Should I break up with my girlfriend so she can get back with her ex?

LegacyUser

This post is long and rambling so if you're short on time just ignore me please

I've recently started going out with a girl I've known for a while. We were never so close to be friends prior to this, but knew each other fairly well from nights out and the like. I also knew her ex-boyfriend in a similar fashion, although I was actually slightly closer with him.

A few months ago she broke up with him, citing numerous relationship issues, not least the fact that she was suffering from depression and it caused many arguments. I think he tried to help and be understanding, but eventually it put too much strain on the relationship, which in turn made other more minor problems escalate to the point that the only solution was to break up. She initiated the break up, and one of the major reasons was that she just couldn't put him through her problems any more. He didn't want the break up as I think he still loved her, but she could no longer make him suffer her mental issues.

In the intervening months I know that she put a lot of effort into getting better, and I think the time alone really helped her. I spoke to her a lot over that time, and it became apparent that we really both clicked. After a few weeks of talking with her, I plucked up the courage to ask her out. She said yes.

Things have progressed steadily since that point, and she says she loves me. However, it's all happened so quickly. We started dating less than a month and a half after she'd broken up with her ex, progressed to intimacy within days of that and she now says she loves me and it's not even been four months.

The worst problem comes when I consider the times that she had with her ex. She told me before we started our relationship and were just getting to know each other as friends that the main reason for breaking up with her ex was her depression. Every other problem stemmed from that, and when I asked whether she thought she and her ex would still be together if it weren't for the depression, she said they most likely would be.

Thing is, I know they were happy together. Like I said, I saw them many, many times and knew them quite well. I was never in their immediate circle (we were friends of friends, so to speak) but I know they shared a lot. They also went out for a long time (nearly twelve years). They shared everything; they were sweethearts from their mid-teens to their late-twenties, they lived together for most of that, holidayed together; basically, did everything together. I can't compete with that, and I don't believe her strength of feeling for me will ever be as strong as that. They were quite clearly utterly in love.

She talks to me fondly about the nights out she had when she was younger, the holidays she had in America and the Med, the films and plays she went to see; all things she did with her ex. Every thing that defines her was things she did with her ex, and I can't ever compete with that.

So, I suppose, my most basic problem here is that I think she'd be much happier back with him; the best times of her life were spent with him, after all. They were happy together, they did everything together. They broke up because she couldn't make him suffer with her mental issues any longer, and those mental issues had caused flare-ups in the relationship itself. But those mental issues aren't a problem anymore. She went out with me so quickly after she'd broken up that I genuinely wonder if I wasn't just a rebound, and whilst we're very close and she says she loves me I know she'll never share with me what she shared with him.

I know he's still single. I also know that she won't tell him that she's seeing someone else, which makes me wonder if she doesn't want him to know she's "moved on". She says it's because she feels guilty because she initiated the break up and now has found someone else, and it breaks her heart to see him still wounded from the ending of their relationship and not seeing anyone new.

I think she still loves him, even if she doesn't realise it. Or, at least, that she will love him when she gives him the chance. They had everything together, and if it hadn't been for her illness (something she herself decided to break up over, not him) they'd still be happy together. I know the distance bothers her, too; I live in Limerick and she lives in Dublin, and he lives in Dublin, too. It gets to her that she sees me only once a week or fortnight in the flesh, and she could see him every day.

Given that the one problem that broke apart their perfect relationship has now been cured, and that they still love each other, would it be fairer on everyone involved if I broke up with her? I know she won't do it even if she wants to, because she couldn't bring herself to break a second boyfriend's heart - she's too nice. But I can do it, if it needs to be done. I'd rather suffer the pain now than be emotionally crippled two years down the line when she realises she should be with him.

Thanks for reading.

Monkey61

Okay so a few things are jumping out at me here...

1. You don't believe that your girlfriend knows her own mind well enough to know whether she is in love with you or not.

2. You believe that she is too weak and pathetic to be honest with you and that she would continue to go out with you even if she didn't want to, just so as not to hurt you.

3. You are projecting an awful lot onto her previous relationship, something that to be honest an outsider could never really know everything about, when admittedly you weren't even that close to them before, you just saw them on nights out.

The first two suggest to me that you don't really respect this girl at all and for that reason, yes, you should probably break up with her.

It doesn't matter why she broke up with her ex. The point is that she did.

If she was so depressed etc, that she had to break up with him to stop him suffering as well, do you really think that she would magically be fine within a few short months and actually want to get back with him because all the issues had gone away.

