Dilema

Heyes

Hi all,

I have something playing on my mind for some time which i need some advise on!.

I would like to ask two of my best friends to be my bridesmaids, problem is that means 1 friend wont be asked. Let me explain there is four of us who have been friends for a very long time, we have been very close for years, one of them has been going through a difficult time (depression etc) and has become quite selfish and likes to do her own thing. She does im sure care a lot about us but sometimes some of the things (or doesnt do) hurt a little.

Anyway getting back to the point, i want to ask the two other girls to be my bridesmaids along with my sister, but that will mean that the other friend mentioned above wont be asked and i dont want to upset her. To be honest a big part of me really doesnt think it will bother her (but then again i dont really know), but i just want to get this sorted and either go with 1 or 3, but i need to make up my mind fast as its kinda annoying me now...

Any advise / thoughts etc ? (I hope it actually makes sense)

SSFG

Yikes, its a sticky one. I have 3 sisters so for me I would never been in this position, it was always going to be all of them really. I think maybe if it was me I would talk to this girl first and explain that you won't be asking her, see how it goes. Its not much of a help, but its just what I would do!

iguana

Could you ask her to do something else in the wedding? If she has a nice voice you could ask her to sing at the ceremony, for example, which she couldn't do as a bridesmaid. Then she'd also have a place in the wedding.

Heyes

iguana wrote: »

Could you ask her to do something else in the wedding? If she has a nice voice you could ask her to sing at the ceremony, for example, which she couldn't do as a bridesmaid. Then she'd also have a place in the wedding.

Nope definately not a singer, I was going to ask her to do a reading, but i dunno if that will make the situation any easier.

aviendha

honest opinion - it will be perceived as v.hurtful to her, and especially that you have 3 bridesmaids ( I know you want to ask your sister) but she WILL feel excluded.. she will notice it, and she will be hurt.. I have seen this quite recently and the friendship has not survived.. it would be different if you had 1/3 friends and a sister...

I know it's your wedding, I know it's your day...... but think how you would feel in her shoes...

just my 0.02

tinkerbell

Your wedding, your day. You are not obliged to ask someone to be in your wedding party just because you think you have to.

whatdoicare

It's not gonna end well, that's for sure.

Do what you want to do but be prepared for your friend to be hurt if you go the asking two friends route.
If it was me, I'd avoid that situation and ask none of them (and have them do small bits in the ceremony) or all of them. It's only fair really to both your friend and your other friends - who will obviously be stuck in the middle of this mess.

missmoo

at the end of the day, it's your wedding, no-one should tell you who to have or not have as bm.

i had one close friend as my bm, however, when she got married a few years later, there was friends that she'd been friends with longer and family members that she really wanted to be. i didn't expect to be, and wasn't put out that i wasn't, being at the wedding was the most important part for me

stoneill

You should try get her involved in some other aspect of the wedding - give her a job "that only she has the skill and enthusiasm" to accomplish.
Perhaps organising the guests into the church, ensuring the organist/singer is in place, looking after groom and grooms men or some other tasks that you know will be done anyway even without her intervention.

bubbles747

no matter what 'job' you give her its still not going to be as important as being bridesmaid, id say she may pretend shes not annoyed but if its depression she has it will be yet another blow to deal with. if i was her id honestly say id feel excluded. as all above say it up to you but i think you should not do that to her, its only one day but the desision you make could have an impact on your friends for a long time after.

32finn

Bubbles hits on a good point there. If she is suffering from depression this is a situation that will have to be treaded very carefully.
As already said it is your wedding and it is your choice and your choice only. Depression can be quite dangerous and the smallest thing to someone else could be massive to the sufferer. Hopefully she is getting some sort of treatment.

I guess what im saying is be very careful, your decision to involve everyone else and exclude her could be (dare i say) a dangerous one! Depression is very powerful and can totally consume someone.

sallysaucer101

Talk to your other 2 friends who you are considering asking. Ask their opionion on it and see maybe if they can come up with a solution because at the end of the day you 3 are possibly the only people who knows whats she is really like and what she has been through.

