself for whatever reason.

mood

milli milli wrote: »

One valuable piece of information I learned is that a happy, contented person does not put other people down. People who put other people down are unhappy, depressed, jealous, whatever. It is a way to make themselves feel better. I wouldnt take the comments personally. Your friend is obviously not fully happy in herself for whatever reason.

But the OP shouldn't let someone speak to her like that. Why should she be put down by them! It's not right.

Morag

strangecurrencies wrote: »

My issue with this is that my friend is coming to stay with me for a week very soon and this has annoyed me. Is there anything I can say, if this issue comes up?

Well you can either suck it up for the week and ignore it and get on with spending the week with her

or else you can bring it up before hand and see if she still wants to spend the week with you.

Or you can go a head and just call her on it when it happens and stand up for yourself and tell her you find her personal comments unacceptable.

Lux23

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I know many size 8 women who hate their bodies. Just because you hate your body doesn't mean you should make someone feel bad about having a better body than you. Thats not how it works, you need to deal with your own issue and stop worrying about other people.

I am nowhere near a a size 8 but that doesn't mean women who have great figures make me feel bad, Im the only person who can me feel bad about my body. And I can always change my body.

Ickle Magoo

Lux23 infracted for ignoring mod warning.

sashafierce has already been infracted for off-topic discussion with yourself - for the last time, if you want to carry on the discussion take it to PM.

LegacyUser

strangecurrencies wrote: »

.....Small things such as, "wearing that top accentuates love handles." The top was mine and I don't have love handles.

OP if you want to deal stand up for yourself but don't want to have a confrontation, the next time she says something like the above just say "I think this top looks great." In that way you indirectly call her on her rude comments but don't cause bad feeling during her visit.

Distorted

milli milli wrote: »

One valuable piece of information I learned is that a happy, contented person does not put other people down. People who put other people down are unhappy, depressed, jealous, whatever. It is a way to make themselves feel better. I wouldnt take the comments personally. Your friend is obviously not fully happy in herself for whatever reason.

This is very true. I'm slim because I do competitive sport, and the only negative comments I've ever had about my size has come from overweight women. I suspect the so-called "friends" are just very unhappy people who spend too much time thinking about other people and comparing themselves negatively, so try to make up for it by making them feel bad too. She should dump the "friends".

Azureus

I think most people experience this kind of thing from other people/so called 'friends' at some stage in their life and you just have to make the choice to either let it go or cll them on it/distance yourself, depending on how much if affects you.

I personally had a friend who would go shopping with me and pick out the WORST possible clothes for my figure. Im a size 8, she would be a 14 and very unhappy with her weight and admits that. I'd get loads of comments saying that I looked gaunt and unhealthy, despite being a perfect middling weight for my height. She was just projecting her own insecurities onto me. Id get comments like 'you look boyish' and 'men prefer curves' etc etc, (I have a booy to rival Beyonce so thes ewere unwarranted!). Even my bf had to call her on it a few times cuz he found what she was saying was offensive and insulting, but she genuinely didnt see a problem with it. I spoke to her about it and told her that it was hurting me. Her reply was 'Why? Youve a great body'. Thats not what her comments made out tho!

As others have said, if youre happy with yourself you wont do this. But that doesnt mean that people who are unhappy with themselves should take it out on others either, it means they need to work on their self image and cop on! The best way to get them to do this is to talk it out with them, explain how it makes you feel by relating to them ('what you say makes me feel like crap') and hopefully they will stop. If they dont, time to ditch em, they arent your friend.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You have to thread carefully. Whilst your friend might just be jealous and dealing with it in an offensive way she might not realise she's doing it.

Like when you said they make comments about love handles and another poster was saying ''you've lost a serious amount of weight'' they may not realise the root of their issue is you look better than them.

I think humans are instinctively more likely to notice/be concerned about weight loss because this would have been a major problem for early humans when food was scarce.

In reality weight gain should be a major source of concern for us but our instincts haven't caught up with our surroundings.

So maybe you should just responsd with a neutral "I like the way I look" - I have a feeling that will shut them up.

Chinafoot

strangecurrencies wrote: »

This is a massive generalisation.

As is your thread title tbh. From what I can gather you're talking about one person and have mentioned 2 comments she made, one directed at you and one at another girl.

