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White lie about my age

  • 09-02-2011 2:46am
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2


    Hi,

    Could really do with some opinions/advice over this mess I've gotten myself into! It's fairly embarrassing and I can't really talk to anyone about it.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and when we first met, I "lied" to him about my real age. I'm always vague in regards to the number and will never give a specific age. I'll say something like, "I'll be celebrating my 21st again this year!" or "I've decided to just skip ahead to 31 and avoid the dreaded 30th!". Just something that implies I'm not too comfortable talking about my age.

    At the time, I was 25 and when he asked, I told him that I'd decided to be 18 and he didn't question me any further, which is usually what happens and I gave it no more thought. The problem is, he literally took it that I was 18 and I didn't realise this until many months later when, ironically, we were celebrating his birthday with all of his friends and his brother.

    That was when I should've come clean, the first time it became apparent he'd taken it to heart and told everyone else, but I didn't; I completely panicked. I ended up "confirming" that I was 18! If we'd been alone, I would've corrected him, but because his friends and family were around, I got all flustered because it was not something I expected! I don't "act" the age I allude to, it's a one time comment - I don't go around saying, "I can't wait to be 21!" or "I hate being over 30!" - I don't keep pushing whatever number it is onto people, I say it and forget it.

    I can't tell you why I still haven't confessed. I was mortfied to begin with and now I just feel like the worst person ever! I suppose the longer time has gone on, the harder it's become to say something. Every time I tried, my mind would drift back to the night I'd lied directly to everyone he knows, and I figured it was too late to backtrack.

    I'd started carrying around my passport everywhere in the hope he'd want to see the picture and notice my DOB. I've purposely left out letters and documents with my DOB on in broad view and dropped many hints about the subject, but he's never picked up on these things, so now, I've decided to face the situation head-on and just blurt it out.

    Does this seem like something he/you might be able to forgive and can anyone advise me on how to approach the subject? Do I just come out and say, "Hi, I totally lied about my age." or should I build up to the confession? X


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,740 ✭✭✭Asphyxia


    I would be pretty angry if I was lied to period. You really should confront him and tell him everything and tell him how your feeling. I don't think I could break up with someone over but everyone is different.

    It's better to suck it up and just tell him rather than living in fear about it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I'm a bit confused by all of this. I'd hardly deem 25 a shameful age that's old enough to try and hide...God save us all if that's the case! I'm 25 and even in a nightclub or pub setting, I'd never try to conceal it, I'm young and don't need to pretend to be any younger! I sincerely hope this has more to do with insecurity over your boyfriend being younger than you, which I assume is the case, rather than a general insecurity you have.

    That said, there's a damn sight of difference between an 18 year old and a 25 year old - physically, emotionally, intellectually etc. And no matter how young you look, if your boyfriend hasn't copped you're a good bit older, (and indeed it hasn't cropped up in the year+ you've been together - something else I'm confused by) I'd theorise that age isn't all that important to him and he just took the number you first gave him at face value.

    You're just going to have to sit him down and calmly explain exactly how a series of miscommunications has allowed it to go on this long but that you're actually older than he thinks you are. It's better he hears it from you than from someone else, which is going to happen eventually if you don't address it now. Who knows, maybe it's something you'll both laugh about looking back on it down the line.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83 ✭✭thebigleap


    Yep, I'm confused too....as an 18 year old, wouldn't you still be in school? As a 25 year old, I assume you're working or on the dole, but at any rate you'd be much further down the road than a teenager would be?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 645 ✭✭✭chicken fingers


    I once had a 32 year old GF lie and say she was 24, then she lied again and said she was really 28. Headwreker tbh, she was very very goodlooking but I left her because of the lies.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 387 ✭✭gimme5minutes


    Why are you making such a big deal out of your age when your only 25 anyway, jesus.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Squiggler


    OP, you're in a relationship with this guy so you're just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him. You could tell him that you're extremely flattered that he belived that you were so young. Then explain that you aren't comfortable discussing your age with people you don't know and usually give an obviously incorrect answer. Just tell him the truth.

