Did anyone here cut out their mum from their life?

albeit

Hi!

I have many reasons, both old and knew, that have prompted me to make the decision to cut all ties with my mum.

It needs to be done, as her actions are severely damaging m life and I cannot trust her.

Still, I love her, I wish I had her back as (I thought?) she was when I was about 3 years old. I feel sometimes some kind of grief, like if I am longing for talking to her on the phone if something has happened, or if I need to talk to someone, and then I remember what she has recently done to me and how I really do not trust her anymore. I miss her, as I wish she was. Or maybe I miss her; the person I thought she was....

seenitall

OP, don't do it. It is obvious from your post that it is not possible for you to completely disconnect emotionally from your mother, and thus the consequences of this drastic decision will gnaw at you, and you may possibly even feel a lot of guilt around it, if my own experience is anything to go by (and I never even did anything drastic like that in the first place, I just ran away basically - very far away, but kept in touch).

You haven't supplied a whole lot of information there so I can't offer much more in way of advice, but if I were you, I would consider definitely making a change but not going the whole hog, so to speak. As long as you can be certain in your own mind about your boundaries and what kind of behaviour you will and won't accept from her, you can then implement those into your own behaviour and that should do the trick. For example, if she is a drama queen constantly wanting your attention and bringing unwanted grief into your life all the time (just an example), tell her that from now on you will be so busy with leading your own life that you can only ever find time to talk to her and catch up on Wednsday nights, or every first Tuesday in a month. For all other times, screen the calls and ignore her. Stick to it. That's setting boundaries, and sometimes with destructive people and time-wasters, it needs to be done. But something like that will be far less traumatic on both of you, than cutting all contact, which I really don't recommend doing, except as a last resort measure.

Elle Collins

I would agree that it is a last resort measure OP, but sometimes last resort measures are called for. Can you give us any more information on what it is in her behaviour that is intolerable for you?

If your reasons are severe mental illness then I would suggest that you do cut her out of your life, for the sake of your own sanity. Anyone who thinks that this is shocking and disgraceful advice (and I'm sure there will be a few) obviously have never had to deal with psychosis in a parent (lucky them)

fatmammycat

OP, I don't talk to my mother at all, unless I happen to meet her at a funeral or something, in which case I am polite, but that's it. Some people are very negative and have a profoundly bad influence in your life. Cut 'em loose if you can, it's usually better in the long run.

albeit

Thanks for your replies. I don't feel comfortable giving more details here.

I just know I need to do this to survive. But it is almost impossible. The more time I spend with her the more my sense of self-worth is broken down.

fatmammycat

Good luck whatever you decide albeit.

Elle Collins

albeit wrote: »

I just know I need to do this to survive. But it is almost impossible. The more time I spend with her the more my sense of self-worth is broken down.

I needed to do it to survive too Albeit, and paying attention to the last line you've written here it sounds like you may need to do it too. I feel for you; it's a monumentally difficult decision to be faced with. I wish you the best of luck.

JimmyCrackCorn

I recommend taking to a councillor and be very sure you know what your doing .

albeit

The problem is also she is interfering with all my relationships to other people. That is why I cannot just quit meeting with her, I must also stop giving her any details about my life.

Danniboo

Op,

I feel for you but your post is so vague no one here can give any educated advice, for all we know you're mother has a mental illness, is an alcoholic as other posters have pointed out. Or you could be a stroppy teenager throwing a tantrum. I for one don't feel comfortable advising anything as we really don't know anything about you or your mother or your relationship with her.

albeit

I am not a teenager, by the way, I was a bit worried I might come off as one. I am well into my twenties.

I do however feel like if she is still treating me like if I was a teenager. This may not seem like such a big problem, but it is. For example, she rings my work do see if I am there, just like she would have rang my school when I was a teenager to see if I was playing truant....

She is crossing so many boundaries.

There is more to all of this that I cannot write down here.

She has not been honest with me about many things. At the same time there are these constant intrusions into m private sphere. At the same time there is some amount of support and love- that is why it is hard. I need to let go of what is good within here as well as letting go of that which is hurting me.

Danniboo

albeit wrote: »

I am not a teenager, by the way, I was a bit worried I might come off as one. I am well into my twenties.

