He's into drugs, Im not

LegacyUser

Just started seeing a guy I really like. We knew each other for a while before getting together and I knew he took stuff socially the odd time, but its beginning to sound like a far more regular thing than I thought. I drink and wouldnt have a problem with the odd spliff among friends but Im not interested in being around much more than that. Ive tried it in the past and realised its not for me. Were both 30 and I feel at this age its not really something Id have much patience for.
Things seemed to be going fine but now Im wondering if its a good idea to get involved with him. I could see it causeing problems further down the line if he's going out to do pills and whatever with his friends every few weekends and Im sitting at home being disaprooving of it.
Weve only been together a short time so its probably still too early to start bringing up my thoughts on the future...is it?

LegacyUser

That would definitely be a reason for me to get out now before things get more serious and it gets more difficult.

Telling him you are ending it because of his occasional pill popping will probably cause him to promise it will never happen again while most likely it will.

I'm not sure if I'd go into details of why I'm ending it, just say you don't feel compatible with his lifestyle.

Don't waste any more of your time on someone you know will cause problems down the road.

Like you, I think the odd spliff is fine, but I'd be worried about pills and coke etc. Most people can become so unpredictable doing stuff like that, that you really just can't deal with them. The worst is when they think they're being spontaneous and fun, even though they're making life very difficult for you. As far as I've ever seen, guys who go out doing pills while their gf sits at home tend to end up needing to be mothered all the time. Coming home a state expecting to be looked after.

This is however a generalisation, and guys I know who only dabble wouldn't be like this. If you think this is an ongoing problem, I'd hit the road if I were you. If you think you can talk to him without him getting all defensive, maybe you can work something out. Have you explained to him that you don't like that sort of thing?

liah

How does his drug-taking directly affect you? Or is it the simple knowing that he's doing drugs that bothers you? Has it made negative impact on the relationship in any way other than the idea of him doing drugs?

Do you know what drugs it is he's doing/where he's getting them?

If it affects you negatively, just end it since it's so early on. If it doesn't affect you but you just don't like the idea of it, I'd also suggest ending it but that can be worked on, depending.

Essentially what this comes down to is if he's a 'smart' drug taker or a stupid drug taker. If he's smart, he's researched the drug he's done, does it in moderation, and is safe about use. If he's stupid, he'll let his drug-taking bleed over into this relationships, act the maggot when he's on them, do them all the time, etc.

Do you also have problems with the idea of him going on an alcohol bender? If not, it may be worthwhile to reconsider your own point of view on some drugs (again, this depends on what 'pills' or other drugs he's doing), as alcohol is a drug too.

LegacyUser

Ive mentioned it. I suggested it might be something we'ed need to discuss and reach a compromise over in due course. I dont want to be going out with an overgrown 18 year old.

liah

I don't see what being an 'overgrown 18 year old' has to do with it. I see people in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, etc. out drinking all the time. What's the difference? Does he act like an 18 year old all the time?

Drug taking is a part of his life but it doesn't define him, or at least I'd imagine it doesn't if you were interested in him in the first place and you yourself claim you really like him. If you really like him, and so far his drug-taking hasn't impacted you negatively (you haven't really said if it has or not or what drugs he's doing), what is there to complain about?

Canluum

You don't need a reason to not get involved, but regular abuse of a class A controlled drug is certainly a good one, especially since you clearly have a problem with it.

Don't try to change him, only he really can if he wants to, and he'll resent you for trying.

Fair play to you for being sensible/mature about this... too many women self-sabotage by rationalising such utter red flags.

LegacyUser

Liah to answer your questions. I know he takes ecstasy, coke, mdma, lsd, stuff from headshops. What I gather from that is that he will take whatever he's offered.

I want to be with a responsible adult, I dont see this as responsible or adult behaviour.

I dont condone drinking benders either but I recognise that on occassion there will be over-indulgence, this is why when I met him I was happy to overlook some infrequent drug taking. If its something I have to overlook a few times a month I see that as being a problem.

LegacyUser

OP, get out now.

These are major red flags and as Canluum mentioned, so many women ignore these red flags just to be in a relationship.

