Poor conversationalist

LegacyUser

I'm in my mid-thirties and have always been seen as "quiet" and "reserved". I have never been a great talker, I'm not anti-social, I'm just not someone who can talk non-stop like others can. The problem is I usually run out of things to say after about ten minutes.
It's a huge problem with the opposite sex 'cause with Irish women it seems if you aren't some kind of Tommy Tiernan motormouth that has them rolling about laughing non-stop then they don't want to know.
I am not a bore; I have a lot of interests; politics, current affairs, sport, movies, music.
I'm just not a person that feels the need to talk non-stop all the time (I'm a strong believer in the phrase "empty vessels make most noise").
I also have a problem with restlessness/anxiety. I get bored very easily and find it difficult to stay sitting in one position for very long (I am on medication for this).
I had to take a long train journey there recently and thought I would go insane with boredom (I don't go on foreign holidays because I am physically incpapable of sitting in a plan for two or three hours).
I hate sitting at lunch in work with my workmates; I can't think of anything to say, I'd rather read the newspaper to be honest. Once I've finished eating I just want to get up and go back to work.
I remember going into a counselling meeting there recently and there was a pub across the way with a guy and a girl sitting outside. They were chatting away when I went inside and when I came out an hour later they were still there, chatting as vociferously as before.
I thought to myself "How in the hell could anyone talk for that long about anything?".
I tend to avoid social situations; weddings, meals out etc. are a no-no. It just bores me. I'm interested in other people's lives to some degree but if I never get to find out anything about them, I'm just as happy.
Is it so wrong to not talk much?

poozers

NO! im the exact same... i can never think of anything to talk about with someone...even close-ish friends! im quiet too, im VERY shy and can never think of clever or witty things to say someone, maybe about 4 hours later id think "oh i should of said this or that". Im quite embarrassed about it sometimes...in work with customers, i never start conversations! i hate going to the hair dressers cos its so awkward!!! sometimes, i just accept it and say "so what if i dont like talking too much", but most of the time, if im in a social situation, id rack my brain, trying to think of things to talk about, and im always nervous id say the wrong thing! my boyfriend and my best friend (who ive been best friends with for 14 years) are the only two people in the world where i can talk and say anything and not be nervous about it! even sometimes when im with my family, id be stuck for things to talk about! so youre not alone...i'm the same (probably even worse than you! ) I do care about other peoples lives too, but it depends on what the person is talking about! and whats even worse, people sometimes take it as bitchyness! but its not!!! i just dont know what to say!!! |:o

Birdsong

I understand because I was in that place 10 years ago, I would suggest joining your local toastmasters club, here you will get to practice speaking to others.

If you listen to people, they all talk about topics that are "safe" ones they know a lot about, even if it is their family all the time :rolleyes:

Everything we do is about practice, and speaking to others is no different, if you google toastmasters and where your located details for your nearest club will come up.

LegacyUser

Birdsong wrote: »

I understand because I was in that place 10 years ago, I would suggest joining your local toastmasters club, here you will get to practice speaking to others.

If you listen to people, they all talk about topics that are "safe" ones they know a lot about, even if it is their family all the time :rolleyes:

Everything we do is about practice, and speaking to others is no different, if you google toastmasters and where your located details for your nearest club will come up.

I went to one toastmasters meeting there last year but didn't go again, it seemed a bit "Father-Teddish" to me. Your point about "safe" subjects is valid though; I do it myself if I can't find anything else to talk about;I revert to something I feel comfortable talking about if I am really stuck (GAA; I could talk about that for hours).
I don't have a girlfriend so I avoid people around my age who are married (pretty much everyone at work). I haven't travelled much and I go out rarely so I don't talk to people who ramble on about how drunk they were last Saturday night or how many countries they have visited.

ongarboy

muteguy wrote: »

I went to one toastmasters meeting there last year but didn't go again, it seemed a bit "Father-Teddish" to me. Your point about "safe" subjects is valid though; I do it myself if I can't find anything else to talk about;I revert to something I feel comfortable talking about if I am really stuck (GAA; I could talk about that for hours).
I don't have a girlfriend so I avoid people around my age who are married (pretty much everyone at work). I haven't travelled much and I go out rarely so I don't talk to people who ramble on about how drunk they were last Saturday night or how many countries they have visited.

