Assuming I am interested in her?

LegacyUser

So I am looking for some female advice here...

Got chatting to the new bar maid last week (I am abroad and so I am always in there), after a few nights I asked her for her number and she gave it to me (and I gave her mine). Before asking her for her number I knew she had a boyfriend however I am not interested in her other than as a mate. I don't know many people here and want to make friends.

So on Monday I texted her saying "Hope you are keeping well, are you free on Wednesday night by any chance?"

Tonight she replies (2 bloody days to reply!!!) with "I don't have any plans for tonight but I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate it if I meet up with you, see you around. Sorry x"

The reason I asked if she was free because I go and play pool with a bunch of work people every Wednesday and wanted to invite her along but I guess she assumed I was asking her on date.

Now I feel awkward and don't feel comfortable returning to my regular bar where she started working a week ago.

My question is if you were the girl would you assume the guy was looking for a date or something? I have zero romantic interest in her and didn't say about pool in my first message as I didn't think there was any point in texting her the details unless she was free.

Any comments / advice is useful... thanks...I feel really embarrassed / awkward and all because she must automatically have thought I was looking for date ??!!

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

LegacyUser

It is the OP here....I would rather this was left in TLL lounge if that is ok? We are not in a relationship and I have no interest in being in a relationship with her, I just want to know if other girls would automatically assume that the guy was looking for a date or something.

Taltos

Suggest you either talk to her or reply telling her to bring her BF along, key thing though is to let her know you are meeting up with mates for some pool..

In fairness it does not seem like you gave her much information to work on - so her assumption would seem more than reasonable.

No need to feel awkward, just tell her you were hoping to make some more friends... Only prob here is she may now feel awkward, so take the edge off by letting her know that while you may have been interested the fact that she has a BF clearly puts her in friend-zone...

MsHolloway

Hi op,

To be honest, if it were me I might have assumed you were looking for a date too. The text does sound like trying to sort a date. Maybe in future you should mention more in your text like " Hiya, heading out with friends from work to play pool, should be good craic, you and your boyfriend are more than welcome to come along" .. or something like that.

If you were just looking to meet new friends etc why not just text her and say something like "Lol, I didn't mean it like that wasn't trying to step on your boyfriends toes, just trying to make new friends. I'm heading out to play pool with people from work, was just going to ask you if you wanted to come along, your bf would be more than welcome too. The more the merrier! "

Or something to that effect. Tells her you're weren't looking to date her and it should ease awkwardness the next time you see her.

Ickle Magoo

femaleadviceplz wrote: »

It is the OP here....I would rather this was left in TLL lounge if that is ok? We are not in a relationship and I have no interest in being in a relationship with her, I just want to know if other girls would automatically assume that the guy was looking for a date or something.

I'm afraid giving advice or a female perspective on guys issues is not the purpose of the ladies lounge and it wouldn't be fair on the regular posters there if we allowed all the "ladies, need your advice" threads to stay - PI/RI are the advice forums and so posts requesting advice which are not covered by tLL charter will be moved here.

All the best. :cool:

sophia25

I too would have assumed you were asking for a date. i think the best thing (not to embarrass her or you) is to send a text saying you understand her pov but hope you can still remain friends.She won't be humiliated in thinking she misread something and more likely to stay as a friend , if that's what you want. She will then see your text as a compliment but will feel safe in your company, the best way out of an awkward situation.

zxcvbnm1

To be honest I can't for the life of me understand how you would have thought she could have interpreted it any other way?

A guy asks a girl for her number - and a couple of days later asks her is she free to meet up ! If that's not a date request then what is?

If you actually did want to go out with her romantically, how would you have approached the situation any different to how you actually did?

When I ask a girl out I pretty much do exactly as you did.

IrishEyes19

Society should be that we can have friends both male and female and ask for numbers only for a possible friendship, but unfortunately it just doesn't seem to work that way.

I'm afraid I would have interpreted it the same way as her, a guy asks my number and text's me if I have plans for the night. I would assume he was interested in meeting up for a date.

Having said that, if she presumed you were interested in her that way, I dont understand why she didnt refuse to give out her number or blatantly talk about her bf to you and explain why it wouldnt be appropriate.

If I were you, just set her straight.

LegacyUser

OP here – Thanks for all the replies! Sent her 2 texts yesterday to explain bowling and got no reply…I don’t intend on texting her again unless she contacts me and I don’t intend on returning to the bar that she started working in about 2 weeks ago) (which I have been going to since October)

Taltos wrote: »

Suggest you either talk to her or reply telling her to bring her BF along, key thing though is to let her know you are meeting up with mates for some pool..

That is the very first thing I said to her when she texted me.

Taltos wrote: »

In fairness it does not seem like you gave her much information to work on - so her assumption would seem more than reasonable.

I didn’t think there was any point giving wasting her time by giving her all the details and arrangements if she wasn’t going to be free.

Taltos wrote: »

No need to feel awkward, just tell her you were hoping to make some more friends... Only prob here is she may now feel awkward, so take the edge off by letting her know that while you may have been interested the fact that she has a BF clearly puts her in friend-zone...