You are absolutely correct that this is NOT mature adult behaviour.

Unless you want to spend your life babysitting him as he comes down from trips and watching your money get shoved up his nose, bail - NOW.

Darlughda

hesitant wrote: »

I know he takes ecstasy, coke, mdma, lsd, stuff from headshops.

No, he doesn't.
It has not been possible to get any of that stuff from Headshops for quite some time now. Was it last April or May that they were suddenly banned from selling?

28064212

Darlughda wrote: »

No, he doesn't.
It has not been possible to get any of that stuff from Headshops for quite some time now. Was it last April or May that they were suddenly banned from selling?

I assume it was a list of different stuff he takes, not that they all came from headshops

hesitant wrote: »

Liah to answer your questions. I know he takes ecstasy, coke, mdma, lsd, stuff from headshops. What I gather from that is that he will take whatever he's offered.

I want to be with a responsible adult, I dont see this as responsible or adult behaviour.

I dont condone drinking benders either but I recognise that on occassion there will be over-indulgence, this is why when I met him I was happy to overlook some infrequent drug taking. If its something I have to overlook a few times a month I see that as being a problem.

If it's causing problems, then it's a problem. If it's not, it's not. It really is that simple. You don't seem to have a problem with the legal aspect, so it's the same as any other hobby/recreation.

If he was playing videogames for a few hours a week as a form of recreation, no problem. If he's spending days at a time on it expecting you to feed him and take care of him or abandoning you to do it, huge problem.

LegacyUser

its a list of some of the things he has mentioned taking since I met him.

He has mentioned blacking out for 24 hours at a time, He goes to parties that last the entire weekend. Considering Im not interested in joining him at these parties, Id see that as a negative effect on the relationship if it were to progress.

I havnt lived in a box my whole life. Ive chosen for my own reasons not to be around class A drugs. Wouldnt it be slightly hypocritical of me to accept that from a partner? I dont think I should be attacked for having certain opinions.

LegacyUser

Just a personal perspective on this from a guy. Used to do a fair bit of "dabbling" in my early 20's that became less frequent as I approached my thirties until eventually was more the occasional smoke and sometimes but only for a big event, i.e festival, friends 30th etc maybe pills/coke, but this was becoming rarer as all my mates were also growing up.

Meet a girl toward the tail end of this who while not anti drugs would not in any shape or form have come from a similar background and none of her friends/family would have done anything more than maybe a drag on a joint at a party in their teens if that.

Anyway she really liked me, and I think at first was a bit fascinated when I told her quite openly that from time to time I'd partaken, maybe because I didn't match any stereotypes she'd previously held or first hand experiences with the worst of it (she was a nurse).

So basically it didn't affect my behaviour toward her, no cancelled or late arrivals on my part from anything we arranged, never remotely interfered with us or a very successful career I have, and was becoming rarer.

In the end as we got more serious it went from infrequent to never, at least with class A's. Don't think it was even a concious decision although she did say when we started getting more serious that she wouldn't want me to take any class A's again. Wasn't an ultimatium though which was a good thing, instead she was just worried about my health.

Ultimatum's can do more harm than good, especially when it's for something that seems more a concern at the moment than something that is seriously affecting what otherwise sounds like the start of something really good.

I still take the occasional drag on a joint at a party but nothing more. To be honest it was something that was going to happen anyway, that is parties/events where I might take something were becoming less and less common, think meeting the girl I ended up engaged to just speeded it up a bit.

What I'm saying OP is you say you are both 30 and it's time he grew up. There's no magic line you cross where you suddenly become grown up, and each person arrives there in their own time at their own pace. Believe it or not when you look back in years to come you'll probably think you were still relatively speaking quite young and there was plenty of growing room left. I was 35 when I met my fiancee.

You've only started seeing him. Ok so it's a concern, that's fair enough. You obviously like him enough that you've gone past (at least in your head) the dating to seeing him more as a potential partner going forward so it's only natural for you to worry about something that could potentially impact on that.

Is it affecting your relationship to date? Is he using any of the mentioned while with you knowing how you feel? Cancelling plans to go partying with his mates instead? If you've gone from just dating to his girlfriend then that is a problem.

