My sons dad has died

LegacyUser

I'm a regular user but going unreg for this.

My son's dad died yesterday. He was 42 and had cancer.

the situation is my son is almost 11 and has never met his dad. I have been as honest with him as I could ever be, telling him that his dad and I fought alot, were better off apart and that he decided to move to another country after we split. I will never tell him about the awful letters I got from his dad, claiming he wasn't his father, his forcing me to get a dna test which proved he was, or the general abuse I got from his dad from his birth until he moved away when my son was about 2.

His dad came home to die and was in a hospice quite close to me over the past few months. None of his family contacted me (or my son) to let us know - i found out through a friend who works at the hospice believe it or not. I had no contact from his family at all - no 'building bridges' stuff...no inclination that he might want to finally meet his son. The only information I've recieved is through my friend, who knew him quite well when we were in a relationship.

I want to keep my feelings out of this post so apologies if I sound quite cold..I'll deal with my own feelings in my own way. My question is really should I tell my son his dad has died now, while there is an opportunity for him to attend the funeral and say goodbye? Or do I leave it for when he's older, tell him more about his dad then and try to explain why I didn't tell him when he was a ten year old???

For what it's worth, my son rarely asks about his dad...seems very well adjusted to life growing up without a dad. He's never experienced the death of someone close yet and I'm concerned that telling him now might completely confuse him - between how he actually feels (at the loss of someone he never knew) and how society thinks he should feel (at the loss of his father).

Advice please?

metrovelvet

I think you should tell him even if he hasnt verbalised an interest. You never know, your son could be thinking about it every day for the last god knows how long.

You cant worry about society telling him how he should feel. This happens to kids who lose a parent young even when the parent was active and a lot of false pity follows suit.

TBH I think a dead father is better than a father who doesn't want you. At least the death forces you to accept they are gone and eliminates any false hope and expectations.

LegacyUser

thank you metrovelvet.

i absolutely agree that a dead dad is better than a dad who doesn't care (for the child). my son talks to me about anything and everything - i often bring his dad up in conversation, he'll ask a few questions, and that's it.

i can honestly say that he's not a deep child at all. it sometimes annoys me that he wants to tell me any, and every aspect of his day...and long may this last!! having had a difficult relationship with my own parents, im aware that there are things hes hiding from me of course. but honestly, as much as his dad is a mystery to him, he's never met him, he has no memory of what its like to have a dad so its not like he misses his dad (he has actually said ths to me on a few occasions).

there is a part of me that just doesnt want to let this opportunity pass in some ways...because i feel this could be a goodbye for him (my son). and yet there is the other part of me that would prefer to ignore it.
I dont know. I need to figure this out in the next 24 hours unfortunately because there is a crematorium to attend (or not) before friday.

kerryman12

Hi Op

My knee jerk reaction would be to say tell him, bring him to the funeral - just for him and funk the rest of them.

But the more I think about it I dont think the first introduction for him to his father in years should be in a graveyard.

I know I dont need to tell you this but at 11 he is starting to grow up a bit and I dont think that keeping it from him at this age would be a good think. If you were to decide that say at 13 he was old enough he might not appreciate the distinction.

His dad came home to die and was in a hospice quite close to me over the past few months. None of his family contacted me (or my son) to let us know - i found out through a friend who works at the hospice believe it or not. I had no contact from his family at all - no 'building bridges' stuff...no inclination that he might want to finally meet his son. The only information I've recieved is through my friend, who knew him quite well when we were in a relationship.

I am in awe of this, a very poor reflection on all - not you of course OP.

He's never experienced the death of someone close yet and I'm concerned that telling him now might completely confuse him

I dont want to sound harsh in this case, but I dont think that you can expect him to react as if this was someone he was very close to - as in someone he grew up around - unlces/aunts/grandparents. But of course this man was his father and I would expect him to be confused, act out what ever. All you can do is work through it with him.

I guess I would suggest to you that you should take your son aside and talk to him about this. Tell him his dad has passed. I think you should control your sons introduction to the funeral/graveyard as you see fit, and based on how well you think he will deal with it.

Hope this helps, Best of luck

blue5000

You are in awkward situation, if you don't tell him now when will you tell him?

Also you won't get a second chance to let your son go to his father's funeral. I suggest taking him to part of it, it will give your son a chance to meet some of his relatives. You don't have to build any bridges now, funerals are hard on everybody.

