Why cant it ever be me?

LegacyUser

I just found out that my younger, married sister is pregnant.

I am delighted for her. I swear I am, but Ive had enough. A good friend of mine also had a baby last week. Another got married 4 months ago. Another good friend of mine I barely have contact with her since she had a baby a year ago - she is just not interested in a friendship. My older sister is married with kids. I have to be all delighed for everyone else, all the ****ing time, yet never for me. And it is seriously wearing me down.

I am 32. Not even a sniff of a love life. I try - I swear - I am in an evening class, I am in a gym. I go out. I talk to people. Am friendly. Havent been near a fella in over 2 years now. No one interested. Ive had my fair share of crappy relationships. I am always positive (or I was). But this has really broken me.

Its like life hitting me with a crap stick. The usual "why cant it be me" question? What have I done that even when I make efforts, I still end up alone? Im 32. I see what other people have and, I wouldnt call it jealousy, but they make it seem so easy - like everything happens for them. Marriage/relationship, house, baby...none of which I have.

Why doesnt it happen for some people, and not others?

Can anyone relate to me, as right now, in my mind, I am screaming so loud.

LegacyUser

Perhaps some of your deeper emotions seep out a bit when you chat to men making you appear desperate, which puts them off from the offset?

Stu

Oh yeah, roll out the usual garbage "566547". Were did she say she was needy and desperate. The girl is understandably frustrated at age 32 that she hasn't met the right guy and began to plan a future together, perfectly understandable when all around you are doing exactly that.

OP, all i can say is, keep positive. Positivity in a person is such a great quality and if you lose that you won't be yourself and that in itself isn't going to help the situation.

The right guy is out there but you just have to take the attitude "what will be will be". You can't force these things as much as i understand your frustration.

You mention that you've had your fair share of crappy relationships. It might be that you are slightly wary of men on the one hand but want a loving relationship and kids etc on the other hand and are not fully putting yourself out there. Its just a theory but be happy and gregarious and you will get where you want to be eventually.

whatdoicare

Are you sure you're as approachable and friendly as you think?

My sister in law thinks she's super friendly and outgoing (she has said these words to me on occasion) but in reality she's rather sarcastic and borderline rude. She doesn't seem to realise that this shocks people and they end up gritting their teeth and getting the hell away from her as quick as they can.
I have a feeling she believes that she is portraying herself as an intelligent person but she's actually doing the opposite.
Most fellas wouldn't give a whole lot of time to a girl like this.

Not saying that you're like my sister in law but might be worth observing how you speak to people and watching their reactions to you. Maybe try learning about body language and the art of flirting? Might be something as simple as the words are right but the body language is all wrong?

LegacyUser

I just found out that my younger, married sister is pregnant.

I am delighted for her. I swear I am, but Ive had enough. A good friend of mine also had a baby last week. Another got married 4 months ago. Another good friend of mine I barely have contact with her since she had a baby a year ago - she is just not interested in a friendship. My older sister is married with kids. I have to be all delighed for everyone else, all the ****ing time, yet never for me. And it is seriously wearing me down.

I am 32. Not even a sniff of a love life. I try - I swear - I am in an evening class, I am in a gym. I go out. I talk to people. Am friendly. Havent been near a fella in over 2 years now. No one interested. Ive had my fair share of crappy relationships. I am always positive (or I was). But this has really broken me.

Its like life hitting me with a crap stick. The usual "why cant it be me" question? What have I done that even when I make efforts, I still end up alone? Im 32. I see what other people have and, I wouldnt call it jealousy, but they make it seem so easy - like everything happens for them. Marriage/relationship, house, baby...none of which I have.

Why doesnt it happen for some people, and not others?

Can anyone relate to me, as right now, in my mind, I am screaming so loud.

Oh OP i feel your pain, i can completely relate, i'm a bit younger 26 but christ it's so hard to be happy for people, so draining constantly putting up that happy facade, but at least you've had relationships(i've never even had one, even a crappy one ), even if they ended badly so i doubt very much that you are the problem.

Its so hurtful when people say "oh it must be YOU", you must be needy or desperate, or giving out "a vibe" that puts men off, it seems especially popular here on boards, but you know what OP don't listen to that crap. Personally i've been told by numerous men and women (friends of friends, even complete strangers) that i'm a really lovely person, and get the "i can't believe you're single" lines, sometimes we are just unlucky and that's all there is to it i'm afraid. I have lots of friends who are attractive, sound, lovely women and they are all eternally single too.

