Parents cant agree on where child sleeps

LegacyUser

Hoping to get some views from parents on this matter.

We have one child who will be 4 later this year. I have suggested to my wife that the baby should sleep in her own room. I suggested this a few times since the child was about 1. My wife got a bed for the child and placed it ajoined to our bed.

One reason I wish for the child to be in her own room is to start to become a little independant. Also I think it is not ideal for the couple or the child.She is a good kid and very bright but I think it would be good for her to begin getting her own room; sometimes she will not respond to people except the partents and when we are both around i've noticed she sometimes doesn't respond/answer to me only her mum.

When I suggest to my wife to discuss the process of moving the child to her own room, she basically does not want a disscusion and believes the child should go to her own room when the child is ready.

The only was I see us beginning to move the child is if we both agree and I'm sure it may take some time etc, but i just dont know what way to deal with this.

Moonbeam

Just to clarify this child is 4 years old ?
If so she is definitely too old to be still in your room if there is space in the other room for her.

Ickle Magoo

Would she be open to having a discussion on why she thinks a four year old isn't ready for their own room? And perhaps explore her own reticence to make that move away from baby in crib to child in own room?

It's unreasonable to have a child in your room indefinitely, what if the child never wants to move out? Is she okay with that?

LegacyUser

OP here.
The child is not yet 4 but will be later this year.
My wife still nurses the child to sleep each night and wants to continue breastfeeding untill the child wants to stop.

We managed a little discussion on the matter, my wife is alittle sensitive around the subject, and her view is that its natural for the child to sleep in same room as parents. Obviosly I dont have the same opinion.

metrovelvet

Not being funny or anything here but is she maybe using the child to avoid other issues if you know what I mean?

wolfpawnat

Ye need your space as a couple and it is not healthy for your child to be in the room with ye at this stage, she needs her own space!

When she goes to school and tells them she has her own bed in mummy and daddy's room, she will be laughed at, children will tell their parents and they will laugh too! Your family will be a laughing stock. I am sorry if that sounds cruel but it is true. My son is 2 on Thursday and though it will mean I get a couch for a bed, he is getting a room to himself because that is what is healthy.

What makes your wife want to keep her there? It seems irrational, she may need to talk to someone about why she cannot let her daughter have her own space!

wolfpawnat

Also breastfeeding at 3 and a half, I think your wife needs to talk to a professional with regards to attachment issues. Your child is a bit too old for that now and she needs to be treated like a growing child and not a small infant!

Das Kitty

Just to give a counter argument here. Having a family bed works for some families. They all share their bed / room until the child feels ready to leave. The same with breastfeeding, a lot of people feed until the child self-weans.

Now notice that I said it works for these families, in that, everyone in the family is happy with it.

The main issue here OP is that you and your wife are having communication problems. The only way to resolve this is through honest conversation from both parties. You need to talk through each point of view and be in one another's shoes.

If you wade in with armfuls of research and fears of the child being bullied at school you will only alienate her more.

Whatever about it not being healthy for the child, it's not healthy for your relationship to be in disagreement and not communicating.

Best of luck OP.

Rodin

Has to be a wind-up

Breast feeding at 3 1/2 and keeping the child in the parents room?

Wind-up

Rodin

I think a few more people need to have a chat on views on child rearing before partaking in conception

Das Kitty

Rodin wrote: »

Has to be a wind-up

Breast feeding at 3 1/2 and keeping the child in the parents room?

Wind-up

Rodin - If you have a problem with a post, report it. Do not drag a thread off topic.

wolfpawnat

Rodin wrote: »

I think a few more people need to have a chat on views on child rearing before partaking in conception

How is that helpful to the OP? There are several child rearing methods. Whatever one family chooses is not wrong as long as a child is not in harms way. It is when parents disagree, there is a problem!

cynder

My lady slept with me until she was turning 6. I breast fed her till she was 2 and a half and she would not leave my bed. Many families play bed hopping but few will admit it. my hubby took to sleeping in the spare room, i would go in there sometimes but would always have to return to my own bed. At one point i had a newborn and my 5 year old in bed with me. She left my bed when me moved into our own house, she was 1 month from turning 6.

My young lad is now 4 and sometimes i still have to go into his room to sleep with him, my middle boy slept in his own room at 6 months.