Think I’m just better off not returning to the bar and leaving her in piece. I knew that she has a bf and she knows that I know that she has a bf so she shouldn’t have had any reason to think I wanted her as a bf..mind you she didn’t say that I’m just assuming based on her text that that is what she was thinking.

MsHolloway wrote: »

If you were just looking to meet new friends etc why not just text her and say something like "Lol, I didn't mean it like that wasn't trying to step on your boyfriends toes, just trying to make new friends. I'm heading out to play pool with people from work, was just going to ask you if you wanted to come along, your bf would be more than welcome too. The more the merrier! "

Or something to that effect. Tells her you're weren't looking to date her and it should ease awkwardness the next time you see her.

Unfortunately it is too late for me to say that to her now but that would have been great had I not seen it sooner, thanks!

MsHolloway wrote: »

Hi op,

To be honest, if it were me I might have assumed you were looking for a date too. The text does sound like trying to sort a date. Maybe in future you should mention more in your text like " Hiya, heading out with friends from work to play pool, should be good craic, you and your boyfriend are more than welcome to come along" .. or something like that.

Why would she think I wanted a date though when we both know she has a boyfriend?? That is what I don’t get….surely only a creep would try to steal someone else’s bf? I told her why I was asking her afterwards and got no reply…maybe I’ll get one after 2 days lol like the last time

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm afraid giving advice or a female perspective on guys issues is not the purpose of the ladies lounge and it wouldn't be fair on the regular posters there if we allowed all the "ladies, need your advice" threads to stay - PI/RI are the advice forums and so posts requesting advice which are not covered by tLL charter will be moved here.

All the best. :cool:

Okay and thanks

sophia25 wrote: »

I too would have assumed you were asking for a date.

Even though the guy knows you have a boyfriend? I really don’t understand that….are there seriously guys out there who do that? I’m certainly not one of them.

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

To be honest I can't for the life of me understand how you would have thought she could have interpreted it any other way?

Because she has a boyfriend and should have no reason to think it is a date.

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

A guy asks a girl for her number - and a couple of days later asks her is she free to meet up ! If that's not a date request then what is?

I asked if she was free but I never stated why as there was no point until she said if she was free or not. Seeing as we both know about her bf I call it being friendly and trying to make more friends seeing as I don’t know many people here.

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

If you actually did want to go out with her romantically, how would you have approached the situation any different to how you actually did?

I would have said something like, are you free on Wed night by any chance because I would love to take you out for dinner / a movie, just the two of us.

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

When I ask a girl out I pretty much do exactly as you did

Ye but would you ask a girl with a bf (or a girl you had no romantic interest in out (on a date that is?) I very much doubt it….

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Society should be that we can have friends both male and female and ask for numbers only for a possible friendship, but unfortunately it just doesn't seem to work that way. .

Most of my friends are female and I have made many in this way, it is my very first time getting the response she gave…..

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I'm afraid I would have interpreted it the same way as her, a guy asks my number and text's me if I have plans for the night. I would assume he was interested in meeting up for a date.

Even though the guy knows you have a boyfriend (and you know that he knows)?

Bottle_of_Smoke

femaleadviceplz wrote: »

OP here – Thanks for all the replies! Sent her 2 texts yesterday to explain bowling and got no reply…I don’t intend on texting her again unless she contacts me and I don’t intend on returning to the bar that she started working in about 2 weeks ago) (which I have been going to since October)



That is the very first thing I said to her when she texted me.



I didn’t think there was any point giving wasting her time by giving her all the details and arrangements if she wasn’t going to be free.



Think I’m just better off not returning to the bar and leaving her in piece. I knew that she has a bf and she knows that I know that she has a bf so she shouldn’t have had any reason to think I wanted her as a bf..mind you she didn’t say that I’m just assuming based on her text that that is what she was thinking.



Unfortunately it is too late for me to say that to her now but that would have been great had I not seen it sooner, thanks!



Why would she think I wanted a date though when we both know she has a boyfriend?? That is what I don’t get….surely only a creep would try to steal someone else’s bf? I told her why I was asking her afterwards and got no reply…maybe I’ll get one after 2 days lol like the last time



Okay and thanks



Even though the guy knows you have a boyfriend? I really don’t understand that….are there seriously guys out there who do that? I’m certainly not one of them.



Because she has a boyfriend and should have no reason to think it is a date.



I asked if she was free but I never stated why as there was no point until she said if she was free or not. Seeing as we both know about her bf I call it being friendly and trying to make more friends seeing as I don’t know many people here.



I would have said something like, are you free on Wed night by any chance because I would love to take you out for dinner / a movie, just the two of us.



Ye but would you ask a girl with a bf (or a girl you had no romantic interest in out (on a date that is?) I very much doubt it….



Most of my friends are female and I have made many in this way, it is my very first time getting the response she gave…..



Even though the guy knows you have a boyfriend (and you know that he knows)?