I had a slim friend who constantly put me down about my weight. It was awful. I got rid of her and saw her a couple of years later and she had gained a lot of weight. Was I happy? You bet your ass I was. She was a complete cow to me over my size and now she would know exactly what it felt like. Does that make me a nasty person? I don't think so, others may disagree. Perhaps this other girl was similarly mean to your friend. Then again, perhaps your friend is just an unhappy and bitter person.

OP, in my experience people pick on things in other people that they themselves are insecure about. Clearly your friend has issues with her weight and as others have said, you need to call her out on it and tell her that you find her comments hurtful.

Coming here to give out about "large girls dissing slim friends" isn't going to solve things. Speak to her.

ash23

I'm larger than all of my friends and I'd tell them if a top showed their "love handles" if we were shopping. Unless you literally haven't an ounce of fat on you, then it's possible the top with the trousers you were wearing, gave you "muffin top" and maybe your friend was just being honest?
I have friends who are slim size 8 or 10s but unless they are really toned, they all can have a bit of a bulge if they wear something too tight.

I dropped from quite a bit larger and I know my friends were all very concerned as it wasn't a great time in my life and I was losing weight drastically. Even though I was nowhere near thin, they all asked me was I ok and said I looked gaunt and tired and that they were concerned about my weight loss.

I didn't take offence. Reason; I know my friends genuinely love me and care about me and have no desire to hurt me.
if you know this friend is the same then it's possible you're readng too much into her comments and assuming it's borne out of jealousy.
If you know that she's not like then why are you friends with her?

As for the title "large girls dissing slim friends"... generalise much!
I don't diss my friends.

And your comment

I have to watch what I eat and exercise. If someone is jealous, why not jump on a treadmill and love the body you're in instead of being jealous of someone else?

would be as hurtful to a bigger girl.

People can speak without thinking and cause offence. People can be jealous and make nasty comments. Friends may do the former but not the latter. And it's not necessarily always the "fat" girls making catty comments about "thin" girls.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Chinafoot wrote: »

As is your thread title tbh. From what I can gather you're talking about one person and have mentioned 2 comments she made, one directed at you and one at another girl.

The thread is about this bitchy friend, not all non-slim women and the OP hasn't suggested that.

I had a slim friend who constantly put me down about my weight. It was awful. I got rid of her and saw her a couple of years later and she had gained a lot of weight. Was I happy? You bet your ass I was. She was a complete cow to me over my size and now she would know exactly what it felt like. Does that make me a nasty person? I don't think so, others may disagree. Perhaps this other girl was similarly mean to your friend. Then again, perhaps your friend is just an unhappy and bitter person.

I don't think you're nasty and I can understand the happiness that she got a taste of her own medicine. Though this isn't the same situation as the OP referenced, in that case the overweight bitchy girl was jealous of the slim girl because slim girl got male attention, she wasn't mocking the overweight girl like your example. In that case only a bitch would be smug about the slim girl gaining weight.

Chinafoot

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

The thread is about this bitchy friend, not all non-slim women and the OP hasn't suggested that.

Well actually yes she has, in her thread title. "Large girls dissing slim friends". Why isn't it "Large friend making hurtful comments about my figure"? Her thread title is a complete generalisation.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I don't think you're nasty and I can understand the happiness that she got a taste of her own medicine. Though this isn't the same situation as the OP referenced, in that case the overweight bitchy girl was jealous of the slim girl because slim girl got male attention, she wasn't mocking the overweight girl like your example. In that case only a bitch would be smug about the slim girl gaining weight.

Did you read my post? I didn't say it was the same thing. I said it could be the same (very little information on this friendship has been given my the OP and what has been given seems to be just her opinion) or the girl could just be an unhappy and bitter person. It's called giving a different perspective and a possibility of what could have been going on to make the larger girl say what she said. If you're going to try and jump on my post you should probably read it properly.

The OP has given us one example of this friend's comments towards her, and as ash23 has pointed out it is possible that the top did make the OP look like she had "love handles". Being slim doesn't mean you can't be wearing the wrong type of clothes.

It is possible that the OP is reading too much into this having been "miffed" at her comment about the other girl's weight gain. A conversation between friends needs to be had.

Logical Fallacy

strangecurrencies wrote: »

I hate this crap TBH. Why can't friends be happy for each other?

