Dumped due to performance anxiety!

LegacyUser

Hey guys up to last week i was going out with a girl for a short period of time but got recently dumped. Long story short when it came to sex, i got performance anxiety and failed to get it up. Was dumped a few days later but she claimed it wasn't because of this but she went cold with me after it happened even though days before, according to her she was "really happy to be with me". Never happened before, just liked the girl so much that i wanted the sex to be good for her but thinking about too much caused me to fail. So annoyed with myself.

What i'm asking is, if most would girls do this or would they give the guy another chance or at least talk to him about it?

IrishEyes19

Did this happen just once to you?

If she dumped you because it happened just once, then the girl is clearly shallow and not worth it, OP. Everyone gets nerves at some stage.

Or if it's happened a number of times and she didn't even sit down to talk with you, then let her go. She's not worth the upset.

It could be other matters too like a re-appearence of an ex or something. Its such a trivial matter to end a relationship over, especially out of the blue

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here,

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

It happened twice (2 consecutive nights). I was grand with foreplay but the whole fumbling around when she was putting on the condom and over-thinking the situation killed it for me. I must stress this is the first time this has ever happened. I never had any problems in the bedroom before. The thing is, i have had numerous one night stands with girls i wasn't into and never had problems getting it up. But with this girl, i was totally crazy about her. She was beautiful and kind so that's why i'm so pissed off with myself for not functioning properly as she was expecting.

Permabear wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

That, i totally agree with. First time sex with a new partner is normally not going to be mind-blowing. You have to learn what makes each other tick and that only comes with practice.

Is it possible for women to suffer from performance anxiety? She was pretty reserved during foreplay. My last girlfriend used to take control and it took the pressure off a bit.

Permabear wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

This is definitely not the case as i i apologised afterwards told her i was mad about her and she told me she was crazy for me and it didn't matter. But after the second time she got cold with me and made excuses not to meet up where before she was mad to meet up.

Permabear wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I met her out and drunkenly told her the reason behind it, telling her i was nervous and she said she knew. She then said she wasn't that shallow that she would break up with me for that but because she was busy with projects in work! I know she is only saying that to let me down easy because she had no trouble balancing me and work at the same time before!
How can someone be completely mad about someone and then just turn off their feelings a few days later? This is really wrecking my head! Have any girls here experienced this with a guy?

thefeatheredcat

Performance anxiety is normal. It happens, and yeah it's happened to me a few times with guys, and well, I have to admit with a guy I really, really liked I was so self-conscious of myself and anxious about it that I put it off for a while, but talked about it.

EmbarrassedGuy wrote: »

What i'm asking is, if most would girls do this or would they give the guy another chance or at least talk to him about it?

It depends on the person and experience imo... from myself I'd give reassurance at the time so that the guy knows that there's nothing to be embarrassed of, because that's true, and talk about it and would prefer to know they're comfortable and happy for the next time rather than be stressed or anxious about it further by not talking about it.

Stu

Mate, i really feel for you there. But to be perfectly honest with you, i don't think shes as into you as you initially might have thought. Trust me, if she was as mad about you as you are about her, she would have given you plenty of time and encouragement to work through your anxieties especially given the fact that you explained to her that it was performance anxiety because you really fancy her that stopped you getting it up.

She knows that you are mad about her so its not about her feeling rejected, she knows you were nervous. She not the one for you, so if i was you i'd forget about her and forget about not getting it up, its very common and nothing to be unduly worried about. The right girl won't do a runner.

zxcvbnm1

Stu wrote: »

Mate, i really feel for you there. But to be perfectly honest with you, i don't think shes as into you as you initially might have thought. Trust me, if she was as mad about you as you are about her, she would have given you plenty of time and encouragement to work through your anxieties especially given the fact that you explained to her that it was performance anxiety because you really fancy her that stopped you getting it up.

She knows that you are mad about her so its not about her feeling rejected, she knows you were nervous. She not the one for you, so if i was you i'd forget about her and forget about not getting it up, its very common and nothing to be unduly worried about. The right girl won't do a runner.

+1 to this.

In future if you get nervous just use Viagra. That's not a joke by the way. It will relieve you of any stress and it really works.
Something to keep in mind.

whatsamsn

Stu wrote: »

Mate, i really feel for you there. But to be perfectly honest with you, i don't think shes as into you as you initially might have thought. Trust me, if she was as mad about you as you are about her, she would have given you plenty of time and encouragement to work through your anxieties especially given the fact that you explained to her that it was performance anxiety because you really fancy her that stopped you getting it up.

She knows that you are mad about her so its not about her feeling rejected, she knows you were nervous. She not the one for you, so if i was you i'd forget about her and forget about not getting it up, its very common and nothing to be unduly worried about. The right girl won't do a runner.

Exactly what I was going to write.
So op to hell with her. These are the actions of a girl who wasnt that bothered with you and quite frankly a bi*ch.

beks101

whatsamsn wrote: »

These are the actions of a girl who wasnt that bothered with you and quite frankly a bi*ch.