Are you actually serious? Most men don't give a f*ck if a girl they're interested in has a boyfriend, she only knows you a week so she can only assume you are like most men.

You ask for her number within a week of meeting her, in a pub setting, then ask her if she's free on a particular night, how would that not seem like a date?

If you had of said ''me and a bunch of lads are playing pool, feel free to join'' you might not have got the boyfriend response

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Are you actually serious? Most men don't give a f*ck if a girl they're interested in has a boyfriend, she only knows you a week so she can only assume you are like most men.

You ask for her number within a week of meeting her, in a pub setting, then ask her if she's free on a particular night, how would that not seem like a date?

If you had of said ''me and a bunch of lads are playing pool, feel free to join'' you might not have got the boyfriend response

I am deadly serious. Most men might not give a f*ck but I certainly do. If she wants to think men only want one thing then I'm better off not returning to the bar or contacting her.

Like I said before I didn't want to bother telling her the plan for wednesday night until I found out if she was free first. I didn't see the point. Ah sure it doesn't matter, I'll try make friends elsewhere.

IrishEyes19

femaleadviceplz wrote: »

I am deadly serious. Most men might not give a f*ck but I certainly do. If she wants to think men only want one thing then I'm better off not returning to the bar or contacting her.

Like I said before I didn't want to bother telling her the plan for wednesday night until I found out if she was free first. I didn't see the point. Ah sure it doesn't matter, I'll try make friends elsewhere.

Ah come on, OP, walking away is childish, what else was she supposed to think by a text like that? You've asked for female advice here, the majority have told you they would have thought the same, so what answer are you looking for. Man up to it now, and if the girl is decent and friendly, just explain the situation and I'm sure she'll be fine. I doubt you're the first guy whose asked for her number if she works in a bar.

Danniboo

Firstly, why is she off giving her number to guys she "presumes" has romantic interests in her when she has a bf?

If I were you I would reply saying I know silly there's a group of us heading out we do every Wednesday thought it would be good to get more people involved, bring your bf aswell. Lol, if you thought I wanted to date you why didn't you just tell me you had a bf.

AnonoBoy

Just so you know - if you never go back to the bar then she will definitely think you fancied her.

Just knock in there, have a drink and make a joke out of it.

Say, "Sorry if it came across like I was asking you out! Nah a bunch of us were just hanging out playing pool and I thought you and your boyfriend might wanna join us."

Then order a pint, sit down and it's 'as you were'.

Distorted

femaleadviceplz wrote: »

I am deadly serious. Most men might not give a f*ck but I certainly do. If she wants to think men only want one thing then I'm better off not returning to the bar or contacting her.

Like I said before I didn't want to bother telling her the plan for wednesday night until I found out if she was free first. I didn't see the point. Ah sure it doesn't matter, I'll try make friends elsewhere.

Are you looking for psychic friends then? You could contact a female friend like this, but only if you'd known her for quite some time, not just after asking for her number.

I don't know if I believe you. Anyone with any common sense would know the score, and the way you're acting so upset about it, when if you really just wanted her as a friend, you would explain to her and make a joke of it, suggests she was right and you did want more than friendship, and are now acting huffy because you got the brush off.

LegacyUser

DON'T avoid the bar. That makes it look as if you just don't want to go to your "local" because you were rejected. And you weren't - have you ever thought that maybe she wants to be friends but her boyfriend put a stop to it? Also, don't send her any more texts. That makes it look as if you're trying too hard. Walk into the bar, order your drink, be friendly, and if you REALLY feel like you have to straighten things out (although in my humble opinion you've done enough), then call her to one side and say something like "hey - sorry if I made you feel awkward when I texted you, no hard feelings?" and leave it at that. Dunno why she gave you her number in the first place to be honest, but then again some people interpret texts differently. I'd probably have assumed you were asking me out too, but your later texts should have cleared that up. "If she wants to think men only want one thing, then I'm better off not returning to the bar or contacting her" - eh, DON'T contact her, but do return to the bar. Why should you care what she thought? It was a misunderstanding, you tried to clear it up. Leave it at that and enjoy your pints.

kingtut

OP if she thinks men are only after one thing then I'd forget about her to be honest! She made it clear that she had a boyfriend and so she had no reason to think you were asking her on a date.

Chin up and don't feel bad! You did NOTHING wrong! I wouldn't stop going to the bar because of her but hey if you do find another bar you might make more friends there Where are you out of curiousity?

Cheap Thrills!

OP, I'm not sure if you're incredibly naive or were asking her out, got rejected and are now clumsily trying to cover your tracks.

To clarify:
Of course she thought you were asking her out.
Men who show an interest in a woman ARE generally after one thing. You say you're not, but she's not a mind reader.
Her having a BF wouldn't mean a thing to many cheeky types.
You say you're different but lol OP, they ALL say that!

If you were asking her out and got rejected, don't be using this 'friends' business as a cover-up story. It's not really that believable.

Go back to the bar. So what if she thinks you are interested in her. Doesn't matter. Brazen it out. The world keeps turning!!!