I was scared having my eldest lady in her own room i felt that she was in danger and that if there was a fire i couldn't get to her. She hated been in her own room and would not go to sleep unless i was with her. When we moved house she slept in her own room the very first night and stayed there.

I know a good few parents who co sleep with their kids, in one case its the dad that has to sleep with their 5 year old son and he goes to school, it doesnt bother the dad or the mom. If you talk to the public health nurse she will tell you its more common than you think.

Dades

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Also breastfeeding at 3 and a half, I think your wife needs to talk to a professional with regards to attachment issues. Your child is a bit too old for that now and she needs to be treated like a growing child and not a small infant!

I agree with this.

What is going on now (feeding and sleeping) is not because the child needs it, but because the mother needs it.

Children need to be coaxed into lots of things to help them grow up. Letting go of bottles, soothers, moving out of nappies etc. They frequently need adults to make those decisions for them, and help them through the transitions between infant, baby, toddler, child and so on.

Retail Hell

Routine Routine Routine, your the parents you set the routine,and the child adapts to it, by 4 or almost 4, the kid should be settled into there own room at a particular time every night, a night time story by a parent and get them to settle teh child. I'm hoping the kid sleeps through the night already.

madmac187

It is kinda wrong, breast feeding till that age and especially keeping the kid in the same bed as ye at that age, if you don't mind me asking, how do you have sex then?

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thanks to those for the constructive opinions.
We do have sex, just wait untill the child is in playschool or go to the spare room if the child is in bed.

The child is a good sleeper once she falls asleep, I would tend to agree with the posters that think its time for the child to move to her own room.

The problem for me is my wife has a different opinion and at this moment in time is determined to continue until the child decides to move. As one previous poster said sometimes children have to be coaxed at different stages, I believe that myself. My gut feeling is there is no sign of the child volunteering herself to move so I don't see anything changing in the near future.

wolfpawnat

Why can't parents get their children into routines. Having other parents sleeping in different rooms because there is children in their bed is madness!

Children need their own space, just to have some sanity like us adults.

Bringing a bed to your room and placing it next to yours is absolutely mad, especially when one parent is not happy!

Ayla

Das Kitty wrote: »

Just to give a counter argument here. Having a family bed works for some families. They all share their bed / room until the child feels ready to leave. The same with breastfeeding, a lot of people feed until the child self-weans.

Now notice that I said it works for these families, in that, everyone in the family is happy with it.

The main issue here OP is that you and your wife are having communication problems. The only way to resolve this is through honest conversation from both parties. You need to talk through each point of view and be in one another's shoes.

If you wade in with armfuls of research and fears of the child being bullied at school you will only alienate her more.

Whatever about it not being healthy for the child, it's not healthy for your relationship to be in disagreement and not communicating.

Best of luck OP.

Geez, everyone got really touchy about this! Although I agree that parents & child all need their space, what works for one family doesn't always work for everyone. Sleeping in the same room and/or breastfeeding at 3 isn't the worst thing a parent could be doing to their child!

That said, OP I competely agree with Das Kitty here - you need to talk to your wife about all this. Openly and honestly. Get to the route of the issue (if there is one). You are, after all, just as much a part of the family as your wife & child, and if you're unhappy then it'll affect the family as a whole.

cynder

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Why can't parents get their children into routines. Having other parents sleeping in different rooms because there is children in their bed is madness!

!

You cant read a book and apply everything it says, one thing will work for one family it wont for the next.


To hell with routine, every day in our house is different, the only thing that stays the same is school and work. Just because 'nanny 911' says routine is great doesn't mean it works for everyone.

Kids are individuals every child is different, my boy is 4 and he still has a bottle here and there sometimes twice a day, because he needs is, Ive been told to keep on giving him the bottle as it settles him (by his early intervention team). To hell with what the PHN says she isn't here when he needs one.

You cant live life to others expectations, do what feels right yourself. Years ago many families slept in the same room, it was normal, my mother shared a bed with her 2 older sisters until she was 18. We have the luxury these days of having 3 and 4+ bed houses years ago they were lucky to have a 1 bed roomed hut yet still managed to have more kids.

Ayla

grindelwald wrote: »

Years ago many families slept in the same room, it was normal, my mother shared a bed with her 2 older sisters until she was 18. We have the luxury these days of having 3 and 4+ bed houses years ago they were lucky to have a 1 bed roomed hut yet still managed to have more kids.

