Move to the USA. Right thing to do but does not feel right

LegacyUser

I work in a multinational in Dublin. Unfortunately my job is on the way out and wont be here in another 12/18 months.

My company have given me an oppertuinity to move to the west coast of America to work for them. They will pay to move my stuff over and provide a lot fo moving support.

The new job is a really good job. Worst case scenario is that Its awful and I will have to come home in a year or two.

Its a no brainer to me and my family and friends. But its still making me feel quite sick thinking of moving, leaving my family and friends for 2+ years. I just cant shake it.

I have had issues with stress in the past, and can largely deal with them now due to learning to control the symptoms of stress, but i feel now like i did the first time i encountered issues with stresss.


Staying for family/friends is a big reason to stay, but who's to say they wont be taking new jobs, moving etc over the next few years.

Also to get my long term girlfriend over with me it will mean getting married ( quickly to ensure we can get over this year)

Reasons to To:
Great Job.
Experience.
New start, chance to get out of a rut.
Kick up the backside to get married.
Working to Live. i work to allow me to enjoy myself.


Reasons not to Go.
I have a great life here right now.
Surrounded by family and friends.
Rushing a marriage to adhere to work schedule.
Living to work. im moving away from comforts to work.

Its the easier option to stay here in a place of comfort where, apart from my job, i am happy.

Going there for 24 months would be a great experience.

What would you do? Can you offer other viewpoints i have not considered.

(p.s. im aware many people have bigger issues wtih having no job, and people emmegrate all the time. many may see being offered a great job across seas as a no brainer and im getting stressed for nothing. thats what i thought until the offer landed in my lap).

Thanks for any advice

albeit

if it doesnt feel right, don't do it. The right thing to do is what feels right.

messymess

Most people you speak to about this will urge you to go. But friends and family are certainly big reasons to stay.

I think with these things it's often very easy to have your initial feelings on it completely clouded over with various thoughts and some of them may not be that helpful at all!

Try this .... ask yourself the question and then force yourself to answer it as quickly as possible. Don't think about it ... just answer. And there you go, that's what you want to do

It's only two years, if you want, you're free to do whatever you want, when you want. If it doesn't work out, no harm done. This could be an amazing experience for you on many levels. Your friends and family will be sad to see you go but at the same time I'm sure they want you to get on things and be the best 'you' you can be!

futonic

I had a similar dilema to go work with a large mutinational fruit about 15 years ago. I didnt go, for similiar reasons to yours, but always wonder now what it would have being like. If I could go back and advise myself now, I'd dump the fat two faced self centred bit... i mean ex-girlfriend... and go! I'm not bitter...

Would have being an adventure, probably the biggest regret of my life. Go.

LegacyUser

OP I can empathise - I always thought working abroad would be the absolute bees knees until the possibility became real and then it just became incredibly stressful - I actually cried a few times in the weeks running up to the move, at the thought of having to move and leave my comfort zone. Nothing to do with potentially missing my family or friends, just the sheer "unknownness" of it all.

If you are anything like me, which you may or may not be, it could be the best thing you ever do - most of the things I am proudest of having done in my life are the ones which pushed me completely out of my comfort zone.

I would say go for it - the worst that can happen is you don't like it and come back, and at least then you've learned something about yourself and your boundaries. Personally I have never regretted doing anything I was scared of

Best of luck!

bertaluchi

Don't laugh, but are there jobs in your field in Ireland? (ok a little chuckle then)

Is the job defo secure over there?

You have on your "reasons to go" list that you would be getting out of a rut. Are you in a rut?

It reads that what you really want to do is stay, but with a job that will last. If you are defo going to loose your job in a few months, and there defo isn't any other jobs in your field (in Ireland) then what you ideally want isn't/won't be, an option.

Also, if you take the better job in the States it will probably make you even more employable. Sounds like they're a fan of your work.

It might be tough to be married and not have pals around for a distraction (Important to note that I know nothing about marriage).