I highly doubt that the only reason they broke up was that. I was in a 4 year relationship, had awful mental health issues that eventually drove us apart, broke up and pretty much got them under control within a month or two. I needed a change, the relationship was killing me and even though I still loved her very much, I wasn't in love anymore. I imagine that is the same with your girlfriend. She may love the guy, they were probably best friends, but after that long together I would imagine that the relationship had probably run its course for her anyway. She was probably dying for a fresh start and I really doubt she would ever want to go back to someone that holds so many reminders of her depression.

She said that all her problems with him stemmed from that - that implies that there were a lot of problems and it doesn't mean that they have disappeared just because she is feeling better. In theory I could say that I would still be with my ex if I hadn't suffered so many issues ( in fact I probably did say that for sometime afterwards) but if I hadn't, I would be a different person, she would be a different person and we would have been in an entirely different relationship. I think anyone could imagine that they would still be with an ex if it wasn't for one thing, but that one thing is often enough of a reason to signify that the relationship just wasn't meant to be.

But that may just be speculation. OP if you want to be with someone, I think you have to trust them to know their own minds. If you can't trust her over something this big, I don't think you will ever trust her with anything. He is always going to be her ex and she is always going to have had that 12 year relationship. It is a huge part of her life experience and you have to decide whether you are able to handle that.

You are focusing on the best times of her life being with him, while it also seems that the worst times of her life were with him. No two loves are ever the same, but it doesn't make subsequent ones any lesser. I will never love anyone like I did my ex girlfriend, but I would never want to. I am now with the girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with and love her more than I ever could have thought possible. It is an entirely different kind of love and all the better for me having made mistakes in relationships before and knowing what I want now.

I'm not sure what advice I have, except please don't break up with her in an effort at martyrdom because it would be "fairer" to all involved. At least have the balls to admit that if you do it is because you can't handle her history and think that it would be fairer to you!

whatsamsn

Disagree with the above post.
Op, You keep saying and thinking of whats best for others? ... look out for whats best for you.

Lets look at some facts:
** She was with a guy for 12 years. You started dating her 6 weeks after they broke up. Now less than 4 months later she "loves" you
** she doesnt want her ex to know she is dating someone else.
** feelings have developed too quick knowing her recent situation.


You are a rebound mate. you are being used to make her whole again. Stop thinking about whats best for her, or her ex. Because you can be used to bring her whole again then you'll be pushed aside... or for her to realise she still wants him. You cant date someone for 12 years and go from loving them ... to not ... to loving someone else in less than 4 months. Shes not over him or over the relationship.

You're running a risky game. Which you'll be the one who is likely to get hurt. Its all about weighing things up.

Moomoo1

So she broke up with that guy 'for his sake'. As if he doesn't get any say in what's good for him (presumably her not being there hurt him a lot more than the arguments they were having). And then after 6 weeks she went off with his friend (you) - presumably also for his sake? And is still lying about it to him? Right.

I'd treat anything that person says with a pinch of salt tbh. I am pretty sure she broke up with him because she _wanted_ to - not for any other reason. And she went off with you because she wanted to.

I hate hypocrites like that. She says she doesn't want to make him suffer so she breaks up with him and goes off with someone else 6 weeks after a 12 year relationship. Wow.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You could just talk to her about what you're thinking.

THere's no legislation against breaking someones heart, she could just leave you for him but she hasn't.

That doesn't mean you're not a rebound but it does indicate she doesn't want to get back with him. I had some great times/holidays with my ex I'd speak fondly but not a chance I'd want to get back with her over them.

treakle

Hi OP...

Totally agree with what 'whatsamsn' said...

I'm sorry to say mate, but you are so totally a rebound.

It is not humanly possible to go from 'loving' someone for 12 years...to 'loving' someone else after such a short period of time.

When someone comes out of such a long term relationship they take time to grieve, heal and adapt to life without their partner.

An example is myself...I was seeing a girl for 6.5 years and the relationship sadly ended. It ended 1.5 years ago and I am only now beginning to contemplate a relationship again if I meet the right person. In this time I've grieved and adapted to life without my ex...done things for myself, travelled, got fit, further education etc.

Don't get me wrong I've had plenty fun/flings/dates etc. with girls but never once considered a relationship with any of them because I knew I wasn't totally over my ex...things like that take time.

Hope this helps with your dilemma..