I dont think I trust my girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all. I posted here back in October or so asking for advice. My girlfriend and I were out one night with other friends and all got wasted and later on in the night she kissed another guy when I was in a different room. Said guy, who I thought was a friend, had been coming onto her all night, apparently. At that stage we had been together only about 3 or 4 months properly, but known each other about 1.5 years.
Anyway I was freaked out, wanted to end it, but I thought it was forgivable and gave her another chance. She was really freaked out, tried to blame the booze, but at the same time admitted she was just drunk and stupid and it was probably some kind of ego thing. She is 34 and I am 30.

Anyway it took me a while to get over that, but I fear I haven't completely gotten over it. She's been really good since, made a lot of effort to do things with me, I've met all her friends, family, and has been making me quite happy in general.
Now I am working abroad at the moment so we only see each other every 3 weeks or so for 3 or 4 nights. Either she comes to me or I go home and we spend the whole time together. In May we will both be living in the same city so there is hope on the horizon.

So I guess what I need to know is - if she did this once before, does it mean it's going to happen again? The guy she kissed is kind of a womanizing dude and pretty good looking. I'm not half bad myself either though! She's a very attractive woman. I just find it hard sometimes. Like she's going to a party tonight and I'm not around. Part of me thinks that she's going to jump in bed with the first good looking guy who tries to chat her up. How do I stop these thoughts? I'm been doing my best to hide any of this paranoia from her, and she seems oblivious, which is good I guess, I don't want her to know I worry.
Before we started going out she was single for like 8 years or something, and has only had 1 serious boyfriend. So she had years and years of partying and sleeping around. Which is fine by me but I guess I fear that she wont have 2nd thought about jumping in bed with someone else.

What should I do? should I say something to her? or just hope that the paranoia goes away? I'm trying my best to be cool about everything because I am totally CRAZY about her.

solerina

OP, you ahve every right to be paranoid. If I was with someone who kissed someone else when I was there then it would be over straight away. I would automatically assume that if they kissed someone when I was therethat they would go a lot further when I wasnt around. You cant be together 24/7 and you have every right not to trust her. However seeing as you have already given her a second chance the right thin to do would be to sit her down and explain how you feel. If she has had 8 years to party and still hasnt gotten it out of her system there is every reason to assue she never will, but give her the chance to prove she can change.

LegacyUser

solerina wrote: »

OP, you ahve every right to be paranoid. If I was with someone who kissed someone else when I was there then it would be over straight away. I would automatically assume that if they kissed someone when I was therethat they would go a lot further when I wasnt around. You cant be together 24/7 and you have every right not to trust her. However seeing as you have already given her a second chance the right thin to do would be to sit her down and explain how you feel. If she has had 8 years to party and still hasnt gotten it out of her system there is every reason to assue she never will, but give her the chance to prove she can change.

Yes well the thing is, we talked the thing to death for weeks afterwards, and I was hysterical over it. The fact that we got through that with all the hell that ensued actually made me feel that it might be worth it after all. Of course she promised me nothing like that would ever happen again and that she felt terribly guilty about it and pleaded with me and came to stay with me for a week soon after. Anyway eventually it got to the stage were the subject was just causing pain for both of us so we agreed not to mention it again. Going on about it really wasn't getting us anywhere, it was only leading to arguments.
The thing is though that I am the one that has to live with the uncertainty and lack of trust. I want to trust her but feel like a bit of a mug, that if I do it will happen again.
I mean what good will come of telling her I don't trust her? If I said that she'll think it's just broken and can't be fixed. It's causing me a lot of stress.

kerryman12

Hi OP

I am probably telling you what you already know but being drunk is really no excuse of course neither is the fact that this guy was coming onto her. But reading you post it sounds to me that you have already flogged that horse to death. The decision you now have to make is weather or not you accept that or not. If you do then you have to give your relationship a fair go, if you cant - well then......

When it comes to being away I can relate to that one. I have spent alot of time apart from my OH over the years, to much time really. In my experiance you can let these thoughs consume you if you let them. Based on your experiance above I can only imagine how much worse that would make it. I have had those thoughts, nights out out of course amplify things. All I can suggest to you is to fill you time up, work/sport whatever, you also need to be disciplined and stop youself when you start thinking like that.
In reality you only have a few months to go before ye are back together focus on that for now.

But real piece of mind can only come from trust, you need to find a way to trust this woman again if this relationship is going to work out.

Best of luck dude

ggrr1970

As women often say about men, 'once a cheater, always...'

The fact that she did it while YOU WERE THERE means she's a skank. I mean, you were in the NEXT ROOM!!!

Drop her like a bad habit. Otherwise you'll have yourself driven mad wondering what she's up to when you're not there.

Have you ever seen the 'Are you the father?' shows on TV?

LegacyUser

ggrr1970 wrote: »

As women often say about men, 'once a cheater, always...'

The fact that she did it while YOU WERE THERE means she's a skank. I mean, you were in the NEXT ROOM!!!

Drop her like a bad habit. Otherwise you'll have yourself driven mad wondering what she's up to when you're not there.

Have you ever seen the 'Are you the father?' shows on TV?

how can i drop her if i love her though? it's not that easy

solerina

If you love her than you will have to let this lie and trust her as a result. If you cant trust her then you really do have to finish with her because a relationship without trust is not really a realationship....the lack of trust will finish the realtionship anyway. So your choice is trust her or finish the relationship...only you can choose which one is right for you.

Sungodbr

I think there will be a lot of pain for you if you stay with this girl, cut your loses now as she will do it again and worse still you wont know about it next time, dont be a sucker because thats what she treated you like

greenprincess

I think its a bit harsh to say 'once a cheat always a cheat'. My sisters bf of six months at the time kissed a girl in the night club we were all in when he was hammered, two years later they have just moved in together and things are great for them. I am not sayin 100% that she wont but we're human after all we all make mistakes and if you think she truely is sorry I would say just force it out of your mind.
If you have genuine reason to doubt her then end it because you will just torment yourself! But if not forget it and really do forget it other wise it will destroy your relationship

whatsamsn

Op, this is bad.
She kissed a guy when you were in the next room. That speaks volumes.

I can only speak for myself but if any partner of mine kissed someone else, only dating 3-4 months at the time it happened (early days), in the next room ... I'd end it.

Lets look at facts here. You stated she has been single the last 8 years and she only had one serious boyfriend. If I add that with the other facts I would be considerably wondering if she is 'the relationship type' .. my instincts would be saying she is not.

fungun

OP, if you love her you have to try to trust her. You decided to give her another chance and you say she has made a lot of effort since. It is possible that if she had 8 years of singledom she had bad habits with the drink which contributed last time.

Who knows? But if you really think you want to make a go of this then just do your best to trust her and then maybe you can build that up when you are back in the same city. But also remember that being in the same city wont fix the issue - you cant be with her 24/7....so if you cant trust her now, there isnt a magic solution - just maybe seeing her more often will help that trust to rebuild.

LegacyUser

hi thanks for replies people. Yeah I was just having a bad few days recently due to illness and my mind sometimes gets consumed with negativity. She seems pretty keen and I guess we're all prone to mistakes, she's only human afterall. I've not been an angel in the past with other girls either, but I'm trying to do the right thing with this one.
It's just sometimes I worry and it can get the better of me. So I guess I'll just have to trust her and hope for the best!

kerryman12

Hi Op

It's just sometimes I worry and it can get the better of me.

we all do that from time to time, so that just makes you human

So I guess I'll just have to trust her and hope for the best!

Well you know yourself dont be a gullible fool but, pretty much yea I would think