If none of the above is happening however, at this early stage I think it might be a bit premature to pull the plug. I'd ignore the usual "dump him/get out now" brigade. Seems to be a lot of coloured opinion on this forum.

If he's still in party mode say another 4 months down the line and you think it's having a negative affect on your relationship then...., maybe it's time for you to reconsider.

If it is worrying you now, maybe talk with him. I'd be wary of the whole drugs or me argument. If my fiancee had said something like that when we first started seeing each other I'd have been at the very least seriously p*ssed off, not because drugs had any particular importance in my life, but by what I would have seen as an attempt to control me.

At this early stage in a relationship any perception right or wrong of the other trying to impose their will on you is more than enough to finish things.

best of luck

LegacyUser

Darlughda wrote: »

No, he doesn't.
It has not been possible to get any of that stuff from Headshops for quite some time now. Was it last April or May that they were suddenly banned from selling?

To say that he isn't still taking the stuff that you could get from headshops a year ago is a wee bit naive TBH....

All my mates do that stuff and it's as simple as ordering it online, my mates do it all the time....

Mephadrone is widely available in this country and is in some ways worse than mdma and pills, it has made a few of my mates extremely paranoid and behave in ways that the usual suspects don't

I gave up taking all class A drugs about a year ago because they had a really bad effect on me. It wasn't completely obvious to me at the time but certain events and occurrences lead me to believe that it was the drugs making me act that way. Since i have stopped I am a different person.

That's not to say they don't affect people differently, i'm sure some people can do it and live relatively normal lives, but with the scene/lifestyle comes after parties and all-night benders. And if you're in a situation where you are trying to have a relationship with someone involved in that lifestyle and you're not it too it will eventually drive a stake between you....

I'm 30yo btw, and have been taking various substances since i was 14 and personally speaking if i could go back and change it I would definitely choose a different path.

good luck OP

liah

Sorry if you feel I was attacking you, OP. My questions were genuine and I was simply trying to be as objective as possible about the situation. My intent was certainly not to be attacking. Just wanted to find out more so I could produce more solid advice.

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

He sounds more than just an occasional user. I would be very wary if I were you.

The likes of coke and the rest of the white drugs are very addictive. It's not just the nights and days spent high and the mornings and days spent recovering that are a concern.

It's that all other good things in life get neglected in the pursuance of being high. Holidays, plans, hobbies, friends....it all gets very restrictive.

If he is well into his party lifestyle and shows no sign of growing out of it then it might be less painful to move on now rather than later.

BTW most drug users will minimise their use. It tends to be worse than people admit, even to themselves.

wildlifeman

I think most people who dabble in their 20's early 30's wind this behaviour down automatically as it can become tedious. in my own circle the people that were fiends have calmed down a lot and some have stopped completely. there is always going to be the one or two who cant/wont give them up. I would give it a bit of time and see how it impacts your relationship if at all. you dont really get to know someone really well until at least 6 months so give it that. as a previous poster said so eloquently his relationship would have ended up in the jacks if his new partner had taken a hard stance on drugs. you could be leaving a potentially great relationship and OP please dont listen to the nanny stateesque responces from people who dont have a breeze what they are on about.

28064212

hesitant wrote: »

its a list of some of the things he has mentioned taking since I met him.

He has mentioned blacking out for 24 hours at a time, He goes to parties that last the entire weekend. Considering Im not interested in joining him at these parties, Id see that as a negative effect on the relationship if it were to progress.

I havnt lived in a box my whole life. Ive chosen for my own reasons not to be around class A drugs. Wouldnt it be slightly hypocritical of me to accept that from a partner? I dont think I should be attacked for having certain opinions.

Fine, but you haven't given any reasons for that. You've just said "My boyfriend does X, should I break up with him?", where X could be anything, drink, drugs, videogames, sport.

Peanut2011

liah wrote: »

Essentially what this comes down to is if he's a 'smart' drug taker or a stupid drug taker.

I'm sorry but this quote is a complete bull. There is no such thing as a 'smart' drug taking.

OP, unless you can live with it for the rest of your life, i suggest you get out now. It's as simple as that.

