How much do you put up with for the love of your life?

LegacyUser

I love my boyfriend completely, we plan to spend the rest of our lives together, but how difficult does life have to get before you have to make the call that love has to be sacrificed, that it's not worth the hassle?

My boyfriend's ex causes us endless problems. There are no kids involved. No cheating. She just won't leave us alone.

Has anyone survived a relationship that has constant drama created by his ex?

Is it worth hanging in there with the hopes that one day she will go away?

Or is it better to end things, and find someone else who you care a lot less about but who doesn't have baggage and drama?

LegacyUser

Ya that kinda thing. Texting/Calling late at night. Meeting up with him on nights out when I'm not there. Always somewhere in his life.

He isn't willing to cut her out of his life. Doesn't see why he should.

I feel as this upsets me, her always causing drama, if he loved me he would remove her from his life.

It makes me wonder. It's as simple as saying 'STOP. Leave me alone. I am in a relationship' but he doesn't. She knows me, is rude to me, ignores me.

Is it acceptable for an ex who is still in love with your bf to be kept as part of their life?

I don't believe an ex should still be part of your life, particularly one in love with you. Maybe that's just me.

mood

I think you main problem is your boyfriend allowing this to happen. He should cut her out of him life if it upsets you, affects your relationship and she is rude etc to you.

How long are you with him? How long was he with her and why did they break up?

Either he enjoys the ego boost, he still has feelings for her or something could even be going on between them. Who knows!

I think I would cut my losses and find a man who puts me before his ex.

Taltos

OP not trying to be dense here - but are they friends or do you know for a fact that she is pining after him?

If friends - sorry but no-one has the right to dictate to another whom they may have as a friend.
If more though - then I mean why does he continue allowing this? If this is the case then you need to be crystal with him - he needs to set her straight or you will not waste anymore of your time in this relation of 2 and a half...

Distorted

geraldine3 wrote: »

I don't believe an ex should still be part of your life, particularly one in love with you. Maybe that's just me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with staying friends with an ex, if both parties are sensible about it.

geraldine3 wrote: »

Texting/Calling late at night. Meeting up with him on nights out when I'm not there. Always somewhere in his life.

Too much contact with an ex, on the other hand, is not acceptable to the majority of people. Its hard to draw up rules of what is and is not acceptable, but maybe the occasional call or text and meeting up maybe once a month or so, but not a regular date, might be ok.

The fact that the calls and texts come late at night would annoy me. As would the meeting up when I wasn't there. Is the man scared to be alone or something? Does he need the attention of two people? And why does he indulge the ex but not pay attention to your concerns?

Peanut2011

Hi OP, the issue is not ex it's your OH. If he is not willing to move away from her knowing the issues it is causing I'd say you need to talk to him and explain your issues.

Once you have made it clear how much of a problem it is and your OH does not consider that to be enough to cut the contact off than he has very little respect for you.

I'm sure there will be people saying "he is with you not her it is your insecurity" and so on, but IMO that is bull.

If that was me, I would be out of there.

LegacyUser

To him, they're friends.

She admits she's still in love with him.

He says nothing will happen as he is not in love with her, just friends.

metrovelvet

Its not a case of she wont leave you alone then. Its a case of he likes her company.

Taltos

geraldine3 wrote: »

To him, they're friends.

She admits she's still in love with him.

He says nothing will happen as he is not in love with her, just friends.

OK - based on this then your OH is being a d1ck. Whether he likes it or not he is intentionally stringing her along and not allowing her to begin to move past him.
I am not sure if you have used such language with him before but it might be time to lay it out for him.

Otherwise this is a disaster for any number of reasons - some SF went through - others - the impact on you - impact on this girl. I mean - if the above is true he really does need to wake up and smell the coffee. He also needs to have that "final" chat with her asap - not sure who to pity more - you for putting up with this - or her for living in a delusion fueled by him (unwittingly or not).

astra2000

geraldine3 wrote: »

To him, they're friends.

She admits she's still in love with him.

He says nothing will happen as he is not in love with her, just friends.

Why would he tolerate any of his friends or family been rude to you? He should have more respect for you than to continue a friendship with someone who is ignorant to you. It doesnt matter that she is an ex what matters is her attitude to you.

Beruthiel

geraldine3 wrote: »

She admits she's still in love with him.

Well isn't that a nice little ego boost for him.
What an insensitive asshole.
She's hanging in there in the hopes he'll come back and instead of letting her go so she can move on, he continually gives her hope by spending time with her.

Personally, I would not tolerate that. In fact, it says an awful lot about his character.
Anyone with an ounce of conscience in them would not treat someone else like that. Most people would cut all contact with an ex if one was still living in hope.

Make a stand OP.

mood

astra2000 wrote: »

Why would he tolerate any of his friends or family been rude to you? He should have more respect for you than to continue a friendship with someone who is ignorant to you. It doesnt matter that she is an ex what matters is her attitude to you.