Love is like a lottery when you think about it, of all the men on the planet your chances of finding "the one" is a constant lottery draw, yes some women are really lucky and their number gets picked first, and others like us, have to wait and wait and are the last number to be drawn.

Just don't give up hope OP, and please please don't listen to others who say that you're the problem, i think as single women get older they're expected to lower their standards (mostly by other women), they're almost seen as a threat because lets face it you have to be a pretty strong person to not settle for some guy for the sake of it (which is what a lot of women do, stay in mediocre relationships) when society dictates that you should have a house/kids/husband by a certain age and they like to use the "oh it must be YOU" crap to make themselves feel better.

You'll find him someday OP, you just might have to wait a bit longer than some, but you know what you'll be stronger for that, and you'll really appreciate it all the more when it does happen for you

A friend of mine got engaged recently after being single for the vast majority of her adult life, she's only know the guy for 6 months but they both just knew they were the one for each other, that really gave me hope, so hang in there OP, this time next year you could be engaged, you never know whats around the corner, just stay positive and keep looking

Katgurl

Fair play to you op, at least you're being honest. So you want to meet someone - well you need to start dating, 2 years is too long.

You do sound open and optimistic so that's a great start. It's probably just few practicalities. And they are easy!
Appearance wise you mentioned you go to gym, do you wear makeup, feminine clothes, keep your hair long and glossy, are your teeth nice and white?

Flirting wise either ask an honest friend what impression you make. Be selective about who you ask - someone copped on, flirtatious, kind an honest. Perhaps an aunt? Also watch people you know and how they behave and how people react. Flirting is really very easy - it's just making the other person feel good about himself. Smile a lot all the time, really all the time at everyone. Be a bit teasing but always nice and don't dominate the conversation ie let him get chance to show off how funny he is. I'm no suggesting you turn into mute 1950s stepford wife btw or that you change your personality jus that you give guys a chance to approach you.

Now finding a guy - be thorough. Let everyone you know you'd like to go on dates. Agree to go on blind dates or foursomes. Set up dating profile, with picture and lots info filled in. Be open to guys you mightn't have considered - I'm only talking about initially. And go places; venues and parts of the country you usually wouldn't, there is nothing like a novelty to get ppl interested. Stay away from meatmarkets filled with scantily clad 20 year olds, the guys are there for one thing only. Go to concerts and quiet pubs with pool tables. Talk and smile at everyone - men and women - in supermarket queues etc. It's all practice. The key isn't to look for perfect man, it's to widen circle of people you know because believe me he's out there.

The best thing you have going now is your clarity about wanting find someone and your optimistic spirit so hang onto them.

I know the things I've written aren't perceived as modern or popular. But let me tell you op, I am no supermodel and I have no shortage of offers, ever.

neuro-praxis

The only thing you can do is concentrate on building yourself the happiest and most satisfying life ever. If you want this to include dating, ask some trusted friends to set you up with trusted friends of theirs.

I have friends in your position who deeply want to find a partner and yet they are unwilling to risk anything to do so. One particular friend is finding her singleness harder and harder to cope with, especially with the spate of marriages and births in our social circle. I have a good male friend who I think would work incredibly well with her, but will she meet him? No.

What about online dating, have you given that a go?

Relationships are great, but ultimately you need to be able to make yourself happy. If you can ask yourself, what are my values? What do I want? And then go and fulfil those things. If the only thing you can answer is "a man" then you need to rethink your values, because as you are well aware, right now you haven't got one of those. But your life is still worth living and enjoying!

Corkblowin

Katgurl wrote: »

don't dominate the conversation ie let him get chance to show off how funny he is

& the advice to guys is to ask questions and let her do the talking.....no wonder we're all fooked!!

OP....you seem like a well-adjusted, normal person, and I hope one who is realistic enough to know that things work out at different rates for different people. I'm afraid I've no magic solutions (been single a good while myself and at 38.....(gulp)), but you're doing the right things and it will happen. Your friends could be looking at you and wishing they had your freedom, or maybe they are 'settling' - no-one knows but them.

I'm guessing that some of the crappy relationships were due to you 'wanting' to be in one, and ended up with someone who wasn't right. The only advice I have it not to settle just so you can have what others have, you deserve the best, and to repeat....you will meet him - patience.

dory

Not much to add to what has already been said, but two observations from my time on the planet:

1. You need a hook. A reason for you to be interesting ahead of all others. The night class or whatever might be it. It might be travelling, your trumpet playing, whatever. Just something.