I do however feel like if she is still treating me like if I was a teenager. This may not seem like such a big problem, but it is. For example, she rings my work do see if I am there, just like she would have rang my school when I was a teenager to see if I was playing truant....

She is crossing so many boundaries.

There is more to all of this that I cannot write down here.

She has not been honest with me about many things. At the same time there are these constant intrusions into m private sphere. At the same time there is some amount of support and love- that is why it is hard. I need to let go of what is good within here as well as letting go of that which is hurting me.

Do you live with her?

albeit

No, I don't.

I live in the same town as her though.

I have been living far away from her for a long time before, than I encountered some difficulties with a traumatic event that happened to me and turned to her. She grasped the oppurtinty to help me but at the same time to take control of my life, and going back to feeling she had the right to make decisions for me in my life.

Danniboo

albeit wrote: »

No, I don't.

I live in the same town as her though.

I have been living far away from her for a long time before, than I encountered some difficulties with a traumatic event that happened to me and turned to her. She grasped the oppurtinty to help me but at the same time to take control of my life, and going back to feeling she had the right to make decisions for me in my life.

OP, no disrespect, but no on one can give any good advice based on the above. Traumatic event could be anything, rape, miscarriage, assault, did you get involved in drugs? Broke up with a partner? You say she helped and was there for you, can she really be as satanic as your making out then? Taking control of your life, to what extent? Being an over protective mum? Completely obsessed? You need to provide more details if you want to get good advice from people here. I wouldn't like to tell someone to cut a parent/not cut a parent from their life when it could be completely the wrong advice.

albeit

The traumatic event involved random stranger started running after me as I was on way home from night out. He shouted he was going to kill me and I was running away from him, taking off my heels. The only thing I could think of was run to my house, even though it was quite some distance left. I was newly moved in to the area and took the wrong way and was caught in a cul de sac. I rang the doorbells as he was standing there shouting at me he was going to kill me. No-one answered, I somehow managed to run past him and out of the cul de sac on to a busier street. The guards showed up (I think someone in one of the house where I had rang the doorbell had rang them and the garda station was just around the corner). He was arrested and I was brought home by some other guards.
Next day, I was in a shock and rang my mum.

Instead of supporting me in the process of making a statement etc. she just told me come home and forget about it. I just listened to her and gave up my job and life where I was. Then she started taking control of my life, telling me I should be grateful and started critisise me the same way she had always done when I grew up. I lost my independence basically.

Instead of supporting me in doing the right thing i.e. making a statement, that the guards had asked me to do, and helping prevent someone else having to go through the same thing.

The problem is, it is a natural reaction to seek out the emotional comfort of one's parents when things get tough. This has now been repeated in my life several times. Whenever there is a difficult moment I have ended up ringing my mum, and loosing my abilty to handle the situation.

She was also abusive to me as a child. As a grown up it has turned into a vicious circle. I need my independence back but it hard to break free still having contact with her as she makes me feel useless, and seem to enjoy making me feel useless.

She never admits any faults. I do not think she is mentally impaired, or possibly somewhat sometimes. It is impossible for me to prove that however. There is a lot of grandious behaviour in her though, if that is the correct term.

Danniboo

albeit wrote: »

The traumatic event involved random stranger started running after me as I was on way home from night out. He shouted he was going to kill me and I was running away from him, taking off my heels. The only thing I could think of was run to my house, even though it was quite some distance left. I was newly moved in to the area and took the wrong way and was caught in a cul de sac. I rang the doorbells as he was standing there shouting at me he was going to kill me. No-one answered, I somehow managed to run past him and out of the cul de sac on to a busier street. The guards showed up (I think someone in one of the house where I had rang the doorbell had rang them and the garda station was just around the corner). He was arrested and I was brought home by some other guards.
Next day, I was in a shock and rang my mum.

Instead of supporting me in the process of making a statement etc. she just told me come home and forget about it. I just listened to her and gave up my job and life where I was. Then she started taking control of my life, telling me I should be grateful and started critisise me the same way she had always done when I grew up. I lost my independence basically.

Instead of supporting me in doing the right thing i.e. making a statement, that the guards had asked me to do, and helping prevent someone else having to go through the same thing.

