4 Years later and still nothing!! Need Advice!

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I really feel like I need impartial advice on this one. Here's the situation - been with OH for four years now,living together,I have a child from a previous reletionship who adores him and he is very good to us both,generally things are great so I don't know if I'm being silly by complaining but....

I guess I thought after four years together we would be further along our journey than we are. I thought we'd at least be engaged by now and planning our family together but he honestly hasn't a notion of it. I should mention that I am five years older than him,never mattered a bit before but now it's like my biological clock is ready to explode and he's still happily plodding along as we have done for four years. I'm 33,he's 28. We have talked about the future and marriage and babies but it was usually in a jokey way - he is a joker and it is EXTREMELY hard to get him to have a serious discussion about ANYTHING. Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when we had an argument over something small and of course everything I had been feeling about this spilled out. We almost broke up then because I didn't think we were on the same page but we didn't in the end coz we both love each other very much and feel it would be crazy to throw that away.

In the end we came to the compromise of opening a joint bank account and saving for our future together because he does want to spend the rest of his life with me and have a family and all that but in the future and the bank account was as much as he could handle right now. It is progress I guess and a step in the right direction so I agreed and we said we'd discuss the whole issue again in six months or so. Thing is I still can't stop thinking about it. I'm so restless. I know we have a good relationship but it's been good for four years now and I really feel like I want to be doing something - planning a wedding or getting ready for a baby or something. I have a sinking feeling that nothing will have changed in six months time except that another six months will have been wasted. It's not like I have all the time in the world,I'll be 34 this year and who knows how long it could take to even conceive. Ideally I'd like to have 2 or 3 more and he says he does too but hello,by the time he's ready for them it'll be too late for me!

We talked and talked this through but just go round in circles. The last thing I want is for him to propose because he thinks he has to or to bring a baby who isn't absolutely longed for into the world. But I am on a clock at the same time. What to do?

One of the most hurtful things is that over a year ago he confided in my mother that he was going to propose to me that year. My mother told me (I know,Mammy's!!) and I was so excited. The two of us waited and waited through every birthday and holiday and still nothing. I mentioned it to him when we argued lately and he said he was just drunk that night (which he was) and said stuff he didn't mean! How hurtful is that? My mam swears he did mean it, that she knows drunk talk when she hears it and this wasn't it but that just makes it worse coz he obviously meant it then and has changed his mind since. He swears his feelings for me are still the same and I do believe him in a way coz he does show me he loves me all the time but........I don't get it then. I don't even know if he gets it. Whenever I can get him to talk seriously about things he doesn't even seem to know himself how he feels. He doesn't feel ready but he doesn't know why or in what way or when he will. Most of the questions I ask him about his innermost feelings and desires get "I don't know" for an answer and I don't think he's using that as a cop-out, I honestly think he doesn't know! He says he loves me to bits and wants to be with me forever but when I ask why not marry me then he doesn't know. He adores my daughter and is so good with her and wants to have kids of our own but when I say why not get started then he says no but he doesn't know why.

I suppose some of it could be financial coz we are by no means well off. But still,it doesn't cost much to get engaged and we'd have plenty of time to save for whatever kind of wedding we choose. And our baby would want for nothing,believe me. He just keeps saying he's not ready and that he's only 28. In fact he never says his age without the word "only" before it like 28 is the new 18 or something. I keep saying that 28 isn't actually that young but he's convinced it is. Both our Dads were married with kids at that age but he just says that was a different time. It's like he won't even consider marriage and babies until HE'S in his thirties but meanwhile i'm running out of time.

I suppose he's hanging on to his young lifestyle as long as he can. He went out with his mates last night to the pub to watch the football which I've no problem with, he works hard and deserves to enjoy himself. Trouble is every time he does meet up with them (which is only once a week or ten days admittedly,it's not like it's every night) he overdoes it and comes home out of his head. I was looking at him last night passed out across the bed still fully clothed with drool on his chin and snoring his head off and I just thought "Oh my god, this is the man I want to have children with?!" Don't get me wrong, he's great in so many ways but I guess I thought he'd be leaving those young immature drunken days behind him by now. But no, not yet, sure he's "only" 28!

I don't know, maybe I am being too hard on him. After all we do have a great relationship otherwise and he does want the things I want sometime. I just can't shake this feeling that I want them now. I'm so restless at the mo I've gone from thinking about this from time to time to thinking about it all the time and it's really getting me down now but I feel like I can't bring it all up again so soon coz that will be pushing him and that is something I really don't want to do coz that's a recipe for disaster in every circumstance. I need help!