I hope it works out for you.

mvt

Think you would have to tell your son that his father(and just that;he was never his Dad) is dead and maybe offer him the choice of attending the cremation.I know he is young but he is still entitled to know and it might lead to problems further down the road if you don't tell him.
Wouldn't think it would be any loss if he doesnt go or never meets any of the fathers family.They had plenty of time to get in touch but didnt bother.
From the sounds of it it would seem that your boy has figured out the situation already in his head and knows the truth of it better than his age would suggest.
Best of luck with it,whatever decision you take will be the right one.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from PI, think you'll get more advice here OP.

All the best. :cool:

Chuchu

Wow my heart goes out to you, what an emotional time, and I really admire you trying to deal with this is such a rational way as I am sure your own emotions are all over the place.
If it were me I'd be thinking more like another poster said re. knee jerk reactions... take him, you don't want to have any regrets when the time is past. And you could use it as an opportunity to talk to him about being respectful... you are going out of respect (i.e. no that you respect him or should do given what happend, but that it is the right thing to do, he was his father after all and your son has the right to make up his own mind about him in due course) Vs mourning for someone he did not know or have an emotional connection with... hope you get through this difficult time as best you can.

old_aussie

Tell him about his dad's death straight away.

Take him to the funeral and give him the chance to "say goodbye".

Mothman

mvt wrote: »

Think you would have to tell your son that his father(and just that;he was never his Dad) is dead and maybe offer him the choice of attending the cremation.I know he is young but he is still entitled to know and it might lead to problems further down the road if you don't tell him.
Wouldn't think it would be any loss if he doesnt go or never meets any of the fathers family.They had plenty of time to get in touch but didnt bother.
From the sounds of it it would seem that your boy has figured out the situation already in his head and knows the truth of it better than his age would suggest.
Best of luck with it,whatever decision you take will be the right one.

Somes up my opinion.
I advise giving him choice to attend funeral, but in reality there may be nothing for him to say goodbye too and currently there may be nothing for your son to gain by attending and being among his father's extended family.

From my own experience of having children, there is usually nothing to be gained from withholding info, it usually backfires and erodes trust, and going back to my own childhood, information regarding my parents was withheld from me and this was not for the best.

seamus

+1 on mvt and Mothman.

Can't give anything useful, but I'd be concerned that if you were to withhold the information now, it could cause hassle when you reveal the information to your son later on. He might think then that you prevented him from knowing his father before his death or that you were otherwise withholding information.
If you're honest with him now, there'll be no possible distrust in future.

liliq

+1 on mothman as well.
I'd tell your son about his father's death, and give him the choice whether to go to the funeral or not.
It will of course raise mixed emotions for him, but from the sounds of it your son has no hesitation is telling you everything, so it would seem that you can be confident that he will talk through any of his confusion or mixed feelings with you.

What an awful situation for you to be in OP. My heart goes out to you.

I would have to agree with the majority of posters, it is best that you tell your son. I would disagree with a few of those who say bring him to the funeral, though I am probably taking them up wrong, I would speak to him about it and see if he wants to go.

You seem to have a good relationship with your son, and he seems to trust you, keeping something like this from him could potentially damage that trust and that would be awful for both of you.

On a side note OP, your friend should not have given you this information as it is confidential, however I fully understand why she did, just bear this in mind and keep how you found out to yourself

Best of luck.

metrovelvet

Just on another note OP, by the time someone is in a hospice they are probably not well enough to make any requests or compus mentus enough to possibly be aware they had kids. My father didnt recognise me many times, and that was just when he was sick and before he was even considered for a hospice. By the time hospice time comes they are shells of what they used to be.

So take it with a big chunk of salt that on his deathbed he didn't ask about his son or for his son.

Let it be up to your son if he wants to go to the funeral or not and I would just be on guard about the rest of the family, they might be defensive or guilty or worried about their inheritance if they see his son show up. Sorry to be crass but people do get like this unfortunately.

This is terribly sad and I cant imagine what YOU might be feeling right now.

LegacyUser

I don't understand the comment about confidentiality?

What information is confidential? My friend only told me he was dying and in the hospice where she worked, then rang me when he finally passed - not sure what your point is?

I kept him off school today and I told him. it's been a very emotional morning for both of us - me finally being able to cry in front of him, and him trying to comfort me! he has decided for himself that he doesn't want to go. He said it would be 'weird' to go to a place and see his aunts and uncles and granny and they wouldn't know who he was. he spoke about that alot...that seems to be the biggest hurdle for him - walking into a chapel where his 'family' will be and yet, they won't know him. He asked if maybe he could meet some of them today, and then he'd feel better going there tomorrow. Unfortunately, that's not something I can do for him.

so we spoke alot. Well I did more of the speaking..he listened alot. He said he'd like to visit his grave someday, but of course, there will be no grave persay, so he's a bit disappointed about that. I told him there might be a plaque on a wall in the crematorium that we could go to...but his brother died two years ago and has no plaque, his ashes were scattered so it's possible this might happen to his dad.

