why do I deserve this!

LegacyUser

Long time poster going anonymous,

My life has been so terrible lately, I have an undergrad degree, a masters, I have done unpaid work to gain experience and continue to do so, yet I cant get a job, not even an internship!

In the last year both my parents have been diagnosed with serious illnesses.

Also i feel my partying has become a way to fill time, like I drink to be feel better with my unemployment! I am 25.

i see my friends and they are where I wanna be, I have a loving and supportive boyf and my drinking has caused friction,esp with my family life ( I must add I am on an anti depressants that messes me up sometimes when I drink and causes blackouts which is very rare, so they always come as a surprise), I feel my drinking is in no way on the healthy side( over the units recommened for daily consumption,for my weight and size, yet the fact i am on meds for a depressant state, which I am so over!!) makes it worse.

Many times iv gone out and drank 5 pints,yet with these meds it has made me an inchorent mess, and this leads people around me to feel like I am a drunk or something

I know I should be a better, aka be patient and be like yeah 'I am on meds and I should be a better drinker (drink less)'
but I don't have those some problems, that I did a year ago
( that made me go on the the meds), yet the meds are stilll making me black out, ( I havnt made an appointment to get off them) I guess my problem is that my whole alcohol problem, an escapism to get away from my many problems, is all messed up by my anti depressant chemistry ...even though i feel fine now, and I have worked with a therapist though the reasons that brought me to the meds...when I drink the meds react with the alcohol and make me black out when i hasve one too many!

Which makes the people in my life think that I am lush and that I am drinking loads!

I loved some thoughts or advice on this topic..please and thank you!

Taltos

OP - I have a friend who like you is on meds and who insists on drinking - just one or two like, she doesn't have a problem.
So anyway - we all met up for a bit of a reunion - and to be honest the night was such a nightmare - ok - she was such a nightmare - I never want to see her again. The whole evening right after dinner was spent by the group making sure she was ok. We all got a text the next day to say "it wasn't me - it was my meds, maybe I shouldn't have had that drink" - have heard from others that this is a regular occurence.
> Just putting in the above to maybe hit home the impact your behaviour may be having on some friendships...

That aside you do seem to have quite a few problems - and doubtless you are spending your time bouncing between them all so much - that maybe at some level you welcome the blackouts. You need to be really careful here as the longer you continue this route (consciously or not) the more likely you will react to all the little life-fcuks that come up over the years.

Can I suggest that you break out each of the problems - try not to get crowded by all the different things going on. Also - stop all alcohol intake - seriously - while you are on the meds you need to cop on to fcuk before you make things worse for yourself.

1. Parents - you need to be there for them. Yes you might have to act all together and happy - but they really need you strong right now. I know this pressure is not fair - but if they are really ill they cannot be spending energy worrying about you - it will just make their treatment all the tougher...

2. Job - When I left college I was unemployed for 9mts. I tried everything - bag packer, book shop clerk - all told me to get lost as they all said that once I got a job that I would just quit. Found this infuriating. In the end I took up a FAS course, something to compliment my degree - 3 wks later I had 3 interviews and 2 offers off the back of this course. Maybe consider something similar. OR - consider volunteering - maybe walking dogs at a local shelter - do you know how much better it will appear in an interview or on your CV that you have been active and contributing?

3. Meds - STOP mixing with alcohol. Immediately. Not even one drink. That means stop using the drink and med combo as your personal party zone. At best you will lose your friends. At worst you may wake up in ICU being asked if the nurse can use a rape kit...

4. Therapy - keep it up / seek an alternate therapist / 2nd opinion. Maybe you are still on the path to recovery and have a bit more to go.

See life really is a challenge some days / years. It can be rosey or all at once it seems like all hell breaks loose. Ideally we all learn to know somewhere that it will get better - but all we can do is just focus on the one thing right now that we need to. Try to block out the noise of everything else and focus on the one thing you need to do as you need to do it.

LegacyUser

I've only had 4 blackouts within my 3 years of taking meds, maybe sometimes i do welcome them in some subconcious way!

But mostly when I drink I see it as the situataion before my whole meds things started,

I don't see it as a way out , just some (admittedly silly pass time) but each time I feel so desperate shameful that I see drinking as a passtime and i feel it is destructive!

kerryman12

HI OP

You are having a rough time of it at the moment, problems never seem to come on there own do they.