28064212

Peanut2011 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this quote is a complete bull. There is no such thing as a 'smart' drug taking.

That's absurd. Aside from the obvious one of the millions of people who take alcohol in a smart manner, a large section of the population have gone through at least one illegal drug-taking phase

sbsquarepants

Peanut2011 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this quote is a complete bull. There is no such thing as a 'smart' drug taking.

OP, unless you can live with it for the rest of your life, i suggest you get out now. It's as simple as that.

This is absolute nonsense. We all know peolpe who can go for a quite pint or two and come home, and then we all know people who become alcohol dependent and ruin their lives. That is everyday proof of what liah said about smart and stupid drug use. The fact that somebody takes "drugs" is hardly a reason to break up with them, we all take drugs unless you live in some sort of hermeticaly sealed bubble!
If he has a drug problem, then thats a different kettle of fish. Speaking from my own experience, i've always taken drugs of all descriptions, gradually less and less as i get older and have more responsibilities/bills, i wouldn't think bad of anyone for doing that, in fact i can't understand why more people don't! I'd be more turned off if someone was a smoker than an occasional pill popper, or done the odd line of coke here or there!!

liah

Peanut2011 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this quote is a complete bull. There is no such thing as a 'smart' drug taking.

OP, unless you can live with it for the rest of your life, i suggest you get out now. It's as simple as that.

Yes, there is. It's called taking it in moderation. If you think people can be responsible with alcohol, then they can be responsible with other class A drugs. Saying anything else is sheer hypocrisy and uneducated anti-drug propaganda. Some people are more affected, some are less, but it is possible to be smart about drug use as evidenced by the millions drinking alcohol.

OP, again, if it is interfering with your relationship I suggest ending it, but if it isn't and he's still a lovely person whenever he's around you I see absolutely no reason to break up with him just for having a bit of craic tbh.

Have you even talked to him about it?

Cheeky_gal

Walk OP walk!

Drugs seriously change people, short term and long term, get rid!

OP he has an overriding hobby/interest that you do not share. Plus it's illegal.

I'd say you're better off parting ways now

LegacyUser

<snip>

He's not a piece of garbage that you "get rid" of as you so eloquently put it, he's a person that from what the OP has described is someone she obviously likes a lot, which would generally mean he's a nice enough guy who has done nothing wrong by her.

It's his lifestyle that concerns the OP, not him! Surprised any relationships last more than a week judging by half the advice on this forum.

Anyway OP, the line above sums it up in a nutshell. From what you say he's not a bad person, he's someone you really like and could potentially see a future with.

However you do have a problem with his lifestyle. Fair enough, everyone has their own views on how to live but you have to remember that's your view. At such an early stage in a relationship it's totally unfair to impose your views on someone else. You said yourself you knew he did "party" to an extent before you started seeing him, you just didn't realise to what extent.

But...., maybe you should ask him (depending obviously on how long exactly you've been going out, a week em no) how he sees you, does he see you as a girlfriend etc?

If the answer is yes and he see's something more serious developing between you then I think at that point you're entitled to be honest and just tell him that you can't commit to a more serious relationship if he's going to be having blackouts every few weeks and party like he's still in college. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum, but you will communicate to him that ultimately this is going nowhere and choices will eventually have to be made on both your parts.

Again best of luck

Ickle Magoo

The purpose of this forum is for the OP to get advice from everyone and decide for themselves which advice is worth paying heed to or ignoring.

Could posters kindly refrain from judging the advice offered by others, insulting other posters and just offer their advice so as not to flame other posters and drag the thread off-topic.

Many thanks.

tbh

same answer as I always give in these situations, OP. He doesn't have to stop, you don't have to accept it.
It doesn't matter what it is he's doing that you don't like - taking drugs, making racist remarks, drinking tea, smoking fags.
You don't have the right to force him to stop, but neither should you feel like you have to accept it.
You could sit him down and tell him it's a dealbreaker for you. You're not judging him, you're just telling him what you're looking for in a relationship. If he doesn't want to give you what you want, well then you know where you are.
Can't believe people telling you to either get over it or run a mile. You do what you think is right for you. Sounds like your mind is made up - so just get on with it.