There you go! You just said it! You could talk for hours about GAA cos that's what you feel comfortable talking about. Most people are like you in that they can talk forever on something that is of interest to them and that they feel comfortable about but would shy away from topics that are not familiar or of interest. You said earlier you couldn't fathom how a guy and girl were still talking an hour later outside a pub. Maybe they were talking about something they both feel comfortable and relaxed about? Couldn't you have been in the same position if you were having a riveting chat about some controversial hurling or football game at the weekend? GAA is a mainstream topic for many Irish guys at least so I would think that is an easy conversation starter - discussing the weekend games/results etc? If you feel like exploring your insecurities further, maybe some further counselling might help you become more comfortable and confident in yourself.

Ickle Magoo

muteguy wrote: »

It's a huge problem with the opposite sex 'cause with Irish women it seems if you aren't some kind of Tommy Tiernan motormouth that has them rolling about laughing non-stop then they don't want to know.

muteguy wrote: »

I tend to avoid social situations; weddings, meals out etc. are a no-no. It just bores me. I'm interested in other people's lives to some degree but if I never get to find out anything about them, I'm just as happy.

^^ These two jumped out at me.

You seem to think women want some kind of motor-mouth and that it's your lack of conversational skills that are the issue...but I would think someone who avoids social occasions and finds meals out boring and can doesn't care about finding out about other people is going to have huge issues finding and maintaining a relationship regardless of how talkative they are.

By the time you say you avoid people who are married or who have travelled or who have been out on saturday night rather than hear them speak of their lives - it's starting to sound a bit more like bitterness rather than an issue with speaking. I think you have to be a bit more open and friendly with people in general and show an interest in them and their lives if you expect anyone to do the same for you.

All the best. :cool:

LegacyUser

I suppose there is an element of bitterness there if I'm truthful. I just wish I was able to maintain a spontaneous conversation with anyone and am jealous of those who can.
Just today I didn't go down to lunch with my workmates 'cause I am worried about a work problem I am stuck on.
I find myself frantically trying to think of something to say, especially if it is a one-on-one conversation. Sometimes I try to think of things to say beforehand so I have a "list" of things to talk about.

Leitrim lass

i would have to agree with ickle magoo that you are coming across as bitter. I would even go one further and suggest that you come across as if you are above most people. Sorry if that seems unfair to you.
OP, I too at one point wished that I was as easily amused as others and that I could enjoy talking nonsensical sh*ite as much as the next person. I realise now that that was very arrogant of me.
Not every conversation you have is going to be deep and profound and about things that you personally enjoy.
But, you need to be more open to life and to people in general. I speak from experience by the way. Try to get into meditation or something that relaxes you. If you can be relaxed you will be more comfortable in yourself when around people. You won't feel the need to impress people with 'Tommy Tiernan' style jokes(and no, women do not expect men to behave like him). There are many people who don't have a lot to say but don't beat themselves up about it.
Another thing, listen to people. If you stop judging them as people who brag about where they have travelled you might find them interesting and could learn a thing or two from them. People who travel are usually interesting in my experience!
'hope this is of some help to you. All the best!

funkey_monkey

Did I write this thread?

OP - I feel your pain as I am in the same situation. And the responses so far ring true about me.

I don't speak much when out - i think I'm quiet. Others probably think I'm ignoring them or odd.

As for how to overcome it. I have no idea. It is something I've been working on for years now with little success

LegacyUser

Leitrim lass wrote: »

i would have to agree with ickle magoo that you are coming across as bitter. I would even go one further and suggest that you come across as if you are above most people. Sorry if that seems unfair to you.

I'm glad you said that because it's probably true that I come across as if I am above most people. However it's kind of the opposite because I am unable to converse with them because I havn't done the things they have done (travel a lot for instance).
So I feel kind of inferior to them and as a result feel inferior in their company.
It is possible they see me as aloof though. If only they knew the truth!

Ickle Magoo

But you've lived your life and that made you the person you are today - that's nothing to be ashamed of!

I think you need to have a bit more faith that you are every bit as interesting and worth knowing as someone who's travelled or vocal about having done things. You haven't just been sitting at home in an empty room - just relax, you don't need to plan in advance topics to speak about, just listen interested to what other people say and ask them questions or tie it into things you know or things you have done. Like most things in life, practice makes perfect and the more you do it, the easier you'll find it happens so avoiding social situations is actually compounding the issue through avoidance rather than helping it.

Best of luck!