So true, and a good point - just think of all those people throughout the world who never have their own room!

metrovelvet

A lot of kids grew up in boarding schools where they had to share with lots of other kids.

I dont know whats with the one size fits all parenting models. We are not communists. Kids are individuals and families have their own systems, its just here you have two parents with a clashing perspective.

Fittle

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Y
When she goes to school and tells them she has her own bed in mummy and daddy's room, she will be laughed at, children will tell their parents and they will laugh too! Your family will be a laughing stock. I am sorry if that sounds cruel but it is true.

Slight hysteria there wolfpawnat??

I know many parents who's kids still sleep in their beds at this age - or come into their room during the night.... and I don't know anybody who laughs at them:rolleyes:

We all have our routines as others have said - in fact, dare I say it....I still let my 8yr old sleep in my bed if he's unwell or just having an 'off' night the odd time. A child won't be scarred for life for snuggling into it's mam or dad during the night.

I agree that the problem here is that you can't communicate your thoughts to your wife OP - you need to have a chat with her and perhaps come up with some type of compromise?

liliq

I might be a bit off asking this- but has the child stated a preference as to where she would like to sleep? Is there a bed in her room that she could go to if she would like to?
Or has she said she would rather stay in the room with parents?

First thing that sprang to mind was maybe a compromise to ease into the transition- midweek in her own room, and maybe weekends in mum and dads room- but I think that might make it glaringly obvious I'm not a mum yet! That might disrupt everyone completely!

I suppose what I mean to say is that I agree with the few posters here who have said that every family is different- but that everyone has to be happy with whatever arrangements you have as well!
It seems to me, OP, that the big challenge for you is coming up with an approach to the situation that 1. changes the situation to one where everyone is happy, and 2. trying to make it not feel like too much of a change for mum! Not an easy task.
Good luck anyway!

I really shouldn't keep posting in the parenting forum, as I'm not a parent, but to me the first step seems clear:
Don't try to get your wife to separate herself from her child at night. It's not really something you can rationalise in one conversation. Instead, just suggest that you'd like to set up the spare room as a bedroom, for if and when the child is ready. You could even use the excuse of it's extra space for toys, or you think it could be something fun to do, that's all.

Kids question the world around them, but a child whose only bed is in their parents room, who has only ever slept with their parents and has never been encouraged to do otherwise, will not just turn around one day and say "I think I'm ready to move into the spare room and make it my bedroom". Without peer pressure from friends or even the existence of a different option, there's a chance you could raise a child to the age of puberty before they look for independence. I definitely think the first thing to do is at least create that other option, so that the child might start asking: "why don't I sleep in my bedroom?"/"can I sleep in the other bed tonight?".

If you build it, they will come!

goingforward

70% of the world co-sleep it actually helps the child become more confident and less insecure. In some socities forcing a child to sleep alone would be seen as cruelty you wouldn't separate a mother cat from her kittens at night time so why do it to you children. For more information I would highly recommend you read the book, 3 in a Bed by Deborah Jackson.

Extended breastfeeding (after 2 years) is becoming a lot more popular in Ireland and I know many people who choose to breastfeed for longer periods than are currently thought "normal" in this country. A child's natural weaning age is thought to be between 2.5 and 7 years (most will wean towards the older end of the spectrum). Why do you think they are called milk teeth? I would highly recommend the book Breastfeeding older children by Anne Sinnot for more information.

It sounds like your wife is doing a great job and she and your daughter will be much healthier because of it and your child will be smarter and more confident.

wolfpawnat

true-or-false wrote: »

I really shouldn't keep posting in the parenting forum, as I'm not a parent, but to me the first step seems clear:
Don't try to get your wife to separate herself from her child at night. It's not really something you can rationalise in one conversation. Instead, just suggest that you'd like to set up the spare room as a bedroom, for if and when the child is ready. You could even use the excuse of it's extra space for toys, or you think it could be something fun to do, that's all.

Kids question the world around them, but a child whose only bed is in their parents room, who has only ever slept with their parents and has never been encouraged to do otherwise, will not just turn around one day and say "I think I'm ready to move into the spare room and make it my bedroom". Without peer pressure from friends or even the existence of a different option, there's a chance you could raise a child to the age of puberty before they look for independence. I definitely think the first thing to do is at least create that other option, so that the child might start asking: "why don't I sleep in my bedroom?"/"can I sleep in the other bed tonight?".