Exactly. He sound like a very selfish person. It's al him, him, him.

Op you still didn't say how long you are with him, how long he was with the ex and how long they have broken up.

Maple

Your boyfriend needs to make a stand. He wants to be seen as the nice guy, still friends with everyone and he probably most likely is getting a nice ego boost from her declaring her love for him.

Just to open another can of worms here, I feel for this other girl, you don't know what sort of yarn he's been spinning her along for her to keep hanging around like this. Or maybe he's not, this sort of shady behaviour just makes me uneasy tho.

He needs to make a call, he can't please everyone all of the time so he needs to decide who he actually wants to keep happy and in his life, you or his ex.

metrovelvet

^ Yep. Im not sure who he is being the bigger jerk to here. But he is being a jerk to both of you thats for sure.

LBD

I feel very sorry for you OP....not a nice situation at all.

We had issues with my OH's ex who couldn't let go. Constant emails etc trying to drag up the past, he used to ignore her and not reply as he's not really a confrontational person but as soon as I admitted it bothered me he contacted her telling her in no uncertain terms that he had moved on long ago and she should do the same. When she got a bit upset at that he changed his email and phone number etc. I think very rarely can people be friends after breaking up as more often than not one still has feelings for the other (obv goes without saying this isnt true in all circumstances)

I didn't ask him to change any of his contact details he did it himself....he said he would rather block all contact with her if there was the slightest chance I'd be upset as she was his past and I am his future.... A couple of years later and she's a distant memory.

Sometimes men need a bit of a nudge OP but I think you're OH is being really unfair, he seems to have gotten the nudge but is ignoring it....hope things work out for you

LegacyUser

We're together coming up on 3 years. He was with her for over 3 years. They broke up a year before he and I met and had little contact until about a year ago when she felt ready to be friends.

He told me he had no reason to insult her or fall out with her. They mutually split as they 'didn't work as a couple'.

He says it's her problem if she still has feelings for him and if she wants to cut him off in the morning that's fine but he has no reason to do this as having feelings for him isn't a crime and it isn't his problem, he does not have feelings for her.

One half of me agrees, the rest feels so sad.

I've talked to some close friends about this and a couple of them agree with him, that he can be friends with whoever he likes, just because I'm his gf doesn't mean I can tell him who his friends can be. I agree with this, but it still hurts.

I honestly don't think he's leading her on. I've seen him just playing the friend role. It's only her I've seen flirting and trying to make it more than it is. She's told him and others she still feels the same about him.

He promises he would never run away with her, that he is with me. It comes back to me looking insecure every time and maybe I am so I don't want to bring this up anymore.

Taltos

So - he is aware of her feelings about him, he is aware of your feelings on the matter - and yet he chooses to ignore both of these cause he just "doesn't care".

OP - he needs to be educated a little if you get my drift. Life is not all about him. The sooner he learns to take into account others feelings the better.

TBH - his view on this just strikes me as either very laid back or a total lie.

fungun

No way, having a friend who you know wants to sleep with you is unworkable....esp for most males!

My problem with this is relns always have ups and downs.
What happens when you have a kid say, and he is suddenly feeling left out cos he is getting no attention. Oh, look, here is someone who is willing to give me attention instead. Not a chance.

Id explain to him the reality of you guys sometimes not getting on so well and how bad it would make you feel then

mood

OP it is his problem if it hurts you because that will obviously affect your relationship. He sound soooooo selfish.

tinkerbell

OP, he is being a total insensitive dumbass. If he knows that you are uncomfortable with him hanging around with his ex girlfriend because she has declared she still loves him, then he should stop hanging out with her!! It is totally unreasonable of him to keep hanging out with her. It's a complete ego boost for him. I would not be comfortable if I were in your position. Talk to him - if he respects you and cares for you, then he will put your feelings first.

spinandscribble

I wouldn't consider him really the ex's friend tbh. I mean, he's not giving her the cut she needs to get over him. If he truly was HER friend he'd care enough about her to let her go.

So to me its just his ego at play here. I don't think i'd put up with it, especially since she treats you badly and he doesn't care.

He's having his cake and eating it too. Two women in love with him, pulling for affection. I dunno op but if it was me i'd bow out because I don't think he's good enough by the sounds of it.

spinandscribble

Beruthiel wrote: »

Well isn't that a nice little ego boost for him.
What an insensitive asshole.
She's hanging in there in the hopes he'll come back and instead of letting her go so she can move on, he continually gives her hope by spending time with her.

Personally, I would not tolerate that. In fact, it says an awful lot about his character.
Anyone with an ounce of conscience in them would not treat someone else like that. Most people would cut all contact with an ex if one was still living in hope.

Make a stand OP.

Please op listen to this poster.