I love trying out new places (I'm in Canada now) but every man to themselves.

Good luck

Monkey Allen

What do you lose by giving it a go? I moved to Sydney 2 and a half years ago not knowing what to expect and its worked out for me. If you dont like it, pack it in and you're back to where you would be if you dont go. Also, there will be someone you know out there. That always happens.

LegacyUser

What do you lose by giving it a go?

Logically you are right. i have nothing to lose really. worst case scenario is i do 12-24 months over there, hate it and come back.

When my gf and i get back getting a job may be the the most difficult part.

Is the job defo secure over there?

Yes. outside of me doing some huge screw up costing millions of dollars im safe over there.

Are you in rut?

yes, current job will disappear in the next 12/24 months. no room for promotion between now and then.


I think most of my problem is seperation anxiety. not being able to go for beers with my mates, or be no more than a few hours drive from my family. Im quite a loyal person and a home bird when it comes down to it.

Im hoping its something i will become used to as i work up to going. as was said, although its scary, it will be something i will regret and wonder " what if", if i dont do it.

Thanks for the viewpoints guys, appreciate it.

ztoical

Should_I_Move? wrote: »

Logically you are right. i have nothing to lose really. worst case scenario is i do 12-24 months over there, hate it and come back.

When my gf and i get back getting a job may be the the most difficult part.

If your job is going to be gone in 12/24 months your going to be looking for a job then anyway so how is that any different from going to the states for 12/24 months other then getting to live somewhere new?

Yes it's a big step to move away but honestly not going because your comfortable were you are wouldn't be a good enough reason for me. I'd go but I have gone, more the once actually, and it's not cost me losing touch family or friends at home.

davy12

Go - I would kill for an opportunity like that.

LegacyUser

I was in exactly your position 18 months ago. I made the move 12 months ago. And it's the best decision I ever made. You need to weigh up what will work for you. But the only thing I regret is not doing this sooner. And I moved on my own, no friends, family, people I know - I was totally alone when I got here (west coast US as well). I have a whole new life, and I am happier than ever

LegacyUser

Do it,worse comes to worse and you have to come back.Youll meet plenty of people out there.Dont think down the line "If only i had"

"If you never take chances in life you'll miss out on the best things"

Give it a try,you might like it:-)

beks101

Take the leap. You'll never regret travelling. And your family and friends are your family and friends, that won't change no matter what part of the world you're in - you'll just have to adjust to not seeing them as readily as you currently do. This is the hardest part of it in my experience but you do get used to it.

People will say, 'trust your gut' yadda yadda but in this instance I think it's more a case of comfort zones than gut instincts and it doesn't do any of us any harm to challenge ourselves like this from time to time - especially seeing as you have a wonderful career opportunity over there and won't have to worry about the stressful job hunt that most emigrants have to go through.

I say go for it. It's only two years, and worst case scenario, you can hop on a plane home and at least say you gave it a shot.

albeit

I am surprised by all the advice saying "go". This is clearly against the OP's own intuition. We all have intuition for a reason, and that is to able to feel what is right for us, not someone else. Sometimes the brave thing is too take the leap to listen to our own intuition, and not take the leap to move across the atlantic.

If the conditioning to be succesful and further ones career is always valued above following what's true and right for you, then it will cause a lot of inner stress, which may even affect your ability to work.

LegacyUser

People will say, 'trust your gut' yadda yadda but in this instance I think it's more a case of comfort zones than gut instincts and it doesn't do any of us any harm to challenge ourselves like this from time to time

I fully agree with this, but there was one other point made:

Sometimes the brave thing is too take the leap to listen to our own intuition, and not take the leap to move across the atlantic.

If the conditioning to be succesful and further ones career is always valued above following what's true and right for you, then it will cause a lot of inner stress, which may even affect your ability to work.

When i first left college i came to Dublin to work, got so stressed out and unable to handle simple things that I ended up just going home for 6 months to de-stress and learn how to deal with life.