2. If you're constantly having no luck finding a partner in your own country - go further afield. I don't know how to explain this without being a bit un-PC, but whatever way you look/act will be very attractive somewhere. And you will have lots of fun finding that place. I work for an international organization and have people from every country working with me. I've lost count of the amount of mixed-race couples and each say they had no luck in their own country.

John Mason

Chin Up - it will happen.

i was in a very similar place myself when i was 32 - i met my soul mate when i was 33.

i met him just as i had decided to give up on ever having another relationship, and was planning my crazy lady with hundreds of dogs and newspapers retirement.

anyway, i was just really happy, enjoying my life, and the last thing i wanted in my life was a man - i was actually having the best time ever and then the fec.ker came along :mad:

i know it sounds like an old wives tales but as soon as you stop looking, you will find it.

Katgurl

Corkblowin wrote: »

& the advice to guys is to ask questions and let her do the talking.....no wonder we're all fooked!!

... patience.

hahaha touché! The thing is us girls LOVE to talk that's why guys always advised to ask questions

No the point I was trying to make - perhaps not very coherently - was to give a guy a chance when he's speaking. I know women gorgeous, smart and particularly funny and wonder why they don't get asked out but from what I've seen the guys don't get a look in or can't keep up. Yes it could be argued that you shouldn't need babysit someones ego but just be a pleasant easy person to be around. I'm not talking about dumbing down, I'm talking about giving people a chance because everyone has something to contribute. Guys remember a FEELING they had with someone so make sure it's a positive one if you like him.

And really take my word for it on the changing location - go spend a weekend in uk with an old friend you used work with or visit your cousins in another part of the country.

You'll find him, don't panic in the meantime you may as well enjoy your freedom!

sharper

feelinglow wrote: »

Why doesnt it happen for some people, and not others?

The accurate but unsatisfying answer is that life isn't fair. People have all sorts of nice things fall in their lap without deserving it (and bad things too)

The whole relationship thing is very confusing particular in Ireland. Most people do pretty well dating within their social circle, outside of this things become pretty hard. Others meet someone through work but again you have to be lucky.

Irish people have a reputation for friendliness but in my experience it really only extends to the odd friendly chat, forming real friendships and relationships is pretty tough with most people (who all seem to have enough friends and a partner already)

Solutions? I don't really have any. You're definitely not the only one and I think lots of people find it very hard, it's just not obvious because you can't see them.

Cgoodie

OP - I do know it's hard when everyone else around you seems to be moving on and getting the things you want it makes you feel so low and it's okay to feel like that but don't let it consume your life as it will rob you of the enjoyment of life.

Take time to figure out what it is you really want out of life and what it is that makes you happy. Look into doing other things than the night course and going out - maybe there's a sport you always wanted to try sign up for it and give it a go - you will meet people from a completely different circle.

You never know what's around the corner waiting for you and more than likely in a few years when you'll have met someone you'll be wishing for the single days!

mood

Give internet dating a go. You never know who you could meet.

LegacyUser

thanks so much for the replies guys.
Some of them brought tears to my eyes-honest.

I guarantee its nothing to do with looks - I have kept myself very well out of pride (and love) for myself. I deserver to be kind and nice to myself, as noone else will.

I just cant get my head around why guys dont ask for dates and things like that - other girls do these things -why cant I?

Ive had 3 serious relationships - 2 of them the men were cocky assholes. After 3 years each with them, I then realise am wasting my time. I was, maybe still am resentful that I wasted the majority of my 20s in ****ty relationships, that in my heart of hearts knew were going no where, but stayed in "just because".

I know what I want now in a man. If you'd asked me even 6 months ago, Id have said "no am not ready for a relationship".

I am ready for a relationship now and putting myself out there big time the last few months (and no am not desperately looking for men or stalking etc. Am pretty normal!). I do try, I swear.

To an outsider, I have the life of riley-good education, good job, no debt, I go out and do interesting things, I travel, drive nice car, look after myself, but am so lonely. So so.

What bugs me the most, bar the dwindling social life with all these marriages and babys, is that I think what if I never meet someone, and have the opportunity to have children.
Do other women my age/older feel like this?

At the same time, I enjoy my single life.

Jesus i dont know whether I am coming or going...........

John400

OP, just a general wondering from me.

Is there anybody at work or college etc who would interest you? A hell of a lot of people find their other half at work.

Zen65

feelinglow wrote: »

Havent been near a fella in over 2 years now. No one interested.

Op, forgive me if I seem a bit blunt, but I offer you my advice in this format:

You "go out".

