Has anyone experienced an abusive "friendship"?

LegacyUser

I would like to know if anyone has experienced themselves or know's of someone that has had an abusive "friendship". I'm talking about both physical and mental abuse from someone you would have considered a friend.

It's happened to me so just want to know of others experiences and how they coped.

Thanks.

steelcityblues

Hi,

Wouldn't necessarily describe it as abusive, but someone I had a tight bond with as far back as my primary school days changed in a strange way once he reached adulthood, and in a subtle fashion.

We ended up going to the same college together, and before that we were in fairly regular contact talkin about sports/politcs/women the like, yet oddly enough we started to hang out with separate groups of people as time wore on. Think he was a bit resentful of me that I didn't have to repeat first year by leaving assignments too late, while he did exactly that.

My house was quite close to where I was attending college, and would invite said friend after some days to come back there for a while. He had been over there a lot of times before college and knew my parents - so hardly any reason not to stop by - but yet he always declined and said he had work to do (hardly, he was a heavy procrastinator). This left me confused.

Also, I knew his parents well and he never told me about his father's alzheimer problems until his death,which left me a bit hurt too!

Anyway, if someone is trying to stab you in the back, plot a getaway in the best way possible.

temply

abusivefriendship wrote: »

I would like to know if anyone has experienced themselves or know's of someone that has had an abusive "friendship". I'm talking about both physical and mental abuse from someone you would have considered a friend.

It's happened to me so just want to know of others experiences and how they coped.

Thanks.

had a mate who made pretty dreadful remarks and snide comments that i'd have to laugh off, or else come off looking sensitive - don't see him so much anymore, but he could be a good friend too, which was the hard thing!

probs best not having these type too close however

LegacyUser

Basically, I met a guy through a group we were both involved with, we got on well. There was no ramantic attachment between us because I wasn't remotely attracted to him (and he didn't appear to be to me) and he was married, although his marriage was having problems. He told me how he had alcohol problems in the past but was drink free now, how he had a history of depression and self harm and that he had been generally quite messed up in the past but seemed to be perfectly fine to me and I assumed he had got over his problems and got his life back on track. He had a good job, a child, a nice home and a wife etc. Looking back he told me about his previous mental health problems and addictions etc very early on in our friendship, in a lot of detail and brought the subject up often. He told me more then I was really comfortable with at the time or was necessary, I almost felt like some kind of counsellor.

Anyway things were fine for a while then he broke up with his wife. No one was entirely surprised by this. He made the decision and seemed relieved. Unfortunately over the course of the next 18 months his life and mental health fell apart. He lost his job, after behaving fairly apallingly at work on a few occasions, he grew to detest and behave badly towards the wife of his child, he started drinking again, he got into financial problems (he was always awful with money), he gave up any interests he had and started hanging out with some seriously dodgy characters. My heart broke for the guy and I felt I needed to support him as best I could and I did for, what because, the worst year of my life.

Alongside his deppresion and drinking etc he because the most self obsessed person I have ever met (he always was a to some extent) he seemed to wear his depression as a badge of honour and would tell anyone and everyone the disturbing details of his self harm and crazy dangerous situations he was putting himself in, even work colleagues! He also became totally obsessed with me and threatened to kill himself if I didn't to this or that or the other. He always made out he was on the brink of suicide but never seemed to get round to it (except to a couple of obviously half hearted/ attention seeking attempts). He told me he would kill himself if I didn't start a relationship with him (I refused!) kill himself if I didn't stay over night at his house. He would discuss how he was planning to kill himself with anyone who would listen. He would call me incessantly and not let me get of the phone for hours. Even when I was there he would get into terrible bad moods where he would refuse to speak to me beyond one word answers for hours because I had said the worng thing. I was terrified he would actually do it but I had to get away. When I told him I was going away, moving cities he cried and sobbed like a toddler for house threatening suicide etc but this confirmed to me that I had to get away from him.

Thank god I managed to ease myself out of the friendship, last I heard he was spending all his time with a woman slightly older than him who was a social worker. Good luck to her with that one!

LegacyUser

Thank you for your post. OP.

I have.
Just never thought about it in those terms: "abusive friendship".
It has made me think.

It is probably a lot more common than you would think.
If your instincts are to stay away from that person, but you keep seeing them out of fear ou will get left alone if you don't, then it is hard.
Try to let go. Your sense of self-worth and confidence is a lot more important than having someone to hang out with. Eventually you will find new people.

It is sad when they can also be very good friends, and no-one wants to be alone in this world without friends.

I have also experienced seeing one of my ex-boyfriends belonging to a group of friends who always semi-ridiculed him, if that makes sense. They treated him differently from how they treated eachother (less respect) but made it look like if they just did it playfully and with no malicious intent, however it made him feel less than the group. There was also an expectation on him to take all these yokes about him with a pinch of salt, or even enjoy them.

ongarboy

I had an abusive friendship once years back where my "friend" used to often make me feel awful about myself, pass snide comments, excluded me from various social meet ups with others but then other times would initiate meet ups with me when he had no other social options on the day, hang out with me and I would for the most part, have great craic with him.

Other friends and family know that this guy often made me feel unhappy and insisted that I cut ties with him but looking back, I knew I had this dependency on him and for reasons I still can't fully understand, I looked up to him and craved his approval. If I am truthful, I know it was down to my own low self-esteem at the time. So many times I deleted his number from my phone and promised myself I would never initiate any more meet ups for drinks etc but the second he would send me a text for a drink or meet up, I would always respond in the affirmative (even knowing that it was a mistake to do so as I would invariably end up feeling rotten over some later action or comments he would say). He eventually moved abroad and our ties were cut that way (without my doing) and I am a lot happier now. Luckily for me, I know it was circumstances outside my control that ended it (him moving abroad) as I still wonder now would I ever have been strong enough at the time to end it myself.

People often say just end an abusive friendship but it is easier said then done, particularly if you have low self esteem or a dependency (for better or worse) on someone. On paper, it seems simple, this person is hurting you, cut all ties but as most people here know, life is not that simple. It's like part of you hopes that this person can change so that the friendship will be positive and rosy all the time. The only person you can help change is you.

OP- you state your friendship involves both physical and mental abuse - that is more serious than anything I had to endure so I hope you have the courage and strength to take positive actions to make things better for yourself. I cannot give you advice to end it or distance yourself from the abusive friend as I would be contradicting what I said earlier. I can only give you my thoughts and experience of what was an unpleasant time for me and how I am so much happier now by not having that person in my life.

Best of luck and sorry for extended post!

LegacyUser

OP here - thanks for all the replies.

It's something that happened a few years ago and I don't see that person anymore but it's only been the last few weeks that I realised how much it has impacted on my life and turned me into a person who is terrified of certain situations. I had thought that it was something wrong with me but i've only realised now that it has been as a consequence of what happened. At least now I can deal with it and get some help for it.

Thinking back on my situation - I was living with this person in another country not knowing anyone else or having my family to fall back on as I kept it quiet not wanting to worry them and also not wanting to admit it. When I came back home I was still around this person every day and continued to have contact with her for another year and while it wasn't physical then the mental abuse was nearly worse.

In some ways its a comfort to know that I'm not the only person to experience this.

Thanks again for all your replies