A few comments/suggestion I would make;

yet the fact i am on meds for a depressant state, which I am so over!!

( I havnt made an appointment to get off them)

Seems to me that this is one positive step you can take straight away. Assuming you have moved on from your past issues and that a professionals agrees then getting off those things maybe would be a positive thing.

My life has been so terrible lately, I have an undergrad degree, a masters, I have done unpaid work to gain experience and continue to do so, yet I cant get a job, not even an internship!

I never know what to say to people in this situation, other than keep searching, you will get something eventually. I know how that sounds and how frustrating it is, well it was for me - it must be worse now. All you can do is keep looking and be prepared to be flexiable to get that start, once you have that you wont look back.

Reading your posts it seems to me you are using alcohol as a type of escape from all of the issues in your life. AS you say yourself it is not a way out just a way to maybe escape and forget for a few hours. You are obviously a intelligent woman, who really does know better than to mix alcohol and meds - come on like!! You need to break that cycle as a matter of urgency. I know how this will sound coming from a non drinker but you have to find a way to moderate your use of alcohol. I would be afraid reading your posts that if you continue as you are then your escape may eventually becomes the biggest issue in your life. Try to break that cycle if you can.

I am sorry to hear about your parents. AS others have said try to spend time with them and support them as much as possible. Both my parents have been through the ringer with illness over the past 8/10 years but had pretty good outcomes so hopefully in a year or so you will be in the same boat.

Keep sometime aside for yourself also OP, try to get something positive going on in your life - sports/hobbies what ever.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Many times iv gone out and drank 5 pints,yet with these meds it has made me an inchorent mess, and this leads people around me to feel like I am a drunk or something

hmmm....as a woman 5 pints and i'd be getting a bit messy and i'm not on any medication...

I feel so desperate shameful that I see drinking as a passtime and i feel it is destructive!

I feel my drinking is in no way on the healthy side( over the units recommened for daily consumption,for my weight and size, yet the fact i am on meds for a depressant state, which I am so over!!) makes it worse.

I guess my problem is that my whole alcohol problem, an escapism to get away from my many problems

Op these seem like big red flags to me, if you do come off the meds and can drink as much as you want, what happens then? Now that you can drink again will alcohol become a crutch? I think your attitude to alcohol is very very unhealthy and the alcohol reacting with your meds is the least of your problems to be honest..I would seriously recommend you talk to someone about the reasons for your reliance on alcohol, before you end up substituting one problem with drinking problem.

Peanut2011

Sorry OP but there is no nice way to say this. Stop drinking!

You know the drink is the problem and yet you do nothing to help yourself. You are not the only unemployed person that wants to work and can't find the work and if you keep going like that, you will end up at the point where you won't be employable either.

Do yourself a favour and stop drinking. I never said it would be easy.

OP your friends and boyfriend have better things to be doing on a night out than minding you while you get messed up and blacking out. Keep up this carry on and you will find yourself with fewer friends and further issues with your bf.

Your parents are ill and also do not need to be worrying about you.

Stop drinking and stop blaming it on feeling sorry for yourself. You need to be there for your parents.


Regarding getting a job, sign up with FAS etc and best of luck.

Oryx

why do I DESRVE THIS! wrote: »

I've only had 4 blackouts within my 3 years of taking meds, maybe sometimes i do welcome them in some subconcious way!

But mostly when I drink I see it as the situataion before my whole meds things started,

I don't see it as a way out , just some (admittedly silly pass time) but each time I feel so desperate shameful that I see drinking as a passtime and i feel it is destructive!

Only four? Thats four too many.

Alcohol is a depressant and will put you into a see saw with your moods, making any depression you feel worse.

Dont use your current difficult situation as an excuse for why you drink. It isnt the reason you drink, if that were the case every single person who had problems would be on the lash. Drinking is YOUR way of dealing with it, and if its messing you up then you know its the wrong way. In fact your whole post reads as a list of excuses why you drink and why its not actually the alcohol thats the problem its everything else.....

If you feel the need to make excuses for your drinking then its time to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can stop.