You "talk to people".

You are "in a gym".

But do you ask any fella out for a date? Are you just waiting for the fella to ask you? This would be a poor strategy, for many reasons.

They say that "all the good ones are already taken".... in relation to men or women. This is incorrect, and it would be more correct to say "the majority of people who have a talent for making relationships work start doing so at a young age, and consequently by the time they are in their thirties very many of them are in long-term relationships". The corollary of this statement is "single people in their thirties are statistically likely to be less skilled at making relationships work". This means less likely to ask others out on a date, less likely to know how to compromise within the relationship to make it a success, and less likely to know when the relationship is in trouble.

Of course there are exceptions. Maybe you are an exception? From your post though, that seems unlikely. You can of course change your behaviours. Try asking a guy out on a date. I don't mean that you go around asking guys at random, but when you meet somebody new who seems half-way decent, and single, ask him if he'd like your number, or ask for his, or if he'd like to meet you for a coffee sometime.

Our lives are not random events. Our lives are the result of the decisions we take, with a degree of random occurrences mixed in. "Lucky" people are often people whose behaviour has placed them in the right place at the right time. You can alter your life by changing the way you make decisions. Of course, it is equally possible to be unlucky even if you took the same actions as a "lucky" person, because life is neither fair nor unfair, it just happens as it does.

You say that you go to the gym, but are there opportunities to chat to guys there? Do you think that by walking that treadmill in a sweatshirt & tracksuit bottoms that some guy is going to approach you and ask you out, just because you're pretty?

Pick activities that allow you an opportunity to be proactive in chatting / flirting with guys. Have you tried speed dating, line dancing, tag rugby, or other events where you actually have to interact with others around you?

I don't know what other advice to offer you. I can only say that among my friends the one girl who never asked anyone out on a date is the only single one left. Maybe that's not you and I've got this all wrong?

Whatever you choose to do, be at peace with it.

Z

Zen65

mood wrote: »

Give internet dating a go. You never know who you could meet.

Funnily enough, I'm slow to offer "internet dating" as advice for precisely the same reason.

Z

mood

I don't agree that not asking guy out is the reason the OP could be single. I only know two couples where the girl ask the guy out.

LegacyUser

One of the relationships I was in, I asked the guy out.

It was not a good decision. And not something I would like to do again.

LegacyUser

yes but it takes all sorts of failures before you have a success. It did for me.

I had every sort of stupid relationship, and dated every kind of asshole. I made so many mistakes over the last three years. But putting yourself out there is important. OP hasnt had a date in two years!

I found internet dating quite good actually but its not the solution, its only part of it.

LegacyUser

Hey,
I could have written something similar to your post OP. Iam in my early 30's and have been single for awhile now. However I have been on some dates and was causally seeing someone for a time, since my last serious relationship. Those dates havent lead to anything serious and the causal seeing someone guy turned out to be a total timewaster.
I have asked guys out, but that did not lead to anything other than the Iam just not that into you guy or rejection (i.e. Iam seeing someone guy).
Zen.. I can see something in your post, meeting guys in my youth was much easier and not too much of a problem. I have just found it harder to meet guys as I have gotten older, its like its come to a stand still. Despite going out and placing myself in different social events.
Op... I can understand your frustration and sadness too, I get like that at times. Especially when your friends are all getting hitched up, having babies and you start to see them less as a result. You then start to reflect upon your self and question why you havent met someone. It doesnt help when your hitched friends say to you " I cant understand why you are single"
I wish I had the magic answer for you OP, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one in the same situation and I can understand where you are coming from with your post.

greenday1

Hi (feelinglow),

You seem like a lovely person to me, male 30's here, can't understand how you are finding it so hard to meet someone. The really sound, nice girls are not easy to find. Just recently out of relationship myself. As regards lads not going up to you, chatting you up, personally speaking I find that very hard, usually the way I would meet a girl is if I got chatting to her at the bar or happened to be standing next to her etc, it's not easy. It's a lot harder to chat a girl up if they are in a big group so maybe that could be an issue. Best of luck.

wolfpawnat

OP, I feel for you. I am 24 (young enough I know) but since I have a child (2yo) I feel that no one will ever look at me and those that do are never desirable with their nike tracksuits tucked into their socks and their peak caps!

It is depressing and disheartening, but I tell myself to keep smiling and be polite to everyone because if you are not happy with yourself you can hardly expect anyone else to be (thats my motto anyway)

You look after yourself by going to the gym, and you get out and about, so that is good for a morale boost.