Friends are happy for each other, people who talk **** about each other aren't friends.

Sometimes they just pretend to be.

whatdoicare

Wowee...this thread is all over the place!

If you feel offended - tell your friend that she hurt yr feelings or else get rid of her.

Not all fat people say bitchy things to skinny people and not all skinny people do the same to fat people. The generalising here is just off the scale!

I'm a big girl- I am naturally so, I once starved myself thin and looked awful! - I eat well and exercise regularly- I am in training for a marathon. I am proud of my athletic fitness. People make very rude comments to me to my face on a daily basis and then I out run them and then out swim them in the gym and that shuts them up.
My friend is a size 8 - a gamine beauty of a woman- she also gets rude comments made to her on a daily basis, she is also an athlete and I train regularily with her.She also eats well and I have seen her to eat a few lovely take aways - I know this as I also was eating a take away!:D
We have also been the subject of nasty comments together - by both men and women!

We don't care, we are great friends who respect each other (she often wishes she had my boobs and I often tell her I'd be more than happy to let her have them as I feckin hate them!:D)

This is life - people can be ignorant judgemental so and sos - the key is to laugh at them and their ignorance!

Dudess

How is this a personal issue? Seems like a smokescreen for having a go at fat people. Yes there are overweight women who put down slim people due to jealousy - no doubt about it, and it's very bitchy (and, it seems, more common than the other way around, to be fair). But ironically, some folks who protest at its bitchiness gleefully indulge in using it as a stick to beat fat people - and thus they're guilty of what they object to.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

How is this a personal issue? Seems like a smokescreen for having a go at fat people. Yes there are overweight women who put down slim people due to jealousy - no doubt about it, and it's very bitchy (and, it seems, more common than the other way around, to be fair). But ironically, some folks who protest at its bitchiness gleefully indulge in using it as a stick to beat fat people - and thus they're guilty of what they object to.

OP here. OMG this is gone way off the point. It is a personal issue for me and I am not having a "go at fat people." I apologise if the way I worded the thread title was generalising. It wasnt meant to be. It was a trend I noticed that's all. Obviously not all larger people diss smaller people and vice versa. I hate how posts like this seem to decend into a Slim Vs Overweight thing.

I probably should have pointed out that I suffered with a eating disorder and therefore ANY comments about my weight are always going to strike a chord with me.

I would also like to point out to the poster who said I probably have love handles :rolleyes. I assure you I don't. I work hard at maintaining my size and a lot of the time love handles are caused by wearing jeans too small for you which I don't do.

And your comment
Quote:
I have to watch what I eat and exercise. If someone is jealous, why not jump on a treadmill and love the body you're in instead of being jealous of someone else?
would be as hurtful to a bigger girl.

I really don't see how this could be hurtful to anyone, big or small. If you are unhappy about something, then change it. Which is what I am going to do about this situation. If my friend brings up anything about my size again I will address it.

Thank you for your posts

LegacyUser

OP just get on with your life and realise there are bitchy people out there. Don't let them bother you.

ash23

strangecurrencies wrote: »

I would also like to point out to the poster who said I probably have love handles :rolleyes. I assure you I don't. I work hard at maintaining my size and a lot of the time love handles are caused by wearing jeans too small for you which I don't do.




I really don't see how this could be hurtful to anyone, big or small. If you are unhappy about something, then change it. Which is what I am going to do about this situation. If my friend brings up anything about my size again I will address it.

Thank you for your posts

Well your eye rolling about me daring to suggest that a top was unflattering on you and your friend was being honest, pretty much emphasises your defensivness about your weight and makes me think you are reading too much into her remarks.

Also, as someone who says she suffered an eating disorder, surely to god you of all people are aware that weight issues aren't as simple as "change it".
When you had an eating disorder why didn't you "change it". You don't seem to understand that being overweight and being underweight are two sides of the same coin and that saying to an overweight person "get on a treadmill" is as ridiculous as saying to an anorexic "eat some chocolate".

milli milli

ash23 wrote: »

saying to an overweight person "get on a treadmill" is as ridiculous as saying to an anorexic "eat some chocolate".

