Devastated

Shell Shocked

I just want to share my experience and vent a little if that’s ok. I was with my ex for 5 years, we have a three year old daughter. He’s from the UK and worked away from home three weeks at a time which has been very hard since our daughter was born. We skyped or phoned each other every night when he was working away and everything seemed fine up until the first week of January (he was still at work and worked over xmas).

The first week of January when he was due to come home, he calls me and says it’s finished, he no longer loves me. This hit me like a bolt out of the blue as everything seemed to be fine or so I thought. He constantly would tell me how much he loved me and missed me and our daughter. We had planned a future together. I’m absolutely devastated and more so for our three year old daughter.

Anyway, I had a feeling he met someone else and of course I was right, he called me to tell me just a week later. He reconnected with someone he used to know on Facebook and now he has left our life together to be with her. Apparently he has this new relationship all over facebook which is very hurtful. Six weeks on and I’m still shell shocked. I wasn’t sure how to handle it with our daughter. I thought the best thing was to get our daughter involved in packing up his stuff and I told her daddy wouldn’t be living here anymore. He hasn’t been back to the house since and is now staying in the UK.

The guilt I’m feeling at the moment is horrendous as obviously there was something wrong in the relationship for someone to be so flippant and selfish or maybe I’m just blind and didn’t see it?

LegacyUser

There was something wrong in the relationship if he wasn't willing to live with his partner and child in Ireland, rather than spending weeks away in the UK whether it be his home or not.

He could've found a job here with his family surely? He just didn't want to. You weren't the one for him. He was still looking and waiting.

I thought the best thing was to get our daughter involved in packing up his stuff and I told her daddy wouldn’t be living here anymore.

This line disturbed me. I'm really not sure this was the best method in which to tell your daughter.

You have the right to be upset and angry but your daughter really does need to be protected from your negative feelings towards her father right now.

Shell Shocked

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I think you are right, he was obviously waiting until something better came along.

With regard to our daughter, I did tell her daddy loves her very much and the counsellor thought it was the best thing to get her involved in getting daddy's things together. We constantly talk about him and I have put pictures of them together all around the house.

The worst thing about this is, I don't think he will be interested in having any contact with his daughter. I just have to sit it out and wait and see what happens.

Time is a great healer and hopefully things will look up in the near future.

metrovelvet

Why did the counsellor suggest that the three year old get involved with packing up his things? I imagine that it was so it becomes more real for her?

Im very sorry to hear what has happenned. Take good care of both you.

I hate to say it but with a new country and a new girlfriend your daughter will probably get shoved down the priority list.

Has he mentioned a parenting plan for how he will see and maintain contact with his daughter?

Maintenance?

Distorted

Very irresponsible of him. I suggest you see a solicitor asap. Was just wondering why you didn't move to the UK to be with him, because any relationship is going to be under strain if you see each other that little over such a long period.

tbh

Shell Shocked wrote: »

The guilt I’m feeling at the moment is horrendous as obviously there was something wrong in the relationship for someone to be so flippant and selfish or maybe I’m just blind and didn’t see it?

You're feeling guilty because the father of your child told you he loved you and her, and you believed him?

Come on now! You did nothing wrong, and he's an asshole - don't lose sight of that. You have a little girl who depends on you to show her how to live her life. You got taken in by this guy, you aren't the first person that this has happened to, and you won't be the last - but for gods sake, don't let it change you. It's his loss - not yours.

Cheeky_gal

tbh wrote: »

You're feeling guilty because the father of your child told you he loved you and her, and you believed him?

Come on now! You did nothing wrong, and he's an asshole - don't lose sight of that. You have a little girl who depends on you to show her how to live her life. You got taken in by this guy, you aren't the first person that this has happened to, and you won't be the last - but for gods sake, don't let it change you. It's his loss - not yours.

Exactly OP.
His loss completely.
I'm only 20 years of age and every day I'm imagining what it would be like to have a little girl of my own. It's you and her now, that's lovely!

I know it's difficult, but as TBH said, it's his loss. He sounds like a d*ckhead to say the least. I'd definately go and seek a solicitor's advice. Men like him shouldn't get away with sh*t like that. It's gobsmacking how someone could do that, especially when there's children involved.

metrovelvet

I know people like to say 'it's his loss' but its not just his loss. OP lost a partner, the child lost a father or at least a cohabitating father and we all know where this is going, it is a total upheaval of a family life with long term psychological, sociological and financial consequences.

OP, I know you are grieving and stop and take time to do that before you do anything.

Then you have to start being clever.

You can either live in peace and let him go and do whatever he wants or you can ask him to go to mediation to sort out a parenting and maintenance plan.

He wont want to do option B because of his new life, so you will probably need a solicitor.

Shell Shocked

Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments.

Maintenance has been agreed but I'm not sure if it will be in the long-term as I've lost all trust in him at the mo.

I just need to take some time to get my daughter and myself back on an even keel. Time will tell how things work out.

We were supposed to move to the UK in March, and now thank our lucky stars we didn't.

I still cannot believe I was so taken in by him and he just blew our family apart in the flick of an eye.

LegacyUser

Shell Shocked wrote: »

I just want to share my experience and vent a little if that’s ok. I was with my ex for 5 years, we have a three year old daughter. He’s from the UK and worked away from home three weeks at a time which has been very hard since our daughter was born. We skyped or phoned each other every night when he was working away and everything seemed fine up until the first week of January (he was still at work and worked over xmas).