    If you are going to be evasive about your age in future maybe do it in a way that is very obvious.

    My Mum was 56 from the age of 20 or so - until she turned 56, and decided it didn't matter so much to her anymore. If someone who really doesn't need to know (or is just being nosy) asks me my age I either say 2 or 98, something rediculous.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    This is very strange tbh.

    So he thinks you're about 18/19.

    Does he never ask things like how long you've been in your job? How long you've been driving? Have you never even let slip - in the course of normal conversation - that you did x, y or z 'years ago' and this would surely imply you're much older than 18?

    You just need to come out and tell him the truth at this stage. You've dug a hole and it's only going to get deeper. And as already posted above, why did you feel the need to lie about your age in the first place??


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    This is very strange tbh.

    So he thinks you're about 18/19.

    Does he never ask things like how long you've been in your job? How long you've been driving? Have you never even let slip - in the course of normal conversation - that you did x, y or z 'years ago' and this would surely imply you're much older than 18?

    You just need to come out and tell him the truth at this stage. You've dug a hole and it's only going to get deeper. And as already posted above, why did you feel the need to lie about your age in the first place??

    + 1 to all of this!

    Are you vague regarding everything? Surely your life story doesn't add up to him if you're chatting to him about graduating from school, bands and tv shows you liked, how long you've been working, different jobs you've had, holidays you've been on etc.
    Does he not wonder why all your friends are "older" than you? How do you get away with it in front of your parents and siblings? Within the first few months of my relationship my parents were pulling out photos of me as a baby, with dates on them etc.
    You HAVE to tell him the truth. It's not up to him to snoop in your documents or check your passport to find out. Take responsibility for yourself and your lie and tell him.
    How old is he? I would say he's be fairly pissed off with you, and would imagine that he will feel very naive and that you were laughing at him behind his back so prepare for this not to go too well.
    Good luck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,064 ✭✭✭Distorted


    My guess is that he knows roughly your correct age anyway. No-one could mistake someone of 25 or older for 18 for such a long time unless they too were very strange. As pointed out, there would be questions about job and school and so on. And your friends - wouldn't they all just be starting their first jobs and university? Perhaps he doesn't care and knows it upsets you and hasn't made an issue of it. Anyway, you should tell him asap, you might not get the reaction you are worried about.

    Some people are less worked up about these things than others. That journalist who used to be married to Chris Evans, I forget her name, has a much younger boyfriend. Apparantly they both lied to each other about their ages for their first few dates, her saying she was younger, he older. I also have a friend who was mistaken by her now husband as being the same age as him when they first met, when she was actually 12 years older, and she didn't correct him until a couple of months had passed, and he didn't care. I've also heard of a friend of a friend who took 5 years of his age and it split them up when he told his girlfriend, but I think there were other lies involved too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2 Ironically


    Hi,

    Thank you for all of your replies.

    Firstly, my age honestly is the only thing I'm vague about. I have Bipolar and it destroyed my life for many years. I had an apprenticeship with a hairdressing college, a fantastic job, great friends, a long-term boyfriend and my life was a very, very happy one; but at 18 the Bipolar hit its peak and everything came crashing down around me. Before I knew where I was, I'd lost everything that made me who I was.

    Each year that passed, I felt even more bitter that I still wasn't well enough to start rebuilding my life and I would get myself into a total state about it all. I suppose I had nothing else in my life to concentrate on so little things, such as my age, became a huge deal. That's why I'm uncomfortable with it and why I'd much rather not focus on the real number, no matter how petty that may seem to other people, it does make me feel a bit better.

    The above is also why it's believeable for me to be younger than I am, because I have effectively achieved nothing that someone my age should've. In fact, the very reasons stated in this thread over how it's insane he hasn't noticed I'm older, are the very reasons I lie in the first place. I didn't finish college or go to university and I don't work. I've never had driving lessons, least of all own a car. My older friends gave up on me long ago and I don't have my own place. I absolutely hate having to explain this to people and unfortunately, as I do look younger, I'm still asked my age and then the surprised comments are followed by questions about my life which I'd rather avoid. So, I figured, if I don't give an age to people, they'll have no basis on which to form an opinion on what I should be doing with myself at this point.