Perhaps trying to ask a guy out is a good idea, worst they can say is no, and if it did happen, do not take it as an insult! They may have stuff in their own lives too!

*hugs*

John400

OP, i don't know whether this is the case or not but you may be picky about guys and don't realise it?

As another poster was kind of alluding to in a way- you probably need to be considering guys that you wouldn't normally go for. I don't mean go for guys who you genuinely don't like but go for a guy who has a trait or aspect to him that you like but you wouldn't normally consider him.

If you gave somebody like this a chance you may click with him and grow to like him.

Also, as i was saying in my previous post, is there someone at work or college etc who you would have some sort of interest in? As i said, lots of people meet their partners at work.

rbag

Hi. I'm 33, female and single and could have written your post six months ago.

Like you, I used to get quite down about being single, and comments from close ones re "you have left it too late etc" weren't helping. I am single for over two years, but in the meantime have tried speed dating and online dating and recommend them as a way of getting out there and meeting different people.

Speaking from experience, feeling low or bad about yourself will not achieve anything apart from damaging your health. The way I see it now is life goes on regardless. Things are great for me and if I were to meet someone now it would be great but it's not the be all and end all. Enjoy every day for what it is and who knows the future will bring. Worrying about it though doesn't achieve anything.

Zen65

rbag wrote: »

Enjoy every day for what it is and who knows the future will bring. Worrying about it though doesn't achieve anything.

+1

This is the real secret to a happy life.

Z

Zen65

feelinglow wrote: »

One of the relationships I was in, I asked the guy out.

It was not a good decision. And not something I would like to do again.

Op,

Successful people are most often the ones who didn't quit when they suffered setbacks. Don't be put off by one bad experience. Relationships are not defined by how they started.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Op

I could have written your post as a 46 yld guy. I have seen my friends all start their families and I now actually find it hard to visit my 2 best friends houses as I see what I'm missing. Even in work 1 of the lads has just had a daughter while 2 others have announced pregnancies in the last month and their all in their early 30's.
Happy and all as i am for them I struggle sometimes to put on the happy face.
I have not been on a relationship of any consequences for 10 years following my marrige break up(which was over having kids) but I still believe that I will meet the right person somewhere.

At 32 your odds are good. Life has a strange way of making things work. The less you look the more often you find what your looking for.

mood

Donttret wrote: »

Op

I could have written your post as a 46 yld guy. I have seen my friends all start their families and I now actually find it hard to visit my 2 best friends houses as I see what I'm missing. Even in work 1 of the lads has just had a daughter while 2 others have announced pregnancies in the last month and their all in their early 30's.
Happy and all as i am for them I struggle sometimes to put on the happy face.
I have not been on a relationship of any consequences for 10 years following my marrige break up(which was over having kids) but I still believe that I will meet the right person somewhere.

At 32 your odds are good. Life has a strange way of making things work. The less you look the more often you find what your looking for.

Donttret I find one advantage of internet dating is you state if you want kids or not. I think this is important as it definitely is a deal breaker of the person who wants kids and the person who doesn't. It's not something you can compromise on. Would you give it a go? I am. I think it's increases your chances of meeting someone. I've had a few dates, and meet guys I wouldn't have if I didn't give it a shot but none have lead to a relationship yet.

Lux23

I sometimes get upset about these things as well. Its hard not to be jealous of your friends who are in seemingly happy realtionships with children and pets or whatever. And I know deep down that I would love to meet someone and share my life with them.

But this may not happen for me and if it doesn't is it really that terrible? I used to think so until I met a really interesting woman who just turned 40. She has a great job, social life, her own home (without the massive mortage), she goes on at least two big holidays a year and loads of weekend trips. She goes to gigs all the time and never looks out of place in my favourite haunt Whelans so I have been thinking lately that a single life doesn't have to be a disappointing one.

I am 28 so I have loads of time left so who knows what may happen, I could have a husband and two kids by the time I am your age OP! But if not, my life is mine and I won't let anyone including myself make me feel that its been a disappointment because I havent been married or had children.

Im sure I will have times where I will get down about it but thats life.

prinz

feelinglow wrote: »

Ive had my fair share of crappy relationships. ..