Sorry about the long post, I'm just feeling particularly low about all this today. Any help, advice, suggestions or similar experience would really be appreciated so much. Thanks.

LegacyUser

My thoughts on this are that, well, he IS only 28. This is quite young for a man to settle down for life these days. The age gap means you are at very different points in your lives.

Reading this, he seems less bothered than you.

My opinion is that he's not sure you are THE ONE he wants to spend his life with and you are putting an awful lot of pressure on him with joint accounts and questions as to how he feels about you. Continue putting pressure and he may begin to resent you.

Of course you can leave but by the time you find someone who is as bothered about you as you are him, your clock may have stopped ticking.

Right now though, it seems you are a lot more into him than he is into you.

He's young. He's been in this relationship for 4 years. He may not see it going the same direction as you and may be holding out on something better coming along.

His jokey reactions and lack of interest in talking it out could speak volumes.

I think you need to be more realistic here. Forget about marriage and babies and joint accounts and figure if he wants to be with you at all.

lee_holloway

28 is still young!! - and anyway, that is HIS perception of it so you're not entitled to change his mind about how he feels about HIS age.

just because both your dad's were married with kids by 28 doesn't mean he should be obligated to. my dad was 21 when he had me.. i'm 27 and do not want marriage or children for ages and i've been with my boyf for 8 years.

bottom line is - you cant pressure him into marriage or children and if u continue down that road you will push him away forever. if he's not ready, he's not ready. he has to live his own life and be happy.

LegacyUser

He may be "young" at 28, but- and I mean no offence to you, OP- the OP is not, at 33.

She is completely right to be concerned that it's going to be at least another few years before her bf feels "ready" to settle down. He's having the best of both worlds at the moment, living the single life out on the lash with d'lads, whilst coming home to all the creature comforts of living with someone(but without all that grownup hassle of babies, marriage ect). There's no REAL incentive for him to progress things, life is fairly sweet for him right now.

As for telling her mum about the proposal, and then it not being forthcoming, that's just plain out of order.
It's not abnormal for the OP to want to move on in life, to progress, to change. But the bf is stuck in a rut, albeit a very happy rut! (for him).
The risk of fetal abnormalities, miscarriages, ect, increases with increased parental age. (Btw, It doesn't sound like the bf would handle the stress of any of this well). The bf may have a few years on his side, but the OP does not, and the bf should recognise that she hasn't got these years to faff around on a prolonged adolescent relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks dgdlkg,you get totally what I'm saying and where I'm coming from. I know he's younger and it's not his fault that I'm older and on a clock so to speak but he did fall in love with someone older so then he has to make allowances and adapt his plans accordingly. I didn't expect to fall in love with someone five years younger than me either but I did and I adapted a lot of my plans and lifestyle to fit his too.

Thanks to the other two posters too for your inputs but it's really not an issue of him not being into me or loving me or holding out for someone better,that's not what it's about,honestly. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he loves me completely and wants to be with me forever. It seems to be more that he knows when he's married with children he will naturally have a lot of responsibilities and commitments and he seems to be putting that off until he feels better able to handle them sufficiently and comfortably. That's both financially and emotionally. I know he will get there, I just wish he'd hurry up!

I take your point that it's a lot of pressure to put on him,that's my problem. I hate to pressure or push him but I am anxious of time constraints also so feel torn.

And as for the "taken back proposal", thanks dgdlkg, it is totally out of order isn't it???? I mean I'm not being dramatic here,that is a truly awful thing to do to a girl. I suppose he was overcome with emotion (and drink!) on the night in question and then panicked afterwards when he realised he wasn't fully prepared enough for it yet. That's the logical side of me rationalising it and getting on with things but it still gets to me deep down. Any girl would be hurt by this wouldn't she? And even apart from that, now I'm afraid that it will taint the actual proposal when it happens.

LegacyUser

He probably does want to be with you, just on his terms& conditions, and on his time schedule. Over time, will you come to terms with this, or will it eat away at you and the relationship? But you need to factor your child into things as well.
In saying that, what happens if he decides he's ready circa age 33(when you are 38) that he wants kids, and you might be unwilling/unable to have them? Will he be willing to accept (possible) infertility, or will the kids issue move him to pastures a-new?
NB: Definately consider couples counselling, it's important that you are both on the same page, or totally honest with each other. 4years is a lot to throw away if this is salvagable.
(Meantime, I'd retract on the bank account thing. If he's not prepared to commit to you emotionally, why should you commit to him financially? And it doesn't sound like he's overly enamoured with the idea anyway, so it's unlikely to change his mindset much about the whole commitment/family thing)