If you build it, they will come!

This is a great idea. Start getting all these things for her own room, her favourite Disney stuff as lamps and what not, kit it out, and let her have her say. By getting her to have her say you are enticing her out of your room, but not bribing her, which will make her more happy to leave. If you were to say "if you go into your own room I'll get you this this and this" then it is not fair and it will cause bigger problems. But if you do all the work she may be more will.

And as regards the child being smarter, could you back that up please, I cannot see how that could be and believe that if it was the best for the child the WHO would have it as recommended practise. One doctor every so often can buck a trend but it doesn't make them right.

iguana

grindelwald wrote: »

Years ago many families slept in the same room, it was normal, my mother shared a bed with her 2 older sisters until she was 18. We have the luxury these days of having 3 and 4+ bed houses years ago they were lucky to have a 1 bed roomed hut yet still managed to have more kids.

Indeed, I shared a room with my parents until I was 3 and a half as that was the only bedroom we had. My brother also shared with us for the last 6 months we lived there. There were plenty of other families in the same complex of 1-bed apartments and I wasn't the youngest child.

Morag

I would be getting a copy of the argos cataloge and leaving the pages of the kids room open. Or a trip to Ikea with your daughther to wander around the section done up likes a kids room. There is also the buying of a dolls house, which has the parents room and the kids room.

Co sleeping and family bed works for some people but it has to be an agreement and a choice. Kids don't know there is a choice or any difference unless we teach them.

LegacyUser

OP here again.
Thanks for all your replies, there were some really good suggestions we may be able to use.
In reply, my wife has done a great job with the child. She is a strong believer in benefits of breast feeding and I have to say I agree it is natural and the best start for any child.

One issue I now have is the child is showing signs of trauma from detachment from her parents. One example when were all together the child tends to want to stay close to her mum u=instead of dad and doesn't respond to my questions or comments.

Another example is in a activity group she is part of for about 2 years, she has began to insist on staying in parents arms and not joinging the other children who are content to join in the activites with the instuctors. The child would know the instuctors from seeing them every week, but has cried a couple of times when being left without her parents.

wolfpawnat

Fittle wrote: »

Slight hysteria there wolfpawnat??

I know many parents who's kids still sleep in their beds at this age - or come into their room during the night.... and I don't know anybody who laughs at them:rolleyes:

We all have our routines as others have said - in fact, dare I say it....I still let my 8yr old sleep in my bed if he's unwell or just having an 'off' night the odd time. A child won't be scarred for life for snuggling into it's mam or dad during the night.

I agree that the problem here is that you can't communicate your thoughts to your wife OP - you need to have a chat with her and perhaps come up with some type of compromise?

It is not hysteria, it is fact, kids pick on one another, and though many sleep in with mummy and daddy some times, not many kids have their own bed in their parents room when there is more than one bedroom available. Many people make comment on how I am in a room with my soon to be 2 year old, as a result I will be taking the couch. Not because people made comment, but it is just time to give him space!

I am not saying a child who is sick/scared or just plain in a snuggly mood is a bad thing, I hope I will have snuggly nights with my fella every so often, but when a child is living in your room 24/7 when one parent is not happy with the arrangement is a different story.

Retail Hell

whatcanido wrote: »

OP here.
Thanks to those for the constructive opinions.
We do have sex, just wait untill the child is in playschool or go to the spare room if the child is in bed.

The child is a good sleeper once she falls asleep, I would tend to agree with the posters that think its time for the child to move to her own room.

The problem for me is my wife has a different opinion and at this moment in time is determined to continue until the child decides to move. As one previous poster said sometimes children have to be coaxed at different stages, I believe that myself. My gut feeling is there is no sign of the child volunteering herself to move so I don't see anything changing in the near future.

Time for the tail to stop wagging the dog

ArtSmart

The issue here is the difference in opinions as much as the issue itself.

i'm assuming this is the first child, hence the difficulty in separation


it may be true that different approaches work for different families, but here there is clear disagreement between husband and wife.

is it possible to bring another positive voice into the equation to offer perspective to your wife - a sister/ mother/ female friend? and for you other fathers?

the unwillingness of your wife to discuss the matter, as i'm picking up, is really the issue and a trusted peer or person giving their views/ experience may offer the best solution.

re: your concern for the welfare of the child, i'd say you've nothing to worry about on that score - i know of no study which indicates that this situation would have a detrimental effect on a child of that age or a year older.