The first week of January when he was due to come home, he calls me and says it’s finished, he no longer loves me. This hit me like a bolt out of the blue as everything seemed to be fine or so I thought. He constantly would tell me how much he loved me and missed me and our daughter. We had planned a future together. I’m absolutely devastated and more so for our three year old daughter.

Anyway, I had a feeling he met someone else and of course I was right, he called me to tell me just a week later. He reconnected with someone he used to know on Facebook and now he has left our life together to be with her. Apparently he has this new relationship all over facebook which is very hurtful. Six weeks on and I’m still shell shocked. I wasn’t sure how to handle it with our daughter. I thought the best thing was to get our daughter involved in packing up his stuff and I told her daddy wouldn’t be living here anymore. He hasn’t been back to the house since and is now staying in the UK.

The guilt I’m feeling at the moment is horrendous as obviously there was something wrong in the relationship for someone to be so flippant and selfish or maybe I’m just blind and didn’t see it?

"there was something wrong in the relationship for someone to be so flippant and selfish"
the only thing wrong was him, some men are just selfish and down right manipultive.
my ex just changed in a few hours, said he loved me in the morning, but then sais its best to part ways before day was out

greenprincess

Are you in contact with his family? I think it is very important for your daughter to know them.
My heart goes out to you x

Shell Shocked

Knows the feeling - My god , I thought my situation was bad, but to change over a few hours, you must have been devastated.

It's hard to believe my ex is in his mid 40's and to behave in such a manner with facebook etc I just can't get my head around. It's all so public. He's not only let his daughter and me down, he's also let himself down.

With regard to his family, his brother and sister-in-law are in contact with me - they have been great. They are so ashamed of him at the moment. With regards to the rest of his family, they have completely ignored me including his mother, so they obviously think his behaviour is ok - which says it all.

I am now just going to concentrate on my daughter and myself. We have our holidays planned and various other things throughout the year, so "knows the feeling" like yourself it's onwards and upwards!;)

Taltos

Shell Shocked wrote: »

With regard to his family, his brother and sister-in-law are in contact with me - they have been great. They are so ashamed of him at the moment. With regards to the rest of his family, they have completely ignored me including his mother, so they obviously think his behaviour is ok - which says it all.

I know you might want to think this - but families do close ranks - and support their own most of the time, it does not mean that they think his behaviour is ok at all - just that blood is thicker than water, I can only imagine what might be shouted about him behind closed doors...
Can I suggest that if possible you let the ones you are in contact with know that you would love for your daughter to still be involved in her extended family however for everyones sake you feel it best not to discuss or be drawn into any discussion on your ex.
And I mean that - don't let any of them know how you really feel - all that will do is drive a wedge between them and your daughter and she may lose out on some great aunts/uncles.

aidan24326

'Shell Shocked' I know it won't make you feel much better right now but maybe in time you'll take consolation in knowing that you might have dodged the proverbial bullet here.

Because if he could treat you this callously, then obviously he wasn't going to be a good long term option, and would surely have just hurt you further down the line if not now. So better to get it out of the way now than waste any more of your time. But be prepared for the possibility that he comes crawling back in a few months from now when his hot new fling fizzles out and he starts to regret his decision. Might not ever happen, but it could.

LegacyUser

Shell Shocked wrote: »

Knows the feeling - My god , I thought my situation was bad, but to change over a few hours, you must have been devastated.

It's hard to believe my ex is in his mid 40's and to behave in such a manner with facebook etc I just can't get my head around. It's all so public. He's not only let his daughter and me down, he's also let himself down.

With regard to his family, his brother and sister-in-law are in contact with me - they have been great. They are so ashamed of him at the moment. With regards to the rest of his family, they have completely ignored me including his mother, so they obviously think his behaviour is ok - which says it all.

I am now just going to concentrate on my daughter and myself. We have our holidays planned and various other things throughout the year, so "knows the feeling" like yourself it's onwards and upwards!;)

devasted isnt the word, although it seems now i was being played, he made me out to be a pyscho. ah well

Shell Shocked

Just wanted to vent here again if you don't mind.

Well things have moved on since I was last on boards.

My ex has now got engaged to a person who he has only known for less than 2 months. It's unnerving really. They have the date set, venue etc and it's in six months time (one of his family members told me). I am moving on but this news has set me back a bit. My daughter is doing really well at the moment and I now know he will have no contact with her - he hasn't contacted me since we split. I know my daughter and myself have had a lucky escape and I can see the wood for the trees!

He has paid an agreed amount of maintenance up until now, but I don't trust he will continue to pay and unfortunately I need his exact address before I can apply to the district court to see a maintenance order in the UK. What would you do? Would you chase this or leave things be?

Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advise re maintenance would be much appreciated.

Cheeky_gal

Shell Shocked wrote: »

He has paid an agreed amount of maintenance up until now, but I don't trust he will continue to pay and unfortunately I need his exact address before I can apply to the district court to see a maintenance order in the UK. What would you do? Would you chase this or leave things be?

Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advise re maintenance would be much appreciated.

Definately chase this OP. Why should you be left with all the responsibily. He's already screwed you over, why allow him to do it again? After all, he is her father, he has a responsibilty to financially support her upbringing at the very least. If he doesn't want to be part of her life then fair enough (you and her are better off) but he should most definately be forced to pay maintenance.

1939

Shell Shocked wrote: »

I am now just going to concentrate on my daughter and myself. We have our holidays planned and various other things throughout the year, so "knows the feeling" like yourself it's onwards and upwards!;)

Fair play OP, keep strong and you will be happy again

knows the feeling wrote: »

some men are just selfish and down right manipultive

Oh women are very much capable of being like this too. If only you knew my ex!