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Can't get the want for him out of my head
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21-02-2011 8:38pm#1
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Make a list of all the things that you don't like about him and any time you think of him sexually, imagine him 'breaking wind' as you are performing fellatio
Should repulse ya pretty quickly!
Cheers, that really did make me laugh at least! I've tried something similar to what your suggesting, but it's more I try to keep reminding myself of the things I don't like about him as somewhat of a precaution to make sure I really don't start develop any feelings for him. I do like him as a person, he's a decent bloke and if the situation was different it wouldn't be a problem, I know I probably would've went after him just like any other guy I fancy. But this, just, no! I was stupid to let it happen in the first place and I'd usually be smarter than that...too horny for my own good sometimes!
I will give your idea a shot though, if nothing atleast the comedic factor of it might help to distract me out of it a bit!0 -
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needwillpower! wrote: »Precisely correct. I'm really quite glad to hear someone who's had the same sort of situation. This is new for me and I've never done something like this before, so it's confusing my head a little as to why I have such urges towards him that don't seem to want to go away despite not feeling feelings for him in that way. I mean, I've had the odd one night stand and that before which were obviously just sex aswell, but I've never been left this horny for someone who I wasn't seeing in any sort of romantic way, if you get what I mean.
You know what, you are right also, it is a crush, I've always knew I was a bit attracted to him but I never even thought of going there. Then when the subtle flirting started off and it became obvious that we were both singing from the same sheet with it, I really was like some blushing schoolkid when a crush shows an interest in you... I really thought until now that when you are in your 20's that crushes would be a thing of the past! I've been thinking about it over the past couple of days and I'm actually beginning to think it's also a bit of a "hero worship" thing, that's manifested in a way it shouldn't have. When I say he's not my boss but he's higher up than me, I mean alot higher up than me.
As for rumours, once again that doesn't bother me as much as I know it should, and that's alot to blame on the culture of the company. Rumours are so unbelievably prevelant throughout the entire company that they quite honestly literally get taken no notice of anymore, and they are usually "so and so are at it ya know, I seen them, I overheard this" etc etc. I've been there quite a number of years now and I'm actually lucky in that I've only had one rumour about me so far, didn't bother me in the least it wasn't true but it was much to the same affect. I can actually only think of 1 or 2 people who there hasn't ever been any rumours about. Even the ones that are quite obviously true get taken no notice of, they do the circulation for a day or two then it's old news and no one cares no matter how massive it is. It's just that type of place, always has been.
It's still no excuse I know, I was still stupid, I don't know what I was thinking, or actually wasn't thinking at all is probably better.
Katgurl...did you just not allow yourself to give in to that temptation again? How did stop yourself with those urges?
You're not gonna like this OP but there is no magic solution, you just have to have willpower. Think of it like giving up fags When an opportunity arises (you're probably on emails etc?) for flirtation, resist, resist, resist!
Also, get the hero worship out of your head, seriously! Just readdress your vision of him in your head as a pathetic, old man, looking for a fling with a young girl for some validation. And remind yourself you are just another notch on his bedpost, not even good enough to be considered for a relationship.
I'm saying these things knowing they may well be untrue but its good approach to getting over him.
Plus, in your 20's and without a huge number of encounters, you are probably pleasantly surprised at the good sex, but believe me there is more out there waiting for you.
Sit down and write a list of all the negative repercussions this could cause. I'm not talkign about the rumours and work drama potential; I would probably be like you - i couldn't give a crap what people want to say about me, if their own lives are so sad they have to obsess over mine that is their problem. But think long & hard about how difficult it you will find it when you inevitably fall for him and can't have him. Be honest with yourself. And decide you're not going to put yourself through it.
And i stand by my previous advice - get out there and start flirting with other men as this screams of boredom. I guarantee once this pointless addiction has passed (it'll be quick because its pretty shallow) you will wonder what you ever saw in him.0 -
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You're not gonna like this OP but there is no magic solution, you just have to have willpower. Think of it like giving up fags When an opportunity arises (you're probably on emails etc?) for flirtation, resist, resist, resist!
Also, get the hero worship out of your head, seriously! Just readdress your vision of him in your head as a pathetic, old man, looking for a fling with a young girl for some validation. And remind yourself you are just another notch on his bedpost, not even good enough to be considered for a relationship.
I'm saying these things knowing they may well be untrue but its good approach to getting over him.
Plus, in your 20's and without a huge number of encounters, you are probably pleasantly surprised at the good sex, but believe me there is more out there waiting for you.