    Perhaps it's hard for others to understand, but rather than pretend I'm "normal", I'm vague about a number and I genuinely believed this to be far better than inventing a story. The true story is very difficult to explain to strangers.

    Maybe it'll make more sense to people now, maybe you'll just think I'm even more of a weirdo, but I didn't do this with the intention of hurting anyone, my motives weren't sinister and I could not be more sorry.

    As for the subject not being brought up by my family, they're aware of how I feel and they suitably avoid mentioning my age. X


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  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    You have to tell him. Because this will come out, one way or another, and its better if you have control of when it does.

    So tell him what happened, exactly how you have here, with the details of why, as well. As always with things like this you have to just put your cards on the table and hope it works out. You have nothing to gain by doing anything else, the longer you leave it the bigger an issue it becomes. You need your partner in life to be someone you can relax and be honest with, so you dont need this hanging over you. Deal with his reaction as and when it happens.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I didn't finish college or go to university and I don't work. I've never had driving lessons, least of all own a car. My older friends gave up on me long ago and I don't have my own place. I absolutely hate having to explain this to people and unfortunately, as I do look younger, I'm still asked my age and then the surprised comments are followed by questions about my life which I'd rather avoid. So, I figured, if I don't give an age to people, they'll have no basis on which to form an opinion on what I should be doing with myself at this point.

    Sorry but this still doesn't make any sense! Leaving aside, education, driving, job etc, there is a huge difference between an 18 year old woman and a 25/26 year old woman! On a maturity level, it just doesn't make any sense, there are loads of 25/26 yr old woman out there who never went to college and are unemployed, and who don't drive?! You still don't mistake these women for 18 year olds! Especially as you have life experience, had a fantastic job, friends etc, there's no way anyone would mistake a 25 yr old for an 18 year old!!

    So either your boyfriends incredibly dim, or he knows you lie about your age and its a touchy subject and so hasn't brought it up.

    Just tell him, if you can't even tell your real age to the man you're in love with well then what's the point in being with him?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    Sorry but this still doesn't make any sense! Leaving aside, education, driving, job etc, there is a huge difference between an 18 year old woman and a 25/26 year old woman! On a maturity level, it just doesn't make any sense, there are loads of 25/26 yr old woman out there who never went to college and are unemployed, and who don't drive?! You still don't mistake these women for 18 year olds! Especially as you have life experience, had a fantastic job, friends etc, there's no way anyone would mistake a 25 yr old for an 18 year old!!

    So either your boyfriends incredibly dim, or he knows you lie about your age and its a touchy subject and so hasn't brought it up.

    Just tell him, if you can't even tell your real age to the man you're in love with well then what's the point in being with him?

    I think quite honestly, why the OP did this is not pivotal here. She has her own reasons and having revealed she suffers from bi Polar, I think its safe to assume she has other issues to deal with which led to this.

    OP, best thing to do is tell the guy, Im not sure how he will react, I myself would be shocked if my OH came out with this, but you have to take the risk I'm afraid. I hope he is understanding and forgives you. All the best.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    I'm assuming your boyfriend knows all about your bipolar? If so, tell him truthfully (using your explanation above) as to why you were vague about your age and he will understand.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,145 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Ah op now it makes much more sense. My ex was bipolar and I do understand how the years dealing with it can take you off the standard route so the standard 'achievements' can take longer.

    Does your boyfriend know you are bipolar? Has he read up on the subject and does he understand?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think quite honestly, why the OP did this is not pivotal here. She has her own reasons and having revealed she suffers from bi Polar, I think its safe to assume she has other issues to deal with which led to this.
    ????

    i think you may have misunderstood me, i wasn't questioning her reasons for not telling her bf, when i said it didn't make sense, i just meant it didn't make sense that her bf would think that a 24 yr old is an 18 yr old, regardless of her past issues, it's just bizarre that a grown man couldn't tell the difference between an 18 yr old and a 24 yr old ...its just very odd :/


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