Socially scared my secrets might come out

LegacyUser

I have a small problem compared to some of the other topics I have read on here but I would love peoples perspective on my habits I suppose you could call them. i'm 19 btw

I am a bit of a loner, Always have been always will be i suppose (have a tiny group of friends) It doesnt bother me as I actually enjoy my own company and even prefer to go places on my own (tired of makin plans and then falling through with people) Thing is I find I have started to shut myself off from the world completely and whenever there is a few people chatting in work or whenever I am invited to a party I boycott them.

I have been invited to a party tomorrow night but the thing is I am really am forcing myself to go

Is what i'm doing wrong?

Is it strange that I like being left alone so much?

and should I force myself to go to social events?

LegacyUser

It could of easily been myself writing this. I personally prefer spending time alone especially when im going places. Theres nothing wrong with it, its just who you are. In terms of not going to social gatherings. I hate thought of gatherings, they seem like such a pain in the arse but once you get there its always better than what you billed them up to be and you end up having a good time.

I turn down nearly every invitation to do something by my mates that people dont bother asking me anymore and ive fallen out of the loop. It may seem a pain in the arse but sometimes you have to make personal appearances. If you go to that work gathering and say to yourself that you will stay for an hour, I guarantee you will stay longer because you actually enjoy yourself. If you dont then the fact you turned up i good PR. I am being a tad hypocritical because i still always turn down nearly every invite i get but i know quite well i have to make public appearance.

18AD

crazypersonisgoodusername wrote: »

I have been invited to a party tomorrow night but the thing is I am really am forcing myself to go

Is what i'm doing wrong?

Is it strange that I like being left alone so much?

and should I force myself to go to social events?

It is not wrong.

It is not strange. But be prepared to accept that others might think it is. Either other people won't even care whether you go out or not, or you will be viewed as the person who doesn't go out.

You don't have to force yourself to go out. But if you don't want the above to happen, then you're in a bind. Then you have to weigh up which is worse, not going out and being viewed as such, or going out just for the sake of it.

It's all up to you really.
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qwerty13

I'm a bit the same myself OP - or I was; I'm a lot older than you now.

I've never been comfortable with being the centre of attention or 'fuss'. I'm cr*p in situations like parties where I don't know that many people, I find them stressful and something that I'd really rather not do.

I love my own company; possibly too much. I'm perfectly happy to come home on Fri eve and not emerge until Mon morn. but I also love socialising with close friends - great nights with the right people, food, lots of drinks, so much talk that you have to try hard to get your own story injected into the conversation! I don't see anything wrong with that: hating big impersonal gatherings, loving 'me time', and loving meeting up and having mad nights with proper close friends. To me, that is far more meaningful than going on gang nights out/parties - or at least it makes me a lot happier!

The only thing that I would say to you is social gatherings with friends-of-friends are often a great chance to make new friends, or meet someone great! It's all about balance really; between what you are comfortable with, and the potential positive effect on your life that other poeple can bring. I defo think it is worth pushing yourself just a wee bit outside your comfort zone on occasion though!

beks101

There is nothing wrong with being the way you are OP. Lots of people would choose their own company rather than others' more often than not.

However, I think developing your social skills will give you a better chance in many facets of your life - you could advance in the workplace for example by networking or having a good rapport with people; you'd widen your chances of meeting someone and getting into a relationship down the line if you became more social; or you could develop a good support network of strong friendships that would enhance your life if you made the effort to meet up and join in a bit more.

You'll probably always be that bit more introverted than a lot of others. I'd be the same to an extent. I love my own company and will often favour it over social events. But if I hadn't made sure to maintain friendships and prioritise nights out, dinner dates, or opted for spontaneous social events instead of sitting in, I would have missed out on some great friendships, relationships, work opportunities and just downright craic that would have made life a lot duller and a lot less meaningful. I've also been through some tough times that would have been impossible to deal with if I'd tried to deal with them solely inside my own head. It's such a cliche, but no man is an island, everyone needs people at some stage in their lives and you don't want to find yourself isolated when you need others the most.