The problem is, it is a natural reaction to seek out the emotional comfort of one's parents when things get tough. This has now been repeated in my life several times. Whenever there is a difficult moment I have ended up ringing my mum, and loosing my abilty to handle the situation.

She was also abusive to me as a child. As a grown up it has turned into a vicious circle. I need my independence back but it hard to break free still having contact with her as she makes me feel useless, and seem to enjoy making me feel useless.

She never admits any faults. I do not think she is mentally impaired, or possibly somewhat sometimes. It is impossible for me to prove that however. There is a lot of grandious behaviour in her though, if that is the correct term.

Perhaps your mam thought it would be less traumatic on you to go through the whole statement, going to court process. I don't understand why you needed to move home "give up your life etc" over this, although i'm not undermining it or saying it wasn't a very traumatic incident.

To what extent does the "running to mum" go and in what way is she abusive. I'm not being rude or disrespectful OP but what you've wrote so far just implies that she's a bit over protective and maybe you feel she's a control freak. You feel like running to her everytime something goes wrong would this not suggest you have some element of trust in her as someone to confide in and a parent, would you do this to someone who is abusing you? Perhaps her making you feel useless, does she get annoyed with you for running to her a good bit? Maybe thinks you need to look after yourself a bit more? I'm not trying to be disrespectful at all OP just trying to understand the situation.

albeit

Thanks for taking interest. Basically, that is the problem, that I turn to her in times of emotional instability. I am not saying the event described would be the most traumatic anyone could ever go through. However, it is a vicious cycle for me having contact with her. There will be times when things get tough again, and then I will not be able confide in her. I think the reason why it's gets abusive is beacuse she grasps these moment to exercise authority over me, and I, in my emotional turmoil, accepts her authority. However, it turns abusive when someone who is helping you feels they have the right to abuse you. It is very common, I'd say, and is some sort of psychological reaction towards being relied on too much. However, I cannot accept having a mum who I cannot turn to when everything is not rosy and perfect, without falling into her trap of being dependent on her and accepting her abuse. I want a mum who can be supportive in a relaxed and loving way. Maybe she is overprotective, and that may be the reason she pulls me back whenever something happens to me.

Danniboo

albeit wrote: »

Thanks for taking interest. Basically, that is the problem, that I turn to her in times of emotional instability. I am not saying the event described would be the most traumatic anyone could ever go through. However, it is a vicious cycle for me having contact with her. There will be times when things get tough again, and then I will not be able confide in her. I think the reason why it's gets abusive is beacuse she grasps these moment to exercise authority over me, and I, in my emotional turmoil, accepts her authority. However, it turns abusive when someone who is helping you feels they have the right to abuse you. It is very common, I'd say, and is some sort of psychological reaction towards being relied on too much. However, I cannot accept having a mum who I cannot turn to when everything is not rosy and perfect, without falling into her trap of being dependent on her and accepting her abuse. I want a mum who can be supportive in a relaxed and loving way. Maybe she is overprotective, and that may be the reason she pulls me back whenever something happens to me.

That last statement kind of contradicts the statement about her wanting to have control over you What does she do in terms of abuse? Does she hit you, emotional abuse? Call you names? Say undermining things, mess with you psychologically? Run you down constantly, possibly in front of others?

albeit

I'd say parents can be overprotective, controlling and abusive at the same time. I cannot really go into any details.

So, my choices are: Keeping in contact with her, always putting up this image of everything being rosy and perfect, or cutting her out of my life.

I think I will just need to keep in contact with her for now, but never tell her about anything negative that has happened to me. Then I will slowly stop the contact. I am just afraid I will fall back into the same situiation, having forgotten what happens if I need her help. I will print these pages out now to remember all of this.

Thanks for your replies.

Danniboo

albeit wrote: »

I'd say parents can be overprotective, controlling and abusive at the same time. I cannot really go into any details.

So, my choices are: Keeping in contact with her, always putting up this image of everything being rosy and perfect, or cutting her out of my life.

I think I will just need to keep in contact with her for now, but never tell her about anything negative that has happened to me. Then I will slowly stop the contact. I am just afraid I will fall back into the same situiation, having forgotten what happens if I need her help. I will print these pages out now to remember all of this.

Thanks for your replies.