Re: the child deciding to move themselves - unlikely, as she'll take her cues, both overt and covert, from her mother .

ETA. above all move gently, give yourself a 6 months time frame (which isnt set in stone), be clear and consistent in how you approach this and bare in mind - the current situation will have no major detrimental effect on the child, so you have time to resolve the prob

wolfpawnat

whatcanido wrote: »

OP here again.
Thanks for all your replies, there were some really good suggestions we may be able to use.
In reply, my wife has done a great job with the child. She is a strong believer in benefits of breast feeding and I have to say I agree it is natural and the best start for any child.

One issue I now have is the child is showing signs of trauma from detachment from her parents. One example when were all together the child tends to want to stay close to her mum u=instead of dad and doesn't respond to my questions or comments.

Another example is in a activity group she is part of for about 2 years, she has began to insist on staying in parents arms and not joinging the other children who are content to join in the activites with the instuctors. The child would know the instuctors from seeing them every week, but has cried a couple of times when being left without her parents.

It is a side effect of this method of child rearing, and your wife (though I have no doubt she is doing it with love) is not helping because she makes sure to keep your daughter in her arms because she doesn't want her crying (what good parent wants to have their child crying). May I suggest a close friend/family member who has children to come to a neutral venue with ye and when she starts to cry, do not give in, since it is a friend/family you do not need to feel embarrassed then. She will learn that she cannot always get what she wants and you and mummy can go to these events and she won't stay in your arms

Mothman

I'm flying in the face of most opinion here, but for me goingforward has summed it up nicely in post 26

We as a family have a family bed, daughter breastfed and stayed in the bed till she was well into 7th year. She did have her own room and when she decided to quit BF and move out she went and slept outside for a week!! She had been clingy a lot during her first 6 years but now she is extremely independent and confident. She is also shy, just taking after her dad;) but she is dealing with this way better than I ever did. The breastfeeding in latter years is for comfort rather than for nutrition.

My son of 5 is still in bed. He also has own room and has slept in it a few times, but he's not ready yet to move out full time.

So as a parenting method, I don't see any issue and for me I am seeing the fruits of what we did and it was right for us.

I never believed for a moment, both from what I read or my own common sense that they would stay in bed indefinitely. About the age of 7 was my expectation and this is what has come to pass.

OP, I see an issue of a difference of expectations between yourself and your wife and I feel it is something that you both need to discuss so that you can each try to understand each others thoughts.

CiaranC

Mothman wrote: »

We as a family have a family bed, daughter breastfed and stayed in the bed till she was well into 7th year.

Wow.

goingforward

wolfpawnat wrote: »

And as regards the child being smarter, could you back that up please, I cannot see how that could be and believe that if it was the best for the child the WHO would have it as recommended practise. One doctor every so often can buck a trend but it doesn't make them right.

The WHO recommend breastfeeding (along with other food) until at least 2 years of age and beyond.

http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/


The intellectual advantage gained from breastfeeding is greater the longer the baby is breastfed.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/2/t020200.asp

Children 'should sleep with parents until they're five
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1083020.ece

Penny Dreadful

goingforward wrote: »

The WHO recommend breastfeeding (along with other food) until at least 2 years of age and beyond.

http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/


The intellectual advantage gained from breastfeeding is greater the longer the baby is breastfed.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/2/t020200.asp

Children 'should sleep with parents until they're five
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1083020.ece

Not one of my siblings or myself were breast fed and we are all very intelligent and did excellently at school and university. We are all strong minded individual people who were not at all clingy with my parents and we slept in our own bedrooms from the minute we came home from hospital after birth. I know many many families that did the above too and their children are in no way lacking because they weren't breast fed and slept on their own from the word go.

Different things work for different people and for some it is working out well to have their children with them for a long time. However, as others have said, both parents need to be in agreement as to their parenting techniques and methods and the OP and his wife obviously aren't, that seems to be the problem more so than extended breast feeding and extended co sleeping.

goingforward

whatcanido wrote: »

OP here again.
Thanks for all your replies, there were some really good suggestions we may be able to use.
In reply, my wife has done a great job with the child. She is a strong believer in benefits of breast feeding and I have to say I agree it is natural and the best start for any child.

One issue I now have is the child is showing signs of trauma from detachment from her parents. One example when were all together the child tends to want to stay close to her mum u=instead of dad and doesn't respond to my questions or comments.