You can hardly compare anorexia to being overweight. Anorexia is a serious medical disorder requiring psychological treatment. If a person is unhappy being overweight (unless you are chronically obese or have a glandular problem, etc) the solution is to to cut down on your food and take up some exercise. We see thousands of people in weightwatchers, unslim doig this.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm going to suggest approaches to dealing with your friend because thats what you've asked for. I can't do it without mentioning what has and hasn't worked for me, but I want to point out that these are just my experiences and I'm not dissing anyone of any weight. All women are beautiful and I have friends of all sizes.

I had a friend who used to put me down about being 'slim'. At the time I was underweight, trying to put weight on and getting nowhere, and she made comments about my weight every day. Eventually I lost my temper after several months of these comments and I know I hurt her feelings (I didn't descend into insults, but I certainly didn't handle it in a mature and adult fashion. I was a teenager at the time though). I wish I'd handled it better - and sooner. We were able to be friends afterwards but I still wish I hadn't lost my temper.

Later in life I had another friend who used to make critical comments about EVERYTHING. I found the best way to handle it was to respond with factual, non-emotional statements like 'That's quite a rude thing to say' or 'I wouldn't speak like that about your car/job/outfit'. It tended to work because she couldn't possibly respond to it in any way except with 'sorry' - because her comment WAS rude and I WOULDN'T say the same about her. I often wish I'd been able to say to the first girl 'You mention my weight a lot and upsets me, please stop doing it.'

So I would say the next time she says something like 'That top makes you look fat', just smile and say 'there are less rude ways to say that, you know.' Then if she says 'I was only doing you a favour, you look crap!' you can say 'Fair enough, all I'm saying is there are less hurtful ways to say it.' DO NOT get drawn into 'Well, you just feel inadequate because you've done this before!!!' It will end badly. Stay in the moment and stay factual.

PS - You mentioned that you'd had an eating disorder before. If this friend knows about it, and still made that comment, please ignore everything I said above and get her out of your life. It's a pretty insensitive thing to say to someone who has had serious body image/eating issues before.

Gosh, that turned out long. Sorry! Hope some of it helped.

LegacyUser

skinav wrote: »

OP, I'm going to suggest approaches to dealing with your friend because thats what you've asked for. I can't do it without mentioning what has and hasn't worked for me, but I want to point out that these are just my experiences and I'm not dissing anyone of any weight. All women are beautiful and I have friends of all sizes.

I had a friend who used to put me down about being 'slim'. At the time I was underweight, trying to put weight on and getting nowhere, and she made comments about my weight every day. Eventually I lost my temper after several months of these comments and I know I hurt her feelings (I didn't descend into insults, but I certainly didn't handle it in a mature and adult fashion. I was a teenager at the time though). I wish I'd handled it better - and sooner. We were able to be friends afterwards but I still wish I hadn't lost my temper.

Later in life I had another friend who used to make critical comments about EVERYTHING. I found the best way to handle it was to respond with factual, non-emotional statements like 'That's quite a rude thing to say' or 'I wouldn't speak like that about your car/job/outfit'. It tended to work because she couldn't possibly respond to it in any way except with 'sorry' - because her comment WAS rude and I WOULDN'T say the same about her. I often wish I'd been able to say to the first girl 'You mention my weight a lot and upsets me, please stop doing it.'

So I would say the next time she says something like 'That top makes you look fat', just smile and say 'there are less rude ways to say that, you know.' Then if she says 'I was only doing you a favour, you look crap!' you can say 'Fair enough, all I'm saying is there are less hurtful ways to say it.' DO NOT get drawn into 'Well, you just feel inadequate because you've done this before!!!' It will end badly. Stay in the moment and stay factual.

PS - You mentioned that you'd had an eating disorder before. If this friend knows about it, and still made that comment, please ignore everything I said above and get her out of your life. It's a pretty insensitive thing to say to someone who has had serious body image/eating issues before.

Gosh, that turned out long. Sorry! Hope some of it helped.

This is helpful advice. Thanks. And thanks to everybody who has offered advice and I didn't point it out individually.
'You mention my weight a lot and upsets me, please stop doing it.' This is good. As you said it's matter of fact and honest.

Well your eye rolling about me daring to suggest that a top was unflattering on you and your friend was being honest, pretty much emphasises your defensivness about your weight and makes me think you are reading too much into her remarks.