Obviously I could be way off the mark but what I get from the above is you go back to her when things are hard, move back home etc and she is there for you but gets annoyed that you're not being more independant looking out for yourself, kind of running back home when it suits you kind of thing. She may feel used? Or that you need to grow up be more self sufficient.

Maybe in turn you're getting frustrated as you feel she's been hard on you as these things that have happened are not your fault and you can't get a break and feel like she's in a way punishing you further??

I could be wrong but that's all I can come up with from what you've posted. If she is genuinely a nasty and abusive person then just limit contact with her. You don't live with her so don't run back the next time something upsets you best to be alone in peace dealing with things than with someone who is abusive.

Best of luck whatever you decide x

albeit

No, she actually twisted my arm to make me come home as soon as possible as soon anything had happened. She then momentarily offered her support, then got angry and abusive with me for not having more independence.

Anyway, I must be on my way now making my life as perfect and happy as possible, just to try gain back my independence and not being open to abuse by someone who is helping me...

It is the sad truth. That is why I am also grieving this.

I am so stuck in all of this at the moment it is unbelievable.

deisemum

It's nearly 8 years since I had anything to do with my mother, in fact last time I had anything to do with her I reported her to the gardai and she was cautioned so cannot come near me.

My life is so much better without her in it, I have no desire or intention to have anything to do with her in the future.

I read an article a few years ago and boy did it ring a bell. It was about narcissistic mothers and it was like someone describing my mother. It also showed me that there are plenty of people who have bad relationships with their mothers.

OP I cannot advise you one way or the other but just letting you know you're not the only one.

Dreams aloud

OP i can relate to this as I (mid 20s) haven't talked to my mother for the last few years. I love her but i just can't be near her. I miss some aspects of her personality but i think maybe the bad things outweigh the good so i have to leave it. I've been polite to her when i've seen her at my brothers sports days, things like that but that's the extent of it. Another time i met her out walking & she barely looked up to say hi.

The thing is i know she's just hurting at the moment & would love it if i contacted her but i can't bring myself to. These things are never straight-forward though & everyone is different but it is heartbreaking so i wish you all the best with your decision.

Take care.

Big Bag of Chips

Sometimes the boundaries get blurred.

Children become adults, and the parents don't really know what their role is anymore. Also being an adult is new to the "child" and they often don't know how to deal with their parents adult-to-adult.

For your entire life you have been the child, she has been the adult and looked after you/told you what to do.

She doesn't know how to deal with you as an adult - and it would seem you're not too sure how to deal with her as an adult either.

Maybe counselling would help, maybe it wouldn't. Nobody can advise you what to do I suppose, but at least you know you're not alone!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm sorry to read about your attack. I'm glad the guards were able to arrest him.

I have had a similar relationship with my mother. I define it as a codependent relationship. She can't handle her own life and seeks to control mine. She expresses her love by worrying and meddling to try and fix the only aspect of the problem that she can touch - me. For a few years, we had a better relationship because I pulled back - I refused to discuss my problems, moved country and cut her off when she started to try and nitpick my life. After a while of that, she started to be very melodramatic and threatened suicide repeatedly and I spent hours on the phone with her talking her down. Finally, I'd had enough and I cut contact completely for the first time.

Anyway, like you, I had something go wrong in my life, she turned up on my doorstep and I felt so relieved to have a support system that I let her take over. I found myself back home and away from friends and she took over again - her house, her rules (how I dressed, what I ate, what I spent my money on, resenting any time I spent away from the home).

My siblings are totally under her thumb and let her dictate what romantic relationships they have, what they wear and who they're friends with. Watching how she controls their lives, made me realise that I needed to cut contact. Since then I've had space to deal with her selfishness, violence and manipulation and it's been tough but necessary.

If you're in Dublin I saw that someone has set up a meetup group --->http://www.meetup.com/Motherless-Daughters-Dublin/?gj=wg2_ej1b there's also lots of books and websites. Someone in PI recommended this website http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ and I found it very enlightening.

I'd say that there are two ways around this either cut her out completely and deal with the guilt or set up boundaries and don't let her try and manipulate her way around them. Either way, please seek some help. I go to codependents anonymous meetings and have seen a therapist. Stay strong.