Another example is in a activity group she is part of for about 2 years, she has began to insist on staying in parents arms and not joinging the other children who are content to join in the activites with the instuctors. The child would know the instuctors from seeing them every week, but has cried a couple of times when being left without her parents.

OP this sounds perfectly normal to me. Your daughter is still very young and small. The world can seem very big and frightening at this age.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/jane_mcconnell.html

Some fear that attachment parenting will create dependent, clingy children. Attachment proponents claim the opposite is true: "Attached children may be dependent longer, but because the dependency phase is completely fulfilled, the child can grow into an independent, secure adult," Aldort says. Further, proponents argue that each developmental stage, such as toilet learning, or weaning from the breast or bed, will be naturally achieved when the child is ready, and not according to an arbitrary, culturally determined timetable.

From my own experience my first son came into our bed every night until he was about 4.5 years and then he just stopped. He still sleeps in the same room as us but will move soon to his own room. I expect he will come back occassionally if he's scared or sick etc. He was also very shy and clingy and refused to go to pre school. We didn't push it and he started school at 5 with very little bother and loves it. His teacher told me he's very enthausiatic about joining in with everything and she thinks he's a great kid. I'm sure our parenting helped him develop his confidence and independance whch is also hugely age related.

There are many books on the subject backed up by numerous studies.

cynder

whatcanido wrote: »

OP here again.
Thanks for all your replies, there were some really good suggestions we may be able to use.
In reply, my wife has done a great job with the child. She is a strong believer in benefits of breast feeding and I have to say I agree it is natural and the best start for any child.

One issue I now have is the child is showing signs of trauma from detachment from her parents. One example when were all together the child tends to want to stay close to her mum u=instead of dad and doesn't respond to my questions or comments.

Another example is in a activity group she is part of for about 2 years, she has began to insist on staying in parents arms and not joinging the other children who are content to join in the activites with the instuctors. The child would know the instuctors from seeing them every week, but has cried a couple of times when being left without her parents.

Is there a bit of jealousy going on, or do do feel resentful of the mother and child bond?

I see the above a normal (in my house anyway). Many children do have a closer bond with their moms and sometimes a dad has to work a little harder at building a their own bond with the child.

I would suggest you try a bit of father and daughter time with out mom being around. Cinema, shopping, indoor or out door play area, walk in the forest ect.

I know all my kids cried every time i left the house without them it was heart breaking, but now i can leave and i get a wave good bye (no tears).

How Strange

There was a thread recently about conforming to the norms in terms of parenting and how parents who ignore the norms are criticised. I think there's a bit of this going on here.

I agree with Das Kitty that the nub of the problem seems to be a lack of communication with op and his wife. They aren't on the same page as regards parenting their child.

I don't think co sleeping at 4 or breastfeeding will have any adverse effects on the child. She will stop both when she decides and that will probably coincide with starting school. I've seen kids of very protective and nervous parents who cried if you said boo to them and they all turned out to be fantastic older kids/adults.

I was ferociously clingly to my mam as a child. If she went anywhere I'd cry til she came home even if that was the next day. I think most of my family would consider me very independent and self reliant now as an adult.

The op clearly resents his wifes parenting style which is understandable as she's going solo on it and not involving him. That's what they need to thrash out but I personally don't believe what she's will have long term effects emotionally or otherwise on the child.

amiable

Hi OP, I'd imagine your partner doesn't seem to have a timeframe to move your child out
of the room which in itself seems to be a problem.
What is your hunch on her feelings OP as to why she won't move your child out of the room?
Sometimes deep down we know ourselves why our partner does things imo.
I can't offer any brilliant radical advice only i do think you need to talk to your partner somehow.
You do need to engage her someway.
Good Luck OP

Penny Dreadful

grindelwald wrote: »

Is there a bit of jealousy going on, or do do feel resentful of the mother and child bond?

I see the above a normal (in my house anyway). Many children do have a closer bond with their moms and sometimes a dad has to work a little harder at building a their own bond with the child.

I would suggest you try a bit of father and daughter time with out mom being around. Cinema, shopping, indoor or out door play area, walk in the forest ect.

I know all my kids cried every time i left the house without them it was heart breaking, but now i can leave and i get a wave good bye (no tears).