Well you didn't just say 'unflattering', you said 'muffin top'. And the reason for the rolleyes was that I had already stated that I didn't have love handles and you were calling my honesty into question.
Also you state that you are larger than your friends and you point out if they have love handles in a top, even the size 8 and 10s which is kind of reinforcing the 'large girls dissing slim friends generalisation'.

as someone who says she suffered an eating disorder, surely to god you of all people are aware that weight issues aren't as simple as "change it".
When you had an eating disorder why didn't you "change it".

Change isn't simple. It involves transformation, shaking up old ways of thinking. I don't understand why you think it's a simple thing. I did change my disorder.

Chinafoot

strangecurrencies wrote: »

Also you state that you are larger than your friends and you point out if they have love handles in a top, even the size 8 and 10s which is kind of reinforcing the 'large girls dissing slim friends generalisation'.

So someone who is larger than her size 8 or 10 friends can't point out if the clothes they are wearing unflattering or make them look bigger than they are? Wow. That speaks volumes about your attitude towards this OP.

I'm a "larger" girl and I fully expect honesty from my friends about my clothes and they expect the same from me. If my friend is wearing something two sizes too small for her I'll let her know and she'll do the same for me. They also don't take it as a personal insult on their figure and neither do I.

You haven't given us any more examples of these comments by this friend and tbh I don't think there have been any more. By all means continue to ignore any advice from those who aren't simply agreeing that your friend is clearly just a jealous cow. :rolleyes:

mood

I think people need to be tactful when passing any sort of personal comment especially if their opinion is not asked for. A real friend will really try not to hurt your feelings.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'm a "larger" girl and I fully expect honesty from my friends about my clothes and they expect the same from me. If my friend is wearing something two sizes too small for her I'll let her know and she'll do the same for me. They also don't take it as a personal insult on their figure and neither do I.

You haven't given us any more examples of these comments by this friend and tbh I don't think there have been any more. By all means continue to ignore any advice from those who aren't simply agreeing that your friend is clearly just a jealous cow. :rolleyes:

This thread has descended into Slim Vs Overweight. I've noticed all the same people thanking each others posts.

I don't keep a note of everything my friend says. I noticed these two incidents. Now that I think about it, my friend did say "skinny bitches" one night when we were out but there was drink had.

I am not pulling the jealousy thing from the sky. I already stated in my opening post that my friend was jealous of the slim girl because she got chatted up more. She admitted it herself. I have already thanked people for their constructive advice. I don't find advice useful when my honesty is questioned or when people are just ganging up on me

Chinafoot

strangecurrencies wrote: »

This thread has descended into Slim Vs Overweight. I've noticed all the same people thanking each others posts.

Such is the nature of boards. People thank those they agree with. The only one who made this Slim Vs Overweight was you with your thread title and opening post. You make generalisations like that and people will respond. If you don't like people disagreeing with you perhaps you shouldn't have posted on a public forum.

strangecurrencies wrote: »

I don't keep a note of everything my friend says. I noticed these two incidents. Now that I think about it, my friend did say "skinny bitches" one night when we were out but there was drink had.

Hang on a second, you have started a thread about this friend and your concerns over her coming to stay with you for a week over one comment that she directed at you? One! You said in your opening post:

I have noticed sly remarks from my friend about my weight but I brushed them off

So which is it OP? You have noticed sly remarks on your weight or she made one remark about your weight. The distinction is rather important as if it has only been one comment directed at you then there is a good chance that you are reading way too much into it, which could be put down to your previous weight issues.

strangecurrencies wrote: »

I am not pulling the jealousy thing from the sky. I already stated in my opening post that my friend was jealous of the slim girl because she got chatted up more. She admitted it herself.

Her being jealous of one slim person doesn't automatically mean she's jealous of every slim person. Why would you assume, on the basis of one comment she made to you, that she is jealous of you? She had the maturity to admit to her feelings and you said yourself she has since lost weight. She might not be as slim as you but she could be happy with her figure and could have been genuinely trying to helpful regarding your top.

strangecurrencies wrote: »

I have already thanked people for their constructive advice. I don't find advice useful when my honesty is questioned or when people are just ganging up on me

Dramatic much? Nobody is questioning your honesty, rather we are trying to show a different perspective and to perhaps get you to question whether or not you are reading too much into her one comment. Just because you don't like what you're hearing doesn't mean its not constructive.

As for being ganged up on? Not everyone in life is going to agree with you. You should probably get used to it.