Sit down and write a list of all the negative repercussions this could cause. I'm not talkign about the rumours and work drama potential; I would probably be like you - i couldn't give a crap what people want to say about me, if their own lives are so sad they have to obsess over mine that is their problem. But think long & hard about how difficult it you will find it when you inevitably fall for him and can't have him. Be honest with yourself. And decide you're not going to put yourself through it.
And i stand by my previous advice - get out there and start flirting with other men as this screams of boredom. I guarantee once this pointless addiction has passed (it'll be quick because its pretty shallow) you will wonder what you ever saw in him.
Will power...the bane of my life!! Never had enough of it to give up the fags! I'll have to look at it that if I can give up one I can give up the other, because both really do need given up! And emails, yet another bane in my life, it's way too easy to get caught up in some flirtatious bant with them. I resisted sending anything even remotely flirtatious at all for quite a long time (seemed like a long time anyway) and it almost felt like an acheivement, till one came along one day and I just couldn't help myself with a little cheeky subtle innuendo reply... I honestly gave myself a slap in the forehead after I hit send as I knew that was it started up again, I was starting to feel like I was over all that but the little naughty monkey within went me let me down again
But really thank you, your entire post there is brilliant and it's some fantastic advice. You're a star I think that is exactly the way I needed someone to make me look at it. I do look up to him in work, he's achieved alot for himself from very little and I have great respect for him for that, but I think looking at him the way you suggest can still go a long way in working. In my head I had basically separated him into two different people - outside of work when we did hook up he was just some bloke who I occassionaly had sex with, in work he was just the guy who's higher up than me and I never had sex with him...that may sound strange to some but it worked for me, I completely separated the two, as did he, and it maintained the professionalism. So I see no reason why I can't still look up to him and respect him in work, yet otherwise look at him as basically some dirty older man looking an ego boost by carving some notches to get these urges out of my head once and for all.
I'm sure some people will be thinking how can I possibly respect this man, but I do, the way I see it generally people are just not the same people in work as they are outside of it, the two are separate...and I realise I have actually mixed the two myself, but keeping work and what happened between us as separate as is possible means I still respect him for what he is in work.
And once again you probably are right with the boredom bit. When I was seeing the other guy I hardly ever thought about this, it did as I said come back into my head every now and then when I was alone at night and a bit horny on it, but I wasn't wanting to have sex with him again, my imagination was just using those damn good experiences with him to get the juices flowing (apologies, that really is tmi, but you get my point!) So probably the easiest answer would be to find myself a fella I am looking, but finding what I'm looking for isn't going too well, but I guess if I don't really know myself what I'm looking for I'm hardly going to find it in a hurry... 0 -
hi op,
i just had to reply to your post, because i felt i could have written it myself...have been in similar situation since july to january just gone. i finally put stop things end of january. cant say its been easy,again like you i just really cannot get him out of my head. ive tried other guys has not worked so far but ill just have keep trying but it is getting a little easier , now its just at times the awful want for him , its not as constant or as strong as it was even last week. so chin up . cant belive i done exact same thing- seeing him as 2 different people like you explained- but i think this helps because we have to do lots things at work together and its wierd how i can totally separate the two- which is lucky casue being awkward would not be an option. good luck and chin up chick. better to have loved and lost and all that sopppy stuff eh 0 -
Oh my god it was like reading about my own life, but unfortunately I have been in this situation for 6 years.
It was originally something that only happened every now and then usually when drink was involved but now its something that happens regularly.
We are still v close friends, he is clearly not single (hold off on any lectures please), and its become so normal we even joke about it.
I'd love to say that I'm gonna stop it or things will change or I'll quit my job but none of those things are realistically possible, so I hope some day it will fizzle out...
So OP I know exactly how you feel and it ain't easy 0 -
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OP, don't be too hard on yourself either...
I have over the last 6 years sworn that it would end and the only time I was ever successful was when I left the country for a year. Do the best you can to stop the situation but try to take it one day at a time to try not to make it so overwhelming.
I have stopped telling people who knew about my situation because I was mortified it kept happening after I had adamantly sworn that was the end of it.
If someone had told me 6 yrs ago I would still be doing this I would have laughed, but trust me the time goes by really fast, the lies build up and the guilt does slowly begin to eat you.
I haven't had a successful relationship since I started sleeping with my friend, and as much as I try to convince myself that me sleeping with him has nothing to do with it, I know deep down it is the number one reason.
I do also somewhat believe that after all this time I can emotionally detach myself from him and whats happening but then I think about the day that he proposes to his girlfriend and how I'm going to feel that day......
