My friend hates my 'boyfriend'....

LegacyUser

Im 39 (female) and single. Well until I met someone recently.

I have a very, very good friend, who has supported me through thick and think - sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her. She is married with kids, I have one child.

Recently, I met someone and if I'm honest, he's really not 'the one' for me. But I'm enjoying his company, he makes me laugh and it's nice to have some company in the evenings. he treats me well, brings me out on dates etc and my child likes him.

My friend has met him once or twice and foolishly, I've told her too much about him in the early days (he's definitely a commitment phobe!)...and she has decided she can't stand him. She thinks he's no good for me, he's a loser (he lost his job last year) and will sponge off me (he doesn't do this at all). We have had a few conversations about him here and there - and she told me she's very close to falling out with me if I continue seeing him.

I was shocked when she said this and was convinced she knew something I didn't...however, she doesn't. She says she just has my interests at heart and believes I'm wasting my time with him etc and that i deserve so much more than him, that I should dump him and find someone better.

Her own husband is a complete tosser and she constantly says she doesn't want me to end up like her, in a relationship with someone like that.

I'm at a loss what to do about this. On the one hand, it's none of her business and very easy for her to comment on when she has her husband for company all the time. She has no idea about the lonliness involved in being at home night in, night out with a child asleep so that you are completely trapped with no company.

And on the other hand, I know she has my best interests at heart. I also know that this guy probably won't be around by this time next year....what should I do????

LegacyUser

As someone who has hated my friends gf's, I understand where she might be coming from but......

Thing is, this guys sounds okay. He lost his job - that happens. I lost mine the other week. I'd hate to think I'd be dumped for it.

He may not be the one for you (at the mo) but it sounds like you get on and he treats you well.

While she may have your best interest at heart, threatening to end your friendship over it is not what good friends do. (I used to try to get my friend to see how badly he was being treated in very subtle ways and I only told him that he should end it when he was thinking about ending it and blaming himself for the situation).

IrishEyes19

I know friends shouldnt pry into each others business even best friends and that relationships can break friendships so easily. I wonder is your friend jealous perhaps, I know she says he's a loser and such, but the fact you're going on dates and having a social life, is she lamenting that because it could be missing in her own life. Just a thought? Also perhaps do you spend much time with her anymore? Maybe she feels left out. all the best

Elle Collins

unregistered wrote: »

..she told me she's very close to falling out with me if I continue seeing him.

My God, if any friend said that to me we'd be falling out there and then.

Tell your friend to feckoff and concentrate on her own disaster of a marriage.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I know friends shouldnt pry into each others business even best friends and that relationships can break friendships so easily. I wonder is your friend jealous perhaps, I know she says he's a loser and such, but the fact you're going on dates and having a social life, is she lamenting that because it could be missing in her own life. Just a thought? Also perhaps do you spend much time with her anymore? Maybe she feels left out. all the best

Well, we used to have a girlie night once a week, where we'd drop into each other for a drink...they've almost come to an end. If i'm honest, I wasnt enjoying them as much anymore as my child and her children are getting older and my child isn't overly enamoured with her two (but that's a whole other thread!!).

I don't think it's jealousy really - although I could be wrong. I was just really taken aback when she said she will almost certainly fall out with me if he's still around by the summertime - she really doesn't even want me talking about him.

I'm confused really - if I didn't know better I'd think he'd made a move on her or something - it's like she's trying to protect me from something, but won't tell me what it is!! I know he hasn't made a move on her btw (we've never been in a situation where that could be possible) but she keeps syaing 'I know thousands of men like him...they're ten a penny..etc etc'

I don't know if I should actually have it out with her, rather than just putting up with her comments. When she says them to me with just the two of us around, it's not so bad, but last week she said a few snide things about him with her husband around, which I didn't like at all.

sbsquarepants

Tell your "friend" to mind her own god damned business and that people in glass houses should not throw stones!
Sounds way more like a case of good old fashioned jealousy than any sort of having your best interest at heart if you ask me. You're 39 not 13!

Elle Collins

sunflower27 wrote: »

And anyway, I'd hardly take on board her advice... look at the jack@ss she has lumbered herself with.

Lol, how true!

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

my child likes him.

unregistered wrote: »

I also know that this guy probably won't be around by this time next year....what should I do????

I think the bigger problem here is this. Be careful of allowing your child to become attached to a man who you know won't be around for long.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Im 39 (female) and single. Well until I met someone recently.

IRecently, I met someone and if I'm honest, he's really not 'the one' for me. But I'm enjoying his company, and my child likes him.

??

do you think thats really fair on your child ? To let him/her get attached to a guy your essentially using for some company.

Now your friend is way off the mark to give you an ultimatum but your wide of it yourself.

Miss Fluff

Friends have a tendency (consciously or otherwise) to label or compartmentalise their mates. People have people in their lives that "slot" into their own pigeonhole, one that they'd prefer wasn't deviated from under any circumstances as for the most part, an awful lot of people dislike and fear change. So to her, at 39, perhaps you have just always been her single friend and as your circumstances have now changed, your friend doesn't like that the dynamic has now shifted. Just like someone who was once very big and loses a lot of weight will often lose friends in the process as it causes confusion when they stop being the fat, bubbly mate.