This jumped out of the OP when I read it. Are you looking for the wrong sort of guys? I am at that stage now when I, and a lot of friends would be settling down, moving in together, engaged, that sort of thing. While it is perfectly natural for some people not to find anyone on the other hand I know that of the people I am friendly with who would be single and frustrated, they often have a bad approach to relationships and terrible decision making skills when it comes to potential partners. Is there a particular 'type' you usually go for? Perhaps this is letting you down? I know guys and girls where this is the major issue, and the one they are least likely to face up to, that the problem is not everyone else, but their own.

mood

prinz wrote: »

This jumped out of the OP when I read it. Are you looking for the wrong sort of guys? I am at that stage now when I, and a lot of friends would be settling down, moving in together, engaged, that sort of thing. While it is perfectly natural for some people not to find anyone on the other hand I know that of the people I am friendly with who would be single and frustrated, they often have a bad approach to relationships and terrible decision making skills when it comes to potential partners. Is there a particular 'type' you usually go for? Perhaps this is letting you down? I know guys and girls where this is the major issue, and the one they are least likely to face up to, that the problem is not everyone else, but their own.

But surely that can be changed - if you figure out what it is you do wrong or whatever.

rbag

prinz wrote: »

This jumped out of the OP when I read it. Are you looking for the wrong sort of guys? I am at that stage now when I, and a lot of friends would be settling down, moving in together, engaged, that sort of thing. While it is perfectly natural for some people not to find anyone on the other hand I know that of the people I am friendly with who would be single and frustrated, they often have a bad approach to relationships and terrible decision making skills when it comes to potential partners. Is there a particular 'type' you usually go for? Perhaps this is letting you down? I know guys and girls where this is the major issue, and the one they are least likely to face up to, that the problem is not everyone else, but their own.

I think that this could be changed though, if it was an issue? Maybe there isn't many single men in the area where the OP lives? Emigration could be an issue. Who knows. Don't think we can generalise though.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand where you are right now.
Although I can get dates and gfs I still haven't found someone to settle down with, which dismays me at times.

You say you have a steady life, look good etc. yet still can't get dates.
Now I am going to disagree with some of views here and tell you that in my opinion there must be some reason why it isn't working for you, my advice would be to change something about yourself, or change the way you do things perhaps. I don't know enough about your situation to know what that is yet.

Maybe if you tell us about the last time you met a guy you liked, what did you do, how did you come across, did you make a move etc etc I might be able to give more of an insight into your situation?
I don't believe if you just continue this way that you will magically meet Mr Right, I think that if you want to meet someone you need to do something differently.

prinz

mood wrote: »

But surely that can be changed - if you figure out what it is you do wrong or whatever.

rbag wrote: »

I think that this could be changed though, if it was an issue?

I am sure it could be if someone really wanted to but it's often at the end of the list of causes that people acknowledge.

mood

prinz wrote: »

I am sure it could be if someone really wanted to but it's often at the end of the list of causes that people acknowledge.

Maybe it's something the OP or other people are not aware of so how can they acknowledge or change it!

Overheal

It's like a mind****: Once you start wondering why its not working, it wont work. Squelch that part of you thats become frustrated and just keep focusing on the things that are making you happy Now.

John400

prinz wrote: »

This jumped out of the OP when I read it. Are you looking for the wrong sort of guys?

I don't want to be repeating myself here but i think the OP should be going for guys that she wouldn't normally consider.

As i said previously, i don't mean that she should go for guys that she genuinely doesn't like, but she should go for guys who have a trait or aspect of them that she likes but she wouldn't normally consider dating.

In a manner of speaking she should open the net a bit wider. As i said if there's something about a guy she likes she should give them a chance or at least show her interest in them because what has she got to lose? Nobody's perfect.

Okay if things don't work out fair enough, but if she has a starting point with someone she can grow to like/and eventually love.

For example, there's a girl i know who was in the same position as her who eventually got together with a guy at work. Funnily enough, she didn't converse with him and he thought she was rude!

Anyway, they got talking at a work function, got on well, he didn't ask her out but got quite fond of her and hugged her at the end of the night. Then another work colleague left six months later, they held a party and the two of them eventually got together after he asked her out.

ggrr1970

So many single women I know have a default position of 'passive'. I was going out a girl some years ago while sharing a house with two others.
Standard Saturday night:
Girls come home in the early hours.
How did you get on?
Didn't meet any men. No one decent came up to us. The only ones who did were drunk.
If you're in a club and there are 300 men then there are 300 possibilities. If you sit there and expect them to come to you, and only three do, then your possibilities are three.
As a prev post said, it's not easy chatting up a complete stranger. When a female friend of mine asked me what she could do to improve her chances I said simply this:
Smile and say hello.
Give us an 'in'.
Regarding asking men out, as a man, I would say don't do it.
Also, forget the gym. Men don't go to the gym to meet women. Classes are a good option though.
Have you done any solo travelling?
Surely your attached mates' partners have single friends.
A lot of people seem a bit uptight about Internet dating. We seem a bit coy about it. Don't know why. Seems like a good way to cast your net.
Be active! Not passive.

cantdecide

OP

I'm a similar age and suffering a similar predicament except I'm a dissimilar sex. I'm at the stage where I think if I meet a nice girl my age then she must be spoken for.