OP, you're me 6 years ago and my advice would be to do your very best to stop it, there is an awful lot of emotional crap that comes with great sex with someone you shouldn't be having sex with.
I'm at the moment looking for international jobs and again he is one of the reasons why I'm doing this, I've gone so far now that this is my only way to stop it.
Best of luck love!!0 -
Marlboro82 wrote: »OP, don't be too hard on yourself either...
I have over the last 6 years sworn that it would end and the only time I was ever successful was when I left the country for a year. Do the best you can to stop the situation but try to take it one day at a time to try not to make it so overwhelming.
One day at a time is right...just two days ago I wrote that I was feeling strong about it, the urges and want for him had sudsided and I had not a single temptation to contact him and flirt at all, well it's back today with a vengeance I don't know why. I just can't them thoughts out of my head today at all, I keep doing things to try and distract me from it and get me thinking on other things but it's just not happening. I think I might have to admit to myself that despite being adamant I'm not, maybe I do already have some feelings for him. I really don't think I'm in too deep or anything yet, but it's really not normal for me to think about someone as much as this just because I fancy them. Even with some past boyfriends I've never had such strong want for at times.I have stopped telling people who knew about my situation because I was mortified it kept happening after I had adamantly sworn that was the end of it.
If someone had told me 6 yrs ago I would still be doing this I would have laughed, but trust me the time goes by really fast, the lies build up and the guilt does slowly begin to eat you.
If you don't mind me asking, why did you allow to keep happening? Was there any point where you knew it had gone too far and you were in too deep? Was it just sexual urges that you couldn't supress or do you think there was more to it even in the beginning?
I'm sorry for asking alot of questions and feel free to not answer any if you don't wish to, it's just I've not told anyone about this, primarily because I thought it was a one off at the start, but now I just don't really want to tell anyone at all for fear of any possible reprocussions there could be. So having someone who can relate here is good and I really appreciate your input so far.OP, you're me 6 years ago and my advice would be to do your very best to stop it, there is an awful lot of emotional crap that comes with great sex with someone you shouldn't be having sex with.
It was great sex, and it was someone I shouldn't of been having it with, and I know rightly now I will develop unreciprocated feelings for him if it continues, but I'm really struggling to supress the sexual urges right now. I really just wish both my libido and imagination came with an off switch at times The both of them put together are making what should be simple incredibly hard! 0 -
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Tough question OP, why did I allow it to keep happening? I wish I could answer it but I genuinely have no idea.
I could have stopped it years ago, I should have stopped it the second it happened, but I didn't
I've left the country for work and it has stopped and I have grown to hate him (Well I convinced myself I did) and then I've come home and within a matter of weeks the situation arose again.
At the beginning it tore me up, my head was all over the place, looking back on it now it was an awful time so my heart goes out to you.
I can say without a shadow of a doubt that he has caused me more pain than any other man, and we're not even going out :rolleyes: There have been a few girlfriends over the last few years and his ability to lead a double life still to this day confuses me.
In the beginning it wasn't very frequent, and the morning after was a little awkward and I used to kick myself for letting it happen. We never talked about it, and his ability to act as normal used to drive me insane. I had millions of questions and thoughts in my head, like a typical woman and he could just switch off and act normal.
Now, unfortunately it has become more regular, and we do talk bout it, we even joke about it. In some ways its better... I know that sounds strange but before we used to have those "it will never happen again conversations" and it would cause arguments between us, and now we don't argue.. which is nice.
Both of us I think have come to the conclusion that it has gone too far and the only time it will really stop is when I leave the country for good this time.
The sex may be the initial attraction but despite what you think you will develop feelings real feelings, whether you can admit them or not. Seeing him with another girl or girlfriend will be a very painful thing..trust me!
I can't sit here and lecture you or condemn you because I'm doing the exact same thing but the one thing I'll say is.. No good will come of what you're doing, if you're willing to deal with the consequences then go for it, but if you would like a somewhat normal relationship with someone then don't settle for this. There have been times when I have felt like a whore, when he is rushing off because his girlfriend is looking for him and I'm left alone feeling like sh*t.
It's not all glamorous amazing sex there are some serious crap times too, not sure if they make the sex worth it sometimes!
Don't be feeling alone, best thing to do is to talk about it, might help you make sense of it all more 0 -
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Hi again folks, have been meaning to get back on here the past few days but been busy...which has probably helped me out a bit! Well, it's still there unfortunately I can't deny, but it hasn't been that same intense want that it was. It's strange because it'll be fine for days and he'll hardly even cross my mind, and then from nowhere that incredible want and urge for him will come over me for the whole day and I'm having to pretty much actively stop myself from initiating anything.Marlboro82 wrote: »In the beginning it wasn't very frequent, and the morning after was a little awkward and I used to kick myself for letting it happen. We never talked about it, and his ability to act as normal used to drive me insane. I had millions of questions and thoughts in my head, like a typical woman and he could just switch off and act normal.