He's upstairs playing playstation now...he's normally quite an emotional kid but he's been looking at me like Im mad all morning saying 'but mam, I didn't even KNOW him...how can I cry for someone I didn't even know'...

he had decided not to tell his 'mates' or teacher about this just yet - he says he doesn't want to be the kid in the yard who's dad died yesterday....his mates of course, know his situation, so I kinda get where he's coming from on this one. A girl in his class dad died last year and you can imagine the reaction from the class for weeks (so he tells me). I will speak to his teacher about this, but ask her to keep it private for now.

he may change his mind, but I won't force the issue - so he's decided not to go and I have to accept his decision.

the_syco

unregistered wrote: »

I don't understand the comment about confidentiality?

What information is confidential? My friend only told me he was dying and in the hospice where she worked, then rang me when he finally passed - not sure what your point is?

She told you as a friend to a friend. If the rest of his family found out that you found out from her, they may complain to her boss, and get her into trouble.

Naming no names would be better than naming your friend, who in all honestly, went out on a limb to tell you.

caseyann

Hi OP very sorry to hear of your sad news and hard situation.You are right you just dont know whats going through your child's mind.He seems very mature and well adjusted smart young man.I could understand him not having much sadness for someone who never took part in his life.It will be ofc as he may have imagined meeting him some day.But you sound like you have done a amazing job rearing him.And you sound like you are doing everything that is best for your child and yourself which is all you can do.Let him know you are there for him to speak with you and if he feels any upset it is ok to feel this and is only natural.
My cousin had similar circumstances as you but her son was alot younger when his father passed.
They were not on speaking terms with any of the family or the father( if you want to call him that) But after the death i dont mean to worry you.But they started trying to have contact with her son.Just wanted you to prepared for possibility.
Good luck with all and much happiness and good health to you and your family.

seamus

caseyann wrote: »

But they started trying to have contact with her son.Just wanted you to prepared for possibility.

Thankfully her son appears to be mature and level-headed enough to be open to this, even suggesting a meeting himself.

I think you've gotten the best outcome that you can out of such a difficult situation to deal with. You should maybe be prepared for the possibility that this may hit him years later when he's a teenager searching for himself. A lot of people only find themselves looking to get to know their estranged parents when they themselves are grown up, and your son may feel some sadness at not being able to do that. But I think if you continue to speak openly with your son and not be afraid to discuss his father's death, then you will both be fine.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

I don't understand the comment about confidentiality?

What information is confidential? My friend only told me he was dying and in the hospice where she worked, then rang me when he finally passed - not sure what your point is?

Sorry for the confusion, what I meant, as the_syco has clarified, is that she shouldn't have given you any information about a patient as this would breach her confidentiality agreement with the hospice. I work in a hospital so that is the only reason it even came into my head, and fwiw, I would have done the same, I was just pointing out that you should be careful not to name her as the person who told you (if you are asked) as you could get her into trouble. Sorry if it seemed insensitive.


Also, just to say, your son sounds like a very bright and intelligent little boy. You have done the right thing and he will thank you for it in years to come

LegacyUser

Oh ok, now I understand. I didn't realise it was breaking a confidentiality tbh, so thanks for that. I know some people who would still have been in contact with him so if I'm ever asked, I'll just say I heard it from someone else.

Yes, i guess in some ways he's quite mature. hes always been very accepting of his dad just not being in the picture. I was often grateful that he wasn't a dad that had sporadic visits here and there as ive seen how that can affect children.

he's asked if he can sleep in my bed tonight however, and this is something he hasn't done since he was about 6. its obviously affecting him in some way but he seems to be coping well so far.

metrovelvet

He must at some level be dealing with the loss of the abstraction of a father.

Also, death does bring our own mortlity closer to us, so its understandable.

It also begs the question, if my father has died, my mother could do, and that becomes your next greatest fear.

Mr. Presentable

Tough one. His dad is dead. Even if he didn't know him that's a significant relative to lose. I suppose I'd tell him and let him decide how he wants to respond.

caseyann

seamus wrote: »

Thankfully her son appears to be mature and level-headed enough to be open to this, even suggesting a meeting himself.

I think you've gotten the best outcome that you can out of such a difficult situation to deal with. You should maybe be prepared for the possibility that this may hit him years later when he's a teenager searching for himself. A lot of people only find themselves looking to get to know their estranged parents when they themselves are grown up, and your son may feel some sadness at not being able to do that. But I think if you continue to speak openly with your son and not be afraid to discuss his father's death, then you will both be fine.