I once worked with a really really nice girl just for a day. I had a moment of clarity later that evening when I realised she had been flirting her arse off with me all that afternoon.

I'm as perceptive as you get and I'm no coward but I felt like a buffoon having simply assumed that she was out of reach and the moment had passed.

What I'm saying is just be open and don't be afraid to let people know you have eyes for them if you do. I would also encourage you to work on your aversion to asking guys out. It's a posiitve thing even if it didn't work out in the past.

I can assure you there are plenty really great guys out there. Trust me, I know tons.

James400

John400 wrote: »

I don't want to be repeating myself here but i think the OP should be going for guys that she wouldn't normally consider.

As i said previously, i don't mean that she should go for guys that she genuinely doesn't like, but she should go for guys who have a trait or aspect of them that she likes but she wouldn't normally consider dating.

In a manner of speaking she should open the net a bit wider. As i said if there's something about a guy she likes she should give them a chance or at least show her interest in them because what has she got to lose? Nobody's perfect.

I'd agree with that.

As has been said, the OP may possibly be fussy without realising that she is. For me she probably does need to go for someone who she kind of likes but wouldn't be contemplating a relationship with normally.

Be it somebody she meets at work or whatever, she needs to indicate her interest to them. This does widen her net.

LegacyUser

Don't mind all these posts OP telling you that you need to change or that this is somehow your fault. You are who you are and unless that includes being rude and objectionable then there's no point changing as people will either like you for what you are, or they won't. I know quite a few single women in their 30s, I was one of them until recently, and by and large they are no better/worse-looking or nicer/meaner than any of my friends who are in couples. In fact, some of the single girls are WAY more beautiful, interesting and successful. They're only single because they got out of long-term relationships in their early 30s (so not because they are somehow bad or inept at relationships, as was suggested earlier). I was the same - ended LTR and found myself back being single for the first time in years and years. It took a bit of getting used to and for a while it was definitely a disheartening experience.

It's very easy to lose all hope of meeting someone when you go out and no-one talks to you (despite efforts!) or you feel like you never meet anyone new. Or you might meet loads of people but not anyone you'd be interested in going out with. Or the person you're interested in isn't interested in you. None of these things mean that there's anything wrong with you. You just haven't met the right person. Unfortunately for some of us that does take a lot longer than for others.

My advice for what it's worth would be to try to stay relaxed about it and focus on things that make your life more fun. Don't just get involved in classes in order to meet someone - do something because you have a genuine interest in it. Be nice to yourself and try and have as much fun as you can because you WILL meet someone someday and then no doubt you'll find yourself giving out that you have no time to yourself I'm not a convert to the idea of internet dating - signed up once for about 20 mins as a friend dared me to and it wrecked my head - however, it is a good way to meet people, and maybe going on a few dates would be good for you (not necessarily with a view towards meeting the man of your dreams, but just in order to get back out there and knock down any mental walls that you might've built up about dating).

Finally something I've noticed recently is that a lot of women in their early thirties are going out with guys in their twenties, myself included (and I would totally recommend it). It seems to be easier to get chatting to younger guys when out for a night too. So maybe consider that if you haven't before?!

Best of luck OP - try not to let it get you down too much. You still have lots of time to meet someone, marry, have kids or whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It might just happen a bit later than you would've ideally liked it.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies guys.

Am confused in my own head.

I think I know what is wrong - had time there to think about it - I do get lonely - and I would love to meet someone, but I dont think it is the underlying cause of my sadness.

I think its because everyone now my age, friends/family etc are in totally different places to me-I LOVE going out and socialising and the circle is just getting smaller and smaller - my younger sister especially we would go out and have great fun. So its like the rug being pulled from under your feet.

Now its all changing (again).

So, I think the panic about "finding a man" has stemmed from the fact that the social circle is tightening and if the circle closes in, it cuts my chances of a) going out in general meeting people (as I said I LOVE going out - not just to meet men) and b) but it does cut possibities to meet guys. Am I even making sense?