Really? See I think that (and I am not being judgemental about you as a parent so please don't get the wrong end of the stick here) kind of behaviour from children would be worrying. It would tell me that they hadn't learned to deal with their separation anxiety and understood that you will be coming back. Its one thing for a young child (i.e. a young toddler/wobbler) to fear that when you go you won't be back but that should end pretty quickly I would have though.
To me, if co sleeping created and fueled such a fear it would be reason enough to stop it. It would also seem to contradict the supposed confidence boot of co sleeping past infanthood.

goingforward

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Really? See I think that (and I am not being judgemental about you as a parent so please don't get the wrong end of the stick here) kind of behaviour from children would be worrying. It would tell me that they hadn't learned to deal with their separation anxiety and understood that you will be coming back. Its one thing for a young child (i.e. a young toddler/wobbler) to fear that when you go you won't be back but that should end pretty quickly I would have though.
To me, if co sleeping created and fueled such a fear it would be reason enough to stop it. It would also seem to contradict the supposed confidence boot of co sleeping past infanthood.

I'm sorry but I completely disagree.

Co-sleeping does not create fear it reassures children that they are safe and loved during the night which is a naturally scary time for all children. If you force a child to be "independant" before they are ready they will just shut down, most likely become depressed and insecure.

Also your experience of not being breastfed does not outweigh all of the scientific evidence that is now available. It's a bit like a smoker telling us we should feel free to light up because there's nothing wrong with them.

OP, I am not suggesting that you are trying to force your daughter into moving from your room, there are some very good gentle suggestions of helping your child move if you are all happy for her to do so. I am trying to show that if you all decide you're happy to co-sleep that it is not so unusual these days and can have benefits.

denballs

If i was you id be more concerned about why you are so afraid of the childs mother.....<SNIP> put your foot down, she obviously is by refusing to even discuss it.If i was you id buy the child a new bed or even move her current bed into a different room and make the room as nice as you can, put lots of toys and a tv etc in the room while the mother is out and when she gets home just Tell {not ask or state and wait for a response i literally mean tell} her you have sorted her out a nice room so she,ll be sleeping there tonight.....if the mother says anything like, no the child is sleeping in your room, then you ask why woud the chid sleep in your room when the child has her own room, this means she either has to debate the matter or agree with you.

P.S.......i would suggest getting somthing like this as the child should really like it and can play in it and get used to it even during the day

cynder

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Really? See I think that (and I am not being judgemental about you as a parent so please don't get the wrong end of the stick here) kind of behaviour from children would be worrying. It would tell me that they hadn't learned to deal with their separation anxiety and understood that you will be coming back. Its one thing for a young child (i.e. a young toddler/wobbler) to fear that when you go you won't be back but that should end pretty quickly I would have though.
To me, if co sleeping created and fueled such a fear it would be reason enough to stop it. It would also seem to contradict the supposed confidence boot of co sleeping past infanthood.

But you see my 1st slept in bed with me every night till she was almost 6, and had separation issues until she as almost 5 (she is 11 now)

My 2nd was in his own room at 6 months he spent time in my bed before that but only here and there. Used to cry every time i left up until he was about 3 - 3 3/4

My 3rd (well we will call him the bed hopper) he sometimes needs me to sleep with him now (turned 4 in December) and sometimes he doesn't. His referred to as a bed hopper because sometimes he ends up in bed with the 11 year old and sometimes his in bed with his brother (age 5) and sometimes he comes into my room and i leave and sleep in his bed as its crowded with the 3 of us ( i leave him in bed with his dad) and sometimes i go into his bed and sleep with him, and sometimes he sleeps on his own which is getting more and more often and for the last 18 months he hasn't cried when Ive left the house, he has only cried a couple of times when i have left him at preschool because his not in form to go that day (he has issues possible asd/adhd).


3 very different children.

cynder

denballs wrote: »

If i was you id be more concerned about why you are so afraid of the childs mother.....<SNIP> put your foot down, she obviously is by refusing to even discuss it.If i was you id buy the child a new bed or even move her current bed into a different room and make the room as nice as you can, put lots of toys and a tv etc in the room while the mother is out and when she gets home just Tell {not ask or state and wait for a response i literally mean tell} her you have sorted her out a nice room so she,ll be sleeping there tonight.....if the mother says anything like, no the child is sleeping in your room, then you ask why woud the chid sleep in your room when the child has her own room, this means she either has to debate the matter or agree with you.