I think that's a bit harsh to be honest, maybe as Stu suggested she just wasn't into the OP enough to want to work on sex with him or hang around and wait for things to improve, that's her prerogative. Maybe she was also feeling a bit insecure, unduly of course but this can be a confidence-bashing thing for a woman too.

OP I've not been in this exact situation but I've had the instance of seeing someone, getting down to business and there's just not as much of a spark between the sheets as I had hoped and it sort of killed my interest. I don't mean this to make you feel worse, but sometimes the sex thing can be an eye-opener about your real feelings or lack of for someone and it can change things. It's disappointing but what can you do. It's a let down as you liked her so much but it's not your fault, these things happen and if she's not into you enough to be willing to work on it, you're better off without her.

metrovelvet

Stu wrote: »

Mate, i really feel for you there. But to be perfectly honest with you, i don't think shes as into you as you initially might have thought. Trust me, if she was as mad about you as you are about her, she would have given you plenty of time and encouragement to work through your anxieties especially given the fact that you explained to her that it was performance anxiety because you really fancy her that stopped you getting it up.

She knows that you are mad about her so its not about her feeling rejected, she knows you were nervous. She not the one for you, so if i was you i'd forget about her and forget about not getting it up, its very common and nothing to be unduly worried about. The right girl won't do a runner.

Honestly I think most women, except maybe the most naive or insecure, know this and that beginnings are tender and people are shy and things can take a little time before people fully relax.

Maybe she was nervous or embarrassed too.

i-digress

I'm a woman, and I was with a guy who got performance anxiety more than once, before we managed to have sex. And, like other posters said, I took this as a rejection of me. Surely if he found me sexy and attractive, then he'd be able to keep it up.

After the second time I got upset and talked to him about it. He explained what happened, that he got nervous and it was nothing that I was doing wrong, and that it wasn't that he didn't find me attractive.

I told him we could wait until he felt less nervous, that it didn't bother me once I knew that it wasn't me that was the issue. We managed to have sex the next morning because he knew it wasn't a 'make or break' thing, so he wasn't as nervous.

My point is, I suppose, that we live in a high pressure society where we constantly are told that if we don't live up to certain standards then there's something wrong with us. This might not happen with another girl, and if it does she might be more understanding about it.

IF she dumped you over that, then it says more about her than it does about you. If you were with a girl and on two consecutive nights she was too dry to have sex, would you dump her over it? Most people wouldn't. Same as most girls wouldn't have dumped you over this. You may have felt that you were doing something wrong, however, if she wasn't wet enough. And again, it would probably be nothing to do with you, and all to do with nerves.

If she dumped you over this, it was probably because she felt insecure, no matter what you tell her out of the bedroom.

Stu

No matter how insecure the girl might have been, it isn't a dumping offense. A little bit of maturity was needed here by the girl in question especially as the OP explained that he was mad about her and it was making him nervous.

A girl who still feels insecure and rejected after hearing the above comments should really be dealing with her self esteem issues as opposed to dumping the guy.

As one poster mentioned though, the sexual chemistry may not have been there or she may not have been willing to work on the sexual side of things OP but seriously, don't take it personal. The right girl will just be happy to have you in the sack and nature will eventually take its course.

i-digress

Stu wrote: »

A girl who still feels insecure and rejected after hearing the above comments should really be dealing with her self esteem issues as opposed to dumping the guy.

.

This is so true.

LegacyUser

i-digress wrote: »

IF she dumped you over that, then it says more about her than it does about you. If you were with a girl and on two consecutive nights she was too dry to have sex, would you dump her over it? Most people wouldn't. Same as most girls wouldn't have dumped you over this. You may have felt that you were doing something wrong, however, if she wasn't wet enough. And again, it would probably be nothing to do with you, and all to do with nerves.

If she dumped you over this, it was probably because she felt insecure, no matter what you tell her out of the bedroom.

She definitely wasn't dry but she was a bit reserved in foreplay. When i tried to go down on her she pulled my head up! I see her through mutual friends still the odd time so it's hard to keep my feelings in check. But i'm getting the feeling she's seeing someone else and it's killing me. It's been a few years since i've felt like this about a girl and it's killing me on the inside especially since she will be left with this memory of me (of not getting it up). Worst thing is that she had all these plans for us and said she was into me big time. <snip>

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Both sexes have taken the time to offer you advice, rewarding their efforts with insulting generalisations is completely unnecessary.

LegacyUser

Sorry i wasn't meant to be insulting and i really do appreciate their advice. No offence intended.

i-digress

EmbarrassedGuy wrote: »

She definitely wasn't dry but she was a bit reserved in foreplay. When i tried to go down on her she pulled my head up! I see her through mutual friends still the odd time so it's hard to keep my feelings in check. But i'm getting the feeling she's seeing someone else and it's killing me. It's been a few years since i've felt like this about a girl and it's killing me on the inside especially since she will be left with this memory of me (of not getting it up). Worst thing is that she had all these plans for us and said she was into me big time. <snip>

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I wasn't saying that your partner wasn't wet. I was saying, if the roles were reversed and you were with any girl who couldn't physically have sex, you probably wouldn't have dumped them just over that. Therefore, your partner probably wouldn't have dumped you just over not being able to perform.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, it was meant to be reassuring.