I do have a tendency to get stressed and so what you say is true. But, I have learned that I need to push myself, as i get very comfortable in a particular position ( or rut if you wil) . One thing i have here is that I know the organization, i have a lot of knowledge regarding the role i will get so im not walking in as a new employee with a bunch of new stuff to learn. i will be starting off on my feet without having to prove myself to the people around me.

So, to this end i think my aprehension is based around the fact that I cling to things that comfort me, and generally avoid change. But sometimes its inevitable. My girlfriend will be there with me and i have some friends over there also so i have a support system also.

The scale of what im doing is just daunting considering the furthest i have moved away from home so far was across the country to Dublin.

Great points all. thanks for a vibrant discussion.

RoisinDove

I'd definitely go. You can always come back if it's not working out. It really is an amazing opportunity. I totally understand what you mean about emigrating, I've done it, but I think it's worth a try.

ztoical

albeit wrote: »

I am surprised by all the advice saying "go". This is clearly against the OP's own intuition. We all have intuition for a reason, and that is to able to feel what is right for us, not someone else. Sometimes the brave thing is too take the leap to listen to our own intuition, and not take the leap to move across the atlantic.

But alot of time it's the fear of the unknown rather then intuition saying don't go. I know I was seriously worried when I packed up and moved to the states. Lots of doubts of things that could go wrong, that it was the wrong move, I'd lose all my friends, not make any were I was going, not find work when I came home etc etc but it was the best move I ever made. Like the OP I was comfortable were I was but being comfortable was not a good enough reason when weighed up with everything to stay put.

astra2000

The only thing that stands out to me as a bit of a sticking point is are you ready to get married, was that always the plan and your doing it a bit earlier than intended, or is your hand been forced? If you are 100% sure getting married is the right thing now then go for it, sure you will miss your family but you will have your wife by your side. If your not sure of getting married well thats a whole different set of problems, be sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not just so she can join you in going to america.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by ztoical

But alot of time it's the fear of the unknown rather then intuition saying don't go. I know I was seriously worried when I packed up and moved to the states. Lots of doubts of things that could go wrong, that it was the wrong move, I'd lose all my friends, not make any were I was going, not find work when I came home etc etc but it was the best move I ever made. Like the OP I was comfortable were I was but being comfortable was not a good enough reason when weighed up with everything to stay put.

ztoical, you have just, in less than two lines outlined all my fears:

-What could go wrong.
-Would i drift away from friends.
-Not find work when i come home in a few years.

If its not too probing, can you please describe your situation a little?
Did you come home?
If so, did you find a job?
How long did you stay away from home?
Did the move improve your job chances here in Ireland on return?

Thanks!

mood

astra2000 wrote: »

The only thing that stands out to me as a bit of a sticking point is are you ready to get married, was that always the plan and your doing it a bit earlier than intended, or is your hand been forced? If you are 100% sure getting married is the right thing now then go for it, sure you will miss your family but you will have your wife by your side. If your not sure of getting married well thats a whole different set of problems, be sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not just so she can join you in going to america.

+1

Dark Phoenix

I am a great believer in intuition but also feel there is a difference between intuition and a resistance due to a fear of the unknown. If your ansolute gut feeling says don't go then thats something only you can decide.

If its more that you are anxious about going over and making such a huge change that is understandable and it may be worth looking at this as an opportunity that could change your life for the better. While staying here maybe the esier option and right now it may seem more appealing - will that be the same when the job does run out and you may be facing being out of work? Youdon't seemto have anything major holding you back so it might just be the right time in your life to jump at it.

LostinKildare

astra2000 wrote: »

The only thing that stands out to me as a bit of a sticking point is are you ready to get married, was that always the plan and your doing it a bit earlier than intended, or is your hand been forced? If you are 100% sure getting married is the right thing now then go for it, sure you will miss your family but you will have your wife by your side. If your not sure of getting married well thats a whole different set of problems, be sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not just so she can join you in going to america.