Not my business but should they after not bothering to take part in his life for these number of years and not even bothering to ask him to come see his father before he died,or at least give him that option seem like caring grandparents.Not to make this about my cousin,but when it happened with her.They used her son to project their loss on him and caused no end of upset for her son and herself and family.
So i only mentioned it for her own sake and his to be prepared for what is coming,hopefully they are alot more upstanding kind people compared to my cousins situation which they weren't.And she had to get rid of them in harsh ways.
People who get involved with their grandchildren lives after a number of years not even checking up on them imo have no right to ask for it now.
I agree with you on the as long as he knows he can have that option if it is there,which doesn't even seem to be case as they haven't even invited her to the funeral or passed on the information he has passed away.And for them to then turn up looking for him i would tell them to sling their hook.But in same let the son know when he is old enough to make clear judgement for himself or mature enough in her opinion to allow him to contact if he wishes.




Hey OP it sounds like has not sunk in for him completely, and he is probably shuffling it all around in his head.As long as you are there for him and reassure him and keep being the great mother you obviously are he is lucky as you are from what i have read to have such a lovely son.

LegacyUser

caseyann wrote: »

Hey OP it sounds like has not sunk in for him completely, and he is probably shuffling it all around in his head.As long as you are there for him and reassure him and keep being the great mother you obviously are he is lucky as you are from what i have read to have such a lovely son.

thank u. i think we all believe our kids are wonderful, but seriously, my kid is ;-)

i agree with alot of what you've said about the possibility of his dad's family making contact and the reprecussions that might have - for both of us. personally, i feel it's all too little too late but i have alot of faith and i believe that if it's to be, it will be.

Having said that, im also on the other side of this story. I have a brother who acted similarly towards his own son, who's now 23. over the years, i tried to keep in touch with his mam here and there, just to let her know if she ever wanted contact, she could find me. she regularly told me she appreciated it (even when i wasn't in contact) but that she had decided to raise her son without knowing his dad (my brother) because his dad had decided he didn't want to know him, so she thought it would be confusing for him to know an aunt.
That 'boy' is now 23 and i guess times were diffrent back then. she has recently 'friended' me on facebook and we chat here and there - just about my nephew mostly.

ive never had contact from any of my sons aunts or uncles - they could contact me if they wanted to over the years (they know people I know) but they never did.

we'll see. for now, my priority is my son who is now in my bed reading his latest book, shouting down the stairs for me to hurry up!! But keeping me under strict instructions never to tell anyone he's sleeping in my bed tonight lol!!

he still doesn't want to go tomorrow and im keeping him off school again, and taking another sick day from work. im sure we'll get through this.

FoxT

OP, first off my commiserations, I am sorry that things have turned out this way.
At this point I suggest that the highest priority is your son, and the quality of the relationship you have with him.

I suggest you let your son know the situation - ie you had a v. difficult r'ship with his dad, and also that you have just found out his dad has died.

I think your son is old enough to be offered a decision, whether to attend the funeral or not. He may well be unsure of what best to do, and if you are both unsure, maybe it would be best to attend the ceremony.

I think that the risks you run by offering him this decision now, are less in the long term than the risks you run by saying nothing. Far better to be open with him, and offer him a choice, in order to maintain the mutuak trust that you seem to have.

No matter what you decide, see if you can take some time out with him to explore how he feels.

Best of luck , FoxT

wolfpawnat

OP, I know you and the father didn't have a great relationship, but I am sorry for your loss, he is the man you once had some feelings for and the one that gave you such a lovely boy.

You say that you and your son have an open and honest relationship, it is good ye could talk about this.

The worst case scenario is he truly does see this man as a random stranger as does not mourn him, or he feels sad that his father didn't bother to even ask to see him when he was sick, and though both of these are horrible for your son (and indeed yourself) you can keep your head held high that you were honest and supportive of him regardless and he will always remember that.

*hugs* and let us know how it goes, we are here to listen

Cat Melodeon

He sounds like a great kid OP. Also sounds like he might be in your bed for your benefit rather than his. He doesn't have an emotional attachment to his father but is aware that you are upset - this has churned the whole thing up for you and you are bound to be grieving for what was and what could have been and what never was. Your son is clued in to you, he's not suffering himself but he is concerned about you. His decision not to attend the funeral service is the right one. You could be exposing him to hostility and raw grief from his father's relatives. At least this way he might still have a fuzzy notion that they might be decent people, and maybe in years to come they will become decent people, who knows. But turning up with him at the funeral when they clearly want nothing to do with either of you could provoke a hostile rejection of your son. Spare him that. If you need closure, go to the funeral alone.