Worried about my 22 year old brother - learning difficulties

tiddles65

Hi all,

Hopefully someone can give me some advice with this issue as I really don't know what to do and am worried sick about the future of my younger brother. This is very long but I really hope someone has a chance to read it. Sorry

Just to give you a brief history of my parents first as it's important - My parents had my brother quite late in life as they really wanted a boy to take over the family farm. My mother is a teacher and my dad is a farmer. My mother had a tough life growing up and came from a wealthy well educated background. Her own sister suffered from severe learning difficulties which meant my mother did not get a lot of attention when she was a child. she left home at 16 and began to work and distanted herself from her sister and parents as I think she resented them for not paying enough attention to her. My dad was from a very poor family of 7, his parents died very young and his sister commited suicide when she was 16.

My mother is quite a difficult woman. She was not easy to please when we were kids. When you brought home a school report she always wanted to know how the other kids in the class had done as well. She really wanted to have very bright intellingent children. Myself and my three sisters are quite smart and have good jobs. When my eldest sister got in Trinity, my mother was on cloud nine and told all of the neighbours. However, she was not pleased with me when I said I wanted to work straight away and leave college until a later stage.

It was very evident from an early age that my brother had learning difficulties. It took him quite a long time to learn how to ride a bike, he didn't learn to talk until quite late and he found conversation very difficult. My mother was told (in the school she worked in) by another teacher that my brother needed special needs assistance. Well my mother flipped about it. Of course, this all happened at home and was taken out on the family. my father was blamed for having an ill-educated family. My mother regularly had fits of rage and would often throw stuff at us and tell us to go up to the attic and not coming down for hours.(she had the key).

Since my mother was told this she did all of my brother's homework all the way through primary school. She told him all of the answers of his sums, told him exactly what to write in his stories basically everything so she could cover up the fact he was struggling. It got a lot worse when he went to secondary school. My brother does not like change and after his first week of school.He refused to go to school. My parents couldn't persuade him and eventually they gave in and let him take an entire year and a half off school. Miracllousy, he made the decision to go back and did his Junior and Leaving Cert with special needs assistance. this was absolutely fantastic and we were all very proud of him.

He got a place on an agricultural course which was residential and he had to move down the country but after a 6 months the college contacted my parents and said he was unable to cope and they could not cater for his needs. And so it started again, my mother did all of his coursework told him exactly what to write etc. He will hopefully finish this year but he doesn't understand anything he has learned and really has no interest in farming. He was basically told he was getting the farm and in order to qualify for susidies he had to do this course. However, my dad will not accept that he will never be able to manage the farm on his own.

My brother is currently living at home with my parents. He is unable to have a proper adult conversation and his only interest is computer games. He doesn't understand the value of money as he has never had a proper job. My parents give him money here and there for working on the farm but there is no structure to it. As soon as he gets money he buys games for the latest console he has bought. However he loves social situations. Myself and my sisters come to visit at the weekend and he lives for visits even though he contributes very little to conversations. Worriedly, he has taken to hanging around with very old farmers and calling them his friends. If someone said hello to him, he would consider that person to be his friend. He is very very innocent and guillable. He was teased an awful lot at school and I've often had people who were in his class in school say "He'd do anything for a laugh". But he doesn't understand they are taking the mickey out of him.

The sad thing is my parents have just given up on him. I don't live at home and when I am home I try to explain to him that he needs to live for more things in life and he needs to start believing in himself more because he can achieve whatever he wants. But he has basically been brainwashed by my mother who keeps telling him and the rest of the family "he is not able, leave him alone". My mother is a huge obstacle around this. I've tried to speak to her numerous times about this problem and how my brother needs structure in his life but all I get is "I can't cope", "you're always ganging up on me" or "just leave it". Plus because of how she was when we were kids I am basically terrified of her lashing out again. She has become extremely attention seeking in recent years as well. She only talks about herself and never asks about anyone else. My sister got married recently and she took no interest in the wedding, had to be begged to see the wedding dress in the shop but when she got her own outfit she went on and on about how great it was.

I am starting to think my brother thinks that this is just a normal life and this is how it's gonna be for the rest of his life. he is capable of so much more and it's so sad how he has ended up like this. To be honest, if I were reading this I would think he has been emotionally and mentally neglected.

I really don't know how to do and would really like to hear some thoughts on what some other people think about this situation. really sorry for the long post but it's the only way to fully understand the history.

thanks

brianthomas

Jesus I feel for you pal. It sounds like a very tough situation that you, unfortunately, have little influence on. I have no magic fix as much as I wish I did but wanted to just wish you all the best in your search. Chin up mate.

psycjay

Hi,

From what you have said I think you should change your approach a little. You are obviously very motivated and can see the potential in your brother but i think you are coming on a bit strong. Try not to get into lecture style talks with the guy, instead focus on spending quality time with him when you're home. Bring him out to do something, get to know him better and have a laugh. He clearly enjoys social situations even if he doesn't join in, that doesn't matter. If he likes gaming (as most of us guys do) embrace it, learn about COD, and GTA, you may find that you suddenly have a lot to talk about. Then maybe after a while you can ask what he'd like do but don't be pushy, remember not everyone is as ambitous as you are. Be open minded, find out what his interests are, who knows maybe he would like to learn more about computers for example. Then again maybe he doesn't want to right now, and you should respect that.

I haven't mentioned your parents because I think you need to concentrate on building your relationship with your brother. Once you have gained his trust he will value your opinion and other people will have less of an impact.

btw - this is just friendly advice, I'm not a professional and this is not professional advice of any kind.

Best of luck,

Jay

JuliusCaesar

Moved from Psychology - more of a PI.

Kalimah

I'm literally just back from a parenting course given by John Lonergan the former prison governer of Mountjoy. One of the first things he said to us was that you MUST accept whatever ability your child has. From what you say your mother never did this unfortunately. You sound like you are very well intentioned and you are doing the best you can. I would worry that your brother would fall in with a bad crowd through no fault of his own. I have a son that is a bit backward socially and I worry about the people who would take advantage of him for a laugh.

My advice is keep encouraging him as much as you can and look out for him. Your mother is doing him no favours by her attitude.

PS. I knew a child once that had learning disabilities but had she been given some sort of direction could have at least lived an independent life. Her parents refused to get her assessed in case she'd be "labelled". The child now a teenager can't even read and hardly knows what day it is. Sometimes parents just don't do the best for their children through some misguided sense of " failure" by not having a "perfect" child.

Very best wishes to you. You're a good sister.

LegacyUser

Tiddles, I feel for you, it sounds like a very worrying situation. Just wanted to say, there are many courses set up in this country for people with learning difficulties, helping them to become more independent, getting work or further training. Of course it depends on what area you live in, but a visit to your local FAS office to explain the situation could really help. The National Learning Network (nln.ie) are one organisation that could help. Also maybe getting in touch with Social Services, maybe a social worker could speak with your brother, to try and help him to be more pro active with his own future and persuade your mother from interfering too much. If you have a sympathetic family GP, they could give some guidance too.