Maybe they would be happy to step back and not be bridesmaids for her sake!

At the end of the day do what is going to make you happy its your wedding ffs!! Its an amazing occassion be HAPPY!

Shellygoose

Could you not have 4 bridemaids??

32finn

That would surely mean having a fourth groomsman, and in addition, a lot of extra cost.

daycent

You could tell the 3 potential bridesmaids that you are going to put their names into a hat, and pick out 2 names for bridesmaid 'duties'............

Of course, the draw would be fixed!!!:eek::eek::eek::eek:

You could even conduct this in front of them, or in front of "independent witnesses".

I have heard of this being done before in a similar situation, and quite successfully!
(I was not involved ).*










*I do not normally condone this sort of thing

Toto Wolfcastle

32finn wrote: »

That would surely mean having a fourth groomsman, and in addition, a lot of extra cost.

Why? The numbers don't have to match.

32finn

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

Why? The numbers don't have to match.

No, they dont have to match, but in all the weddings i've done or been too, i've never seen mis-matched numbers. Im sure it has been done but wouldn't be ideal when it comes to the dancing, then who have to decide all over again about who is left out of dancing with one of the groomsmen.

Dilema all over again!!

magneticimpulse

If your friend has been going through a depression, being left out as a bridesmaid, might even put her into more of a depression. Especially if 4 of you were all close friends. With the other 2 picked as bridesmaids, I think that is a bit mean and selfish on your part. I know its your wedding and all but at least consider her as a bridesmaid.

Would you not at least ask her? She could always say no shes not up for being bridesmaid? If your already having 3...one more is not going to hurt.

If I was in your situation i would have all 3 friends and sister as bridesmaids

Or just 1 bridesmaid just being the sister!!

That for me would slove any potential fall outs, conflict or just coming off as being mean to your friend by leaving her out.

ElleEm

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Or just 1 bridesmaid just being the sister!!

That for me would solve any potential fall outs, conflict or just coming off as being mean to your friend by leaving her out.

+1

If you are concerned with a fallout, this would be your best option. It would probably mean more to your sister then too.

It is your day afterall, but your friends are your friends. Even if you don't want your friend to be your bridesmaid, not including her could lead to the end of your friendship. You know her best, and clearly think their may be a problem if you don't ask her.

Heineken Helen

32finn wrote: »

That would surely mean having a fourth groomsman, and in addition, a lot of extra cost.

I've got 5 bridesmaids... and 4 groomsmen :eek: the horror :rolleyes:

OP, it surely is your wedding and nobody can tell you what to do but, if you go through with this, you have to be prepared to lose her as a friend and to upset your other friends and leave them in the middle .

I don't know you or your friends but, in this situation, I might be inclined to either just go with your sister or to go with all 4 . It's not going to end well.

LashingLady

I've been left out as a bridesmaid that when a couple of my other friends were. I still get confused and upset about it to this day to be honest, particularly as I am still very friendly with all the girls and would consider myself a good friend and supportive of the bride two years on. I never really discussed it at the time but I was quite sad coming up to it, at the hen party, at the ceremony when they were all coming in, and afterwards when the bms were having a dance with teh bride on the dancefloor. I wasn't depressed, and I hadn't been acting selfishly, so usually the things that go through my head for possible reasons are that I'm not as thin or as goodlooking as the girls who were bridesmaids. If I remember correctly she told me that she couldn't have any more, but I was still gutted and still am now really.

So I woud second the suggestion that you have either just your sister or all of them. I don't subscribe to the view that there has to be an equal number of bms and groomsmen, and if the cost is the a problem then you can just rea-allocate the budget for 3 to 4 and find slightly less expensive dresses and shoes.....

And I know you and you're wedding are not here to provide therapy for your friend but maybe being part of the wedding might be good for her mood and she might become less selfish as a result.