I thought that too. Also, how does she feel about going? If she's unhappy about it, that could make you both miserable. If she's excited about it then it could be great to start your marriage together with this adventure.

mood

LostinKildare wrote: »

I thought that too. Also, how does she feel about going? If she's unhappy about it, that could make you both miserable. If she's excited about it then it could be great to start your marriage together with this adventure.

Could she not get a visa of her own to go or could you do long distance for a while? Don't get married if your not ready.

LegacyUser

[Quore]Could she not get a visa of her own to go or could you do long distance for a while? Don't get married if your not ready. [/Quote]

Sorry for not clarifying that, regarding the whole marriage thing. we are going out for over 10 years, living together for almost 5. Marriage ws on the cards in the next year or so anyway, but this was a reason to speed things up.


Can she get a visa on her own? its way too much of a lottery. either she enters the visa lotto, which is already done for 2011, or get a company to sponsor her which is just as difficult.

By the time she gets one or the other, I will either be there for many months, or she wont get one at all, leaving no option but me to quit and come home. This way ensures entry for both of us.

albeit

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

I am a great believer in intuition but also feel there is a difference between intuition and a resistance due to a fear of the unknown.

That is so true. I struggle between differentiating between these two sentiments myself. I hope OP will be able to figure out which one it is this time.

LegacyUser

dark phoenix wrote: »

I am a great believer in intuition but also feel there is a difference between intuition and a resistance due to a fear of the unknown.

QUOTE]

I have a feeling that this is what it is, and im leaning toward my jitters being fear of the unknown, but i still have to make the jump.

ztoical

Should_I_Move? wrote: »

-What could go wrong.
-Would i drift away from friends.
-Not find work when i come home in a few years.

If its not too probing, can you please describe your situation a little?
Did you come home?
If so, did you find a job?
How long did you stay away from home?
Did the move improve your job chances here in Ireland on return?

My situation was I'd finished college in Ireland and worked for a year but it was slow going getting work in my field. I decided to further my education but there weren't an options in Ireland for my field so I applied to a college in New York. Different from going for work but similar in that I was going over to a set place rather then just moving over blind. I didn't know anyone going to this college, nor have any family or friends over there so there was that fear of being on my own, of missing family, of missing out on stuff with friends, of feeling out of place but honestly don't regret it for second. Made loads of friends both within the school and by getting involved with local activities [gym, swiming etc] My family and friends came to vist and loved the fact they could stay with me and get a tour guide to take them to none tacky tourist places. I went home a couple of times [Xmas, Aunts wedding etc] and found I didn't loose touch with any friends. Stayed there for nearly 5 years, still go back every year for a week or so to see my friends there and have had several of my friends from the states over to stay with me. Went in 2000 came back in 2005 and got work in my field pretty quickly, worked till start of 2010 then moved to London with work with a contract till end of 2012 and then who knows?

I did alot of thinking about and I just knew that as much as I love my friends and family I couldn't plan my life around their plans. Sure my life was comfortable as it was but I knew my friends would marry, have kids, change jobs, maybe move as a result of the job, maybe work more hours, maybe work less, their lives and priorities would change so I should make my choices based on what I wanted and the friendships that mattered would always be there.

drummerlad

I know how you feel as I did it over a year ago now. I moved to teh states and I have to be honest, the first 6 Months were very difficult. But am I glad I did it? yes, Will I stay here for ever? Probably not. Do I miss my friends and Family? yes.

It is a great thing to do for yourself whether you decide to stay or not. I almost backed out before I went but it was only the fear of the unknown .

The fact you are getting the company to pay for the move is great as it broke me!

Best of luck what ever your decision is.

LegacyUser

OP, go, or you may regret it for the rest of your life. USA is a Country with everything, the good the bad and the ugly, but as a country of opportunity, it's the best.

starlit

OP, do what you feel is right not what you think is right/right thing to do. Go with your gut instinct its often right. I wouldn't advise to go against it if your head says one thing and your gut says another. If something is telling you to go for it or not go for it if its a 50/50 thing and two minds about it or if its indecison then you have a tough choice, go for whats best for you and not best for someone else.