Where I work, most of the guys who I could/would find attractive (that has to be there - no point in dating someone I dont find initally attractive) are married/GF, and I would not go there. I dont go out on the town or to my class to meet guys :-) sorry if I gave that impression. I mean it would be nice if that happened, but I would rather do things for fun and no pressure.

LegacyUser

Sorry - OP here - I posted using the wrong username by accident. Please change if you can.

Ickle Magoo

Sorry OP, mods can edit/delete posts but can't alter the ID/handle of those posting them.

John400

You'llbegrand wrote: »

Where I work, most of the guys who I could/would find attractive (that has to be there - no point in dating someone I dont find initally attractive) are married/GF, and I would not go there. I dont go out on the town or to my class to meet guys :-) sorry if I gave that impression. I mean it would be nice if that happened, but I would rather do things for fun and no pressure.

OP just on this, your point about not dating someone who you don't find initially attractive is understandable but i do think you should get to know guys at work or elsewhere better. You may surprise yourself- as i said you may encounter a guy who has a trait or aspect to him that you genuinely like but you wouldn't normally consider, i'd even give it time. Eventually you could well feel differently about the guy. I'd give a guy like this a chance, he may not be Brad Pitt but he could be hilarious/ great personality...y'know a guy could grow on you (if you get my drift).

Ruling out guys on initial impressions isn't widening the net in my opinion. Also you need to be pro-active in talking to guys at work or elsewhere, even if you don't initially like them try to be positive. If you give off positive friendly vibes towards guys you are creating a good impression of yourself to guys.

Also, go to all functions within your family/ social or work circle. This will increase your odds of meeting someone or getting together with someone you are already familar with.
Nobody's perfect.

milli milli

John400 wrote: »

he may not be Brad Pitt

I always wonder why Brad Pitt is the fail-safe 'attractive guy'? I don't find him one bit attractive and he does nothing for me. Does anyone think he has an awful jaw line?

Anyway I digress. OP you say your 'going out' social circle is getting smaller and smaller - then you should try to widen it by joining classes, etc. No matter what age you will find people to go out with.

LegacyUser

OP I am in a similar boat to you. I am a single 35 year old girl. I've always looked after myself and feel I am more attractive now than I was in my 20s due to my aquired confidence.
I am independent, have my own house and car, have travelled on my own, have lots of interests and passions. I am a considerate, loving person. I've had 2 relationships in my life and after that a few flings that went nowhere. I had such a bad run of dealings with men in the last while that I completely retreated from them. I went back to college and put all my passion into studying. I cut myself off from men for a number of years, feeling that I would rather be alone than be hurt again.
It is only since the last few months, after hearing of my two brothers' impending babies that I've woken up to the fact that I could be alone forever. Christmas was a miserable time, although I hid it well. I started to go out again and have made myself more open to men. But I have to say not many men approach me. It's kind of depressing. Guys approached me in my twenties but not now. I've never let myself go and I hope I am sending off a welcoming vibe.
I have to say that I don't want to approach guys. I don't mind talking to someone in the vicinity but I won't go up to a guy. How would you know if he actually liked you or feels obliged, cause you're the only girl talking to him?
My first boyfriend I approached him, and although we went out for a number of years, I was into him more than him me, and he eventually dumped me. I need to be with someone who is crazy about me.

So I just want you to know that you are not the only one, and some of us have been single even longer than 2 years and are still intact!

I have to say that that saying about meeting someone when you least suspect isn't true.

LegacyUser

Me again.
Have since found out that another good friend of mine is preggers also!
Its weird. This weekend my sister and I were supposed to go out - obviously she doesnt want to go now.
The following weekend I had arranged to stay at my friends house (the newly pregnant one) and go out. Now thats off the cards too.
Head is still spinning.

Especially at the weekend my brother in law said to me "So, how do you feel about your younger sister being pregnant?".
I dont think he meant it in a bad way, but Im not sure how to take it.
Think he might have meant cause she is my baby sister and is having a baby.
She turned and told him to shut up.
Its going around and around in my head.

cantdecide

The first thing you should do is tell your sister what you told us. She isn't moving to Mars. She's having a baby. I can assure you, your friendship with your sister is going to be 99% as it was before.

I don't think your first post was as far from the truth as you would have us believe, though. I think that things are changing in spite of you and maybe the decision to find love and move on is kind of being made for you. However, you should reflect more about your life and what you want from it. If you decide that you're happy as you are, you should put aside all thoughts of love and children etc aside and just accept that you want to be the exception and not the rule. This is fine too. You just have to stop pressurizing yourself if it isn't what you want.