See that's me too, I'm a thinker...overthinker probably. Whilst we have talked about it, it was only ever really when we hooked up, and ofcourse when the drinks are flowing you never get out everything you want to and my big list of carefully thought out questions for the most part went out the window. And because it of it being infrequent like it has we haven't really talked about it that much in the cold light of day. I would love to sit down properly, no drinks, no time constraints, complete peace and talk it over fully face to face with him, but I really don't want to at the same time. I'd be pretty much 100% certain that I'm wanting it more than him, so I want to atleast appear completely cool with it and that it isn't playing in my head as much as it is, I fear if I was to ask for "the talk" as such it could send things a little bit weird. Whilst I may be good myself at switching off when I need to like in work, he is 10 times better at it and it almost seems like the easiest option is to just leave things hanging as they are...Don't be feeling alone, best thing to do is to talk about it, might help you make sense of it all more
...which is why this is helping me so much. I'm a very private person, always have been and I always keep things to myself, but I knew I had to talk about this somehow because if I didn't I would've just kept them blinkers on and continued with it until I really did get in too deep. I still don't want to tell anybody I know about it, I really do just want to keep this private because I know it's stupid and quite out of character for me. I definately don't want to talk about it with him, that would definately be the wrong move, the only thing I want to talk about with him is when I tell him it can never happen again. I have no worries about that and how it will effect anything because it wont, that was already agreed that obviously it will end completely at some point and when it does then we just carry on as normal, like we are now, and like we did before. What I worry about is that if I do take that step and say "never again" and that's that, that it might just end up making me want him more you know?Ta for posting this thread op, its really helped me to know there are other girls out there who feel like this.
My advice is set yourself a time limit, 3 months, 6 months, whatever u think it'll take to kick the habit of thinking about him. then take a look back & ask yourself do you feel happier now that you've moved on. Thats how it worked for me anyway, except in my case it took a year before i stopped obsessing about him. But now when i look back i'm really glad i'm not still there. I like flowerchilds advice, especially the bit about allowing yourself to think of him, i do that now whenever he pops into my head
Good luck, hope u find something that works for you Really does bring a little smile to my face every time another "been there, done that" emerges! Feels like a little support group! I like the time limit thing, works nicely with the advice about allowing myself to think about him. The only thing is I had set myself a time limit for this in the beginning, which was ONCE...and I passed that pretty damn quickly (I think I said previously it only happened twice, it's actually 3 times...) So I can see myself doing the same with that. I know I will look back at this in the future and probably laugh at myself for it, I just wish I could skip forward and be there now!I found another thing that works is remembering how you viewed him before you were into him. That's the person he still is you've just entered a lustfilled
haze. And then finally remind yourself of all the other people you've fancied over the years and thouht you always would ... Think right back, I bet there are some howlers in there you wouldn't touch with a bargepole now. He'll soon be on this list and you'll wonder what you were thinking!
Oh there's some howlers alright Like I said above, I know I'll look back and just laugh at myself for this one day! I've always sort of thought I fancied him a bit, but I think it was more so his qualities I was attracted to rather than his physical looks. I'm not one for having types, I've a very eclectic taste when it comes to men, but I don't think even the people who know me best would ever pick him out as someone I would go for. He's not unattractive, but he's not the typical someone you would imagine a 20 something year old going for. He's outgoing, confident, charming, funny, witty & successful...those things attract me more than physical qualities any day. There are some things I do dislike about him, but I seem to have pushed those to the back of my mind, so I think I need to remind myself of them again and try to concentrate on them rather than concentrating on him in the sack.A girl sleeping with a guy more senior than her is only going to cause a 'ripple' as regards rumours? With respect i think it's quite niave to think that way..it would cause more than a ripple in work for sure.
Also as regards colleagues sussing something is going on, they are obviously not going to know what she's thinking about...but, believe me they can suss something may have happened previously/currently.
In all seriousness, and I know this will be hard for some to imagine, but even if I was to come out with it straight up and say I slept with him, a ripple it would be at most. There have been much bigger and badder rumours/confirmed goings on and it quite literally doesn't phase anybody there, it's just the culture of the place. And it goes pretty much right to the top of the ladder (which explains it all really...) That aspect of it really doesn't concern me.0
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