Just get out there, but take it in baby steps. You can still enjoy your own company, but make an effort to head out for a few hours the next time someone invites you out. Next time people are chatting at work, join in, or better yet - initiate the conversation with one of your co-workers.

The more rounded a person you become, in my experience, the happier you become. You just have to make sure you surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself.

Distorted

I know a person a bit like you OP, and over the 7 years I've known him, he seems to have metamorphosed to a charmingly shy young man to a slightly wierd, anti-social man (he seems old for his years). He used to make an effort to go out with us, his group of friends, now he doesn't bother and no-one asks him any more because he always turns us down. He also has a secret, which I know, but the truth is none of his friends would care in the slightest, but he seems instead to have taken the path of avoiding the issue by avoiding us.

I think I read somewhere that shyness ca actually be a manifestation of extreme selfishness. Theres too much focus on how the individual is feeling to the exclusion of the feelings of others. Its quite hurtful to me and his other friends when we invite this guy to things, only to be turned down. Its also a bit insulting that he can't be bothered to make the effort for a special occasion, such as when someone who had been a good friend to him is moving halfway across the world and having their leaving do. At times it just comes across as damned rude, which I'm sure is not his intention, or perhaps he just doesn't care enough about anyone but himself as to whether other people find it rude or not.

I also think being shy and withdrawn is understandable when you're young (and you are very young), but to be the same way when you are 40 or 50 is a bit odd. Some people need to work on their social skills more than others as it does not come naturally to them. Surely you can think of an analogy with other areas where if you didn't work on them or train for them, you would be no good at them?

OP, don't waste your life. Friends are extremely rewarding, and all the statistics show that people with a good group of friends and social life are happier and healthier than those who do not. You can still have plenty of time on your own. If I were you, I'd really try to get myself some cognitive behavioural therapy to discuss this issue with a counsellor.

LegacyUser

OP, how are you feeling usually? I'm not saying you are depressed, but I went through a pretty dark one about 2 years ago and I've noticed that I became more and more of a hermit, turning down invites to parties and nights out. It was getting to a point where I noticed that it was harder and harder for me to get out of my comfort zone (i.e. my bedroom/house) but thankfully I have friends now who don't take no for an answer.

Firetrap

You should go. I think there are more people like you out there than you'd think and while it's great that you're happy with your own company, it is better for you to go out sometimes and meet other people. It's no harm to hone your social skills just in case you need to deal with people (aaarrrrgggh) in your career or in your life in general.

It's all too easy to sit in and avoid people. I think sites like boards and social networks, while they're a way of engaging with people on one level, can be terrible things for people who aren't exactly social butterflies. I think too, the more you avoid people, the harder it can become to interact with them.

So I think you should go tonight. Tell yourself that if you're having a rubbish time, you don't have to stay til the end. Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself.

LegacyUser

I agree with the sentiment that you should (force) yourself to go. I'm the same as yourself as in I don't mind my own company, and I can always entertain myself by doing something interesting, but the thing is, friends are very important, theres actually nothing that makes people happier than having a laugh with other human beings, and friends don't just stay friends if you put no effort in.

I think its important to try and better yourself, and for you, forcing yourself to go social events sometimes (not always of course) will do that! Plus you'll probably have fun anyway!

LegacyUser

Depressed? wrote: »

OP, how are you feeling usually? I'm not saying you are depressed, but I went through a pretty dark one about 2 years ago and I've noticed that I became more and more of a hermit, turning down invites to parties and nights out. It was getting to a point where I noticed that it was harder and harder for me to get out of my comfort zone (i.e. my bedroom/house) but thankfully I have friends now who don't take no for an answer.

I actually feel happy most of the time to be honest, If I am ever in a bad mood or depressed it is most probably because someone has said somthing or done somthing that annoyed me. The only thing I tend to want is a sexual relationship and even at that I wouldn't be intrested in having a girlfriend, I am to selfish and to happy being by myself..


I ended up going to the party and as usual i was bored so I just went home... These 21st partys really aint all that lol.. Why people bother with them is beyond me