Chinafoot

mood wrote: »

I think people need to be tactful when passing any sort of personal comment especially if their opinion is not asked for. A real friend will really try not to hurt your feelings.

Agree fully. And most people accept it in the good grace it was intended. Those with their own issues will not and in some cases will build it up into something more than it is.

Meteoric

strangecurrencies wrote: »

This thread has descended into Slim Vs Overweight. I've noticed all the same people thanking each others posts.

I don't keep a note of everything my friend says. I noticed these two incidents. Now that I think about it, my friend did say "skinny bitches" one night when we were out but there was drink had.

I am not pulling the jealousy thing from the sky. I already stated in my opening post that my friend was jealous of the slim girl because she got chatted up more. She admitted it herself. I have already thanked people for their constructive advice. I don't find advice useful when my honesty is questioned or when people are just ganging up on me

Just to share my feelings on this whole topic, not what I've just quoted, this isn't I think about thin vs heavy or anything else, I just think your friend was not thinking about what she was saying or how you might feel about what she said.
I have a friend who is a size 8 at most, I've seen size 8 being too big on her, I'm a 14 on a good day, 16 most of the time to be honest. We both gave up smoking at the same time and I made a remark that on giving up smoking the most people tend to put on is 8 pounds or so. Her response to that was "if I put on 8 pounds I'd want to kill myself".
That hurt me as to me it implied that life was definitely not worth living at my size, several stone heavier than her. If I'd let it slide I'd have read meaning into loads of other off-hand comments she had made. So we talked about it.
She told me she thought I was beautiful and looked really well and she would love to be me, but for her she needed to be how she was.
I think we both learned from the conversations, it did take more than one, she learned that I took the remark as being judged, I learned that she could talk to me without a filter of how I might take it and that a lot of how she compensated for other things was in her weight. They were hard conversations to have, for both of us I think, but they strengthened our friendship.
As far as I'm concerned it's not about weight, just sometimes people say things without thinking and if you do not talk about it resentments grow and can ruin a good friendship.

ash23

strangecurrencies wrote: »

Well you didn't just say 'unflattering', you said 'muffin top'. And the reason for the rolleyes was that I had already stated that I didn't have love handles and you were calling my honesty into question.

Thats a bit of an overreaction imo. I didn't say you had a muffin top. I said

Unless you literally haven't an ounce of fat on you, then it's possible the top with the trousers you were wearing, gave you "muffin top" and maybe your friend was just being honest?

. Note the question mark! And sure, how would I know? I've no idea what you look like. I wsn't calling your honesty into question, I was asking you if it was possible that you could look at it from the perspective that this girl is your friend and is therefore just being honest. She must have good qualities if she is your friend. You've been quite selective in what you've pulled out of my post in fairness.

Also you state that you are larger than your friends and you point out if they have love handles in a top, even the size 8 and 10s which is kind of reinforcing the 'large girls dissing slim friends generalisation'.

This made me laugh. So I can't talk to my friends about weight/appearance because I'm bigger than them or else I'm "dissing them"? What nonsense.
They are my friends. We talk about everything. They have my best interests at heart and if I look like a sack of spuds in a top, they'll tell me. And I'd want them to!

Only yesterday myself and 4 of my friends went to a fitness class. We all emerged red faced and sweaty and stood around chatting. We were talking problem areas and one mentioned her tummy. She's about a size 10 but has had 4 kids. Did I say "oh no, you're perfectly perfect in every way". No. We talked about sit ups and weights and the fact that sometimes all the sit ups in the world won't make any odds to a mummy tummy. I wasn't dissing her. We were having a normal conversation.
I mentioned my upper arms and one of the other girls told me about different exercises I can do to tone. She's skinnier than me. Was she dissing me because she agreed I have wobbly upper arms?

I ask my friends for their opinion and they give it. Sometimes they give it even when they aren't asked and sometimes it can be hard to listen to if it's not what I want to hear but I don't assume it's done maliciously.

You know why? Because they are my friends.
The clue is in the name.

Which goes back to my first post.If you actually think this girl is "dissing" you why are you friends with her? I wouldn't be friends with someone that I thought so little of that I felt every remark was a dig at me. I cut myself off from people like that.

Maple

OP, I've locked the thread as per your request however I will not be approving your final post as I feel it adds nothing to the thread.

Maple.