P.S.......i would suggest getting somthing like this as the child should really like it and can play in it and get used to it even during the day

Easier said then done, you try listening to a child crying for its mom for hours on end. It would break the mothers heart.

She has at least got the child its own bed in the bedroom so she has made the first step ( the child is not in the bed anymore). The next step is to move that bed into her own room. When should she do that? well that's the million dollar question. Each family is different one size dose not fit all.
The woman obviously loves her daughter and the daughter obviously loves her mother.

The daughter needs a little help to spread her wings criticising the mother wont help, support, encouragement and baby steps.

Das Kitty

This is a reminder to all posters to maintain a civil tone when posting in the Parenting forum and sub-forums.

No one style of parenting is the correct one, different things work for different families, please keep this in mind when posting.

/mod

Penny Dreadful

goingforward wrote: »

I'm sorry but I completely disagree.

Co-sleeping does not create fear it reassures children that they are safe and loved during the night which is a naturally scary time for all children. If you force a child to be "independant" before they are ready they will just shut down, most likely become depressed and insecure.

Also your experience of not being breastfed does not outweigh all of the scientific evidence that is now available. It's a bit like a smoker telling us we should feel free to light up because there's nothing wrong with them.

OP, I am not suggesting that you are trying to force your daughter into moving from your room, there are some very good gentle suggestions of helping your child move if you are all happy for her to do so. I am trying to show that if you all decide you're happy to co-sleep that it is not so unusual these days and can have benefits.

There is clear cut scientific evidence that tells us all that not smoking is beneficial where as smoking may well kill you and will lessen your quality of life in many ways not only through illness. Not breastfeeding your child has not been scientifically proven to make them more prone to ill health, lacking in intelligence etc. My sisters breastfed each of their 6 children and 6 of the 6 have asthma (one very badly), eczema and various other allergies. So it worked half and half in that way, intellect wise, well time will tell but that have all hit their markers etc on a par with all other children breast fed or not.
This thread is not about whether to breast feed or not so I don't want to hijack it in that way but I had to speak up against the idea that by not breast feeding your child strictly according to the guidelines issued by the WHO does not make you a bad parent...............in much the same way that giving your child their own bedroom to sleep in and expecting them to do so does not make you a bad parent.
Whatever works for a family works for them and its no concern of mine whether they co sleep into the teens and breast feed forever or not at all but in this case the OP is not in agreement about what is happening and he should have a say in that. The child has two parents not just their mother and the father should get an equal say in how that child is brought up. This doesn't make him a jealous person or anything like, it makes him a man who wants to sleep on his own with his wife, wants their child to be a little more independent, etc etc.

Penny Dreadful

grindelwald wrote: »

But you see my 1st slept in bed with me every night till she was almost 6, and had separation issues until she as almost 5

My 2nd was in his own room at 6 months he spent time in my bed before that but only here and there. Used to cry every time i left up until he was about 3 - 3 3/4

My 3rd (well we will call him the bed hopper) he sometimes needs me to sleep with him now (turned 4 in December) and sometimes he doesn't. His referred to as a bed hopper because sometimes he ends up in bed with the 11 year old and sometimes his in bed with his brother (age 5) and sometimes he comes into my room and i leave and sleep in his bed as its crowded with the 3 of us (so i leave him in bed with his dad) and sometimes i go into his bed and sleep with him, and sometimes he sleeps on his own which is getting more and more often and for the last 18 months he hasn't cried when Ive left the house, he has only cried a copuple of times when i have left him at preschool because his not in form to go that day (he has issues possible asd/adhd).


3 very different children.

Thats cool, whatever works for you and I'm glad your chldren are happy.

Ayla

denballs wrote: »

If i was you id be more concerned about why you are so afraid of the childs mother.....<SNIP> put your foot down, she obviously is by refusing to even discuss it....when she gets home just Tell {not ask or state and wait for a response i literally mean tell} her you have sorted her out a nice room so she,ll be sleeping there tonight.....if the mother says anything like, no the child is sleeping in your room, then you ask why woud the chid sleep in your room when the child has her own room, this means she either has to debate the matter or agree with you.

Wow, I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship with you if that's how you "deal" with issues that arise. What an insensitive, one-sided and dominating way to work through a situation! If my husband *ever* told me how things were going to be and did not even attempt a discussion then there would be some serious problems!