Telling you that she is "close to falling out" with you is infintile and ridiculous so tell her your well able to look after yourself and it is what it is.....

dub_3

OK, so you're telling us he's 'not the one', so basically you agree with your friend that you're wasting your time with him.

Of course it's up to you if you want to waste your own time or not.
I don't know you so I can't say if carrying with this bit of fun will hurt you in the end. Your friend does know you. (though as others have said she, maybe she's jealous of your fun).

Maybe tell your friend, that he's just a f*ck buddy and she needn't worry about you getting hurt by becoming involved with a commitment phobe.

My point to you would be why are you wasting your time?
Yes it's fun to go on dates, but if your in a relationship going nowhere,
then you may be letting genuine opportunities pass you by.

It's not like there is a queue of suitable guys looking for 39 year old + kid,
(sorry if that sounds harsh) but if you're hanging out with 'comittment phobe' you will miss out on any that do come along.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You mentioned your child likes him. I don't know what age he/she is but its possible she thinks its a bad idea for your child to get attached to someone who'd not "the one" but doesn't want to say it out straight.

LegacyUser

My child's not getting attached to him. My child has only met him twice and I have no plans for him to become his dad!!!! It's nothing to do with my child - in fact both times they met was an accident as my child's dad dropped him back early.

yes, i do think you're a bit harsh there with your 'It's not like there is a queue of suitable guys looking for 39 year old + kid,' - that makes me sound pretty desperate, which I am not!

This guy suits my current situation - the last guy I was dating wanted to marry me after 6 weeks which is not what I wanted at all. I have spoken to her about him being a f*ck buddy with a few dates thrown in - but she thinks that's appalling. She's 15yrs married and doesn't really get that whole concept.

fghijkl

Just to offer a different perspective OP

I've been in your friends situation where a few years ago my friend started seeing someone i loathed. The guy was a d*ck. And reading your post sounds very similar to what she was saying when she was dating him. This line was scarily similar

she has her husband for company all the time. She has no idea about the lonliness involved in being at home night in, night out with a child asleep so that you are completely trapped with no company.

She was only with him 'for the sake' of it, , and while she was telling herself and everyone else "it was only a bit of fun" the more time she spent with this guy, the more into him she got, like she was trying to convince her self she could have a future with this guy, when it was obvious to everyone she was settling.

Never settle for second best. Never stay with a man out of loneliness.
From your friends perspective, its horribly sad to see someone you care about staying with a guy for the sake of it because they feel that's all they're worth, that they're not worthy of a man who "is the one", because they're too afraid of being alone, its just so sad.

Of course the irony of the situation is that while you're spending time with this guy who doesn't really float your boat, doing so means that you're missing out on the opportunity of finding the man that does.

Now your friend is going a bit OTT, but she has your best interests at heart, i can't tell you how frustrating it is when someone you care about is selling themselves short because they're lonely, its heartbreaking, and i'd imagine her comments about him being a sponge and losing his job, are just excuses for you to dump him, because she can't change your lack of self worth but she can give you reasons to dump him.

thefeatheredcat

I think your friend is being a bit harsh with possibly falling out with you over this guy, and perhaps her comments a bit over-critical and a tad unfair imo.

However, a family member of mine is a few years younger than you, single but has kids and knows all too well the loneliness involved of nights in, which I'm well aware she struggles with.

I can't count the amount of times I've been there for her for break ups and difficulties with guys, which in some cases I've had gut instinct to want to tell her, "he's not good for you/he's not good enough for you" but had to bite my tongue, because sometimes it's impossible to point such things out to her and doesn't take such negative attitudes easily, and at times, have had to leave her work it out herself and learn for herself rather than falling out with her.

Your friend does have your best interests at heart, that's something that you should take on board. She's perhaps a little frustrated that she can see you deserve better, but you're not letting yourself have better. If her relationship with her husband is not a happy one, then she wants better for you than she can have for herself at this time.

If you want to just have a bit of fun, with no plans to settle down with this guy, then he could do for now (in that you both knowingly know that it's just company/fun), if that's what you want, as long as that you don't have huge expectations of a full relationship that you deserve.

If you're looking for someone that fulfils you as a person, gives you the relationship that you've always wanted and deserve, then take your friend's advice on board and perhaps just keep it as a friendship, if you are getting something positive of that sense out of it. But keep looking for that something better.

Bottle_of_Smoke

unregistered wrote: »

My child's not getting attached to him. My child has only met him twice and I have no plans for him to become his dad!!!! It's nothing to do with my child - in fact both times they met was an accident as my child's dad dropped him back early.

yes, i do think you're a bit harsh there with your 'It's not like there is a queue of suitable guys looking for 39 year old + kid,' - that makes me sound pretty desperate, which I am not!

This guy suits my current situation - the last guy I was dating wanted to marry me after 6 weeks which is not what I wanted at all. I have spoken to her about him being a f*ck buddy with a few dates thrown in - but she thinks that's appalling. She's 15yrs married and doesn't really get that whole concept.

Then I think your friend is being a tool and should mind her own business. Being concerned is one thing - threatening to end your friendship over something which in no way impacts her is self-righteous nonsense. Either that or she really does know something you don't