Where do you see yourself in a few years time? Are you happy, if you are happy where you are now you might as well stick with it and hold out for as long as you can in finding new employment and without having to rush into marriage. Then again its a great opportunity to go to the US and get some opportunistic and valuable work experience. Would you not consider london or is there any other place you could go to nearer to home with the same company once your contract ends? Don't feel you have to rush into marriage just yet, maybe just get engagged but do you have to get married for the job in america it be a bit of a rush really if things didn't go as planned. Family and friends are as good a reason to stay. But go to the US for you and not for anyone else you shouldn't feel you have to get married for the sake of the job in the US.

It be worth trying out the US the worse that would happen is you enjoy it too much or that you want to come back and job hunting be difficult, things might pick up once you are back in Ireland. It is entirely up to you. Do whats right for you and not for anyone else! Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

So i want to close off this. hopefully my conclusion will help people out. I have wresteled with this choice for over a week now. at times it seemed to be a great choice to move, other times it seemed like the worst decision.

My thoughts were all over the place, so i ended up creating a list of pros and cons of moving to the U.S.

Pros:
Great career progression.
Much better financially.
A good adventure.

Cons:
Chance we will not get home permanently ever.
Girlfriend might not get a job.
Rushing wedding to ensure girlfriend gets visa.
Girlfriend's holidays would be much worse(should she get a job).
Losing family and friends.
Living to work, not working to live - work life balance sku'ed towards work.

This list took 3 days to build up, as i kept it in my pocket each time i thought of a pro/con. As you can see all the pro's are centered around money and career. I also talked to a few people who moved over with the intent of moving back but could not for various reasons.

All the cons are centered around things we would be losing in our personal lives.
If i was a career driven person, the 3 pros would be enough but I am a person who values my life more, and only see work as a means to enhance my life.

To this end, the obvious choice is not to go, and that is what we have decided.

Sure i now have to find a new job in the next year or so, but i have a full year to do this properly, and still have my family, friends and quality of life

Thank you all for your opinions and advice, it all really helped me to come to a conclusion.

I hope to be able to help advise and help other people on this forum like you have helped me!

All the best.

Ainekav

Go!

If the job is well paid you can come home a few times a year!
And your girlfriend will provide you with plenty of support, as will your friends over there.

The country cant really get much worse, so maybe it'll be somewhat improved when you come home. It's only for 2 years, it will be the experience of a lifetime and the West coast is just brilliant.

LegacyUser

The country cant really get much worse, so maybe it'll be somewhat improved when you come home. It's only for 2 years

Fact is, i talked to 2 people, one who was over there for "2" years, and another one who went over for just "2" years.

The first was stuck there for 4, and the second guy sees no way of getting home. IMO 2 years will turn into 5+ years.

More money does not give better quality of life. Much longer work hours, weekend working, girlfriend would have to completely reskill and start from scratch, if she could get a job at all.

As explained, career wise, if you were single and didnt mind moving its a no-brainer. As there is someone else to consider, and i value family/friends more than money, im happier here.

Ainekav

Didn't see your last post before I posted that - was just offering an opinion - thought that's why you posted in the first place!

LegacyUser

was just offering an opinion - thought that's why you posted in the first place!

Absolutely Correct! Thanks for the input! I do appreciate all the points of view offered.

RasTa

Shocking decison, you will regret it when we default in the next 2 years.

albeit

RasTa wrote: »

Shocking decison, you will regret it when we default in the next 2 years.

Shocking post, I must say. Since you are able to predict the future.Op, well done to you for making a very hard decision. It sounds like if you have opted to listen to your heart, and I wish you every bit of success with opportunities coming your way, as I am sure they will keep coming.You sound like a very nice young man and your girlfriend is a very lucky girl!